The day started out good for Matt Connor. The one thing he loved was to hike in the Malibu Hills with his son strapped on his back. And on this particular hike, on a path he came across by chance, they stumbled into a running stream and a low waterfall, which to Jimmy turned out to be pure heaven. There was also a small natural pond, and Matt was able to go for a swim, while his son played in the mud on the shore. It was simply one of those mornings where everything seemed perfect with the world.
Back at the complex, Matt stopped at Kathy’s door and knocked. She had called the evening after her gallbladder attack. She had sounded like she was at the airport, but she had not let on that she was leaving town. That had been four days ago and he had not seen her since. Once again
there was no answer at her door. He missed Kathy; he hoped she returned soon.
Amy showed up shortly afterward. After so much fun in the hills, Jimmy was exhausted and fell quickly asleep. Then they made love and it was terrible. The perfect day was about to go to hell in a handbasket. For the last week, Amy had slipped back into her distant state. A state he was familiar with from the old days. When they were in bed together, she touched and kissed him with all the enthusiasm of a corpse. While she dressed to go, he asked if anything was wrong.
She shook her head. No.
He persisted. She got annoyed. He dropped it.
What a relationship. She kissed him goodbye and left.
Hours went by, it got late. Time for a bad day to change to horrible. He didn’t know that of course—not for sure—when eleven o’clock came around and he suddenly felt the need to drive to Amy and David’s house. To hike up to the bluff that overlooked their backyard—and more importantly their upstairs bedroom window—and spy on what they were doing. The urge came like a raging infection. He felt as if someone had lit a wick in the center of his brain. He suspected it was because for a long time he had repressed the desire to spy on them. He had told himself that there was no need—Amy loved him. But if the truth be known, he had not wanted to know. Now all he could think about was the need to know for sure. Amy had become particularly distant just before he had caught her with David.
His babysitter was still awake. He offered her twenty dollars if she would stay in his apartment and take care of Jimmy for an hour. No problem, Barbara said. She could watch TV as easily at his place. As he went out the door, she asked if he was okay. He must have looked strung out.
“Just got some business to take care of,” he said.
He drove to the Techer residence in a dream. He did not park on their street but one over. The moon was full; his shadow chased him up the dusty hill. He had brought
binoculars. As he nestled on his belly in his old spot, he thought of those dark days a year ago when he used to spy on Amy and her new husband.
He remembered that pain.
Especially as he focused his binoculars on their bedroom.
They were in bed together watching TV. Amy had sworn she no longer slept in the same room as David. Lie number one—did he need to hang around and count to ten? Matt could hear his heart pound into the ground as he watched. He felt close to the earth right then. He understood that it was right and proper that human life should end six feet under. He wished he could die but he had a problem. His heart kept beating and he had to keep watching.
They turned off the TV and the lights. The moon was the brightest he had ever seen it. God in His infinite wisdom had decided to shine a spotlight into their bedroom. Good old God and His sense of humor. Matt burst out laughing when David rolled over and started kissing Amy. It took them an entire minute to get their pajamas off. Then they … well, they … they just started to have sex. Her on top, her legs spread, rolling her vagina on his penis, probably breathing heavily and making all kinds of other sounds. Yeah, Matt could see that, he could understand that.
His Amy still liked to fuck David.
He did not remember standing up and walking down the hill. The next thing he knew he was outside the gate of the neighbor who lived behind David and Amy. He was familiar with the wall. He had scaled it when he had come for Jimmy. He looked down at his hands and realized he had left his binoculars up on the hill. He stared at his hands and imagined what they could do to David and Amy. He felt a moment of clarity and strength. He would break into their house and kill them. Ted Bundy had nothing on him right then because nothing else mattered.
He flew over the neighbor’s wall, then the wall that led into David and Amy’s backyard. He moved with the silence
of a panther, but if anyone had looked out their window they would have seen him. Not that he cared. Creeping onto the porch beneath their bedroom balcony, he was treated to the sound of Amy’s orgasm. It did not help that she made more noise with David. She even had to shout out his name.
“Cool,” Matt whispered. He continued to chuckle softly to himself. All he needed now was a plan. He tried the back door and it was locked—not a major obstacle. Their bedroom screen door led onto a balcony and it was wide open. He would have preferred to enter through the kitchen and get a knife. But it looked as if he would have to scale the dangling ivy and come in through the bedroom. Still no problem. He would take them by surprise; he was twice the man David was. He would kill him first, then Amy. He would use his bare hands if he had to. He would stare into her eyes as she choked. It would be interesting to hear what sounds she made then.
Would she try to say his name?
“Matt,” he said aloud. The word just burst out. He gasped at his carelessness and put his hand over his mouth. Twelve feet overhead, the heavy breathing stopped but after ten tense seconds of waiting no one reacted to his blunder. Yet the sound of his name had a profound effect on him. It reminded him who he was—Matt Connor, a fool in love, but not a fool when it came to revenge. A stab of sanity seared him. If he killed now he’d be killing himself. He’d go to jail and Jimmy would grow up with no one. It was the thought of his son more than anything that brought him to his senses. Slipping to the ground, he buried his head between his knees and quietly wept.
“Jesus,” he whispered. How could she have done this to him?
No. The question was: how could she have done it to him again?
Matt sat for several minutes in his misery before realizing his vulnerability. Neither David nor Amy could be asleep yet, and there were always the neighbor’s rear windows. He
had to get out of there! But the stretch of backyard that had not bothered him minutes before suddenly looked like a shooting range. He did not want to retrace his steps. He decided to do what he had done before with Jimmy. Go out the front.
David had not installed a new security system. Useless after the fact, the bastard probably thought. Matt climbed the side gate and seconds later was just another guy out for a late-night walk. He retrieved his binoculars from the hill and got back in his car and drove home.
Kathy was entering her apartment as he hiked up the stairs.
“Simon!” she called and waved.
He did not want her to see him in this condition. But he did not see how he could escape her. Already she was coming up the stairs to meet him. Wearing torn blue jeans and a gray sweater, her blond hair loose down her back, she looked like the summer sun. He wiped at his face and felt half-dried tears. He was having trouble breathing. He was back in the place where he had been when he had first caught Amy with David. In a place where only bad things were possible. Kathy smiled at him but then lost it as she came near. He tried to put on a brave front but she saw right through it.
“What’s wrong?” she asked when she reached him.
“Nothing. Had a rough night. Did you just get back?”
“Fuck that. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Where did you go?”
Kathy took him by the arm. “You’re coming to my place. We have to talk.”
“I have to pick up Jimmy from Barbara.”
“I’ll call her. She can watch Jimmy a little longer.”
Minutes later he sat on her couch beside her. He didn’t know what to say. He could not tell her the truth, yet he hated to lie. She was a good person, she cared about him—without wanting anything in return. He was so tired of all the lies and cheating in the world. He wished he could
open his heart to her completely. She had already called Barbara. The girl said she would be happy to watch Jimmy all night, at twenty an hour.
“Something happened with Amy,” Kathy said.
Matt nodded reluctantly. “You could say that.”
Kathy took his hand and squeezed it. “Did you two have a fight?”
He shook his head. “Not exactly.”
She stared for the longest time. “You caught her with someone else.”
He desperately wanted to deny it. He feared if he opened up even slightly he would crack all the way. He would burst out crying, and that was one thing he had never done in front of anyone since the nightmare had started over a year ago. But Kathy’s eyes were such a deep blue—twin seas he wished he could dive into and disappear. He did not answer right away and then he did not have to because she already understood.
“That whore!” Kathy swore.
“It’s not the way you think.”
“It is! The details don’t matter. I see it in your face. She betrayed you before and she’s betrayed you again.”
He tried to stand. “I’m tired. I better go.”
She grabbed his arm and pulled him down. Kissing his hand, she pressed it to the side of her face. Her cheek was damp—tears shed for him, he could not believe anyone would bother.
“Simon,” she said, almost pleading. “Let her go. Take Jimmy and leave. She’s not worth it.”
All he knew was agony. Why had he stayed to watch? The image of them fucking would haunt him the rest of his life. Death would not erase it. The galaxy would collapse into a massive black hole and it would remain. His Amy on top of that asshole. Kathy waited for him to respond.
“I don’t know,” he whispered.
“That’s not true. You do know what you have to do. But you’re afraid to do it because you’re afraid of losing her.
Let me tell you something, you have already lost her. In fact, you never had her to begin with. She’s an obsession, she’s not a love. Simon, there’s a difference. Love brings happiness. She just brings pain.”
He struggled. “If I didn’t love her, it wouldn’t hurt.”
“All right, say you’re right. What difference does it make? Stay with her and you’ll suffer. She wants you to suffer. She’s a small person. It makes her feel big to see a great man like you weep.”
“You haven’t even met her.”
“I don’t need to meet her! I just have to look at you. She’s killing you. What happened tonight?”
He shook his head. “I can’t talk about it.”
Kathy stood and paced. “Then fuck you both. You want to throw away your life on a little shit like her, you go ahead and do it.”
He looked at her in wonder. “Why do you care so much?”
“I don’t care, that’s my point. You want to behave like an idiot, you do it on your own time. I don’t need this shit.”
He stood. “I have to deal with it in my own way.”
She stopped him again. “No. You can’t go. You can’t be alone tonight.”
“But Jimmy …”
“Barbara will take care of Jimmy.” She hugged him and buried her face in his chest. “Stay here tonight.”
“Kathy?”
She looked up at him. “You can sleep in my bed beside me. I won’t touch you, I swear. You take the Percocet this time. The pain will recede, believe me. It won’t vanish but it will feel like it’s happening to someone else. It will help you fall asleep. Then, in the morning, you can figure out what to do.”
“I don’t like to take drugs.”
“You don’t like to get fucked in the ass either. But it’s already happened. Take two pills if you need them to sleep.” She reached up and kissed him on the lips. “Whatever gets you through the night.”
It was good to hold her. He kissed her back.
“Thank you,” he said.
THE EFFECT of the pills could not last forever, though. The morning sun came and with it his memory of the night’s events. Kathy said she wished she could stay with him but she had business to attend to. She left early and he picked up Jimmy and returned to his apartment, which now felt like a prison he had taken a lifetime lease on. There was only one solution to his dilemma. Kathy had said it. He had to take Jimmy and leave. Not even say goodbye to Amy. There was no other course and there was no point in delaying.
Yet he waited for her. She was supposed to come at twelve.
For once Amy arrived early. Perhaps she sensed something was wrong. Then again, she didn’t need to be psychic to know she was in trouble when she entered the apartment. He looked at her a long time and said nothing.
“What is it?” she asked.
He kept his voice low. Jimmy was asleep in the next room.
“I drove by your house last night. Saw you fucking David.”
She did not respond. Time took on an added dimension right then. It was as if he stared at her through a warped looking glass that distorted as well as revealed her. He did not recognize her—she looked like a witch. That was the point, though, he was finally seeing her as she really was. Amy died a little before him while the witch grew more substantial.
“I can explain,” she said.
He raised a hand. He was seated on his favorite chair, where they often snuggled.
“No. Don’t bother. I just wanted you to know that I know.”
“Matt.”
“I don’t want to hear your lies. It’s over between us.”
She came and knelt by his side. Already her eyes were damp. She tried to take his hand but he wouldn’t let her. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
“Right.”
“I do love you. I know you can’t believe that right now but it’s true. I know I lied to you when I said I wasn’t having sex with David. What happened between us last night was rare, but I admit it’s not the only time it’s happened since you came back into my life. But you have to understand why I lied to you. Why I am still sleeping with him. It’s not because I wanted to.”
“I heard your orgasm. It sounded like you enjoyed it.”
“You’re wrong. I faked that orgasm. I hate having sex with David. I hate him. But I’m still afraid of him. He still intimidates me. Yes, it’s my old lousy excuse but it’s still the truth. I’ve told you how horrible it is to live with him and you don’t listen. I’m a captive in that house. I don’t have my own free will.”
“You’re lying.”
“No. Since Jimmy disappeared from his life, he’s become a tyrant. He blames me every day for what happened. I don’t have a moment of peace. He controls everything I do. It’s easy for you to sit here with no one to answer to and judge me.”
“You’re right. I had an easy night.”
She grabbed his hand. “Matt, don’t hate me. Things are not the way they appear. You’re in my heart. I don’t want to be with David. But until this divorce is over, I’m under his thumb.”
“We could leave here tomorrow if you wanted.”
“Don’t be naive. We can’t leave with David still in the picture. We’ve discussed this. He and his father will find us. They’ll find Jimmy, and you’ll go to jail. You won’t believe this but the main reason I stay with David right now is to protect you.”
He snorted. “I can do without your protection.”
“You think you can. You’re in constant danger. We both are as long as David is alive.”
“Is that what they call a hint?”
She sat on her knees and stared up at him like a little girl. Even in his pain, he had to marvel at how innocent she looked. His angel, talking about murder. He had no illusion about what she would say next.
“I’ve thought about this a long time,” she said. “If I’m lucky and I finally get a divorce, David will still know where I am. But if I try to disappear, he’ll get suspicious. The FBI would probably do the same. Either way it’s hopeless. But if David dies in an accident then all our problems are solved. I no longer have to be with him behind your back, and you no longer have to keep looking over your shoulder.”
“And you get his money.”
“The money isn’t as important as our peace of mind.”
“You can have peace of mind with his blood on your hands?”
“Yes. He’s a horrible person. He doesn’t deserve to live. If he ever finds Jimmy again, he’ll raise him to be a monster. You don’t want that any more than I do.”
“He won’t want Jimmy once he discovers he’s mine.”
“Do you want to take that chance? Or an even worse chance? That Jimmy grows up with no father at all.”
Matt waved his hand. “You mention the FBI. If David should suddenly die after all this kidnapping business, you can be sure they’d be all over you.”
“No.”
“Don’t no me. I know what I’m talking about.”
“That’s right. You understand the FBI. You outwitted them like no one ever has. You can do it again. I have faith in you. You can figure out a way to get rid of David so that they’ll suspect nothing.”
Matt had to chuckle. “I would rather kill you first.”
Amy’s face was still damp. “Kill me then. I would rather die than live like this.”
“Famous last words.”
Amy stood and grabbed her purse from the coffee table where she had put it when she entered. Returning to his side, she removed two prescription bottles and handed them to him. Both were made out to Amy Techer: Seconal and Phenobarbital.
“I got these on the Internet with a phony prescription,” she said. “It’s a well-known combo in certain circles. Take twenty of each and you go to sleep and don’t wake up.”
He was unmoved. “So?”
“I carry them with me all the time. It’s only you and Jimmy that keep me from doing it.”
He tossed the pills back at her. “Take them and save us both the trouble.”
She looked so frail. “Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
Amy went into the kitchen and returned with a glass of water. Sitting at the table, she opened the bottles and poured out a handful of red and yellow pills. She tossed a half dozen in her mouth and used the water to swallow them.
“You’re bluffing,” he said.
She did not respond. She swallowed another half dozen.
“Amy,” he said.
“What?”
“Stop it.”
“No.” She grabbed more pills.
“I mean it, stop it.”
“No.” Another ten down the chute.
He stood. “You’re not going to kill yourself in front of me.”
She looked up at him; her lower lip trembled. “Would you prefer I wait until I get home?”
He grabbed the bottles from her hands and studied the labels more closely. The prescriptions had been filled by drugstore.com—biggest online pharmacy in the world.
“Christ,” he swore. “These are real.”
“I love you, Matt.”
“Shit!” He grabbed her by the arm. “Come, you’re going
to throw up in the toilet before they dissolve in your stomach.”
She shook him off. “No.”
He yanked her to her feet. “This isn’t funny anymore. You have to throw them up immediately.”
She went limp in his hands. To his surprise, she smiled and leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. “I love you. Do you love me?”
He was exasperated. “How can I love you after what you’ve done to me?”
“You don’t know me. Everything I do, I do it for you. Now I’ll die for you.”
He dragged her toward the bathroom. “You’re not going to do this.” Moments later he had her above the toilet. “Stick your finger down your throat.”
She looked dazed. “No.”
“If you don’t, I’ll have to call an ambulance.”
“Call one then.”
“You know I can’t do that. It would bring too much attention.”
“Then I guess I’ll just have to die.”
He shook his head. “You’re bluffing.”
She lost her smile. “I know your torture but you don’t know mine. Let me die, Matt. If you like, I can walk across the street and pass out in the park. It will be over before help can reach me. It’ll be better that way for both of us.”
He saw she was serious. He tried to force his own finger down her throat but she bit him. “You cannot do this!” he shouted.
A wave of fatigue swept over her and she sagged against the wall. He shot out a supporting hand and she rested the back of her head on the blue wallpaper with the white angels. Once again he was struck by how beautiful she looked. The thought of her laid out in a coffin smothered him with grief. And ten minutes ago he had wanted to kill her.
“I feel funny,” she whispered.
He grabbed her by her hair and forced her face toward the toilet. “Stick your finger down your throat this instant!”
She did not resist him but she did not cooperate either. On her knees, she muttered under her breath. “How can we be happy while he lives?”
The question weakened him as much as her suicide stunt. Because it was so true. He could never relax while David was in the world. He would never be free of the fear that she would go back to him. That did not say much for his trust in her—it was just reality. David and Amy were connected in the same way he and Amy were connected. The triangle felt ancient to Matt. Amy understood the strength of the button she pushed in him. Slumping beside the toilet bowl, she reached up and took his hand and kissed it.
“I will live if he dies,” she said. “It’s the only way.”
“We will never get away with it.”
“You will never get caught.”
Matt sighed. “All right. He dies.”