CHAPTER CI.
Peregrine commits himself to the publick, and is admitted member of a college of authors.

The bitterness of this explanation being passed, our young gentleman began to revolve within himself schemes for making up the deficiencies of his yearly income, which was now so grievously reduced, and determined to profit, in some shape or other, by those talents which he owed to nature and education. He had, in his affluence, heard of several authors, who, without any pretensions to genius, or human literature, earned a very genteel subsistence, by undertaking work for booksellers, in which reputation was not at all concerned. One (for example) professed all manner of translation, at so much per sheet, and actually kept five or six amanuenses continually employed, like so many clerks in a compting-house;¹ by which means, he was enabled to live at his ease, and enjoy his friend and his bottle, ambitious of no other character than that of an honest man, and a good neighbour. Another projected a variety of plans for new dictionaries, which were executed under his eye by day-labourers; and the province of a third was history and voyages, collected or abridged by understrappers of the same class.²

Mr. Pickle, in his comparisons, paid such deference to his own capacity, as banished all doubts of his being able to excel any of those undertakers, in their different branches of profession, if ever he should be driven to that experiment: but his ambition prompted him to make his interest and glory coincide, by attempting some performance which should do him honour with the publick, and at the same time establish his importance among the copy-purchasers in town. With this view, he worshipped the muse; and, conscious of the little regard which is, in this age, paid to every species of poetic composition, in which neither satire nor obscenity occurs, he produced an imitation of Juvenal, and lashed some conspicuous characters, with equal truth, spirit, and severity. Though his name did not appear in the title-page of this production, he managed matters so, as that the work was universally imputed to the true author, who was not altogether disappointed in his expectations of success; for the impression was immediately sold off, and the piece became the subject of conversation in all assemblies of taste.³

This happy exordium not only attracted the addresses of the booksellers, who made interest for his acquaintance, but also roused the notice of a society of authors, who stiled themselves the college,⁴ from which he was honoured with a deputation, offering to enroll him a member, by unanimous consent. The person employed for this purpose being a bard who had formerly tasted of our hero’s bounty, used all his eloquence to persuade him to comply with the advances of their fraternity, which he described in such a manner, as inflamed the curiosity of Pickle, who dismissed the embassador, with an acknowledgment of the great honour they conferred upon him, and a faithful promise of endeavouring to merit the continuance of their approbation.

He was afterwards, by the same minister, instructed in the ceremonies of the college; and, in consequence of his information, composed an ode, to be publickly recited on the evening of his introduction. He understood, that this constitution was no other than a body of authors, incorporated by mutual consent, for their joint advantage and satisfaction, opposed to another assembly of the same kind, their avowed enemies and detractors. No wonder then, that they sought to strengthen themselves with such a valuable acquisition as our hero was like to prove. The college consisted of authors only, and these of all degrees in point of reputation, from the fabricator of a song set to music, and sung at Marybone,⁵ to the dramatic bard who had appeared in buskins upon the stage:⁶ nay, one of the members had actually finished eight books of an epic poem, for the publication of which, he was, at that time, soliciting subscriptions.

It cannot be supposed that such a congregation of the sons of Apollo would sit a whole evening with order and decorum,⁷ unless they were under the check of some established authority: and this inconvenience having been foreseen, they had elected a president, vested with full power to silence any member or members, that should attempt to disturb the harmony and subordination of the whole. The sage, who at this time possessed the chair, was a person in years, whose countenance was a lively portraiture of that rancorous discontent which follows repeated damnation. He had been extremely unfortunate in his theatrical productions, and was (to use the words of a prophane wag, who assisted at the condemnation of this last play) by this time damn’d beyond redemption. Nevertheless, he still tarried about the skirts of Parnassus, translating some of the classics, and writing miscellanies; and, by dint of an invincible assurance, insolence untamed, the most undaunted virulence of tongue, and some knowledge of life, he made shift to acquire and maintain the character of a man of learning and wit, in the opinion of people who had neither; that is, thirty-nine in forty of those with whom he associated himself. He was even looked upon in this light by some few of the college; though the major part of those who favoured his election, were such as dreaded his malice, respected his experience and seniority, or hated his competitor, who was the epic poet.

The chief end of this society (as I have already hinted) was to assist and support each other in their productions, which they mutually recommended to sale, with all their art and influence, not only in private conversation, but also in occasional epigrams, criticisms, and advertisements inserted in the public papers. This science, which is known by the vulgar appellation of puffing, they carried to such a pitch of finesse, that an author very often wrote an abusive answer to his own performance, in order to inflame the curiosity of the town, by which it had been overlook’d. Notwithstanding this general unanimity in the college, a private animosity had long subsisted between the two rivals I have mentioned, on account of precedence, to which both laid claim, though, by a majority of votes, it had been decided in favour of the present chairman. The grudge indeed never proceeded to any degree of outrage or defiance, but manifested itself at every meeting, in attempts to eclipse each other in smart sayings and pregnant repartee; so that there was always a delicate mess of this kind of wit served up in the front of the evening, for the entertainment and example of the junior members, who never failed to divide upon this occasion, declaring themselves for one or other of the combatants, whom they encouraged by their looks, gestures, and applause, according to the circumstances of the dispute.

This honourable consistory was held in the best room of an ale-house, which afforded wine, punch, or beer, suitable to the purse or inclination of every individual, who separately paid for his own choice: and here was our hero introduced, in the midst of twenty strangers, who, by their looks and equipage, formed a very picturesque variety. He was received with a most gracious solemnity, and placed upon the right hand of the president, who having commanded silence, recited aloud his introductory ode, which met with universal approbation. Then was tendered to him the customary oath, obliging him to consult the honour and advantage of the society, as far as it should lie in his power, in every station of life: and this being taken, his temples were bound with a wreath of laurel,⁸ which was kept sacred for such inauguration.

When these rites were performed with all due ceremony, the new member cast his eyes around the place, and took a more accurate survey of his brethren; among whom he observed a strange collection of periwigs, with regard to the colour, fashion, and dimensions, which were such as he had never seen before. Those who sat on each side, nearest the president, were generally distinguished by venerable tyes, the foretops of which exhibited a surprising diversity; some of them rose slanting backwards, like the glacis of a fortification;⁹ some were elevated in two distinct eminences, like the hills Helicon and Parnassus;¹⁰ and others were curled and reflected, as the horns of Jupiter Ammon.¹¹ Next to these, the majors took place, many of which were mere succedanea, made by the application of an occasional rose to the tail of a lank bob;¹² and in the lower form appeared masses of hair, which would admit of no description.

Their cloaths were tolerably well suited to the furniture of their heads, the apparel of the upper bench being decent and clean, while that of the second class was thread-bare and soiled; and at the lower end of the room, he perceived divers efforts made to conceal rent breeches and dirty linen: nay, he could distinguish by their countenances, the different kinds of poetry in which they exercised the muse; he saw Tragedy conspicuous in a grave solemnity of regard, Satire louring in a frown of envy and discontent, Elegy whining in a funereal aspect, Pastoral dozing in a most insipid languor of face, Ode-writing delineated in a distracted stare, and Epigram squinting with a pert sneer. Perhaps our hero refined too much in his penetration, when he affirmed, that over and above these discoveries, he could plainly perceive the state of every one’s finances, and would have undertaken to have guessed each particular sum, without varying three farthings from the truth.

The conversation, instead of becoming general, began to fall into parties; and the epic poet had actually attracted the attention of a private committee, when the chairman interposed, calling aloud, “No cabals, no conspiracies, gentlemen.” His rival, thinking it incumbent upon him to make some reply to this rebuke, answered, “We have no secrets; he that hath ears, let him hear.”¹³ This was spoke as an intimation to the company, whose looks were instantly whetted with the expectation of their ordinary meal: but the president seemed to decline the contest; for, without putting on his fighting face, he calmly replied, that he had seen Mr. Metaphor tip the wink, and whisper to one of his confederates; and thence judged, that there was something mysterious on the carpet.¹⁴

The epic poet, believing his antagonist crest-fallen, resolved to take the advantage of his dejection, that he might inhance his own character in the opinion of the stranger; and with that view asked, with an air of exultation, if a man might not be allowed to have a convulsion in his eye, without being suspected of a conspiracy. The president, perceiving his drift, and piqued at his presumption, “To be sure (said he) a man of a weak head may be very well supposed to have convulsions in his eyes.” This repartee produced a laugh of triumph among the chairman’s adherents; one of whom observed, that his rival had got a smart rap on the pate. “Yes, (replied the bard) in that respect Mr. Chairman has the advantage of me. Had my head been fortified with a horn-work,¹⁵ I should not have been so sensible of the stroke.” This retort, which carried a severe allusion to the president’s wife, lighted up the countenances of the aggressor’s friends, which had begun to be a little obumbrated;¹⁶ and had a contrary effect upon the other faction, till their chief, collecting all his capacity, returned the salute, by observing, that there was no occasion for an horn-work, when the covered way was not worth defending.¹⁷

Such a reprizal upon Mr. Metaphor’s yoke-fellow, who was by no means remarkable for her beauty, could not fail to operate upon the hearers; and as for the bard himself, he was evidently ruffled by the reflection; to which, however, he, without hesitation, replied, “Egad! ’tis my opinion, that if your covered way was laid open, few people would venture to give the assault.” “Not unless their batteries were more effectual than the fire of your wit,” (said the president). “As for that matter, (cried the other with precipitation) they would have no occasion to batter in breach; they would find the angle of the la pucelle bastion demolished to their hands: he he!”¹⁸ “But I believe it would surpass your understanding, (resumed the chairman) to fill up the fossè.”¹⁹ “That, I own, is impracticable, (replied the bard) there I should meet with an hiatus maxime deflendus!”²⁰

The president, exasperated at this insinuation, in presence of the new member, exclaimed with indignation in his looks, “And yet, if a body of pioneers were set at work upon your skull,²¹ they would find rubbish enough to choak up all the common sewers in town.” Here a groan was uttered by the admirers of the epic poet, who taking a pinch of snuff with great composure, “When a man grows scurrilous, (said he) I take it for an undoubted proof of his overthrow.” “If that be the case, (cried the other) you yourself must be the vanquished party; for you was the first that was driven to personal abuse.” “I appeal (answered the bard) to those who can distinguish. Gentlemen, your judgment?”

This reference produced an universal clamour, and the whole college was involved in confusion. Every man entered into dispute with his neighbour, on the merits of this cause. The chairman interposed his authority in vain; the noise grew louder and louder; the disputants waxed warm; the epithets of blockhead, fool, and scoundrel were bandied about. Peregrine enjoyed the uproar, and leaping upon the table, sounded the charge to battle, which was immediately commenced in ten different duels; in consequence of which, the lights were extinguished; the combatants threshed one another without distinction; the mischievous Pickle distributed sundry random blows in the dark; and the people below, being alarmed with the sound of application, the overturning of chairs, and the outcries of those who were engaged, came up stairs in a body, with lights, to reconnoitre, and, if possible, quell this hideous tumult.

Objects were no sooner rendered visible, than the field of battle exhibited strange groupes of the standing and the fallen. Each of Mr. Metaphor’s eyes were surrounded with a circle of a livid hue; and the president’s nose distilled a quantity of clotted blood. One of the tragic authors, finding himself assaulted in the dark, had, by way of poinard,²² employed upon his adversary’s throat a knife which lay upon the table, for the convenience of cutting cheese; but, by the blessing of God, the edge of it was not keen enough to enter the skin, which it had only scratched in divers places. A satirist had almost bit off the ear of a lyric bard. Shirts and neck-cloaths were torn to rags; and there was such a woeful wreck of periwigs on the floor, that no examination could adjust the property of the owners, the greatest part of whom were obliged to use handkerchiefs, by way of night-cap.

The fray, however, ceased at the approach of those who interposed; part of the combatants being tired of an exercise, in which they had received nothing but hard blows; part of them being intimidated by the remonstrances of the landlord and his company, who threatened to call the watch; and a very few being ashamed of the scandalous dispute in which they were detected. But though the battle was ended, it was impossible, for that evening, to restore harmony and good order to the society, which broke up, after the president had pronounced a short and confused apology to our adventurer, for the indecent uproar which had unfortunately happened on the first night of his admission.

“General Engagement in the College of Authors” by Rowlandson. (Rowlandson’s Illustrations to Smollett, College of William and Mary.)

Indeed, Peregrine deliberated with himself, whether or not his reputation would allow him to appear again among this venerable fraternity: but, as he knew some of them to be men of real genius, how ridiculous soever their carriage might be modified, and was of that laughing disposition, which is always seeking food for mirth, as Horace observes of Philippus,

Risus undique quærit;²³

he resolved to frequent the college, notwithstanding this accident, which happened at his inauguration; being thereto, moreover, induced by his desire of knowing the private history of the stage, with which he supposed some of the members perfectly well acquainted. He was also visited, before the next meeting, by his introductor, who assured him, that such a tumult had never happened since the institution of the assembly, till that very night; and promised, that for the future, he should have no cause to be scandalized at their behaviour.

Persuaded by these motives and assurances, he trusted himself once more in the midst of their community, and every thing proceeded with great decorum; all dispute and altercation was avoided, and the college applied itself seriously to the purposes of its meeting; namely, to hear the grievances of individuals, and assist them with salutary advice. The first person that craved redress, was a noisy North Briton, who complained (in a strange dialect) that he had, in the beginning of the season, presented a comedy to the manager of a certain theatre, who, after it had lain six weeks in his hands, returned it to the author, affirming there was neither sense nor English in the performance.

The president, (who, by the bye, had revised the piece) thinking his own reputation concerned, declared, in presence of the whole society, that with regard to sense, he would not undertake to vindicate the production; but, in point of language, no fault could be justly laid to its charge: “The case, however, is very plain, (said he) the manager never gave himself the trouble to peruse the play, but formed a judgment of it from the conversation of the author, never dreaming that it had undergone the revisal of an English writer: be that as it will, you are infinitely obliged to him, for having dispatched you so soon, and I shall have the better opinion of him for it so long as I live; for I have known other-guess²⁴ authors than you (that is, in point of interest and fame) kept in continual attendance and dependance during the best part of their lives, and after all, disappointed in the expectation of seeing their performances exhibited on the stage. There are only two methods, by which you have any chance of introducing your play upon the theatre; one is compulsive, by the interposition of the great, whom a patentee dares not disoblige;²⁵ the other, insinuation, by ingratiating yourself with the manager: you must be recommended to his notice; you must cultivate his good graces with all the humility of adulation; write poems in his praise; if he be an actor, support his performance against all censure, though it should be founded upon demonstration; and in public coffee-houses, as well as in private parties, magnify the virtues of his heart, in despite of truth and illustration. This, indeed, is the most effectual expedient, and what I advise you to practise, after you shall have been introduced to his acquaintance, by some person of weight; and if, by these means, and dint of perseverance, you can, in three or four years, see your comedy in rehearsal, you may think yourself extremely fortunate in your application: for a man, without interest or pretension, may present a petition to the captain-general of his majesty’s forces,²⁶ demanding a commission for the first company that shall become vacant, and be as likely to meet with success, as an unsupported author that offers a performance to the stage. Though a patentee had no friends of his own to oblige, why the devil should he put himself to the expense and trouble attending the representation of a new play, and part with three benefit-nights,²⁷ to please the vanity and fill the pockets of a stranger?”

The northern bard began to argue with great vehemence and vociferation, against the advice and observations of the chairman, undertaking to prove from reason, as well as from experience, that one poet is of greater dignity and importance to the commonwealth, than all the patentees or players that ever existed. But he was over-ruled and silenced in the beginning of his harangue, by a decree of the council, which was unanimously of opinion, that the advice he had received was equally judicious and expedient, and that it would be his own fault, if he did not profit by the admonition.