I have been lying in bed thinking about Bevan and that kiss and our chats and what it all might mean, because it wasn’t really sexual but it was like we had a real connection, you know, and I’ve never been really comfortable getting physically close to people but this time with Bevan it was different and I felt like I wanted more, and the one thing that Geoff always used to say was that he wished I could relax, I always had my mind going a million miles an hour when he was touching me, and it seems that some things never change but the thing is, I’ve never really talked about it to anyone, but I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm, not like they do in the movies, sometimes it feels a bit tingly, but Geoff always used to bully me, Did you come? Did you come?, like I was some kind of performing monkey, and I’d always say, I think so, never quite sure, and he would lean over me with a strange expression between concern and contempt.
Last week I saw that older actress from Sex and the City and I only watched the show a few times, it’s too American and they talk about themselves all the time, but she was quite good on Dr Phil and she said that the character she plays is so different from who she really is, that she is actually quite shy about sex, and that when she got to 40 she didn’t really know her own body, and I’d never really thought about it in that way but it does seem strange to reach this age and be a stranger to yourself, and she said you can never really please someone else in bed unless you know how to please yourself, and so she embarked on a tour of discovery and she recommended getting a vibrator to help, and when I finished watching the show I felt really inspired by her story, I felt really nervous too, but it made me think it was time to start taking a few risks and so I looked online with some trepidation because I had no idea there would be so many shapes and sizes and I picked one called the Pocket Rocket because it didn’t look so, I mean, some are black and huge and threatening, and it was meant to come with a full instruction leaflet, and then I spent a week terrified that someone at Springwood post office would open it but when the parcel arrived they’d sent me the wrong one because it was called the Purple People Eater and it didn’t fit in your pocket or feel smooth and warm like I had hoped, but I didn’t want to risk returning it and of course it came without batteries and once I finally got it going it made the biggest racket that made me worried that Layla would hear, so I went to the supermarket and bought an electric toothbrush and I’ve left it sitting in an obvious spot so that if she asks, I’ll say, Just brushing my teeth.