NO CHILD, THANKS TO CROCODILES

Let’s be honest, condoms suck. Nobody likes them. Not your mom, not your dad, not even the lady in your building living in 6E. (Yes, even Carol hates getting it with the use of a dick mitten.) But sadly enough, condoms work. They keep your junk from burning, your crotch from itching, and, most importantly, your life from falling apart. Because unless you’re absolutely ready for it, pregnancy can be a soul-crushing experience.

Accordingly, people have been finding ways to avoid the destructive nature of children long before the invention of the weenie glove. Even as far back as 1850 BC, a time when the ancient Egyptians got rather creative and resourceful with crocodiles. Yes, crocodiles. Toothy, reptilian, ferocious creatures—you know, like your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. And with anywhere from sixty to seventy-two teeth and a four-thousand-pound bite force, I would imagine putting your dick in a crocodile’s mouth is pretty fucking awful. Call me crazy, but I don’t think a blowjob should feel like going on a safari.

Anyway, the ancient Egyptians made good use of the plentiful Nile crocs when it came to keeping a baby out of your lady box. So how exactly did the Egyptians use the crocodiles? Well, it’s actually quite simple. (Fucking gross, but simple.) They mixed crocodile dung, mud, and honey together to create an all-natural, highly effective spermicide. The pH level of crocodile dung will pretty much kill any little swimmer trying to find a home. First, I don’t even want to know how the fuck the Egyptians figured that out. Second, the first lady to volunteer to cover her vagina in crocodile shit, mud, and honey must have been into some seriously kinky stuff.

Now remember, pregnancy is never a good game plan to lock down a guy. In fact, you shouldn’t let any guy wearing cargo shorts even near your lady parts. (That’s probably the easiest way to avoid getting pregnant because it automatically eliminates 99 percent of all men.) But the 1 percent of men without cargo shorts might be worth risking it. Because they’re most likely doctors or have some other career that requires them to respect themselves.