It was not immediately that I, too, departed. The hour was late, and my bed awaited me chez Boko, but for a considerable time I remained rooted to the spot, staring dazedly into the darkness. Winged creatures of the night came bumping into the old face and bumping off again, while others used the back stretches of my neck as a skating rink, but I did not even raise a hand to interfere with their revels. This awful thing that had come upon me had practically turned me into a pillar of salt. I doubt if the moth, or whatever it was that was doing Swedish exercises in and around my left ear, had the remotest notion that it had parked itself on the person of a once vivacious young clubman. A tree, it probably thought, or possibly even the living rock.
Presently, however, life returned to the rigid limbs, and I started to plod my weary way down the drive and out of the gate, eventually reaching Boko’s door. It was open, and I heaved myself through. There was a light along the passage, and heading for it I won through to the sitting-room.
Boko was in an armchair, with his feet on the mantelpiece and his hand clasping a glass. The sight of another glass and a siphon and decanter drew me to the table like a magnet. The sloshing of the liquid seemed to rouse mine host from a reverie, causing him for the first time to become aware of my presence.
‘Help yourself,’ he said.
‘Thanks, old man.’
‘Though I’m surprised you have the heart to drink, after what has occurred to-night.’
He spoke coldly, and there was a distinct aloofness in his manner as he reached out and refilled his glass. He eyed me for a moment as if I had been a caterpillar in some salad of which he was about to partake, and resumed.
‘I saw Nobby.’
‘Oh, yes?’
‘As I anticipated, she cried buckets.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘So you should be. Yours was the hand that wrenched those pearly drops from her eyes.’
‘Oh, dash it!’
‘It’s no good saying “Oh, dash it!” You have a conscience, I presume? Then it must have informed you that you were directly responsible for the downpour. Well, well, if anybody had told me that Bertie Wooster would let me down—’
‘You said that before.’
‘And I shall go on saying it. Even unto seventy times seven. One doesn’t dismiss a thing like that with a single careless comment. When your whole faith in human nature has been shattered, you are entitled to repeat yourself a bit.’
He laughed a short, mirthless laugh, very rasping and hard on the ears. Then, as if dismissing an unpleasant subject for the time being, he drained his snootful and turned to the matter of my belated return, saying that he had expected me back hours ago.
‘When I took you for an after dinner stroll, I didn’t think you were going to stay out practically till the arrival of the morning milk. You will have to change these dissolute city ways, if you wish to fit in with the life of a decent English village.’
‘I am a bit later than I had anticipated.’
‘What kept you?’
‘Well, for one thing, I was being biffed over the nut by Edwin with a hockey stick. That took time.’
‘What?’
‘Yes.’
‘He socked you with a hockey stick?’
‘Right on the bean.’
‘Ah!’ said Boko, and seemed to brighten quite a good deal. ‘Fine little chap, Edwin. Good stuff in that boy. Got nice ideas.’
The circs being what they were, this absence of the sympathetic note distressed me, filling me with what I have heard Jeeves describe as thoughts that lie too deep for tears. A man in my position wants his friends to rally round him.
‘Don’t gibe and scoff,’ I begged. ‘I want sympathy, Boko—sympathy and advice. Do you know what?’
‘What?’
‘I’m engaged to Florence.’
‘What, again? What’s become of Stilton?’
‘I will tell you the whole ghastly story.’
I suppose the poignant note in my voice stirred his better nature, for he listened gravely and with evidences of human feeling as I related my tragedy. When I had concluded, he shivered and reached out for the decanter, his whole aspect that of a man who needed one quick.
‘There but for the grace of God,’ he said, in a low voice, ‘goes George Webster Fittleworth!’
I pointed out that he was missing the nub.
‘Yes, that’s all very well, Boko, and I am sure you have my heartiest congratulations, but the basic fact with which we have to deal is that there actually does go Bertram Wooster. Have you nothing to suggest?’
‘Is any man safe?’ he continued, still musing. ‘I did think that the black spot had finally passed into Stilton’s possession.’
‘So did I.’
‘It’s a shame it hasn’t, because he really loves that girl, Bertie. No doubt you have been feeling a decent pity for Stilton, but I assure you it was wasted. He loves her. And when a man with a head as fat as that loves, it is for ever. You and I would say that it was impossible that anyone should really want to marry this frightful girl, but it is a fact. Did she make you read “Types of Ethical Theory”?’
‘Yes.’
‘Me, too. It was that that first awoke me to a sense of my peril. But when she slipped it to Stilton, he ate it alive. I don’t suppose he understood a word of it, but I repeat, he ate it alive. Theirs would have been an ideal match. Too bad it has blown a fuse. Of course, if Stilton would resign from the Force, a way could readily be paved to an understanding. It’s that that is at the root of the trouble.’
Once more, I saw that the nub had eluded him.
‘It’s not Stilton I’m worrying about, Boko, old man, it’s me. I view Stilton with a benevolent eye, and would be glad to see him happily mated, but the really vital question is Where does Bertram get off? How do we extricate poor old Wooster?’
‘You really want to be extricated?’
‘My dear chap!’
‘She would be a good influence in your life, remember. Steadying. Educative.’
‘Would you torture me, Boko?’
‘Well, how did you extricate yourself, when you were engaged to her last time?’
‘It’s a long story.’
‘Then for goodness’ sake don’t start it now. All I meant was, could the same technique be employed in the present crisis?’
‘I’m afraid not. There was something she wanted me to do for her, and I failed to do it and she gave me the air. These circs could not arise again.’
‘I see. Well, it’s a pity you can’t use the method I did. The Fittleworth System. Simple but efficacious. That would solve all your difficulties.’
‘Why can’t I use it?’
‘Because you don’t know what it is.’
‘You could tell me.’
He shook his head.
‘No, Bertie, not after the extraordinary attitude you have seen fit to take up with regard to my proposals for sweetening your Uncle Percy. The Fittleworth Method—tried and tested, I may say, and proved infallible—can be imparted only to the deserving. It is not a secret I would care to share with any except real friends who are as true as steel.’
‘I’m as true as steel, Boko.’
‘No, Bertie, you are not as true as steel, or anything like it. You may have shown that by your behaviour to-night. A real eye-opener it has been, causing me to revise my estimate of your friendship from the bottom up. Of course, if you were to reconsider your refusal to chip in on this scheme of Jeeves’s and consent, after all, to play your allotted part, I should be delighted to…But what’s the use of talking about it? You have declined, and that’s that. I know your iron will. When you come to a decision, it stays come to.’
I didn’t know so much about that. It is true, of course, that I have a will of iron, but it can be switched off if the circumstances seem to demand it. The strong man always knows when to yield and make concessions. I have frequently found myself doing so in my relation with Jeeves.
‘You absolutely guarantee this secret method?’ I asked earnestly.
‘I can only tell you that it produced immediate and gratifying results in my own case. One moment, I was engaged to Florence; the next, I wasn’t. As quick as that. It was more like magic than anything I can think of.’
‘And you’ll tell it me, if I promise to tick Uncle Percy off?’
‘I’ll tell it you after you’ve ticked him off.’
‘Why not now?’
‘Just a whim. It’s not that I don’t trust you, Bertie. It’s not that I think that, having learned the Fittleworth secret, you would change your mind about carrying out your end of the contract. But it would be a temptation, and I don’t want your pure soul to be sullied by it.’
‘But you’ll tell me without fail after I’ve done the deed?’
‘Without fail.’
I pondered. It was a fearful choice to have to make. But I did not hesitate long.
‘All right, Boko. I’ll do it.’
He tapped me affectionately on the chest. It was odd how to-night’s events had brought out the chest-tapper in him.
‘Splendid fellow!’ he said. ‘I thought you would. Now, you pop off to bed, so as to get a good night’s rest and rise alert and refreshed. I will sit up and rough out a few things for you to say to the old boy. It’s no good your trusting to the inspiration of the moment. You must have your material all written out and studied. I doubt, too, if, left to yourself, you would be able to think of anything really adequate. This is one of the occasions when you need the literary touch.’