A STABBY STANDOFF

Defend what’s yours. Your girl, your man, your opinion—if you feel passionate about ANYTHING, by all means defend it. When somebody insults your boyfriend or girlfriend, you’d better step up and shut that shit down. When somebody tells you that you’re wrong, don’t be timid but stand by your opinion. And when somebody reaches across the table to snag a fry from your plate without asking, put a fork between their third and fourth metacarpal. (If it’s a first date and you hope to land a second, maybe try a wrist slap instead of a hand stab. You don’t want to come off too crazy too quickly—we still live in a civilized society.) Okay, all french-fry fork-play aside, you get what I’m saying: If you care about something, defend it and fight for it, regardless of how overwhelmed, outnumbered, or unprepared you might be.

Speaking of fighting, let’s go back a few hundred years and learn something. The year is 1797 and the French have just invaded Wales, triggering the Battle of Fishguard, a short-lived conflict, thanks to heavy opposition from everyday Welsh civilians not about to let French intruders call their city home. One such civilian’s actions were the very definition of defending what’s yours.

Her name was Jemima Nicholas, and she took it upon herself to get these foreign fucks out of her town. So one night she ventured out and came across a group of French soldiers in the midst of an invasion celebration. (What’s more annoying than uninvited guests? Uninvited guests throwing a fucking party.) Armed with nothing but a pitchfork—and outnumbered twelve to one—Jemima disturbed, disarmed, and detained all these would-be partygoers inside the local church.

The following morning, all twelve soldiers surrendered to the British army, and Jemima’s heroic actions are forever marked on her gravestone outside St. Mary’s Church in Fishguard, Wales.

Huh, looks like forks are just as effective at defending against French invaders as they are at defending a plate of french fries from an aggressive first-dater. So when the time comes, put down this book, pick up a fork, and prepare to defend what’s yours.