Chapter 10
Pa and Tad

The silence, the tension, the uncertainty the rest of that day and the next was so thick and strong that we all walked around in a numbed state of sadness. Besides Pa, I think Zack’s leaving was hardest on Tad. He had been a devoted son to Pa and a loving younger brother to Zack. And now suddenly the two idols of his world had nearly come to blows. He moped around in silence.

Pa managed to keep busy in the barn, going to town a lot, fixing things. He worked harder at the mine than I’d seen him work in three years, taking out his frustration on the rocks.

By the end of the second day, I sensed a gradual change come over Pa, and I was glad to see it. Zack was gone, and how long it would be before we might see him again, no one could tell. But instead of allowing it to destroy what was still left, Pa began to draw Tad closer. I suppose if good can come out of such a problem, it was good to see Pa trying to make use of what time was left him with his youngest son to build up the relationship so he didn’t hurt him like he had done to Zack.

Of course Tad had been involved in the mine ever since he had found the huge nugget that had changed everything for our family. But on the second day after Zack’s leaving, instead of just walking up to the mine to pound away by himself, Pa said, “Say, Tad, how about you and me seeing if we can dig any gold out of that hill today?”

Tad was still feeling pretty low, but he went with Pa. I don’t know if the two of them talked much, and if they did I doubt they talked about the one person who was most on their minds. But they both came back, sweating and tired and dirty, in much better spirits than before. Hard work has a way of clearing out both the mind and the heart when they’re cluttered up with feelings that are hard to understand.

The next day they cleaned out the barn together and repaired a section of the corral. Almeda and I could see that Pa was doing what he could to help ease Tad’s pain and at the same time trying to give them both something—not to take the place of Zack, but maybe in the place of Zack’s being there. That something was each other.

The two of them kept busy all week—busy, active, working hard, and tired. If they were going to keep thinking about Zack, they were going to have to do it in the midst of work and exercise! They got more gold out of the mountain and stream than they had in any week for three years, prompting Alkali Jones to fairly burst at the seams with his predictions of a new lode just waitin’ to spill out all over the dad-blamed valley, hee, hee, hee!

The barn and grounds hadn’t looked so tidy for a long time. They even took the wagon out into the woods and got started on next winter’s firewood supply when summer hadn’t even officially begun yet. At week’s end, the two of them mounted up and went up into the mountains overnight—the first time Pa had ever gone hunting alone with Tad—and they came back the next afternoon with two bucks slung over the pack mules. For the first time since Zack’s leaving, I saw a smile on Tad’s face as he was telling us about stalking the one that he himself had shot.

“He was too far away to get a clean shot when we first spotted him,” Tad said, his eyes gleaming. “So we had to work our way through the brush and trees to get closer without spooking him.”

“You shoulda seen him,” said Pa proudly. “He took dead aim right into the flank below his shoulder. One shot was all it needed. The big creature dropped where he stood without twitching a muscle. I’ve never seen such a shot!”

Tad went on excitedly telling about how they ran across the second one. I glanced over at Pa, watching him quietly. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he knew his efforts all week had paid off, that Tad felt better about Zack. Pa couldn’t know it yet, but his efforts accomplished far more than just helping Tad deal with the loss of his brother. The two of them were closer than they had ever been, and were fast friends from that day on.

I knew the pain over Zack, and what Zack had said, went further inside Pa than he was letting on. Almeda knew, too, how deeply he felt it. But Pa was the kind of man who had to sort things out by himself for a spell before he was ready to talk. I was sure he would let us know what he was feeling once he was ready. In the meantime, he seemed to be putting his efforts into helping Tad figure out his frustrations.

Whatever Zack might have said, I saw a loving, unselfish man when I looked at Pa. And I wished Zack could see, as I did, how Pa had been a good father to all of us—at least once we’d arrive in California.

When we first came to California, Zack carried a chip around on his shoulder against Pa for a while, but I thought he’d gotten over all that years ago.

But I guess I was wrong. All it took for me to forgive Pa was to talk with him a few times and see how his own heart ached over the past. I had seen Pa cry and pray and grow, and I knew what kind of man he was—deep down, on the inside. But maybe he and Zack had never talked that way.

As I thought about Zack, I realized that when a person isn’t able to forgive someone, a little seed of anger will eventually sprout and grow until branches and roots and leaves of bitterness come bursting out somewhere.

With Zack, apparently the forgiveness didn’t get finished, and now he was gone. And Pa was feeling one of the deepest pains a man can feel on account of it.

Meanwhile, other things kept us from thinking only about Zack. The Sunday after Pa and Tad got back from their hunting trip, Aunt Katie and Uncle Nick invited all of us to their place to eat and to have a family visit with them and Edie.

That day suddenly put Zack into the background of our thoughts for a while, and got me thinking about the dilemma of my decision all over again.