BITING BACK

When we choose and set boundaries—emotional, physical, spiritual, or whatever—we set restrictions on how others can treat us (including ourselves). And what happens when somebody crosses our boundary? Well, we get upset, we get uncomfortable, or perhaps we become utterly fucking “unreasonable.” Regardless, setting boundaries is perfectly healthy. In fact, setting boundaries is absolutely fucking necessary. And what better time to set boundaries—and defend those boundaries—than around the holidays?

To illustrate this, here’s a story about what happened when somebody crossed a boundary at a holiday party: In 1837, a man by the name of Thomas Saverland was talking to Miss Caroline Newton and her sister at an English pub the day after Christmas. As the three conversed, Caroline’s sister shared the news that she had a boyfriend (not in town) to whom she’d made the promise to “not be kissed” while they were apart during the holiday season. And, well, Thomas took this as a challenge and laid one on her. He laughed, Caroline’s sister laughed (albeit a bit awkwardly), and Caroline did the exact fucking opposite—she spoke up.

Arrogantly, Thomas felt he was being faced with yet another challenge and said, “If you’re angry, I’ll kiss you also.” But when he attempted to do so, Caroline fought back, and the two fell to the ground. When they regained their footing, Caroline went on the attack. Thomas tried AGAIN to give her a kiss, and Caroline bit off his left nostril. Yep, since he refused to listen after she’d already given him a piece of her mind, she bit off a piece of his fucking nose.

Okay, so you might be wondering why the details of the encounter are so comprehensive. I mean, how the hell could we possibly know what happened at a bar nearly two hundred years ago? (Chances are, you can barely even remember last weekend.) Well, it’s because Thomas took Caroline to court after losing part of his nose to her mouthy retort. The incident was recorded by a reporter, and the proceedings became known as the Saverland v. Newton case. You’ll be happy to hear that the jury found Caroline not guilty, and she was acquitted of all charges after the chairman stated, “Gentlemen, my opinion is, that if a man attempts to kiss a woman against her will, she has a right to bite his nose off, if she has a fancy for doing.” In other words, “Suck it, Saverland. You deserve that nostril loss.”

Now, I’m not saying you have to start biting people (unless they deserve it), but setting boundaries—and protecting/enforcing those boundaries—is going to come in handy in your life. Especially when somebody starts to get too handsy or, you know, too nosy.