Chapter Fifteen

KATE

The nanny was supposed to have the day off, but I had her come in anyway. I have no idea how long you’re going to be gone, but given that your father is still here, and you’re worried about those letters, I’m betting it won’t be long. Which means I have a lot of work to do in a short amount of time. My to-do list is pretty straightforward, but I write it out anyway just to see it on paper.

Find the cop. Take care of the situation.

Figure out who is sending us those messages. Take care of the situation.

Find your mother. Fix you.

I’ve been reading one of those self-help books about setting goals and fulfilling your life’s purpose, and I’m starting to see the importance of having a plan. Sticking to it has always been more my issue, but I think you’ll be happy to know that I’m working on it. I re-read the list, rethinking each item, just to make sure. Items one and two are pretty obvious. I think we would even agree on as much. The third, however, if I were to tell you about it, which I won’t, you will say is a waste of time. It’s okay, some things are better left as a surprise. Speaking of surprises, I learn something new everyday. The more I think about it, the more I realize that we’re having all of these relationship issues because you’ve never healed the relationship with your mother. At least, that’s what I read, anyway. Those women, our neighbors, they think I don’t read but they’re wrong. I just can’t tell them what. I can’t tell them I devour books like candy, books about how to heal you—about how to fix your mommy issues. And you know what those books say? They say you’ll never let me in, that you’ll never let me close, until you process your emotions toward her. I’ll admit, at first I thought it was all psycho-babble bullshit. But that was before we started having all of these ‘marital issues’ and well, now I can’t help but think it’s all related.

But first things first. I’ve got to take care of that cop. I’ve gotta make the nightmares stop. It should be easy finding him. I remember that night clearly, I remember staring at the name sewn into that bastard’s uniform, and I clearly remember what it said. Officer Diggs. How fitting. I called the station, but I didn’t really get anywhere. It wasn’t surprising. Because I know when you want to find something, it’s best to just go after it directly.

I dress for the occasion in ripped jeans, a t-shirt, and an old ball cap, which I think belongs to you. As I slip it on, I can’t help but notice it smells like you, and when I inhale it suddenly it hits me like a freight train. It’s funny the effect a person’s scent can have, how it can fuck you up, how it can make you feel. All of a sudden, you feel so far away, and I know we have to fix this. I know I want to. Sometimes I wonder. But not now. Now, I have a plan.

It’s interesting how fast all of those good feelings instantly go to shit when I go to the garage and find that you’ve taken the nanny’s car. This means I have to leave mine with her on account of the car seats, and drive yours instead.

I find the silver lining though, because your car is both cleaner and faster than mine, and I wonder if I’ve ever told you why I’m so good at silver linings. I don’t think I have, and this is good, because it’s nice to keep a little mystery in a relationship.

On my drive out, I mostly think of you, of all the times we’ve driven this road over the years on the way to our spot, the one down by the water. I know it was you and your first girlfriend’s spot first, that it’s her burial ground, but that’s also what makes it sacred. I’ve been thinking about her a lot, about the connection the person who attacked me had, and I think I’m finally ready for answers. I’ve been avoiding that, avoiding the truth, because it reminds me of all that was lost, and we can’t always have all the answers at once, can we?

Eventually, I pass the small diner you took me to on one of our early dates and it’s packed. It always is. I’ve always loved that place, and I wonder if you remember that date. I can’t help but recall how happy we were back then, and my reminiscing makes me consider stopping in for lunch. I don’t though. I drive on because I’ve already timed this excursion, and if I’m lucky, and quick, I know I’ll be able to make it back by the time Olivia arrives home from her first day of school.

I pull off the road and check the time, just to make sure. I park in that little spot beneath that old oak, the one I always point out whenever we come out this way. The sun overhead is beating against the pavement, and it’s mesmerizing. Eventually, I kill the ignition, and I get out. It’s hot out today, and I can’t help but enjoy the intensity of it. It isn’t long before I can feel the sweat beading up around my lower back. I walk around to the side of the car where I deflate the rear passenger tire just a little. I stand there for a few moments, mapping it out in my mind, and then I make the call. I’m not certain it will be Officer Diggs who responds, but I am certain I’ve got a fifty-fifty shot, and those are odds I’ll take. In any case, even if it isn’t him who shows, I’ll get the information I need.

But when I see the squad car coming my way, I realize that luck happens to be in my favor today. When I see the cruiser pull up, it’s the number on it that catches my eye first, and it’s a match. Bingo.

I can tell he doesn’t recognize me at first. It could be the blinding sun, or it could be the ball cap, but whatever the case, it’s good news. I take a deep breath as he gets out of his car and starts in my direction. My pulse is pounding in my ears, and I almost have second thoughts. He leaves the driver’s door open and walks around to the side of your car. My mind flashes back to that night, back to his hands on my body, and instantly I refocus on the task at hand. I know just what I have to do.

“Which one is it?” he asks, squinting into the sun.

“That one,” I point, careful not to get too close.

I watch as he bends down to inspect the tire.

“You got a spare?”

“I think so,” I say, sounding more unsure than I am, and doesn’t every car have a spare?

He eyes me, and then his expression changes. I see something in it, it’s as though he knows me from somewhere and I realize it’s now or never.

He surprises me when he shakes his head and motions toward the car. “Pop the trunk. I’ll grab the jack.”

I press the button on your keys, and stuff them back in my pocket. I hold my breath and ready myself as he walks around to the back of the car. Moving quickly I reach for the stun gun I have stuffed in the back of my jeans and it’s damp with sweat.

I hear his feet as they shuffle, and I hear him audibly swallow. I make my way around to the back of the car, careful not to make any sudden movement.

“What in the fuck?” I hear him say. I’m standing just behind him.

He reaches up and presses the button on his radio and that’s when I see what he sees. The warehouse guy is lying there, wrapped in plastic in your trunk, and what the fuck is exactly right.