PET PARENTING 101

Sure, you can call yourself a “dog mom” or a “cat daddy.” But the truth is, you’re not a fucking parent—you’re a kidnapper, and pets are the ultimate example of Stockholm syndrome. I mean, when has your dog ever complained about where you live? Not once. You just randomly brought him home one day like, “Hey, welcome to your new home,” and never has he said shit about your dirty laundry, wine-stained carpet, or poorly assembled IKEA furniture set. He simply accepted his new life with a good attitude and a happy tail. So the way I see it, there’s no such thing as taking it too far when it comes to being a good parent to your pets. I say, buy them cute clothes, throw them birthday parties, and treat them like a member of the fucking family. That’s the least you can do after kidnapping them from their real mom. Just don’t do what Mary Toft did—she was fucking crazy.

In 1726, the seemingly normal resident of Surrey, England, took the pet-parenting thing a little too far. You see, Mary Toft had such a weird-ass obsession with rabbits that she would actually stuff bunnies up her vagina and pretend to give birth to them—literally trying to be their mom. (And you that thought visiting your gynecologist was uncomfortable.) She even performed this feat in front of doctors, convincing them she was a legit bunny-birther. In fact, medical professionals began to attribute her miraculous conceptions to “maternal impression,” the belief that dreams and obsession could lead to physical changes within a mother’s womb.

Mary became an overnight celebrity and even caught the attention of the British royal family. She carried on her hare hoax for months, “giving birth” to at least fifteen bunnies during this time. It wasn’t until a politician put her claims under intense investigation that she finally confessed to what she was doing. (Oh, I forgot to tell you, Mary was married. Her husband was the one buying all the bunnies for her to “birth.”)

Huh, suddenly becoming a crazy cat lady doesn’t seem so crazy, does it? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a dog’s birthday party to attend.