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I'D FALLEN ASLEEP ON the couch after polishing off the rest of the bottle of vodka. It still swung from my hand when I woke up. I wasn't drunk but woozy from sleep and a bit tipsy when the door opened.
"Violet?" I called.
She could get me more vodka. Vodka was good. Vodka made all the worries go away. I rarely drank much nowadays. Working in the bar, it was too easy for it to get out of hand. A few beers were okay but more than that and it became a problem. I'd had enough when I was younger. Waking up with black spots and blurred memories was now firmly in my past. But I'd forgotten the good bit about drinking. Floating on that happy cloud to a deep sleep. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd had an unbroken sleep but I'd put money on it being before Holden came to town.
When I looked up though, I wondered if I was still stuck in a dream. One of those crazy, mixed-up dreams I'd been having.
"Holden? Where's Violet?"
It was definitely him but why was he in her office?
"I've got some expensive gear I need to pick up tomorrow and was worried about leaving it in the band room so Violet said to put it in her office. I didn't realize you were here."
He might not have realized but he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to leave either. He stood in the middle of the room, staring at me. I sat up, placing the vodka bottle on the floor.
"Carlie, we need to talk."
"We don't need to talk, Holden. We need to not be alone together. Leave your stuff and go."
He leaned back against the desk. Fuck this. This was exactly the situation I wanted to avoid. My stomach flipped around. In this confined space, he was so close to me. There was no way to get out without pressing past him and nowhere to escape from his eyes.
"You don't understand. I'm not the person I used to be. I've changed. I might've been a shit in the past. We were so young, too young, and we both had so many issues to work through. But I think we're worth another shot. If I picture my future, you're the only woman I see me with."
I stood up. I couldn't handle this. My brain was too fuzzy from the booze.
"Well, I don't picture you in my future at all. Ever. I'd forgotten you ever existed before you came back to town."
He locked me in his gaze, reaching out and moving his fingers along my collarbone, tracing the tattoo I had there.
"You forgot I existed? When you see this every time you look in the mirror?" His other hand went to the same words tattooed across his chest. The words to that song he'd sung. When he'd first been signed to his label, to celebrate we'd gotten the tattoos. That had been the happiest day of my life. We were on the edge of achieving all of our dreams. We had everything, and the world opened before us. There was nothing that could stop us; we could fly.
"I don't even notice it anymore."
"You're lying, Carlie. You will never forget. Forgetting isn't part of the deal we made."
The deal that we made? The deal to be together forever. Forever hadn’t lasted long.
"You broke that deal. That deal is dead now."
I pushed him away and walked out. I could've almost vomited as all those feelings I'd pushed down for so long came bubbling up and mixed with the vodka.
He grabbed my wrist.
"Don't keep walking away from me."
My pulse pounded in my ears. I hated Holden Ford. I hated him with every fiber of my being. Hatred throbbed through my whole body. It swirled through me in crazy patterns.
"All I can do is walk away," I shouted. "Do you even remember what you did to me? You broke me. You broke me into a thousand pieces and then left me destroyed so you could go on tour with the band and keep fucking groupies. I was nothing, absolutely nothing when you left. I had to put those pieces back one by one. If I could afford it, I'd get this fucking tattoo removed. In fact, I might do that with the money Alex paid me to watch your band."
Holden dropped my arm and stepped back. He obviously hadn’t known about Alex paying me.
"You weren't the only one that was hurt. You're not the innocent victim you make yourself out to be. Or have you conveniently forgotten that?"
"At least I never cheated."
"You'll never forgive me that, will you?"
"Not until the day I die."
"Even though you feel like this."
He grabbed me tight, wrapping me in his arms so I couldn't escape. I pushed against him but, when his lips met mine, I didn't pull away. I tried to resist but my body responded to him like it always did. I reached up and locked my arms around his neck, not wanting this kiss to ever end.
My toes curled. They hadn’t curled in three years but, as soon as Holden kissed me, that reflex returned.
I kissed him back. I was impossible for me not to kiss him. I pushed it all down, the fears I had and the inevitable future where he’d leave me again.
I’d deal with the hurt when it came because the feel of Holden’s body against mine was better than anything I’d felt in a long time.
He kissed my neck, in those places only he knew, and I moaned with the ecstasy of his touch.
If he wanted me, he could take me in the storeroom, on top of the vodka boxes, or in Violet’s office on the new sofa. He could fuck me anywhere he pleased but he pulled away from me and took my hand to lead me out of the bar.
I quit fighting. I’d always been his and always would.
Because, more than anything, I needed Holden King.