The sound bite sounds like an infatuation of our own media-saturated age, but it is no stranger to the Ashes. You could have no more succinct a mission statement than Fred Spofforth’s at The Oval in 1882 when Australia set out to defend 85 in the fourth innings. He said, ‘This thing can de done.’ Mind you, its survival owes something to the fact that the thing could be done after all.
Some remarks are justly famous. Fifty years after Spofforth threw down the gauntlet to his team-mates, Bill Woodfull threw down the gauntlet at his Bodyline opponents when he said, ‘There are two teams out there. One is trying to play cricket.’ Others are forgotten or lost, a victim of our permanent present, and they are the emphasis of these aphorisms, gripes, tributes, sneers, patriotic assertions and eternal verities vouchsafed by players, pundits, fans and friends in the heat and afterglow of Ashes cricket.
‘All his life he was facing the next ball.’ A.A. Thomson of W.G. Grace.
‘Victor Trumper had the greatest charm and two strokes for every ball.’ C.B. Fry.
‘Please, Wilfred, give me some peace.’ Trumper to Wilfred Rhodes.
‘Yon booy could feald a cannon baal.’ A Yorkshireman admiring the cover fielding of Syd Gregory.
‘There is no-one like Clem to let you see when you are bowling rubbish.’ Hugh Trumble of Clem Hill.
‘Some batsmen use their bats like a shovel. This man uses it like a pen.’ Australian Alick Bannerman on Englishman Kenneth Hutchings.
‘Stay as long as you are making runs.’ Brisbane auction firm to employee Roger Hartigan while he was making a Test century on debut in Adelaide in 1908.
‘The most graceful of the efficient and the most efficient of the graceful.’ Ian Peebles on Frank Woolley.
‘A snick by Jack Hobbs is a sort of disturbance of cosmic orderliness.’ Neville Cardus.
‘The sound of his bat somehow puts me in mind of vintage port.’ A.A. Milne on Jack Hobbs.
‘Is Richardson human?’ Headline to a Sydney Morning Herald leader in December 1928 after a virtuoso display of cover fielding by Vic Richardson.
‘This kid’ll get a hundred.’ Maurice Tate, after Archie Jackson had glanced his first ball in Test cricket for 4; he made 164.
‘Well fielded, cock.’ Farmer White’s ritual encourgement.
‘Maurice Tate did not merely play cricket; he lived in it.’ John Arlott.
‘Such a giant of the game seemed always to dwarf the rest of the team, and the moment he faced up to bowling that had held difficulties for other batsmen that bowling appeared to lose its venom.’ Len Hutton on Wally Hammond.
‘My feet feel tired when I think of him.’ Joe Hardstaff on Donald Bradman.
‘Bradman probably sits up in the middle of the night and roars with laughter at such feeble attempts to get him out.’ Arthur Mailey.
‘They were two beautiful balls – good enough to have beaten me if I’d been a hundred.’ Don Bradman on his last two balls in Test cricket, from Eric Hollies.
‘I want England to win – but directly I saw Harvey’s masterly yet carefree batting I wanted him to get his hundred.’ Jack Hobbs on Neil Harvey.
‘I am never quite sure what he is going to do next and I don’t think he knows himself until he is about to do it.’ Len Hutton on Keith Miller.
‘He seemed to attack from all directions.’ Don Bradman on Bill O’Reilly.
‘It was a battered old piece of willow but in Denis’s hands it was like a Stradivarius in the hands of Yehudi Menuhin.’ Colin Cowdrey on Denis Compton.
‘You only have to see him play one shot to see his class.’ Keith Miller on Peter May.
‘I’ve never felt so glad in my life as when I saw who was coming in.’ Peter May recalling the sight of Cyril Washbrook coming in to bat with England 3–17 at Headingley, 1956.
‘He doesn’t need to.’ Ron Archer, asked if Frank Tyson swung the ball.
‘When I watch Ken Barrington at the crease – and I have had the opportunity for many, many, many hours! – my thoughts are that I only wish I could have been as good a cricketer.’ Bill Lawry.
‘You must have an awful job to keep pace with these fellows, Patsy. The speed of it would be too much for me.’ Robert Menzies to scorer Patsy Hendren after twenty scoreless minutes at Lord’s in 1956.
‘In public relations to benefit the game, Benaud was so far ahead of predecessors that race-glasses would have been needed to see who was at the head of the others.’ Ray Robinson on Richie Benaud.
‘Keep it up, youse blokes – you’re doin’ real suave.’ Dennis Lillee to Bill Lawry and Keith Stackpole at an intermission in a partnership, Adelaide 1971.
‘He’s got a degree in people, hasn’t he?’ Rodney Hogg on Mike Brearley.
‘Hope you don’t drop this.’ Card accompanying a bottle of champagne sent by Alan Knott when Rod Marsh broke his world wicketkeeping record at Headingley, 1981.
‘Ian Botham would make a great Aussie.’ Jeff Thomson.
‘Of course Shane Warne doesn’t sleep with sheep. He could sleep with whoever he likes.’ Paul Burnham of the Barmy Army defending songs involving Shane Warne’s exploits with sheep.
‘Merv Hughes.’ Steve Waugh, asked his favourite animal.
‘My God! Look what they’ve sent me!’ Captain Archie MacLaren on England’s team for the 1902 Old Trafford Test.
‘It is disillusioning to one of my youthful loyalties to realise that the majestic MacLaren was an extremely stupid, prejudiced and pig-headed man.’ George Lyttelton on Archie MacLaren.
‘You know, Fender, there is no man in England whose bowling I would rather bat against than yours; and there is no batsman in England I would rather bowl against either.’ Johnny Douglas bolsters the confidence of team-mate Percy Fender en route to Australia.
‘From Douglas’s captaincy no idea ever emerged.’ C.B. Fry’s assessment.
‘Johnny [Douglas] used to bowl them in then chuck the ball to me to bowl them out.’ Cec Parkin.
‘That fellow Parkin is very sure of himself, I must say.’ Lord Hawke.
‘Compared to Verity his bowling was like a glass of fizz with a cup of cat’s piss.’ Leonard Crawley comparing Wilfred Rhodes to Hedley Verity.
‘The only question that remained in one’s mind about his fielding was the continual doubt as to which end he was throwing at.’ Jim Laker on his young team-mate Ted Dexter in Australia, 1958–59.
‘The only fellow I’ve met who fell in love with himself at a young age and has remained faithful ever since.’ Dennis Lillee on Geoff Boycott.
‘There’s only one head bigger than Greig’s – and that’s Birkenhead.’ Fred Trueman.
‘If this letter reaches you the Post Office thinks more of you than I do.’ The contents of an envelope addressed to ‘Mike Denness, Cricketer’ in 1974–75.
‘Don’t tell me we have to put up with him for another minute.’ Doug Walters when Mike Denness came in to bat at Sydney, 1975.
‘You make Denness look like Don Bradman.’ Melbourne barracker to Mike Brearley.
‘The most overrated player I’ve seen.’ Harold Larwood on Ian Botham.
‘England have only three major problems. They can’t bat, they can’t bowl and they can’t field.’ Martin Johnson of The Independent just before the Brisbane Test of 1986, which England won.
‘The other advantage England has got when Phil Tufnell is bowling is that he isn’t fielding.’ Ian Chappell during the Fifth Test, Perth 1991.
‘Do that again and you’re on the next plane home, son.’ Allan Border to Craig McDermott at Taunton, 1993.
‘The mincing run-up resembles someone in high heels and a panty girdle chasing after a bus.’ Writer Martin Johnson on Merv Hughes.
‘If I ever bowl a maiden over, it’s not my fault.’ Arthur Mailey.
‘I wish I was as accurate as they think.’ Tim Wall after receiving letters of complaint from English fans for breaking Herbert Sutcliffe’s thumb during the Ashes of 1930.
‘I’m only setting these records up for Hutton to break them.’ Sutcliffe looks forward to the rise of his protégé, Len Hutton.
‘One does not go seeking records. They just happen.’ Donald Bradman.
‘There’s runs to be had out there – if only a man had legs.’ Bradman after being dismissed for 234 in the Sydney Test of 1947.
‘Well, at last I’m in the record book with the little chap.’ Sid Barnes, dismissed for the same score in the same Test.
‘When you get old three things happen. You can’t remember other people’s names . . . and I can’t remember the other two.’ Ernie McCormick.
‘Yes, your majesty, and unless my batting improves it will be my last.’ Ian Craig, when the Queen commented that the Ashes tour of 1953 was his first.
‘I’m glad I wasn’t up here when I was down there.’ Lindsay Hassett the commentator recalls Lindsay Hassett the batsman.
‘Well, I haven’t brought a Harlequin cap.’ Peter May when asked by an Australian pressman if he was the toughest England captain since Jardine.
‘I didn’t do it, Trevor – it must have hit something.’ Ray Lindwall after bowling Trevor Bailey for a pair with what appeared to be an unplayable leg-cutter.
‘I think a little roast duckling would be appropriate.’ Bailey placing his restaurant order.
‘No good hitting me there, mate! Nothing to damage!’ Derek Randall after taking one on the head from Dennis Lillee in the Centenary Test, 1977.
‘I was forced to play too many shots.’ Chris Tavaré, explaining how he’d lost a game of snooker to a team-mate.
‘I am a born pessimist.’ Bob Willis.
‘I am 32. I reckon I could play for England until I am at least 33!’ David Gower in 1989.
‘I dunno, mate. I’ve buggered up five hundreds myself, you know. Why don’t you try to do it with a six?’ Steve Waugh responding to Ian Healy’s request for advice about batting in the nineties, Trent Bridge 1993.
‘I still have the butterflies but now they are flying in formation.’ Mark Taylor after ending a run of poor form with a century at Edgbaston, 1997.
‘Mike said that he’d read Wilbur Smith when he was eight. That’s why he went to Cambridge and I didn’t.’ Graeme Hick compares himself to his captain Mike Atherton.
‘The damned sweat got me out. One of these days I’ll make a thousand.’ Jack Lyons after being dismissed for 134 at Sydney in 1892.
‘I will cheat fair.’ Sydney-born, Somerset-bred Sammy Woods volunteering to umpire a game between Australia and Somerset.
‘Ah luv a dog fight.’ Herbert Sutcliffe.
‘Umpire, you’ve created a record in no-balling me – and you needn’t be worried any other umpire will ever equal it.’ Clarrie Grimmett, appalled to be called for overstepping.
‘Come on, youse! Straight up the centre – no short passes – boots and all!’ The football-inspired battle cry of Bill Woodfull’s 1930 Australians.
‘Somebody’s got to have a crack at this fella.’ Vic Richardson before going out to face Larwood for the first time.
‘It may be for years or it may be forever.’ Stan McCabe about to do the same.
‘He’d hit it clean over the bakery I expect.’ Ernie Toshack asked by a Surrey member how Bradman would respond to being bowled a bread roll.
‘I have a go at ’em anyway.’ Neil Harvey when Len Hutton told him he played and missed too often.
‘Yes, if you don’t mind him being killed.’ Peter May asked by Ian Johnson if it would be all right if a close-in fielder came even closer.
‘There is no sitting duck like a scared duck.’ Ray Lindwall.
‘To bowl quick is to revel in the glad animal action; to thrill in physical prowess and to enjoy a certain sneaking feeling of superiority over the other mortals who play the game. No batsman likes quick bowling and this knowledge gives one a sense of omnipotence.’ Frank Tyson.
‘At the crease my attitude to three bouncers has been that, if I’m playing well enough, three bouncers an over should be worth twelve runs to me.’ Ian Chappell.
‘Didn’t you go to the team meeting? They would have told you you can’t bowl on middle-and-leg to me.’ Dean Jones to Gus Fraser, after hitting him through mid-wicket for 4 at Trent Bridge in 1989.
‘I think you’re a great bloke, Phil, and you’re really bowling well.’ Greg Matthews to Phil Tufnell in Perth in 1991.
‘Three days and a result is better than five days of boring stuff.’ Steve Waugh unconcerned to be winning Tests in three days.
‘It’s like in Dumb and Dumber when the girl says, “You’ve got a one in a million chance of sleeping with me” and Jim Carrey says, “So you’re saying I’ve got a chance,” I live by that.’ Michael Slater weighs up his chances of an international recall.
‘I wouldn’t nick it.’ Adam Gilchrist asked if he would walk if he nicked a ball with Australia needing two runs to win the Ashes with one wicket in hand.
‘Nobody is so soon forgotten as a successful cricketer.’ Ranjitsinhji
‘It takes a long time to be recognised in big cricket and just as long to be dropped from it.’ J.A. Dixon of Nottinghamshire.
‘Who are the MCC and what are they doing in Australia?’ Winchester headmaster Montague Rendall when England’s Rockley Wilson sought leave to tour Australia in 1920–21.
‘Frank, they’ll get a thousand.’ Stan McCabe to umpire Frank Chester after bowling the first over in the Oval Test of 1938: England made 7–903.
‘Where’s the groundsman’s hut? If I had a gun with me, I’d shoot him.’ Bill O’Reilly in conversation with the same umpire in the same Test.
‘You woke up in the night time and your arm was still going round.’ Chuck Fleetwood-Smith’s recollection.
‘It is amazing how the public steadfastly refuse to attend the third day of a match when so often the last day produces the best and most exciting cricket.’ Frank Woolley.
‘There goes the old man’s axe through the radio.’ Sam Loxton after being dismissed at Headingley in 1948 essaying a huge swipe on 93.
‘The bowlers seem a little different. Not quite as quick as the new ball bowlers a few years ago.’ Len Hutton asked about changes to the game since his retirement.
‘Sorry about that, but you’ve a day’s rest tomorrow.’ Brian Statham talking to his feet after a thirty-over spell.
‘It’s like standing in the middle of a darts match.’ Jim Laker to Neil Harvey while batting against Ian Meckiff and Gordon Rorke in 1958–59.
‘I’m the last of the straight-arm bowlers.’ Ray Lindwall when he was recalled during that 1958–59 series.
‘Dear Mum, today I received a half volley. In the nets.’ David Lloyd writing home from MCC’s 1974–75 tour of Australia.
‘I don’t really like being the New Dennis Lillee. There’s no substitute for bowling fast and being able to make the good players jump.’ Dennis Lillee.
‘The older I get the better cricketer I seem to become.’ Jim Laker.
‘They said to me at The Oval, come and see our new bowling machine. Bowling machine? I said. I used to be the bowling machine.’ Alec Bedser.
‘Sometimes it takes him a fortnight to put on his socks.’ England’s coach Mickey Stewart on the very mellow Devon Malcolm.
‘The way I play my cricket is intense – that’s the way people think you are off the field, but I think if you asked any of my mates what I’m like it’d be a lot different to what you see out there.’ Steve Waugh feeling misjudged.
‘Concentration is sometimes mistaken for grumpiness.’ Michael Atherton.
‘Do you wake up in the middle of the night thinking you might have dropped the Ashes? I have got Herschelle Gibbs’ phone number here if you want some counselling.’ Phil Tufnell baits Shane Warne for dropping Kevin Pietersen in the 2005 Ashes decider.
‘I don’t owe Shane anything. I have dropped six catches and nobody bought me a beer.’ Kevin Pietersen asked if he had bought Warne a beer in gratitude.
‘International cricket matches are not only cricket matches. They tend to excite as well as to promote a kindly feeling between nations which take part in them.’ Bishop Welldon.
‘We all admired and liked the Australians of those days. But, by Jove, we did like beating them!’ C.B. Fry.
‘Good heavens, they’ve asked me to captain England.’ Hon. Lionel Tennyson receiving the telegram at his London club, 1921.
‘Next to representing England in a Test match at home, it is the highest ambition of every cricketer to be selected to go on tour to Australia.’ Lord Hawke.
‘Dammit, we’ve done ’em!’ George Geary after hitting the winning runs in the 1928–29 Ashes series.
‘By, and it were gawin’.’ Eddie Paynter on the 6 with which he won the Ashes in 1933.
‘It’s the Ashes! It’s the Ashes!’ Commentator Brian Johnston as Denis Compton swept the winning runs in the Oval Test of 1953.
‘The aim of English Test cricket is, in fact, mainly to beat Australia.’ Jim Laker.
‘I have on occasions taken a quite unreasonable dislike to the Australians.’ Ted Dexter.
‘One is always a little nervous watching England bat.’ Peter May.
Journalist: ‘Do you feel that the selectors and yourself have been vindicated by the result?’
Mike Gatting: ‘I don’t think the press are vindictive. They can write what they want.’ Gatting after winning the 1986–87 Ashes.
‘You play your first for love and the rest for money.’ Senior England player to Mike Atherton during the 1989 Ashes.
‘We’re a soft touch in this country.’ Brian Close.
‘Our cricket is too gentle – all of it.’ Alec Stewart.
‘Unconsciously, and perhaps without any suspicion on their part that such is the case, the Australians have seriously aggravated the symptoms of a commercial spirit in cricket.’ Lillywhite’s Cricketers’ Annual 1883.
‘The Australian climate is a great aid to bowling and fielding. Its warmth and mildness prevent the rheumatic affections that so often attack the arms and shoulders of our players, and the Australians consequently retain their suppleness of limb and activity of youth longer than their English cousins.’ A.G. Steel.
‘Watch an Australian bowler: he is always doing something to the ball with his fingers, and never bowls a ball down unless he has some object in view.’ A.O. Jones.
‘We are going to see certain things in the Australian game which are not to their detriment but which are not in our game. We are up against a lot of things which we don’t do but which other people do.’ Percy Fender.
‘The Australian plays cricket to win: he has usually left it to Mr Warner to make Empire-binding speeches.’ Neville Cardus.
‘Australians will always fight for those 22 yards. Lord’s and its tradition belong to Australia just as much as to England.’ Prime Minister John Curtin in 1945.
‘Australians will not tolerate class distinctions in sport.’ Jack Fingleton.
‘To play first-class cricket is a goal, and to reach the Australian XI is probably a higher honour than to go to England in the strict practical sense. But for many reasons it is a tour of England upon which most youngsters set their hearts.’ Don Bradman.
‘I admire the Australians’ approach to the game; they have the utmost ability for producing that little extra, or instilling into the opposition an inferiority complex that can have, and has had, a crushing effect. Australians have no inhibitions.’ Len Hutton.
‘Equally, the Australians throughout cricket history have been quick to strike back even from a position of apparently imminent defeat.’ John Arlott.
‘It is said that the hardest-headed Australian has a quasi-religious respect for Lord’s and feels an extra urge to succeed there.’ John Arlott.
‘When appealing the Australians make a statement; we ask a question.’ Vic Marks.
‘They are all pricks.’ Allan Border asked at Hove in 1993 why he was not talking to English reporters.
‘Keep your left shoulder up and say your prayers.’ A.N. Hornby to his protégé Archie MacLaren.
‘You must persuade that Bosanquet of yours to practise, practise, practise those funny “googlies” of his till he is automatically certain of his length. That leg-break of his which breaks from the off might win a Test match.’ C.B. Fry to Pelham Warner before MCC’s 1903–04 tour of Australia.
‘When I play back and miss the ball I like to see it hit Wilson.’ Rockley Wilson, England vice-captain of 1920–21, a staunch advocate of getting behind the line.
‘I want no more of that fourth-form behaviour.’ Douglas Jardine to his exuberant colleague Walter Robins.
‘Listen carefully, Tiger. I want you, above all, not to get hit.’ Bill Woodfull to Bill O’Reilly before he went out to bat in the Bodyline series.
‘A happy frame of mind is half the battle.’ Denis Compton.
‘In a Test season, centuries do the talking.’ Bill O’Reilly to Arthur Morris, who’d just surrendered his wicket carelessly for 68.
‘Why don’t you read your own book?’ Spectator to Clarrie Grimmett, author of Tricking the Batsmen, on a rare day he was collared.
‘Hit the ball along the ground.’ Don Bradman’s advice to Neil Harvey in 1948 when the young man complained about being caught too often.
‘Remember, laad, one day we’ll have a fasst bowler, and ah hope that day is nae too far off.’ Len Hutton after a series of bouncers from Ray Lindwall.
‘I’d send home for another bowler.’ Len Hutton to Denis Compton who had asked him for advice in 1950.
‘Now now, children! No naughty words!’ Keith Miller when rival captains Len Hutton and Ian Johnson became locked in an argument about bowlers’ footmarks in 1954–55.
‘Ian, you’ll have to curb your swearing if you’re going to captain Australia.’ Bob Parish, manager of the 1968 Australians, to Ian Chappell.
‘Hey Lawry! Give Gleeson a bowl – his grandmother lives in Geelong!’ Brisbane barracker to Bill Lawry when he had Victorians Alan Connolly and Bob Cowper bowling at opposite ends in a Test.
‘I don’t really sledge batsmen. If I beat his outside edge and say, “You’re a shit batsman” and then the next ball he hits me for six, who’s the prat?’ Phil Tufnell.
‘My diet is still pizza, chips, toasted cheese sandwiches and milkshakes. I have the occasional six-week burst where I stick to fruit and cereal: it bloody kills me.’ Shane Warne on his secrets of success.
‘Shane Warne’s idea of a balanced diet is a cheeseburger in each hand.’ Ian Healy.
‘I never saw a fitter, stronger or healthier cricketer become a worse cricketer.’ Graham Gooch.
‘Find out where the ball is, go there, hit it.’ Ranjitsinhji’s three principles of batsmanship.
‘If the batsman thinks it’s spinnin’, it’s spinnin’.’ Wilfred Rhodes.
‘Cricket would be a better game if the papers didn’t publish the averages.’ Jack Hobbs.
‘Unless you get to the top where the plums are, it is a bare living, and when your cricket days are over you have to find a new career.’ Jack Hobbs counsels against a professional cricket career.
‘Remember, the bowler can only deliver one ball at a time.’ Herbert Sutcliffe.
‘The mentality of the medium-pace bowler as a general rule does not rate up to that of the more subtle type of bowler. With very few exceptions the great spin bowlers of cricket were personalities and men of character – not always pleasant but invariably interesting.’ Arthur Mailey.
‘It is wise not to be too rude about autobiographies; you never know who has written them!’ Neville Cardus.
‘An ounce of luck is worth a ton of skill, son.’ Alan Kippax.
‘When you see a cricket coach, run off as fast as you can.’ Bill O’Reilly.
‘Test cricket is not a light-hearted business, especially that between England and Australia.’ Donald Bradman.
‘To me the best preparation for batting, bowling and fielding was batting, bowling and fielding.’ Peter May.
‘I can’t think of any player who has been put off his game by verbal abuse.’ Mark Taylor.
‘This is like dying and going to heaven.’ Boris Karloff looking down from the balcony at Lord’s.