When I went to bed last night, my plan for this morning was to go home and turn on some music, change into my comfy clothes, open the windows and get ready for Jack coming home tomorrow but all that has changed now. I’d planned to shop for some of his favourite foods, maybe steak and chips and a bottle of Merlot, and to welcome him home wearing something special.
We’d spend tomorrow catching up and making plans, we’d talk about all the usual things we like to discuss, like work and food and drinks, like his parents and mine, of Matthew’s progress, of Emily’s pain, of Harry and Sophie’s latest escapades, and we’d snuggle up on our very own sofa in our own little world as we locked the rest of the world outside.
Instead I’m standing in a terminal at Dublin airport, trying to find my way round through the hustle and bustle of students heading off for a new term at university, families and couples taking last-minute deals on September holidays and in the distance I see a commotion that can only mean one thing. Blind Generation have been spotted and a mob of fans have circled round them to try and get a glimpse of their musical heroes.
Tom is here, just like he’d told me, for a chartered flight at 12.15. My stomach is in knots.
I don’t see Ana or Eva with them but then I didn’t expect to either. It’s not like Tom would invite me along to join him on his chartered flight if his fiancée and bit on the side were there too. Even Tom Farley would know that was beyond inappropriate when he was trying to win me over. I’m better than that, I reminded myself. I’m not going to join a queue for anyone and I’m glad he has realized that.
I see him glance around and check his phone while crazed, screaming, lust-filled women corner him for selfies and autographs. He is wearing dark glasses and I can tell he is exhausted and dying to get away from it all. The rest of the band is attacked too by the fans but it’s obvious there’s only one main man, and that’s the very rugged, very sexy and very charming Tom, of course. A burly security guard tries to call some order on the gathering crowd and I wonder when I should make my move. I don’t even think he has seen me standing here, watching on like I’m looking in through a window on his crazy, wild life of women, music, travel and partying.
I fold my arms and keep watching. It’s just gone eleven a.m. and I hear my tummy growl with hunger, even though I’d managed to eat a small breakfast at the B&B. The flight will be leaving soon. I’ve no idea where in the airport a chartered flight might leave from but I imagine that where Tom and the guys are standing might be a clue.
‘Did you get to see your Dublin girl?’ I hear one of the fans shout in his direction. He doesn’t answer but just shyly dips his head and keeps writing as he leans a piece of paper on a fan’s back.
It’s been a strange yet very awakening number of days since Jack left for Canada and I felt I was leaving much more than Howth behind when I drove off this morning. As I reversed out of the car park by the marina, I saw Peggy and Bouncer walking along the pier, taking their usual seat at the bench without anyone to disturb them. Routine and habit, comfort and familiarity – all the things we often take for granted, but oh how we’d miss them if they were gone from our lives.
I spent the journey to the airport reminding myself of who I am as a person and taking the very best of what I could from seeing Tom again. In such a short time, I’ve come to realize so much.
I’m a great teacher, I know that from how the children and parents used to heap praise on me when I’d change just one child’s day with a comforting word or even a song.
I’m a risk-taker, a chancer, and sometimes those chances don’t always go my way. I know that by the decision I made to go to Howth yesterday and how I told Miss Jean Brady exactly what I thought when I knew I wasn’t being used for my full potential in her horrible school.
I’m a caring person, a person who knows what love is and who loves deeply. I know this because for the past three years, no matter what has been going on in my own life, my biggest desire, even bigger than finding closure with Tom, has been to see my brother walk again. To see him happy with Martin in Galway, to witness and feed off his grit and determination, and to hear his sweet voice sing even if he’s only scraping the surface of his talent fills me up in a way that nothing else can.
I’m a funny and attentive friend. I know this because of how Sophie keeps reminding me how much she loves my company and how I make her laugh and allow her to be herself. I’m a sister who drops everything to hear Emily out when she’s wrung out with grief and despair at not being able to conceive her much wanted baby.
I’m a daughter who accepts that my mother can see my flaws but who loves me all the same, maybe even more actually, for them. I’m an exceptionally proud woman, one who knows that I’ve struggled against the odds to get the qualifications and career opportunities that have come my way from my humble beginnings. I love how my father did his best for us all, even though he didn’t have much to offer us financially. Thanks to him I grew up knowing the importance of family values and how, no matter what, when the going gets tough he’s the one who will always be on my side.
I’m a music maker and a singer and I can find words that can move people, even if it’s just a smile on a child’s face when I remind them they’ve a lucky star and a lucky number. I know how to make a child feel special. Music is my passion, but teaching is my vocation and I can’t wait to find a school that respects and appreciates all I have to offer, no matter where on the map that might be.
I feel better to have reminded myself of all of this. I stand up taller, prouder, and I know that coming here today to the airport is exactly where I’m meant to be. It’s important to remind ourselves sometimes of what we were put on this planet for. We spend far too much time focusing on what we do wrong, beating ourselves up over mistakes and wrong decisions instead of learning from them. Every decision, every experience, every person we meet gets us to where we are meant to be in life. Being wrong, feeling confused, battling through the fog of life can only make us grow and shape us to become better people.
I’m flawed, I’m imperfect in so many ways but I’m still learning and I will continue to do so every day as I weave my way through whatever decisions life wants to throw at me next.
I shuffle my feet, I check the time and then when I look up I see him coming towards me. I inhale this moment; my eyes are bright and starry and I feel a rush of excitement race through my veins, running right to the tips of my fingers. I want to hold him tight and never want to let him go again. I want to cherish every single moment we have together from now on. I’m so grateful he has given me another chance to be the couple I’ve always believed deep down we could be.
He looks even better than I remembered, and when he puts his arms around me and pulls me into the warmth of his body, I can’t help myself from nuzzling into his neck and letting the tears of relief and love flow. I inhale his familiar smell, and when he kisses me full on the lips in the midst of this busy airport, I don’t care who sees us as I feel my knees weaken as they always do under his hungry embrace.
I look into his eyes to see that he has been crying too.
‘Thank you for coming to meet me,’ he says. ‘I’d an awful, awful feeling you might change your mind.’
I shake my head.
‘No way,’ I tell him. ‘I’m never going to make that mistake again. I promise you. I didn’t even have to think twice about coming. I wouldn’t have missed this moment for the world.’
The crowd of fans in the near distance disperses at last and the airport security team are able to get back to their day jobs, relieved to have some normality again, it seems. I take one last fleeting glance towards where they were all standing just minutes ago, and I watch Tom Farley walk away into the distance, feeling nothing – only closure at last. Then I look up at my darling husband and he pulls me towards him again.
‘I was going to surprise you by coming home early, but I couldn’t wait to see you so I had to just tell you when I’d be here. It’s so good to be back.’
We walk away, arm in arm, out of the airport doors and into the morning sunshine.
‘I can’t wait to see Ardara again, just to kick off my shoes and lie up on the sofa with you, Charlotte. Being away made me realize just how much you mean to me. I love you so, so much and always will.’
He has no idea how glad I am to see him again too. I was so close to making the biggest mistake of my life while he was away.
‘And I love you too, Jack,’ I tell him, feeling my heart strain at the thought of ever losing him and all we have. ‘I really, really do.’
We drive away from the airport and I can’t help but notice a plane taking off in the distance, one I know carries Tom and his band back to London and to the life he craved and is now living. I hope he finds love one day, just like I have. I hope he learns to be happy and, like me, takes a chance to make sure it comes his way.
‘I can’t wait to get home,’ I say to Jack, and then we put the windows down and turn the radio up loud. It’s Blind Generation on as usual, but I don’t turn it over this time.
Instead we just laugh and sing along with Tom as he makes his own way home, back to London, across the sky.