CHAPTER ONE

Understanding Covert Emotional Manipulation

“The lion does not need the whole world to fear him, only those nearest where he roams.”

― A.J. Darkholme, Rise of the Morningstar

Covert emotional manipulation is a deceptive and abusive form of exercising control in relationships. It occurs when a person uses underhanded methods to change the other person’s thinking, behavior and perceptions for the purpose of gaining power and control.

A manipulative relationship is unbalanced and one-sided because it advances the manipulator’s goals at the expense of the one being manipulated. It lures the victims in and holds them psychologically captive. We do not easily recognize it for what it is because it goes against our basic assumptions about human behavior.

As a matter of fact, manipulation is a sign of an unhealthy personality functioning. Manipulative people do not consciously plan their maneuvers. Rather, they come from a personality disorder within them that are played out within the context of the other person who entertains the manipulator and unknowingly fuels the manipulation.

Covert emotional manipulation is sneaky and dangerous. It systematically wears away at a person’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and personal value. It robs a person of independent judgment, soundness of mind and trust in their own perceptions. Emotional abuse is really worse than its physical form for it cuts to the very core of a person and create deeper and more lasting internal scars.

How Do You Know A Manipulative Person?

Many manipulators are spiteful, cruel and amazingly skilled at deceit. Disturbingly, they are often successful as they are usually discovered after the damage has been done. Although they are deceitful, they come across as caring, hurting, vulnerable or defending. They take advantage of our weakness and better qualities as well with the sole objective of gaining the upper hand.

Manipulative people may appear strong and self- confident but inwardly they often nurse feelings of insecurity. On the surface, they are benevolent, friendly or flattering. They are confident, relaxed and seldom anxious. They are naturally good at reading non-verbal signals and as a result appear to be empathetic, a false characteristic which endears us to them. We think they have our best interest at heart but the goal is just power and nothing else. They deny that their motives are self-serving and ruthlessly pursue their objectives at other people’s cost.

We do not realize what is going on while we are being manipulated because our negative emotions usually affect our judgment or perception. It’s even harder for someone who grew up being manipulated to discern what’s going on due to its familiarity. The manipulator may use pleasant words or words that play on your sympathy and guilt to override your instincts. He is also an impromptu actor. He knows just when to shed a tear to suit his needs or lose himself in a fit of rage.

A psychopathic manipulator needs to satisfy his need for power and control. Manipulators with narcissistic personality disorder manipulate to satisfy their need for approval, admiration and attention. Even people without serious psychological disorders occasionally use manipulation to get what they want as well. They do not care about how their pursuit for personal gain may affect the other person. They are willing to go all out to attain their goal. Deception constitutes a very entertaining game for them.

Your best defense is to study their tactics so you could be prepared to identify them for what they really are. This way, you will be better prepared to protect yourself from abuse and exploitation, set limitations and make sound decisions about who you keep in your live. That said, the 35 covert emotional manipulation tactics that follows will be of tremendous help.