ASHLEY’S FAKE EYELASHES

Jealousy. It’s a hell of a thing. There is literally no other human emotion quite like it. It’s powerful, it’s sickening, and it causes people to do some ridiculous shit. Destroyed marriages, broken friendships, shattered careers—people will completely fuck up their lives over stupid feelings of envy, anxiety, and resentment. Guys are jealous of another guy’s car, girls are jealous of another girl’s guy, and everybody is jealous of somebody with great eyes and eyelashes. Yeah, you heard me. Don’t act like you don’t wish your eyes were fucking pretty. Yes, even you, Mr. Macho Man. You know you’d blink the shit out of Paul Walker eyes if you had them (RIP).

People say eyes are the window to the soul, but that’s some bullshit. Eyes are more like the doorway to your dreams. Seriously, if you have a sweet set of peepers—and you know how to use them—you can pretty much write your ticket in life. You can brainwash people with your baby blues and get yourself into all sorts of fun and/or trouble. You can even bounce from bedroom to bedroom if you’re into that sort of thing, because everybody wants to have sex with a pretty-eyed stranger.

Speaking of sexy eyes, the ancient Romans believed eyes—in particular, the eyelashes—were directly related to how much sex a person was having. Long eyelashes? She’s a good, wholesome gal saving herself for marriage. Short, thin, ragged eyelashes? You better believe that girl is homie hopping. In fact, Pliny the Elder once said, “Eyelashes fall out from excessive sex, and so it is especially important for women to keep their eyelashes long to prove their chastity.” Ha, now that’s some bullshit. However, it was this belief that contributed to the invention of fake eyelashes and eye makeup. Yep, filters for your face and eyelids have been around since ancient Roman times.

Well, there you have it. Now you know why your friend Ashley refuses to leave the house without her fake eyelashes—she’s just trying to look like Roman marriage material. “Lookin’ good, Ash.”