Chapter 15
A Talk With Pa
In spite of his activity with Tad, Pa could not help but be weighed down by Zack’s leaving and by the angry words he himself had spoken. Both Almeda and I knew him well enough to see that beneath the surface he was struggling hard to come to terms with what had happened.
A few days later I found him alone on the far side of the corral checking a hoof on one of the ponies. I walked up behind him.
“Made any decision about Sacramento, Pa?” I asked.
He slowly set the pony’s foot back down onto the dirt, then straightened up. The weary and downcast look on his face made him seem ten years older than he was. The loose shoe was the furthest thing from his mind.
“Sacramento?” he repeated, forcing a slight chuckle. “To tell you the truth, Corrie, I hadn’t hardly thought about it for a week. What about you? Got any idea what you aim to do yet?”
“No,” I shrugged. “I’ve been thinking about it, but I don’t suppose I’m any closer to knowing what God wants me to do than when we came back from San Francisco.”
“I reckon getting away from all the hubbub of the city does slow the pace a mite. I suppose that’s why I like it here. I couldn’t abide living in no city. That’s one thing I think I’ve decided. Whatever comes, I don’t aim to leave Miracle. Zack’s right about one thing. I was a fool to leave the only other home I ever had.”
“He didn’t say that, Pa.”
“He didn’t have to say those words. He may as well have said it. And even if he didn’t say it, it’s true anyhow, and I don’t intend to make the same mistake twice. I’ve got a home now, and I’m gonna keep it, even if it means I turn my back on everything any other man would give his eyeteeth for. No, I don’t suppose I’ve thought about it much, but I don’t reckon there’s much else to do now but say no.”
“Zack’s just all mixed up now, Pa,” I said. “You can’t plan your whole future on one outburst.”
“It goes a lot deeper than just the other day, Corrie. Couldn’t you tell? It had been building up inside the boy for years, and I never knew it. I don’t know how I could have been such a blind fool!”
He turned away and leaned over the rail fence. I knew what he was fighting against. I walked toward him and laid my hand gently on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything, and after a minute I pulled away, then climbed up and sat down on the top rail of the fence, looking up toward the mine.
“Doesn’t seem to me like you ought to blame yourself, Pa,” I said after a minute or two.
“How can I not blame myself? Don’t seem like there’s anybody else I can rightly blame.”
“He’ll cool off and come back, Pa.”
“I ain’t so sure, Corrie. You saw that look in his eye. He was determined. And it’s sure he’s not just a kid anymore. I got a feeling we might not see him for a spell.”
“Are you afraid for him?”
“No, that ain’t it.”
“Like you said, he’s not a kid. He’s old enough to take care of himself. He’s been away before, just like I have. You never seemed too worried about me, and Zack’s a man.”
“I’m not worried about him, Corrie. Sure, I know Zack’s every bit the man I was at his age. He’s made of better stuff inside, too. But I can’t help feeling a heap of guilt for the things he said. I haven’t been the pa to him I should have been. He’s right about me running out on you kids and your ma. My life isn’t one to be altogether proud of. The boy’s got every right to hate me. I deserve it.”
He stopped and let out a long sigh.
“But even when he said what he did,” Pa went on, “telling me how he’d hurt and saying nothing but what was the truth about me, like a blame fool I just got angry at him. . . .”
Finally Pa’s voice broke slightly at the memory of the blow he had given his son.
“God, oh, God . . . how could I?” he said in a more forlorn tone than I’d ever heard. “Telling him I’d take the belt to him! No wonder he was mad. He had a right to be. How could I have been so blind all this time to what he was feeling and thinking?”
He stopped. It was quiet for a minute, Pa breathing in deeply, but kind of unsteadily.
“Zack was always one to keep things inside, more than me, Pa,” I said. “When we first came here, he was trying to be more a man than he was. Then he took to hanging around you and Uncle Nick all the time, wanting to be grown up.”
“He did grow up too,” said Pa. “I don’t know why I didn’t let him know better how I felt about him.”
“You tried, Pa.”
“Not enough. But a man just gets so busy and involved with his own affairs that he doesn’t even know what his kids are thinking. They grow up so blamed fast; suddenly they’re adults and they’re holding things inside them that you done. But there’s no way you can go back and make it right to them.”
He paused a moment, then looked up at me earnestly.
“You got anything you’re holding inside about anything I’ve done or said, Corrie?” he asked. “It’d kill me to find out something I oughta know but not find out till it’s too late.”
“I don’t think so, Pa,” I answered with a smile. “Nothing I know of at least. You’ve been about the finest pa a girl could have, and I love you, Pa.”
He looked away. There were tears in his eyes, both from what I’d said and from the hurt over Zack.
“Pa,” I said, “I feel bad, too. I was guilty of taking Zack for granted myself. I figured Zack felt just like I did about being a Christian, but maybe he had a more independent streak in him than I did. You and I talked about your past, and you confided in me and we prayed together. I suppose I was able to put it behind me more than he did. It made me love you more, but I guess people can react to the same situation in opposite ways, and so what drew me closer to you, he resented. It’s not your fault. You can’t lash out at yourself for Zack’s holding things against you.”
“If he had a right to . . . if it was for mistakes I made.”
“You said it yourself, Pa—he’s grown up now, just like I have, and so he’s got to be responsible himself for his reactions. That’s part of growing up too, it seems to me.”
“Maybe you’re right. But how does a man keep from feeling guilty over not giving his own son all of him he might have?”
Neither of us had seen Almeda walking slowly toward us as we’d been talking. She came closer and heard the last of Pa’s question. He glanced up, then reached out his hand and drew her toward him.
“Still wrestling with Zack, Drummond?” she said.
Pa sighed and nodded his head. I knew they’d talked a lot about it already.
The three of us were silent for a while; then Almeda began to pray softly. “Oh, Father,” she said, “I ask for a special pouring down of your grace for my husband. Comfort his father’s heart and ease his pain over his son.”
She stopped. There was nothing else to pray. Her simple words had expressed what both of us were feeling right then toward Pa. I was praying silently myself, not knowing what I could say. Then to my surprise I heard Pa’s voice.
“God,” he prayed in a raspy, quiet voice, “watch over my son. Wherever he is right now, take care of him. Even if he doesn’t think I care about him, Lord, show him that you care for him. And if you can, help him to see that I do too. Bring him back to us safe, Lord.”
“Amen,” Almeda added softly.
Again it was silent for a while. At last Pa and Almeda headed off toward the creek, Pa’s arm still around her shoulder, talking softly together.