LAWS, LIARS, AND LIBATIONS

Some dudes will say just about anything to get laid. They’re absolutely relentless with unoriginal compliments, career lies, and anything else they think will help them get horizontal. Any woman who’s left her house long enough to go to a bar, club, or pet store knows what I’m talking about. Shit like, “I don’t usually talk to girls at bars,” “I’m not like other guys,” and “I read books.” Lies, lies, lies—he just wants a piece of your apple pie. (We already learned about “apple allure” earlier in this book.)

Anyway, the tactic of lying for lady bits—also referred to as “spitting game”—is as old as time. Your dad did it to your mom, and Adam probably did it to Eve. (I don’t think her leaf just fell off.) At one point, laws were even passed in an attempt to prevent this behavior by making it illegal for men to bullshit their way into bed. Known as Anti-Seduction Acts, or Seduction Laws, these ordinances were passed in states such as New York, Virginia, Ohio, and Georgia during the 1800s. Each state had its own take on seduction policy, but the one thing they all had in common: Seduction laws applied to the false promise of marriage. Ha, really? How fucking desperate is that? One minute he’s buying you a drink and lying about his career as an astronaut, and the next he’s throwing out the mother of all Hail Marys and asking for your hand in marriage.

Now, the really stupid thing about these laws is that they assumed women couldn’t already sniff out some bullshit. Like somehow a false marriage proposal was a hypnotic guarantee of gettin’ some. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure girls don’t need legal legislation to help them avoid a douche. I mean, I’ve spent a fair amount of time in Las Vegas, and from what I’ve seen, women are perfectly capable of navigating douchey waters.

Girls, if a guy simply won’t stop trying to get into your honeypot, you’re in luck, because there’s still a law for you: Newton’s law of universal gravitation. This law states that if you hold your drink above a man’s head and rotate it sideways, the contents within will do the work of getting rid of him.