She’s Addie and I’m Toby

Toby

ON SATURDAY MORNING, Toby was standing beside his fridge downing a bottle of water when it happened.

He’d gotten his run in and sweated out the beer and whisky he’d consumed at the local bar, On the Way Home (known as Home to townies) the night before.

And he knew he should be happy he at least got to drink a little of the bitter of that fight with Addie out of his mouth and then sweat it out the next morning before it happened.

He was actually surprised he didn’t get a visit at his barstool at Home last night.

Seeing his screen on his phone, which was sitting on the island counter, light up and what it said when it did, he really didn’t want to take the call.

But his father (not to mention Margot) taught him to deal with problems when they happened so you could lose the weight of them before that weight got too heavy and dragged you down.

With that in mind, he put the water down, nabbed his phone and took the call.

“Yo, Johnny.”

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me with that shit?” his brother replied.

Toby let out a long breath.

“‘Yo, Johnny.’ That’s what you’ve got to say to me when the whole town’s talkin’ about you shouting in Addie’s face on the fuckin’ street yesterday?” his brother demanded.

“Johnny, listen—”

“And just so you know the entire reason I’m pissed as fuck at you, I had to hear that shit from someone else, not my brother who had a fuckin’ fight with my woman’s sister on the goddamn street and then came back to the garage and worked right beside me for the next three hours and didn’t say dick.”

All right.

You know what?

He was done with this.

So he bit out, “Johnny, lay off.”

“Lay off?” That came low and even more ticked than his brother had already sounded.

“Yeah, lay the fuck off,” Toby returned.

“Have you lost your goddamned mind?”

“No, actually, I haven’t,” Toby gritted.

“What was it about?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Wrong,” Johnny clipped. “When it comes to Eliza’s sister, it’s absolutely my business. When it comes to my kid brother, it’s my business. I cannot fuckin’ believe you got up in Addie’s shit and didn’t say dick to me. But I shouldn’t be surprised. That’s vintage Toby.”

Oh, hell no.

“Right, no,” Toby ground out. “We’re not doin’ this. You are not goin’ there. I’ve eaten that shit for as long as I’m willin’ to eat it. This ends here.”

“Tobe—”

“No,” he interrupted. “I’m not you. Get over it. I’ve never been you. But I’ve been around for nearly thirty-three years so it’s time you got your head around it. And speakin’ of that, I’m nearly thirty-three fuckin’ years old, Johnny. It’s also time you quit treating me like I’m thirteen.”

He heard his brother start to talk but Toby didn’t let him get anything out because he kept going.

“This isn’t about me takin’ off to the mill when I’m eight to have my own space to do my own thing and not tellin’ anyone about it. I was a kid. And yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have done that or any of the other shit you think I shouldn’t have done because it wasn’t what you’d do, but I was a fuckin’ kid. And straight up, there was a reason for me doin’ just about everything I did, including that. I was a kid who needed his own fuckin’ space to do his own fuckin’ thing and there’s nothin’ wrong with that.”

“To—”

Toby spoke over him. “No, this is about me bein’ a grown-ass man and you not bein’ down with whatever it is you’re not down with, and no offense, man, but I no longer give a fuck you’re not down with it. I don’t ask you to explain the ins and outs of your life and the decisions you make. I should not have to ask you to return that favor.”

“Brother, listen—”

Toby didn’t listen.

He kept talking because this shit needed to be said and as far as he was concerned, it was a long time coming.

“Not once, outside Dad payin’ my tuition for college, and yeah, it took me seven years to get my degree because I kept goin’ off and doin’ something else, but I got my degree, Johnny. Not fuckin’ once did I ask you or Dad or Grams and Gramps or Margot and Dave for a fuckin’ dime. I made my own way. I paid my own bills. I bought my own cars. I paid for my mechanic’s license and my pilot’s license out of my own pocket. I did my own thing and I took care of myself doin’ it, not leanin’ on goddamned anyone. And yeah, I’ve been out on my own for fifteen years, never laid down roots. Longest I stayed in one place was for three years, but who the fuck cares?”

“Toby—”

Tobe didn’t let Johnny get another word in.

He kept at him.

“I’ve never been arrested. I’ve never carried debt I couldn’t pay off on my own. I never missed payin’ a bill, bein’ prepared to take a test in a classroom, or a day of work. I’m no one’s baby daddy, never made a promise I didn’t keep and never broke a single heart by bein’ an ass. I can’t say I didn’t get in a tangle or two, but it was when I was tryin’ to do the right thing for the wrong people. All I did was live my life in a way you don’t live yours, doin’ it just happening to be the second Gamble son. I’m sorry if you think different, but that does not buy me a lifetime of taking your shit.”

“Brother—”

“And I’ll point out, Johnny, even after Dad died and I got my take from the garages, I didn’t go out and buy a yacht and a Ferrari and live the good life bein’ a freeloader and scoring pussy and acting like a twat. I stayed gainfully employed, lived well within my means, and when the time was right for me, I came home and did my thing at the garage. I’m not asking you to congratulate me for that, but a little respect would not suck.”

“Toby, listen for a—”

Tobe wasn’t going to listen because he wasn’t done.

“And what happened with Addie was between Addie and me. We’re both adults. But it’s more. She’s not your fiancée’s sister and I’m not your kid brother. She’s Addie and I’m Toby, and I hate to break this to you, Johnny, but some shit doesn’t have anything to do with you. What that was about was between Addie and me. Actually, what it was about was about Addie and she’d not thank me if I shared. So I came back to the garage and I didn’t say dick to you, because, like I goddamned said, it’s none of your fuckin’ business.”

“There’s an Addie and you?” Johnny asked, and at least he sounded cautious and somewhat curious, not ticked.

But Toby was still pissed.

Especially about that.

And most especially because his brother was part of the reason there wasn’t a that.

“No. When it comes to that, there’s Eliza’s sister and Johnathon’s brother. And I doubt I gotta share this with you, brother, but that cuts.”

“Tobe,” Johnny said quietly.

Yeah.

He didn’t have to share that.

“I’m not goin’ there with her,” he assured. “I know how you feel about it, but that’s not the only reason why I’m not goin’ there. Addie needs shit copacetic and if we took a shot and it went south, that would not be good for her. So you’ve made it clear how you’d feel if I did what I wanna do and made Adeline and Brooklyn a bigger part of my life, but it’s mostly for Adeline that I’m not.”

“It’s not lost on me, or Iz, you got feelings for her,” Johnny replied, still going careful.

“Yeah, brother, I have feelings for her,” Toby said sarcastically, because it ran a lot deeper than that, and he had a feeling not only Johnny, but Izzy, knew it.

“Man, she’s not in a place where—”

Christ.

He was not going to listen to his brother warning him off Addie again.

“I know what place she’s in, Johnny,” he clipped out. “I know it a lot better than you. And I’ll repeat, I’m not goin’ there and I’m not doin’ it because of just that.”

Though, if she was in his life, in his bed, he could change the place she was in.

Except he had a feeling after their enjoyable conversation on the street the day before, she had no fucking clue where he was at with that, which stung.

More, she was too stubborn to accept help.

And last, she was very aware if they fucked shit up how messy it’d get, and she had enough mess. No way, not only for herself, but mostly for her son, would she court more.

“Is she okay?” Johnny asked.

“Not mine to give.”

“She’s not okay,” Johnny muttered.

Toby didn’t say anything.

“Iz is gonna talk to her. She heard about the fight too,” Johnny told him.

“Great,” Toby bit off.

There was a pause before Johnny admitted, “You’re right. I’m hard on you. It’s time to let the big brother shit go.”

“Yeah,” Toby agreed shortly, because as he’d just pointed out pretty clearly, it fucking was.

“We’re just worried about Addie,” Johnny declared.

There was a lot to be worried about.

Toby didn’t confirm that.

And it sucked to have the clashing feelings of being glad his brother was part of a “we’re” and being frustrated as all fuck that the woman Toby wanted to give him that was right within his grasp and he could not have it.

“And I took that out on you,” Johnny went on.

Toby confirmed that.

“Yeah, you did.”

“This isn’t big brother shit, this is just brotherly advice, Tobe, but maybe you need to get out there. Look around. Find a woman. Ask her out. Move on,” Johnny advised.

“I know this is gonna piss you off and make you think I’m a flake, Johnny, but after New Years’, I’m leaving.”

Johnny had nothing to say to that.

“And this is brotherly respect I share why,” Toby continued. “What I feel for her, it’s more than you think. It isn’t about finding someone else to ask out. I don’t even see other women anymore. But some guy is eventually gonna see her and I cannot be around to watch that.”

“Jesus, Toby,” Johnny whispered in a way that Tobe knew his brother now, finally, really got him.

“She gets her feet under her and her head around bein’ a single mom, she’ll start livin’ life again, and where I’m at right now, I can’t handle how that might go down. So I got that friend down in Florida, he’s always on me to come down and help him run his gig. I’m gonna head down there. I’ll be back in July to hang and do the bachelor party for you, go to the coed shower Izzy wants to have, whatever the fuck, and stand up with you at your wedding in August. If by then my head is somewhere else, I’ll stay. We’ll see. But for now, I’m not takin’ off on you, Iz, Addie, Margot and Dave. You got notice. I’ll tell Margot and Dave and Addie when I got time but that’ll be soon. Then, after the new year, I’m gone.”

“It runs that deep?” Johnny queried.

“Love you, brother. But just to say, you’re usually sharp. You in your own thing with Izzy, maybe you aren’t paying attention. But pay attention. She isn’t Izzy and I’m not you. She’s Addie and I’m me. You think on it, you’ll answer that question yourself.”

“Toby—”

“My mind’s made up,” Toby cut him off to say, done with the big brother shit, he was now done with this conversation. “But heads up, I’m not comin’ to Addie’s thing tomorrow night. As you know, we were in each other’s faces yesterday. I’m still pissed as shit at her, and I need some space. We’ll sort it out. We’ll have a good family holiday. Then I’ll be outta here.”

“For the record, I don’t want you to go,” Johnny shared. “I like havin’ you around.”

He liked being around.

And he totally dug Johnny liked having that.

Sadly, that didn’t change anything.

“I’ll be back.”

“Right, then more advice. Don’t commit to your man in Florida. Take a week to think and let shit chill. You might be in a different frame of mind, whatever happened with Adeline cools off.”

That wasn’t going to happen.

But he could make that promise.

“Good advice,” he muttered. “I’ll take it.”

“One more thing, Toby.”

Shit.

Johnny didn’t hesitate giving it to him.

“I love you too. And now I realize I’ve been hard on you. It’s part big brother bullshit. But it’s also part Dad wanted us to run the garages together, and I want that for Dad, but for me too. Though I’ll share again, I just like having you around. I’m not sayin’ that to put pressure on you to stay. I’m sayin’ that because you pointed out I’ve been bein’ a dick, and you were right in everything you said, including the fact I’ve been bein’ a dick. I’ll stop bein’ that not only because you’re right, but because I love you and I like workin’ with you, havin’ you close, havin’ you be a part of me findin’ Iz and plannin’ our lives. And I like to think that when we get down to makin’ a family, since my woman wants fifteen kids, they’ll have their Uncle Toby around.”

Fuck, that felt good.

Though he hoped Johnny didn’t give Eliza fifteen kids. They’d both be run ragged, and birthdays and Christmases would be a bitch.

To explain all that to his brother, Toby said, “You’re not a dick.”

“No. But I’ve been bein’ one and that’s gonna stop. You got your own life to lead and you’re right, it’s time I laid off. That starts now.”

Toby blew out another breath before he muttered, “Thanks.”

“One other thing before I let you go.”

Jesus Christ.

“What?” Toby prompted when Johnny didn’t say anything.

“Something you might not know, Izzy likes you for Addie. Margot likes you for Addie. The only one of our crew who didn’t is me. So while you’re takin’ that week to think, now that we’ve had this out and you’ve shared where your head is at, think about the fact you might want to be around when Adeline gets her feet under her and hits her groove with bein’ a single mom.”

Toby stared at the counter of the island not seeing it, the shock his brother’s words sent through him struck that deep.

“Sorry I won’t see you tomorrow night,” Johnny continued. “If you wanna get some beers at Home tonight, I’m down. Addie called Iz and they want her for a couple extra hours of overtime tonight. Iz is takin’ Brooklyn over to the acres so she can feed him and put him down at home while Addie’s at work. I can be there for that, or I can be at Home with you. Your call.”

“I did the Home thing last night, brother. Already got the town buzzin’ about my shit. Don’t need them to think I’m becoming the local barfly.”

“Right, then if you want me over at yours for a couple of beers, your call on that too.”

“I’ve had a taste for nachos for two weeks.”

“Then I’ll be there at six.”

For the first time since his phone chat with Addie Wednesday night, Toby smiled.

“Right. Thanks, man.”

“And thanks to you for the honesty. Good we got that hammered out.”

So totally Johnny.

You got up in his shit, he listened, and if he was in the wrong, he didn’t get defensive and act like an ass. He owned up to it and made it easy for everyone to move on.

“Thanks for listening, brother,” Toby muttered.

“All good. Later, Toby.”

“Later, Johnny.”

They disconnected, and Toby went back to his water bottle.

He sucked some back, processing all that, and the relief it gave him, and the fact that felt really fucking good.

But he was left with his brother’s words bouncing in his mind.

Think about the fact you might want to be around when Adeline gets her feet under her and hits her groove with bein’ a single mom.

He’d stepped way over the line in some of the shit he’d spewed at Addie yesterday.

But her obstinately getting in his face, blowing him off and making him sound like a moron was way over the line too.

He cared about her and worried for her and maybe he didn’t use the right words or tone to share that, but she’d blown up and to save face, acted like he was an idiot.

It was the first time since he met her he had second thoughts about how he felt about Adeline Forrester.

They might be able to get past that, they might not.

In Toby’s mind, with the way their argument ended, that was on her.

What came after, he had no clue.

The issues he just handled with Johnny had gone in a way he never would have expected.

That was life.

It almost always went ways you didn’t expect.

You just sailed those winds. Fighting them served no purpose.

His mother had left her family, not looking back, when he was three.

Both the grandparents he knew, since his mother’s parents had never been in their lives, died way too young.

His father had followed suit.

He’d watched his brother fall deeply in love, just like their father, only to have his woman chose another man over him. That man was her brother, but since her brother was a pathologically self-absorbed lunatic, not a living soul with a head on their shoulders would have thought that was the right call. Johnny had found Eliza and had been healed, but it was only luck that Eliza was Eliza, or Toby knew Johnny would still be living half a life, going through the motions with a heart broken in a way that couldn’t be mended.

And it wasn’t nice, but it was the truth, that Toby had gotten involved with losers, nutcases or bitches, like it was hereditary to be drawn to women who fucked you up.

Adeline was in a spot, but she was not making the right calls, and that wasn’t just his opinion, he knew that shit to be true.

Time would tell.

And as his big brother advised, Toby would give it a week.

It was up to her.

Then he’d know what made her.

And if it went the way he didn’t want, it would suck huge, but he’d bounce.

If it went the way he did . . .

With his brother now on board, Izzy on board, even freaking Margot on board . . .

That would be an entirely different story.

Addie

Of course it would happen an hour before I got off and could go home and get off my feet.

Nearly every job I’d had required me to be on them standing or walking, but it was becoming evident that ten hours was about my limit.

She’d come through my line at least a dozen times in the months I’d worked there.

And every time, she had not hidden she was not good people.

She was mostly on the phone or texting, acting like I didn’t exist (my bagger either).

The message was clear. I was beneath her. Her groceries were magically rung up, bagged up and put in her cart so she could look into the distance and strut away without bothering with the little people.

It was that or she’d be in the mood to fuck with me and demand a price check, declaring something was on sale, or two for one when it was not, and she knew it. She did it just because she could.

Brunette. Tall. Almost painfully trim.

She was beautiful. She dressed great. She clearly had money, if the designer handbags she so overtly carried and her fresh manicures that were undoubtedly not done by herself were anything to go by.

She was also one of those women who was up her own ass and wouldn’t know the sisterhood if it bit her in it.

And it did not bode well when she was next up at my register and it was the first time since I noticed her existence that she was looking me square in the face.

She knew Toby.

From what I understood of his past reputation in Matlock, she might even have slept with Toby.

And she’d heard about the fight.

“Hey,” she greeted chirpily.

Damn.

“Hello,” I replied, grabbing the first thing on the belt to scan it and not for the first time noticing the woman never bought ice cream, and right now the entirety of her groceries centered around an abundance of different varieties of fancy bottled or canned water.

“Probably a drag having to work on a Saturday night,” she noted after I scanned a bag of frozen edamame.

“Pays the bills,” I muttered, going for the bag of frozen spinach, thinking the last person on earth who needed to know it actually didn’t was this chick.

“Still a bummer,” she said.

I just jerked my head in what could be construed as an affirmative.

“You know, just to say . . .” she started.

I braced for it.

And she sure gave it to me.

“Small town, folks talk. So, when I saw you at a register, I thought about it, I really did,” I looked to her after I scanned a case of St. Croix (grapefruit), “and I decided after you had your thing yesterday, that we girls gotta have each other’s backs. So I picked your line.”

I could tell by the gleeful light in her eye she wasn’t looking out for anyone but herself. In this instance, doing it getting her daily quota of mean-girl jollies.

“And I should warn you about Take ’Em and Leave ’Em Toby,” she finished.

I focused on her a brief moment and then reached for the next case of St. Croix (mango).

But I made no reply.

My sister had been seeing, then living with, and was now engaged to Johnny Gamble, and I’d been hanging with them and both the Gamble Brothers for months.

People talked, others gossiped, and some of them got off on doing it with or around folks who were intimately involved in a certain mix.

And I saw a lot of the citizens of Matlock. I figured the entire town had gone through my line at the store at least once.

So I really wanted to prick her mean-girl bubble and inform her that she was not the first person to share about Take ’Em and Leave ’Em Toby.

Though most people said it with what they thought was teasing “Ah, those Gamble Brothers” fun (and most of that “Ah, those Gamble Brothers” was about how solid Johnny was, and what a good-natured, ne’er-do-well bad boy Toby was, and I had to admit it never failed to rile me), when it was still judgey and gossipy, even if they didn’t exactly (maybe) intend it to be mean-spirited.

Bottom line for me, I knew Toby dipped in and out of Matlock since he’d graduated high school.

But he wasn’t forty, married with children and playing around on his devoted wife.

He was a young, insanely handsome guy who some considered a player because he played.

I’d played too.

You did that if you were unattached and enjoyed getting yourself some.

It didn’t make you an asshole.

And one thing I knew, Tobias Gamble was no asshole (notwithstanding him getting in my face the day before, but that wasn’t about assholery—even I had to admit that was about worry).

But I really needed this job, so instead of saying any of the fifty words that rushed to my tongue begging to be let out, I just scanned the case and reached for one of the six huge bottles of smart water she’d put on my belt.

Mean Girl did not seem to mind that I didn’t take the bait.

She kept fishing.

“You aren’t the first one he’s got all wound up about him,” she shared. “And don’t take all that Gamble Guy goodness for granted, you know, like thinking he cares enough to get in a huge fight with you on the street about whatever. Tobias giveth, and then without a thought, Tobias taketh away.”

I was about to say something to her, like, “Did you know we have a new line of frozen yogurt?” (when we did not, but I wanted to make her go look) when I heard, “No, that’s just you, Jocelyn.”

This came from down my belt.

I looked there to see next in line was an attractive woman around Jocelyn’s (and my) age who I’d also checked out dozens of times in the last months, and she did buy ice cream, so I knew she was my people even if she hadn’t been nice to me (which she always was).

Jocelyn turned to the woman and the gleeful, I’mma-gonna-fuck-with-you mean girl morphed into the bitchy, I-don’t-have-time-for-your-shit-when-you’re-fucking-with-me-fucking-with-somebody mean girl took her place.

“You aren’t in this conversation, Lorraine,” she snapped.

“Neither is this poor woman who you decided to aim your venom at this Saturday night, during which, I’ll point out, you’re grocery shopping and not out on a date, so you’re in a crappy mood. Put the fangs away,” Lorraine retorted.

I scanned some zero-sugar granola that cost more than a car (exaggeration).

“What I do with my Saturday nights is none of your business,” Jocelyn hissed.

“And what’s going on with Toby Gamble and your checkout person is none of yours. Keep your trap shut, pay for your groceries and move along,” Lorraine bit back.

I scanned some pretzels and a bag of chips made of lentils that probably tasted like dung and totally forgot my feet hurt, my back kinda hurt too, and I did this since it took all my attention to press my lips together in an effort to fight smiling.

“You’ve always been nosy. Careful, Lorraine, you’re gonna put that nose somewhere it isn’t welcome one day and get it bitten off,” Jocelyn warned.

“Maybe, maybe not,” Lorraine replied airily. “What I know is, being how you are meant Toby Gamble scraped you off. Everyone in Matlock knows he’s got the patience of a gnat with women who aren’t worth it. Now others who don’t act like trash by treating people like trash,” Lorraine’s eyes slid to me before going back to Jocelyn, “well, they seem to be in it for the long haul.”

Hmm . . .

This might explain why this Jocelyn chick was always such a bitch to me.

“Not sure that haul is gonna be that long, he’s shouting at her on the street,” Jocelyn returned.

“He ever care enough in the nanosecond you two were together to fight with you about anything?” Lorraine drawled.

It was too hard.

I couldn’t fight it.

I made an abbreviated snort sound.

Jocelyn turned her head and glared at me.

“That’ll be eighty-nine, twenty-four,” I informed her.

She bent her head to dig out her wallet, which also had some designer logo stamped obtrusively all over it, pulled it out, unsnapped it, and as she was shoving her credit card in the machine she said cattily, “Nice smock.”

Lame.

“Do you have a Matlock Mart card?” I asked. “You might have some savings. I believe the St. Croix is on sale if you have a Matlock Mart card.”

“I don’t need to pay for my St. Croix on sale,” she retorted.

Well, that was just stupid.

I finished her up, tore off the register tape, folded it carefully and offered it to her saying cheerfully, “Enjoy your evening and thank you for shopping at the Mart.”

She snatched the receipt from me, put her hands to the cart my bagger had filled with her stuff, looked into the distance like I didn’t exist (nor my bagger) and strutted off.

I turned to Lorraine.

“Don’t mind her,” Lorraine said the second I caught her gaze. “She’s even nasty to her grandma, and her grandma runs the local orphanage.”

I felt my eyes get big. “Really?”

Lorraine started laughing. “No. Her grandmother is as mean as a snake. So is her mother. It runs in the family.”

“Right,” I muttered, not surprised, taking the divider off the belt and shoving it down the side.

“I’m Lora, by the way,” she introduced herself. “Jocelyn only calls me Lorraine because she knows I hate it. Though it was my grandmother’s name, and I loved her. Just not real hip on her name seeing as it makes me sound like I’m a waitress at a truck stop in Texas.”

I scanned but looked at her with a smile on my face. “Nice to meet you. And FYI, I think Lorraine is an awesome name. Old-fashioned cool. I’m Addie.”

“Yeah,” she started quietly. “I can imagine you know that everyone in town knows who you are and why. But I’ll just say, it cannot be described how sorry I am why we know.”

My smile faded, and I turned my attention back to scanning.

“I’m sorry, Addie. I was just trying to be real. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Being real is good,” I murmured, scanning a double loaf package of frozen garlic bread (totally my people). “And my son was kidnapped. It happened. He’s safe with his family now, so it isn’t a big deal.”

It was totally a big deal and we both knew it.

“Okay,” she whispered.

Yep.

We both knew it.

I kept scanning.

“She dated him for like, a hot minute,” Lora told me.

“I was guessing that,” I replied, still scanning.

“And she’s jealous like crazy of you because she wished Toby Gamble would fight in the street with her,” she continued.

“It wasn’t as fun as it sounds,” I muttered. And it absolutely was not. “And she’s off the mark. He’s my sister’s fiancé’s brother. We’re just family,” I carried on.

“Hun, I’m sorry. I’m single. Allow me to live vicariously through you.”

With her saying this, I looked at her after scanning some yogurt.

“And I’ll tell you what,” she declared. “I’ve had about five thousand Toby-Gamble-yelling-at-me-in-the-street fantasies since I heard that went down, and I cannot say which part I focus more on with each one. His behind. Or his beard.”

I couldn’t see his ass during our fight or I probably would have been right there with her.

“And here’s a genuine warning from a girl takin’ her girl’s back,” she continued. “About every female in Matlock has had the same, married or not, from ages of about eight to eighty. So if your line is clogged with women having a go at you, it’s just because we all wish we were you.”

I felt my lips quirk and shared, “Honestly, it really wasn’t that fun.”

She leaned across the check-writing desk toward me. “Is he hot when he’s angry?”

Hot?

Nope.

Scorching.

Totally.

Of course, at the time, I didn’t think that (well, part of the time I did but most of the time I didn’t think at all, which turned out to be a disaster).

But in the five thousand times I replayed it in my head since it happened, I so totally did.

I gave her a look that shared this without words.

She returned a dreamy look before she smiled.

I smiled back.

Then she got serious.

“I’m sure it won’t surprise you that the chain has been passed along verbatim of what anyone heard you two say. And you are losing weight, you know. I see you like, once every two weeks or something, and I noticed.”

I went back to scanning. “I just got shot of a deadbeat husband. Once I get things together, it’ll get better.”

“I wish I could say I had a breakup and lost twenty pounds. My last breakup, it was the other way around plus ten.”

I glanced at her out of the sides of my eyes and gave her a small grin.

“And don’t stop making those cards at Macy’s,” she advised, and that got all my attention as this possibly answered the question about why my cards sold so well at Macy’s, as well as the question about how Toby knew about them. “They’re sweet. I love them. My last two birthdays I had to get cards for, I got yours and they were a hit. And a girlfriend of mine has had a rough go of it lately, health wise, and I got her one and it totally brightened her day.” She leaned across the check desk again. “Though she thought I handmade it myself, and I will admit, I didn’t disabuse her of that notion.”

That had me laughing. “Be my guest and take the credit if it brightens a friend’s day.”

She leaned back with a smile. “Thanks, hun.”

I looked to my register and told her, “That’ll be one hundred and seven, thirty-two.”

“You know the best part of that,” she declared, pulling out her credit card and shoving it in the reader. “I got twice as much stuff as Jocelyn, and all of it I want to eat, and my bill is practically the same.”

“Unhealthy food, healthy budget,” I remarked.

“Thank God that’s the way,” she replied.

She could say that. She didn’t have a kid now mostly on solid food whose mother wanted what went in him to be healthy.

She pulled her card out when the machine was beeping and looked again at me to take her receipt. “You ever wanna go to Home, have a glass of wine or something, that’d be fun. I have a posse in town and I reckon you’d fit right in. My last name is Merriman. Look me up on Facebook. Friend me, send a message, and we’ll set that up.”

It’d take a while for me to have the cash or the time to go have drinks with the girls at the local watering hole, if that ever happened at all.

But I didn’t share that.

I said, “That’d be fun. Thanks for asking. Maybe after the holidays. I’ll get on Facebook later and find you.”

“Awesome. Take care, Addie.”

“You too, Lora. And thanks for the entertainment.”

“Be warned, I’m a public servant that way. Ta, darlin’.”

“’Bye, Lora.”

She motored off with a “Thank you” to my bagger and I turned to the next person in line.

Fortunately, any indication someone knew about Toby and my fight began and ended with Jocelyn and Lora, so the rest of my shift went without incident. I was able to clock out, get home and let Iz off the hook of hanging with my son without any further drama.

I parked beside Izzy’s Nissan and hauled my tired self inside.

“Hey,” I called with Dapper Dan nosing my legs as I took off my coat and hat in the entryway.

“Hey,” Izzy called back from the family room.

I stowed my stuff, gave my dog a rubdown and then he and I moved to the living room.

Izzy was on the couch with what appeared to be a Christmas explosion around her.

She was doing cards.

I didn’t do Christmas cards.

This, I told myself before my recent life change, was about being environmentally conscious, when really it was about being lazy.

Now, I kind of wished I could send cards, especially those year-in-the-life photo ones because Brooks was all kinds of photogenic, but I couldn’t afford to.

Before, everyone who didn’t get a card from me probably knew I was being lazy.

Now, they probably knew I couldn’t afford them.

Damned if you don’t, damned if you don’t.

“Make a dent in it?” I asked, easing down into the white, slipcovered loveseat by where Iz was camped out on the couch.

One thing I knew about my choice of décor, I would never choose white for furniture.

But damn if Izzy’s stuff wasn’t comfy.

“Almost done,” she answered.

“Sorry I don’t have TV,” I murmured.

“Dapper Dan and I enjoyed a little quiet.”

I looked to the ceiling then to my sister. “He down?”

“Yeah, all good.”

“Thanks, Iz,” I muttered, putting toes to the heel of one of my not-so-white-anymore Keds and pushing it off.

Ah . . .

Nice.

“Doll, do we need to talk?” Izzy asked softly.

In the process of taking off my other shoe, I looked to her and saw the expression on her face.

Well, I guessed that meant I wasn’t going to get through the rest of the night without having a chat with someone about the Toby Incident.

“Iz—” I began, shoving off my other shoe.

“If it’s not my business, it’s not my business,” she said. “Johnny called Toby today about it, and Toby told him it was private. It’s just that it kinda wasn’t private in a fairly public way.”

I honed in on one part of that.

“Johnny called Toby about it?”

“Big brother stuff,” she muttered.

I bet Tobe loved that.

He never said anything, but I’d been noticing, especially lately, that some of Johnny’s Big Bro Know-It-All Attitude was rubbing Toby the wrong way.

Johnny was good people and just cared about his brother.

But I was half in love with Toby, so maybe someone else might disagree, but I thought it was a bit much.

Onward from this, it was cool Toby said our incident was private. It meant a lot that he didn’t share my business.

Of course, I’d made it screamingly clear how I’d feel if he did.

It was still nice he didn’t.

But Eliza was Eliza.

She was my big sister.

And she wasn’t about razzing and being a know-it-all.

She was about love and support and nurture and beauty.

Like Mom.

Just like Mom.

Which was why she started, “Addie, just to say, if you ever need—”

I looked her right in the eye and declared, “I’m gonna need to talk to Johnny about deferring the loan for a few months.”

She stared at me with open surprise, and even I didn’t know where that came from.

Though, I did.

Flipping out about Toby’s assertion that if he was fucking me, he’d get a say in my life, I had not fully processed all the other stuff he’d said.

But it seemed in that microsecond, that happened.

“He won’t mind,” Izzy told me. “He’d forgive it totally if you’d let him.”

“That’s not going to happen,” I shared carefully. “But I need to get some things straightened out before I pick up the payment again, so when I say a few months, it might be on the broad side of that.”

“He won’t mind,” she repeated.

“And I’m gonna be asking Margot to look after Brooks a couple of days a week.”

Again, Izzy just stared at me.

And again, I didn’t know where this was coming from.

Even though I did.

Toby.

My mouth kept moving.

“I think he needs socialization and they have a wait list to get in the center now, so I don’t want to pull him out entirely because if Margot doesn’t work out, I couldn’t get him back in. But maybe two or three days a week, if she’s still up for it. I just . . .” I hesitated then since it was out there, really, I put it all out there, “need a break on the fees.”

“She’d love that,” Izzy said softly. “You know she would. She’s been hoping you’d take her up on her offer since she met Brooks.”

I knew she would. And when my baby got kidnapped, I’d wished he’d been with Margot because she would have cut an asshole for even looking at Brooklyn funny.

But after that drama died down, I’d gone back to what I’d been doing before.

Pretending I had it together and could manage everything.

“I can’t afford your mortgage,” I blurted.

Izzy’s eyes got big.

Shit.

In for a penny . . .

“Perry isn’t paying child support, but even if he was, I couldn’t afford it, Iz. It takes my entire monthly paycheck.”

“Oh my God, Addie,” she said in horror. “Why didn’t you say?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. I just . . .” more head shaking, “don’t know.”

I knew.

Because I was vain.

Because I was proud.

Because I wanted to be my mother, the best mother in the world, the mother who, no matter who kicked dirt in her face after she was down, she just got up and kept on keeping on, and somehow with her unique brand of magic (in other words, a lot of hard work and sacrifice) she made it all work out.

“I need a different job,” I told Iz. “I need to make a lot more. And to find it, I might have to go into the city.”

“Okay, then let me pay the mortgage for a few months to take the stress off and you look for something in the city.”

More shaking of my head.

“It’ll probably be serving, and to make the good money I’ll have to work the dinner shift and that means I’ll have to live there and find some arrangement for Brooks close to home.”

“Johnny and I can look after him,” she offered instantly.

“Iz, baby, lovely, my darling, beautiful sister,” I whispered, leaning so deeply toward her, I put my stomach to my thighs. “No way in hell am I gonna let you find your perfect hot guy, have him put a ring on it, and strap the two of you with my baby boy when you’re first starting out.”

“I don’t care, and Johnny won’t either.”

The crazy part of this was, neither of them would.

But I did.

“I know. I’m still not gonna ask, and you know why I won’t.” She opened her mouth, but I spoke before she could say anything. “And it doesn’t matter what you say, Iz. I just cannot let that happen.”

“The city isn’t far away, but I love having you guys close.”

I sat back. “I know you do, and I love it too, and so does Brooks. But sometimes in life you don’t get what you want, honey.”

My big sister looked down at her joyful Christmas card paraphernalia all over my—no her—cute, squat, white coffee table.

I knew why she did this.

Because we both knew that sometimes life didn’t give you what you wanted.

We knew that well.

But in the end, she’d gotten what she wanted, she worked hard and found it, not only in Johnny, but in having a degree, a good job that paid well, good friends and a beautiful life.

And even though I didn’t have the degree, but I’d worked hard, I hadn’t found it.

And she hated that for me.

“Iz,” I called.

She turned to me.

“I still have a cushion from the stuff I sold and what I’d saved when I was in Tennessee,” I shared. “It’s dwindling. But Margot helping out and Johnny being cool about me taking some time off the loan will mean I can push it out further. I’m not gonna ask you to pay the mortgage, and for a while, with those changes I won’t have to move, and I’ll be able to cover it. But I’ll need to find something in the next three or four months, and once Christmas is over, I’m gonna have to be all about that.”

“I understand.”

I knew she would.

I knew she didn’t like it. She’d bleed and fight and die for me.

But she’d done her time taking care of her baby sister. Latchkey kids so Mom could work, and without Mom having anyone to help out, Eliza had looked after me since I could remember.

I was going to ask for help, because Toby was right. For my son, and for myself, I had to.

But I wasn’t going to ask it of Izzy.

Though, that said, she was sitting in a house that was not her home doing her Christmas cards without music or TV, looking out for me.

If I let it, that could crush me.

But that was about pride, I now understood, because she wanted to do it for me, and if the roles were reversed I’d be pissed as hell she didn’t turn to me.

God, it freaking sucked that Toby was right, and more, just how right he was.

I really should tell him.

However, that wasn’t something you said in a text, and I was beat.

I needed a hot bath, and if I rallied, I needed to get down to making a few cards, and then I needed to sleep, not have the kind of phone chat with Tobe I needed to have, that being sharing I’d been a bitch, he’d been right, and then apologizing.

He’d be around tomorrow, and fortunately he was coming when no one was going to be around, so I could tell him then.

Fun.

Ugh.

“I know you don’t want to ask, but I want to make sure you know it’s always out there,” Izzy said, gaining my attention, “I’m here for you, Addie.”

“I know, honey,” I replied.

We held each other’s gazes.

I saw my beautiful big sister, but I also saw Mom.

And that was the only thing that made me able to endure losing her as we had, so fucking young—having my sister, being able to look her in the eyes and have a part of our mom staring back at me.

I wondered if she thought the same thing.

It was Iz who ended us gazing at each other.

“You probably wanna relax,” she said, turning back to her Christmas card spread. “So I’ll gather this up and let you get to it.”

What I wanted was some hang time with my sister like we used to do. Margaritas or martinis or mojitos or whatever we fancied, good food, and shooting the breeze about any topic under the sun that struck us, gabbing about it for as long as we felt necessary.

Or more, talking to her about Toby.

But I needed a bath, and I’d promised Macy a ton of cards on Monday (this before I’d taken overtime) and I had to clean the house tomorrow before everyone came, and of course talk to Toby. So even though I’d have some time to do some, I needed to get a few out of the way. This meant I couldn’t ask my big sis to stay.

Also, I didn’t have very much food.

Not to mention, my sister probably wanted to get home to her hot guy.

I walked her to the door, gave her a hug and stood in the cold of the open door with Dapper Dan sitting beside me, waving as the burgundy Murano pulled out of the drive.

Then I locked the door and went up to check on my sleeping son.

After that, I took a bath.

And I fell asleep at the desk in Izzy’s office, waking up sometime in the middle of the night with a snowman I’d cut out stuck to my cheek.

I peeled the snowman off.

And then I moved to my room, fell in bed and let myself sleep.