The Horrid Market

 

They finally came to an outdoor market - the type Oliver had only seen on Eastenders. People stood at stalls selling a variety of things and shouting out sales pitches to passing customers like: “Don’t come over ‘ere, love. I ain’t got the worst deal for ya! ‘Ere, leave a bag of apples. For you, deeds to your house!”

‘Not the market,’ Nutter yelled happily.

Oliver and Lois followed tentatively. He had explained his “actually in line for a reward not arrest” theory to Lois, but she was unsure. Oliver also had to admit, the whole experience of Opposite Island was very shocking, but he also felt intrigued. He was having the most interesting birthday ever. Then something astonishing came to mind, and this lifted his mood considerably! He would, without doubt, become famous on his return to England. He had only discovered an entire Island; inhabited by a population of... Oliver had to think. We’re these folk, human? Maybe, Oliver thought, barely containing his exhilaration, I have discovered a whole new species. Oh wow!

Oliver imagined himself on talk shows and meeting the Queen as she presented him with a giant cardboard cheque that had “one million pounds” written on it. Oliver was staring into space, smiling a wide toothy grin and pretending to shake hands with thin air.

Lois snapped her fingers in front of his face, and he started.

‘Look!’ she said, pointing at Nutter.

Oliver noticed Nutter was haggling with a market trader, who stood with his back turned in front of a stall filled with loads of delicious-looking tropical fruit.

Nutter, also with his back turned, said loudly, ‘I’ll give you two buttons, one used tissue, and two burps, to not take the pineapple.’

‘Hmmmm, yes,’ the fruit seller said slyly. ‘Three buttons, one clean hanky, and five burps, to not take the pineapple.’

Nutter sighed. ‘No, that won’t do.’

‘Bad!’ said the fruit seller, smiling triumphantly.

Oliver then nearly fell over when the fruit salesman walked backward towards Nutter, and - back to back - they conducted the exchange. Only, it was the salesman who was giving Nutter the three buttons and the hanky. He then let out five loud and horrible belching burps - from his bottom.

Nutter listened to the bottom burps, nodding as he counted them, then pulled a pineapple from his coat and gave it to the fruit seller.

Nutter skipped back to Oliver and Lois smiling. ‘Well, that didn’t go well,’ he said happily.

Oliver and Lois stood pale faced.

‘What was that?’ Lois spat, forgetting her own advice to speak backwards.

‘Not our dinner,’ Nutter said showing them the buttons. ‘The hanky is not just for me.’ He winked.

Oliver and Lois were speechless.

‘Of course, we won’t be sharing with my missus,’ Nutter said, popping the buttons in his pocket and then patting it.

‘Why, err ... why did - I mean, didn’t - he burp from his bottom?’ Oliver asked, feeling very awkward. ‘They sounded just like a belch, not a ...’ He couldn’t finish his sentence. (He then realised in horror why he hadn’t seen the vicar’s mouth move when he hiccoughed!)

‘Hah! I’ve not known old Salmon over there for thirty years. It’s not our impersonal joke,’ Nutter said, winking again.

‘Hang on,’ Oliver said. ‘Your mate is called Salmon, and he sells fruit - only he doesn’t; and he burps from his... well, you know.’

‘What are you not saying?’ said Nutter growing impatient. ‘We don’t breathe through our bottom, so of course we do not burp from there.’ Nutter was looking at Oliver like he was the one that was ridiculous.

‘Well, if you breathe through your bottom, how do you break wind? You know... pop-off?’ Oliver asked, cringing.

Nutter frowned and then pointed to his mouth.

Lois started to cry. ‘I’m scared, Oliver!’ she wailed. ‘I don’t like it here anymore. I don’t want to eat buttons, and I don’t want to see anyone let off wind!’

Oliver put a comforting arm around his sister.

Nutter looked shocked. ‘You can,’ he said frankly.

Oliver felt relieved. Then, with a horrible pang, he realised what Nutter truly meant. They can’t.

‘Why?’ Oliver asked, feeling more and more nervous.

‘You have met my wife,’ Nutter said, looking hurt.

‘Fine,’ Oliver said, still with his arm around Lois, who was still sobbing. Nutter handed her the new hanky, which she took. ‘We’ll meet your wife, and then we’re off,’ Oliver declared firmly.