Alison sighed and shut her magazine. She’d been waiting for Carolyn to come back to the hotel for almost two hours. The concierge had assured her the Rome dinner hour was over by now which meant that Carolyn was probably going to some infernal symphony. Alison hoped she wasn’t with the conductor. Some chance. Alison had been telling herself for the last half an hour that she was a fool.
What had possessed her to cross continents? A couple of letters with uncertainty in them? Why, now that she had made it to her destination, exhausted and hungry, was she sitting in a hotel lobby, waiting for the sight of Carolyn? Love stinks, she thought. Love is the pits. Love is killing me. Love is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Why am I putting myself through this?
Disgusted, she tucked the boring magazine in her satchel and headed for the elevator. She’d order room service, take a long, hot shower, and leave a message for Carolyn to call her in the morning.
Her stomach growled appreciatively as the elevator filled with the aroma of whatever delightful concoction was under the various domes on the room service cart next to her. Alison saw the waiter glance at her, so she smiled and rubbed her stomach to mimic hunger. When she raised her eyebrows and indicated the domes, he rattled off a list that meant nothing to her. She peered at the bill, hoping to recognize a few words so she would know what to order, but nothing made sense—except the name and room number! Vincense, room eight-one-seven. What a dope she was—Carolyn had been in her room all along. The hotel must have rung the wrong room when she had first tried.
Alison got off the elevator with the waiter and walked slowly down the long hallway while the waiter went in the opposite direction. She imagined she heard Carolyn’s soft voice as the waiter was admitted into the room and reappeared a few moments later. She kept walking, hoping she didn’t run out of hallway before the elevator came. She did. So she fumbled in her satchel as if looking for keys, then, mercifully, the elevator came and took the waiter away.
She virtually skipped back to Carolyn’s door, then rapped as the waiter had. Grinning, she bent her head away from the peephole, and when Carolyn’s voice queried her purpose, Alison faked a very bad Italian accent and said there was a problem with the order.
“It’s fine,” Carolyn answered.
“No, ah, reelee Signorina, I must, ah, check the order.” Alison realized she sounded like Maurice Chevalier, but Carolyn opened the door.
“Surprise!” Alison swept inside and gave Carolyn a bear hug. Poor thing’s in shock, she thought, when Carolyn went rigid and stayed rigid. Alison let go of her and stepped back, then realized Carolyn was wearing a hotel bathrobe.
“Did I get you out of the shower?” Alison thought she must have because Carolyn looked so odd—her face was draining of color.
Time didn’t seem to move for a few moments while Carolyn stared at Alison, who stared back. Alison inhaled deeply, recognizing the smell of the food on the room service cart, and then something else—familiar, intimate. She looked around the room, and at the closed door that must lead to the bedroom. The light was on and a shadow crossed it, visible under the door.
Alison looked back at Carolyn who began to flush. Her color deepened while Alison stared at her accusingly. “I have interrupted something, haven’t I?” Carolyn nodded. “I thought you were going to avoid another holiday fling. At least that’s what you said in your letters.”
“Ally, I have to tell you something—”
“No, you don’t. Really. I don’t want to know.” Alison stepped backward, fumbling for the door. “None of my business.”
“But it’s not what you think,” Carolyn said, her voice high with distress. “I mean, it is, but it’s not.”
“Leave me a message when you’ll be free. I’m only here a couple of days,” Alison said. This was her worst nightmare—it wasn’t even a nightmare she’d ever had. To find Carolyn like this…to see her after making love had been a dear fantasy, but not after someone else had been loving her! She had to get out.
The bedroom door opened and a man stood there in pants and shirt. Of course, Alison thought bitterly, the conductor.
“Carolyn, is something wrong?” The voice was not very deep, but it resonated.
“No. Nick, uh,” Carolyn’s voice died away, then steadied. “Nick, I want you to meet my…dearest friend and my agent, Alison McNamara.”
Nick didn’t leave the doorway, but said across the semi-darkness, “A pleasure.”
“Likewise,” Alison said, knowing her voice dripped sarcasm she couldn’t cover. She felt betrayed and wounded, as if Carolyn had thrust a long dagger right into her heart. She struck back in pain. “Is he better than your ex-husband?”
“Alison,” Carolyn whispered. “I said I have something to tell you. It’s not what you think.”
Alison laughed at the irony. “Then I’d like to know what it is.”
The conductor moved into the room. “Since you’re Carolyn’s dearest…friend, though I can’t say you act like it, I guess you should know the truth.”
Alison stared as the light shone brightly on the conductor’s face, illuminating angular features made harsher by expression than by their own design. Short hair—very Laurie Anderson. The light captured what should not have been filling a man’s shirt, the points of soft breasts. Alison gasped and caught her stomach in raw pain. This was worse, so much worse.
“Alison,” Carolyn said, “Nick is a woman. I’m…I’m a lesbian.”
“No,” Alison whispered. Men she could forgive, maybe. Men she could compete with, knowing that they would never be emotionally sustaining to Carolyn. But another woman…a powerful, daring butch woman…no. She groped for the door, and put her hand on the knob.
“Alison, please don’t go,” Carolyn pleaded. “Not like this. I’ve been hoping you could accept me.”
“A friend wouldn’t leave like this,” the conductor said. “Carolyn obviously cares for you, so why are you hurting her?”
“I didn’t travel thousands of miles to see this,” Alison said.
“See what?” The conductor’s contempt cut into Alison.
Alison whirled around. She would not go home whipped by this…this bulldyke! “To see my best friend making a fool of herself over a predatory bitch!”
Carolyn gasped. “Alison, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
The conductor laughed and walked toward Alison, stopping near enough for Alison to see and smell the traces of lovemaking that hadn’t yet been washed away. Her world shattered.
“I’ve been called a lot of things, but never predatory.”
“You’re a woman so afraid of her womanhood you’re hiding it, lying and making Carolyn lie, too. You dress like a man because you can’t be a woman. You’re not strong enough to be a woman!”
“I assure you, I’m a woman. Carolyn can attest to it.”
The conductor knows, Alison thought. She shut her eyes to block out the conductor’s triumphant gleam as the brutal truth sank into Alison. She knows I’m in love with Carolyn. But Carolyn can’t know. Please let me save at least that much of my dignity.
“A shadow-woman, then,” Alison said weakly.
“Alison, don’t,” Carolyn said, her voice thick with tears.
She pities me. “I don’t need your mercy,” Alison said. “I guess I’ll cut my stay short.”
She evaded the hand that would have caught her arm, closed her ears to Carolyn’s plea, and scrambled out the door. She ran the length of the corridor to the service stairs and stumbled down the two flights to her room.
She hadn’t really unpacked—what had she been thinking, that she and Carolyn would share a room? Stupid, I’m so stupid. She ignored the phone when it started to ring. Keeping my life on hold, waiting for her—it’s over. Cases stuffed, she fled the room, threw her credit card down at the front desk, then flung herself into a cab.
The darkness was filled with the conductor’s triumphant face. She tried to make the image go away, but it persisted. She could ruin Nicolas Frost if she wanted to, she told herself. She could out Nicolas Frost with a vengeance! What a story—hey world press, he’s a she and she’s a dyke!
She rocked back into the depths of the cab. She couldn’t do it. It would hurt Carolyn, and even though Alison wanted, at this moment, to hurt Carolyn the way she herself was hurting, she knew she couldn’t do that to another lesbian. But if Nicolas Frost hurt Carolyn, or ever said anything homophobic, then nothing would stop her.
The next flight to Frankfurt left in an hour. Alison went to the women’s restroom to wait, sobbing silently in huddled misery. She wore her sunglasses on the plane, and knew they would not fool anyone.
***
Nick held Carolyn against her, knowing Carolyn was hardly aware of her. She was ashamed of herself, but hoped that in the long run the nasty scene would teach Carolyn a vital lesson—the world did not like them. Nick wasn’t ashamed of being a lesbian, but she wanted too much from the world to risk her standing. Carolyn would learn that if her best friend couldn’t accept her, then very few people would. She had sensed, deep down, that Alison was in love with Carolyn, but she still didn’t regret what she’d done. If Alison didn’t have the courage to tell Carolyn, then Nick wasn’t going to do it for her.
“Carolyn, you’re going to make yourself sick,” Nick said. “Come to bed and try to calm down.”
“I can’t,” she said between ragged breaths. “Alison has always been there for me. After my parents died, after that awful marriage, Alison was there. She’s like my sister…she sells my books, she made this trip possible…” Carolyn began to cry again.
Later, when Carolyn slept fitfully, tucked under Nick’s arm, Nick dreamed of a perfect world where she and Carolyn shared breakfast every day, where Carolyn was always in the conductor’s box, and Carolyn was there to be loved and to love her every night. She dreamed of a perfect world where the premiere conductor and world-famous author stood side-by-side for photographs that were captioned, “Nicola Frost and Carolyn Vincense, long-time companions.” Maybe someday she would be as open as Martina Navratilova. She had hoped the masquerade would be over soon, but this recording deal would lead to others. The dream would have to wait for a few more years, but someday she would be too established to oust. She would make waiting worth Carolyn’s while. She yawned and drowsed, smiling in the darkness. She could make dreams come true with one wave of her baton.
***
The next few days in Rome were heaven for Nick. The performances seemed less quarrelsome, the weather stayed sultry and Carolyn did not want to get out of bed. They were both starving all the time but food was low on the priority list. On the day before Carolyn was due to leave for California, Nick arrived back at her suite to find her having tea with Oscar. She had obviously been shopping because Nick would have remembered the tight Italian jeans that encased the slender legs. She would have noticed the shirt, too—crinkled white cotton with a rose splashed over one breast and a long stem that twined its way to the hem of the shirt which missed meeting the top of the jeans by a couple of centimeters. The sight of Carolyn’s lightly tanned midriff made Nick wobbly. Ordinarily she would have minded being wobbly, but she didn’t care in the least as she dropped a kiss on the mouth that curved in welcome. Carolyn caught her and kissed her back, taking her time.
“Ahem,” Oscar said.
Nick broke off the kiss long enough to say, “Not my fault.”
“Really?” Oscar sighed heavily and made a sound of unmistakable British distaste when Nick went back to kissing Carolyn. “The least you could do is retire to the bedroom.”
“Good idea,” Carolyn said into Nick’s mouth.
“Disgusting,” Nick heard Oscar say as they closed the door behind them.
Nick immediately slid her hands under the shirt. Her fingers trembled over the golden skin of Carolyn’s stomach. She was considerably weakened when Carolyn pulled the shirt over her head. Still, she had the strength to unhook Carolyn’s bra and kiss the red marks the straps had left. Her hands captured the heavy softness the bra had cradled. “Torture trap,” she murmured.
“Taking it off this way is so much nicer than doing it by myself,” Carolyn said. Her back arched and Nick hugged Carolyn to her, her hands massaging the smooth skin of Carolyn’s back. Her hands appreciated the snug fit of the jeans over Carolyn’s derriere. Then Carolyn pushed her back on the bed.
“Don’t I get to undress?”
“When I say so,” Carolyn said, her lips curving in a sensuous smile.
“Are you going to have your way with me?” Nick’s hands returned to Carolyn’s breasts as Carolyn leaned over her.
“Si. Right-o. Oui. Ja. You betcha.”
“Good answer.” Nick shuddered as Carolyn’s hand pressed against her crotch. She unzipped her pants with a moan. She could feel how wet she was now, and she knew how eagerly Carolyn’s fingers would take her.
Carolyn’s fingers were quick and sure. Nick gasped, meeting Carolyn’s rhythm. “So…fast. Vivace.” Carolyn’s hand stopped, then moved so slowly Nick groaned.
“No, largo,” Carolyn murmured.
“Who’s the conductor here?” Her mouth was dry. Her hips arched frantically.
Carolyn pushed Nick’s shirt up and stripped away the gauze, her mouth tasting Nick’s breasts the moment they were bare.
Nick groaned deep in her throat. She could think of nothing but offering her body to Carolyn and succumbing to the way Carolyn gave her pleasure.
For some reason Nick’s brain kept reminding her that it was the middle of the afternoon, that Oscar was probably still in the next room, but her body didn’t care.
Carolyn’s body apparently didn’t care either. The softness Nick’s mouth found was beyond words—beyond music even. And the sweetness that Nick’s tongue explored was the essence of Carolyn’s passion, heady and addictive.
Nick said later, “I suppose we should get some supper.”
“Umm.” Carolyn sighed and curled herself around Nick’s body. Nick felt new wetness against her hip. She had thought herself utterly satisfied, but her body responded to Carolyn’s wetness with its own. When Carolyn finally let her out of the bed she raided the fruit basket sent by the hotel for strawberries and a banana.
“Toss me an apple,” Carolyn said. She sat up, pulling a sheet up over her breasts. Nick smiled to herself. Carolyn’s usual modesty was at odds with her incredible passion. On the other hand, Nick was already fantasizing about removing the sheet and tasting Carolyn’s breasts again.
“I don’t want to go home, Nick, not yet.” Carolyn studied her apple after she bit into it.
Nick’s heart did a jig. She had deliberately not brought up Carolyn’s scheduled departure, waiting for some sign from Carolyn about what she wanted. “What do you want to do?”
Carolyn stared up at Nick, then her gaze fell, riveting on the triangle of hair between Nick’s legs. Nick swayed. “I want to keep on making love to you. And I know I’m not ready to face home.”
“Come home with me then. London has more museums than you can count. And musty churches by the score. You’ll love it.”
“Okay.” Carolyn set down her half-eaten apple. Nick swayed again when Carolyn said huskily, “Come back over here.”
Nick told her legs not to open again but they did it all by themselves. Really, it was getting embarrassing. But she could live with it.
***
Alison was aware that Devon was watching her, but she did not meet his gaze, or anyone else’s for that matter. He could stare. She knew she’d made a fool of herself. She did not want his pity. She paid someone else to water Carolyn’s lawn, but otherwise her life went on. Nothing had changed except a future that hadn’t been hers anyway. And she had a lot of work to do, filling in a big hole in her business now that a major client was no longer there.
Sacramento’s spring was in full glory. Alison had considered living in the Bay Area, but spring was her favorite season, and Sacramento’s frosty winters faded into a cool, green thaw followed by weeks of wonderful spring. The ballfield grass went from slate-green to a verdant carpet of life. Along the sidewalks azalea bushes replaced dark winter leaves with vivid scarlet and violet flowers, and the delicate tips of daffodil bulbs cracked the soil in window boxes, and gardens put forth blazing yellow, peach and white blooms. The freeways were a delight to drive, lined with purple and red carpets of ice plant and divided by rows of rejoicing oleander bushes. The season of rebirth and new surprises went on for weeks, slowly easing into the hot summer. It had been a beautiful spring. Alison couldn’t remember when she had been more depressed.
The window box outside her office offered two neglected irises and several tulips, and Alison opened the window to give them some water. Poor plants, she shouldn’t take her depression out on them. The soil rewarded her with a puff of mulchy aroma, the smell of something living. When she turned back, Devon was just laying an envelope on her desk, and he left without his usual jabs and sarcasm—it was air mail from Rome. Alison thought about reading it then and there, but her composure couldn’t risk it. It was only later that evening, after she’d finished a lonely Canadian Club on the rocks, that she finally read Carolyn’s letter.
Dear Alison:
I’ve given you some time to think and maybe by now you can better accept the new me. I’m sorry you found out that way, but when I began to accept how I was changing I planned to tell you anyway—I couldn’t go through my life without sharing my changes with you. And I’m very sorry you left, because I think we would have had a lot of fun traveling together. The new me shouldn’t affect our friendship, but of course I know it will. I feel toward you as I always have and so how much our friendship changes is up to you. I hope you can accept me. I hope you can accept how my life is going to change. I suppose on a business level I should tell you I doubt Carly Vincent will pen another book. She’s dead…but Carolyn Vincense is finally alive.
I’ve decided for now to return home with Nick to London. I don’t know how long I’ll stay. Au revoir.
Carolyn
Alison read the letter again. She hadn’t thought about what she’d do when Carolyn returned. She hadn’t realized, until now, that she still had to come out to Carolyn. It was simply awful that she’d left Carolyn with the impression she was homophobic, for God’s sake. But she still had to decide how much she would tell Carolyn about how she felt.
And how did she feel? As dead as Carly Vincent. And without enough emotion in her entire body to grieve. It seemed natural to call Sam and perfectly all right to accept Sam’s invitation to coffee so Alison could tell her about her trip.
But as she sat with the cup of coffee in her hand, Alison couldn’t find the words to tell Sam what had happened. Her throat filled with an asteroid-sized lump. Sam, sitting across from Alison at the memorable coffee table, reached over and took the cup away. Then, when Alison found she couldn’t manage a coherent sentence, Sam moved next to her and rocked Alison against her shoulder. Sam said everything would be o-k.
Alison was overwhelmed with images of Carolyn making love with the conductor. Her hands fumbled with Sam’s shirt. Then Sam undressed her and murmured in Alison’s ear, “Call it comfort for now.”
***
In the West End of London, on a narrow street where the three-story residences were all identical, right down to the window boxes, Carolyn waited patiently for Nick to unlock the door to her flat. Nick grinned when the key turned and the door swung back. “My castle, only two flights up. After you.”
Carolyn had not known what to expect, but the drama of the flat was entirely in keeping with the drama of Nick. The yellowed linoleum floor was almost hidden by thick rugs in striking black and red geometric patterns. The small living room was dominated by Mondrian prints illuminated by several precisely focused track lights. Nick pressed switches and more light sprang from art deco sconces mounted on the walls at about hip height.
“The torchieres were here when I moved in. I’ve changed the fabric on the wall, though,” Nick said. “Decorating absorbed quite a bit of spare energy after I donned my male garb. It was actually a challenge to find a scheme that was neither masculine or feminine.”
“It’s very like you, somehow.” Carolyn ran one hand over the jacquard pattern of white on white that was tucked and folded around the torchieres. She wondered how her own home looked, now that Samantha had probably finished it. The thought brought other images of home and with a twinge, she recalled Alison. The void she could feel inside was one reason she had delayed her return home.
“That door’s to the other bedroom—my music library and instruments are in there. Come give our bedroom a look-see,” Nick said, dragging suitcases with her.
“I can hardly wait.” Between their flights, performances, sightseeing and Carolyn’s period they hadn’t made love for four whole days. She was sure this feeling of wanting sex every minute of every day—or so it seemed—would fade in time, but she wasn’t in any hurry. She was mildly worried about her feelings for Nick being entirely too much on a physical level…but the worry was very easy to ignore.
The bedroom had more of the same black and red decor, with modern art prints, but Carolyn didn’t focus on them. She jumped over the pile of suitcases with a whoop. Nick turned just in time to catch Carolyn and they tumbled onto the bed.
Carolyn’s fingers found their way under Nick’s jacket, then under her shirt. She teased the nipples she knew were under the gauze. Carolyn’s fingers were getting very skilled at finding them. Right…there.
Nick sighed as Carolyn continued her teasing. “You have a one-track mind.”
Alarmed, Carolyn looked up at Nick’s expression. “Shall I stop?” She realized that Nick looked very tired. They’d left directly from a matinee concert for the airport. The journey had really been no further than Los Angeles to Seattle, but Customs had been a trial. Her fingers captured the swelling tips. “They’re undecided, but I think they want me to go on.”
“I want you to go on, too, but I want a shower. Heathrow was an armpit.”
Carolyn smirked. “I think I’ll take a shower with you.”
“Lecher,” Nick said fondly. She went to a bare wall, pressed in on the fabric, and a door appeared out of the jacquard print.
Carolyn laughed. “I hope I can find that during the night.”
“It’s so French Renaissance, isn’t it? I think of Liaisons Dangereuses and The Three Musketeers every time I use it.”
Carolyn followed Nick into the more prosaically decorated bathroom. The shower was over an old-fashioned tub with massive claw feet and porcelain taps. “I love this tub. It could be rather fun for two.”
“Don’t bet on it,” Nick said. “When I want a bath I have to heat water. The hot water in this flat is sporadic at best. It pays to plan on showering quickly.”
Carolyn warbled “Mandy” as she showered, accompanied by Nick’s groans of protest. The hot water abruptly ceased, and Nick howled with laughter as Carolyn swore and stumbled out of the tub. Nick was wrapped in a man’s large robe that hung on the back of the door. She nudged a suitcase with her foot. “We’re going to have to find a place for you to hang your clothes. Your robe is in there somewhere.”
“Let’s share yours for now,” Carolyn suggested.
Nick turned around, a relaxed and happy smile on her face. She opened her robe and Carolyn snuggled inside it. “You may always share my robe.”
Afterwards, when Nick was breathing steadily and deeply, Carolyn stared at the dark ceiling. She wondered what Alison was doing. The fact that she wondered, with the taste of Nick still in her mouth, bothered her. It took a long time to fall asleep.
***
“I heard from Carolyn,” Alison said. She had received a postcard from London simply saying Carolyn was having fun and would be home soon. Carolyn wanted, it seemed, to go on as if nothing had changed. Sam turned over in bed, her body moving a little farther away. “She’s having fun in London.”
“I didn’t know she went on to London. What’s there?”
“Her new lover,” Alison said quietly.
“So that’s what went wrong,” Sam said. “I’ve been patiently waiting for you to tell me.”
“Sam, I’m sorry. I brought it up because that’s what I want to say to you. I’m sorry, so sorry.”
“After last night and last Tuesday, and after the game Saturday—you’re sorry? I’m not.”
“I’m using you. I feel like a total jerk.”
“I meant what I said about comfort.” Sam’s voice was gentle and sincere.
“But you’re hoping for more.” She looked over at Sam’s calm face. “I don’t think you should do that.”
Sam’s expression didn’t alter. “When it comes to controlling who we love and how we love them, you’re not exactly the best advisor, sweetie.” She smiled faintly.
Alison could only nod at the truth of Sam’s statement. “I’ve been thinking about what I’ll do when she comes back. I have to come out to her—I can’t let her go on thinking I reacted the way I did because I’m homophobic or something. And the only way to explain myself is to tell her I’ve been lusting after her for years. That’s the part I’m having trouble with.”
“And you still feel the same way?”
Alison slowly shook her head and Sam’s eyebrows raised slightly. “No, I don’t feel the same way at all. Now I love her.”
“You loved her before.”
“I loved a china doll in a shop window. I acted like a child because someone else touched it. I didn’t love Carolyn, I loved unrequited love, and all the excuses it gave me for not making permanent attachments to people. Including you. She…she was my straight-woman shield.”
Sam’s gaze dropped and fixed on a point somewhere near Alison’s earlobe. “I think I understand where you’re going with this, but truly, I’m not sure you know your own mind, not yet.”
“But I do, Sam. She scares me to death now that I know I could be with her if she wanted me. That postcard put my heart rate up to about two hundred. I was always in control before. I could have told her how I felt at any time, but I pretended it was her fault I couldn’t come out to her.” Alison laughed ironically. “I loved a Carolyn that didn’t exist. And now I see her as another lesbian, a full-grown adult—and I love this new woman. I never really loved the old Carolyn because I never trusted her. But now I do. Now I have to tell her how I feel. I have to accept her answer.”
Sam cleared her throat. “That part’s not particularly easy.” Alison put her hand on Sam’s shoulder, but Sam was rolling out of bed. “Want some breakfast?”
“I’m sorry, Sam.”
Sam looked back as she put on her robe. Alison had a feeling it was the last time she would see Sam’s dark body in all its gorgeous nakedness. “I’m sorry, too. But I’m a big girl. There are other f-i-s-h in the sea,” she said, her philosophical tone at odds with overly bright eyes and smile.
“And better fish, too.” While Sam was in the bathroom, Alison quickly dressed. She took up the question of breakfast with false cheer and appetite, and they got through muffins and coffee somehow. Sam was smiling when Alison finally left, without a kiss goodbye.
***
Carolyn bent over the score Nick was studying at the piano in the second bedroom. Four violins were carefully wrapped on shelves, along with a lute, a collection of harmonicas and a saxophone. Otherwise, the room was stuffed with sheet-music-laden shelves. Only the area around the piano was reasonably ordered. Carolyn brushed away the crumbs her crumpet had dropped on the keyswhen she bit into it. Toast done on one side…it was weird, but it was food. She liked the Seville orange marmalade that Nick smeared on her crumpets and scones, but the thought of an Egg McMuffm made her stomach rumble.
“So tell me about this little number you’re recording.” Carolyn smiled innocently at Nick’s narrowed gaze.
“This little number has over six hundred performers.”
“Like the USC Trojans Marching band, right?”
Carolyn didn’t get the expected rise out of Nick. Nick said, her eyes wide with consideration, “A marching band version of Mahler, now there’s a thought.”
Carolyn realized she was being teased and asked Nick to show her how an orchestral score was read. She’d had a few years of piano lessons and knew which way was up, but these sheets were a bewildering mass of staves and notes.
Nick traced notes on the score with one hand, while her other chose chords or rippled out melody lines to illustrate her point. She sang the melody line in a steady contralto while her hands demonstrated percussion and string work on the piano. “So while the violins are playing this melody and holding this note, the kettle drums come in softly and it lingers while the oboe comes in, then the choir…slowly, like this.” She played the page over again, vocalizing the effects of the kettle drum and oboe. “So you have boom wait wait wait hand hand and wait.” Her finger punched the page at the corresponding bunch of notes. Carolyn was speechless with laughter by the time Nick finished the next page. Nick looked at her in mock disdain. “There’s nothing funny about it. This is my craft.”
“Do you make such funny noises in front of the musicians?”
“I only make funny noises for you,” Nick said. Her smile softened and Carolyn saw her swallow.
“Nick,” Carolyn said, putting her crumpet down, “you’re never going to get any work done if you keep looking at me like that.”
“Like what?” Nick didn’t protest as Carolyn pulled Nick’s sweatshirt up.
“It’s the look you get when you want me to…you know,” Carolyn said, her face burning. “And when you look like that I immediately want to.” She spun the piano stool around, bracing Nick against the piano. Her hands slipped down Nick’s sweatpants and then she pressed Nick back against the piano rack where the Mahler score was spread.
“We’re wrinkling the music,” Nick murmured.
“Mahler’s dead. He won’t care.” They slid to the floor together amidst a shower of music sheets.
Later, Carolyn helped Nick smooth out the crumpled paper. Just to ensure the sanctity of the score, Carolyn decided it would be best if she continued her scheduled tour of the British Museum and left Nick to study in peace for the day.
She was unfocused as she meandered from exhibit to exhibit and from building to building. She found herself in a special exhibit of goddess figurines which included a lifesize simulation of how the agrarian goddess-worshippers might have built their homes. The exhibit was sparsely attended and Carolyn thought she was alone until she stepped into the room marked SHRINE. She surprised two women who were fervently embracing.
The women sprang apart, looking everywhere but at Carolyn. Carolyn cleared her throat and said, “So sorry. Uh, I think I’m the only one in here and I’m leaving.” Even as she backed out of the room the two women were moving together again.
Carolyn’s pulse was racing. It seemed now that all of the other people attending the exhibit were women. Had she by accident wandered into a lesbian equivalent of a gym or bar? Was this how lesbians met? She looked around again, surreptitiously examining the other women. She was appalled at her incredibly explicit sexual fantasies as she looked at each body, but she couldn’t help herself—it felt too natural. The whole experience somehow made her stronger inside.
When she left the exhibit area she noticed a tall, raven-haired woman walking toward her. There was only a superficial resemblance to Alison, but it was too late—her heart had leapt, she was already smiling in welcome. The elegant woman looked at Carolyn with a frown of disapproval, drawing her coat around her as if to say, “How dare you think I’m one of you.”
Carolyn colored furiously and hurried away. The woman’s response bothered her, but her own reactions when she had thought of Alison disturbed her more. It was obvious she had feelings for Alison that she had never examined closely enough. It was also obvious that her feelings for Nick had not supplanted these hidden longings for Alison. She had wanted to come to London with Nick, but if she was going to be frank with herself, she hadn’t wanted it nearly as much as she had wanted to put off going home.
Carolyn wandered back to Nick’s flat, taking enough time to allow an afternoon appointment—a student sent to Nick by another conductor for appraisal—to come and go. Nick was ready to relax when Carolyn climbed the stairs.
“So was the violinist the new Perlman?”
“Not hardly,” Nick said. “I was brutal.”
“Oh dear,” Carolyn said. “I could never do it. I’d feel so sorry for them.”
“Don’t feel sorry for the boy wonder,” Nick said. “I was brutal, but I had to be. If I raved I’d be irresponsible. Hard work makes the difference, not my opinion. He wouldn’t give it up if I told him to, but if I encouraged too much he might stop working. He’ll need all the hard work he can muster.” Nick smiled. “I certainly couldn’t have told him he plays the violin better than I do.”
Carolyn laughed and ruffled Nick’s hair. She liked it with a little curl, and she admitted to herself she was starting to feel uncomfortable about the deception the slicked-back style symbolized.
They had a quiet dinner out and then went to a jazz club Nick liked. When Carolyn stumbled sleepily into bed she heard a rustling sound in the bed.
“What on earth?”
Nick’s voice laughed softly in the darkness. “After the effect the Mahler score had on you, I thought I’d try Bach. I hope you like the fugues.”
Carolyn loved fugues. They traded point and counterpoint well into the night.
***
“Come on, doll, I’m going to be late,” Nick called.
Carolyn emerged from the bedroom, her face flushed as she rushed to get her coat and step into shoes. “And whose fault is it? I already dressed once this morning!”
“Women,” Nick said. She was pleased with the morning’s extracurricular activities. “It takes so long for you to get yourselves together.”
Carolyn favored Nick with a slitted, intense glance that hid the robin’s-egg blue Nick was so fond of. “Ha ha,” she snapped.
“Sorry, love.” Nick opened the door while Carolyn gathered a small satchel containing a book, notebook and sightseeing guide. She wondered what had made Carolyn so touchy lately.
They took a cab to Covent Garden and Nick forgot about Carolyn’s flash of ill-humor as she transformed into a hyper-tourist, demanding that Nick name every landmark and point out anybody at all who was remotely famous.
“Okay, okay, just don’t embarrass me by gawking,” Nick said, laughing.
Carolyn took mock-offense, saying, “I never gawk. I may stare, but I never gawk. Nor, I might add, am I ever agog.” Nick pointed out a famous coloratura who was headed away from them toward the smaller rehearsal studios. “I love her voice,” Carolyn said, sighing. “Okay, I’m agog.”
“Gee, I never made you agog.”
“No, but you made me just about everything else.”
Grinning, Nick pulled Carolyn along to the large hall, the only one that could possibly accommodate the performers for the Symphony of a Thousand. Thousand was an overstatement, but six hundred and fifty performers were not easily staged. “See, it’s a fairly boring concert hall. You’ll get tired of it in three minutes.”
“So I see. And you can hardly wait to get to work. I can take a hint. Well, I guess I’m going to go poking and prodding into more famous places, darling. Musty palaces today.” Carolyn held up her mouth for a kiss then waved as she headed back on the aisle.
Nick watched her walk away. She could not believe her good fortune. In the hall, a rapidly growing knot of people gathered at the foot of the stage. Her life was too…too good. But she was realistic enough to expect the other shoe to drop. Still, as long as she had Carolyn, she could survive anything.
***
Carolyn arrived back at the flat tired but pleased. From a fine art poster shop she had purchased prints she thought would match the color scheme she and Sam had discussed. The color was almost irrelevant—both prints were of Mary Cassatt’s most modern works and Carolyn had always liked them the best.
She stopped short in surprise as she realized she was not alone—Oscar was perched in one of the chairs as if waiting for someone.
“I hope I did not startle you,” he said. “I called out, but I doubt you could have heard me over the rustling of your parcels.”
“And the sound of my own pounding heart,” Carolyn added as she went into the bedroom to drop her bags. “Two flights of stairs—in Sacramento, that’s two good reasons to put in an elevator.” She cast herself down on the divan. “Pure laziness, that’s why so many of us Americans are pudgy.”
“Pudgy? An interesting colloquialism,” Oscar said.
After a few moment’s silence, Carolyn sat up and said, “Why do I think you have something unpleasant to discuss?” Oscar usually looked completely at ease, but at the moment he was tapping one finger on the arm of the chair—for him, he was positively fidgeting.
“My dear, I will admit right out that in my life I have liked very few women. I worked with many talented women, and I have admired and supported many more. But I rarely liked them. I’m not absolutely sure I would say I liked Nicolas.”
Carolyn noted that even when they were alone, Oscar referred to Nick by her full masculine name. “Meaning what?”
“That I must simply say I like you. You are an unassuming, refreshingly intelligent woman. Therefore, what I must also say is difficult.”
Carolyn was not very good at confrontation…but she had new strength, and she thought she knew what Oscar was leading up to. It was nothing she hadn’t been stewing over herself for the last day or two. “You want to know if I’m serious and if I’ve thought through all the consequences of being Nick’s girlfriend.”
Oscar smiled slightly. “As I said, intelligent. I have nurtured Nick through the years and don’t wish to see them wasted. She is on the very edge, the brink of all her dreams, and mine.”
“And how does my being in her life change that?”
“It’s not you, my dear. It’s a successful relationship. The edge of Nick’s drive is her will to overcome.”
“So she must be unhappy and alone to be successful?”
“No,” Oscar said gravely. “But I believe she is convinced she is invincible now. She believes she can flaunt you under the noses of people she will later need, and they won’t mind. She has really only told one lie, until a few weeks ago.”
Carolyn sighed. “I know that right now I’m enjoying a tiny window in her life that isn’t quite as much of an uproar as the rest. I also know that I don’t have what it takes to wait with her. I’m only now realizing how much she wants it all—fame and success and then acknowledgment as a woman. Nothing but all of those things will satisfy her.” And it had been easy, she wanted to say, easy to not look forward.
“And it frightens you?”
“Not so much frightens as intimidates. I’m not the one to help her achieve those things—I know I’m a distraction. But I also know that for now I’m making her happy and vice versa.” For now. But if she looked forward…well, she’d written enough books to know an ending when she saw one.
“I don’t believe that Nicolas feels this is temporary.”
“I know,” Carolyn said. Nick had begun referring to the flat as “our” flat and making other comments that added up to permanence. Carolyn had been trying to find a way to head her off. “I’m not going to lead her on, if that’s what you wanted to know.”
“I didn’t think you would, my dear, not consciously.”
Carolyn looked up as Oscar stood. She said, “I suppose I should be angry that you’re interfering in something not your concern.”
“I know that Nicolas would tell me to mind my own business in not so polite terms.”
“Since you like me, I suppose you’ll have to trust me.” She followed him to the stairs. “I want Nick to have her dreams—if she had to choose between me and her dreams, well, I don’t flatter myself that she’d even hesitate.”
“I left off one reason why I like you.” Oscar turned from the top of the stair, and put one finger under Carolyn’s chin. “You are sensible.”
Carolyn frowned. “Hardly a romantic trait.”
“But a valuable one. I can see myself out. I’m hoping to catch Nick before the end of rehearsal.”
Carolyn watched after him until she heard the click of the door at the bottom of the stairs. She thought about what he had said—it didn’t make her feel anything but sad. She didn’t want this time with Nick to end. And even as that thought crossed her mind, she knew it was already ending. She suddenly wanted to cry, but Nick would notice and Carolyn was just not ready to tell Nick why.
To distract herself, Carolyn looked through the books she purchased from a women’s bookstore near Picadilly Circus. In the back had been a section labeled “Womyn/Womyn.” Her recollection of Publisher’s Weekly reviews had helped her pick out a couple of titles, and the clerk had recommended several more she probably wouldn’t be able to find in the States.
She’d never paid more than peripheral attention to the reviews on books from women’s presses—she had a lot of time to make up for. There was probably a bookstore near home where she could continue to stock up and learn about the history of her newfound sexuality. Home. Even without Alison, and maybe because of Alison, she had to go back.
“You’re a beautiful sight. Missed you,” Nick said, after she bounded up the stairs an hour later. She kissed Carolyn lightly, then headed for the bedroom, ruffling her slicked-down hair into curls. “I’m going to take a quick shower. Think about what you want to do tonight.”
Carolyn listened to the water running and thought about what she wanted to do. She wanted to go to a lesbian place. It didn’t matter what kind of place, as long as it was lesbians only. She knew they couldn’t with Nick dressed as a man…she’d be recognized by someone. She’d seen three women in masculine clothes at the bookstore, but their attire was a declaration. To Carolyn they had seemed the antithesis of Nick. Nick didn’t use the masculine part of her nature to express herself as a woman and lesbian, she buried her womanhood in it, waiting. It would erupt someday, but until then—Carolyn was beginning to wonder why Nick wasn’t crazy from the strain of playing such a thorough charade.
“The concert and choirmasters are top-drawer.” Nick threw her robed body down on the sofa as she toweled her hair. “This is going to be a good recording.”
“Don’t discount the contribution of the top-drawer conductor,” Carolyn said.
“You’re good for my ego,” Nick said. She fell over, head finding a pillow. “Wake me in thirty minutes,” she said sleepily.
Carolyn smiled fondly. Soft legs and the curve of one breast were not quite covered by the large terry cloth robe. She returned to her book, aware that today could be a pattern for a lifetime—not that Nick’s life would ever be totally patterned. And the more famous she became, the less privacy they would have and the more constricted their lifestyle would be. How could she have books with “lesbian” in the title around the house? How could she be a lesbian anywhere except in bed? Why didn’t that seem like enough? Nick would thrive on all of it, while Carolyn knew it was the last kind of existence she wanted.
And she knew that explaining her feelings to Nick would be hard on both of them. She had to find the right opportunity and the right words. She waited the appointed thirty minutes, then woke Nick with a kiss that left no doubt as to what Carolyn wanted to do with the evening. Leaving would be easier if only her body didn’t respond so eagerly to Nick’s touch.