BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN

Did you know the blonde allele is so recessive and rare that only 2 percent of the world’s population has naturally blonde hair? Well, it’s true. So throughout the years, those outside the allele in-crowd have tried some pretty weird shit in pursuit of golden locks. Back in the day, you couldn’t exactly walk to the store and buy an eight-dollar box of do-it-yourself bullshit. Really, eight dollars? C’mon, of course that product is garbage. If you’re trying to go blonde, put up the money to have it done by a professional. You’ll be glad you did when you end up looking like an ice princess instead of the fucking pumpkin that was used to make Cinderella’s carriage. It’s your choice: Do you want to be a princess, or do you want to be a Halloween decoration? While you think about that, let’s discuss some old-timey hair-dying techniques.

In ancient Rome, women attained the golden glow with the use of pigeon shit. In Renaissance Venice, they used horse urine. Why? Well, as with most permanent hair dye, both these items contain ammonia. I’m not exactly sure how effective these organic products were (or still are), but what could possibly be more enjoyable than washing your hair with animal excrement? These blondes really were having more fun. And if they weren’t, at least their beauty products were made by animals instead of being tested on them, right?

Speaking of blondes having more fun, in ancient Greece, prostitutes were easy to spot because they usually wore blonde wigs. I guess you could say those blondes were also having more “fun.” (However, much like their hair color, they were probably faking it.)

Anyway, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a dumb blonde anymore, because you just learned some blonde history. You’re welcome.