A TUXEDO

INVEST IN A TUXEDO.

   -THE JACKET AND THE TROUSERS ARE THE ONLY REALLY IMPORTANT PARTS—FORGET THE REST.

   -WEAR IT WITH A WHITE OXFORD-CLOTH BUTTON-DOWN SHIRT.

   -ANY SOLID-BLACK TIE WILL DO—EITHER A NECKTIE OR A BOW TIE.

   -CUMMERBUNDS ARE STUPID.

   -A VEST WITH A TUX IS USELESS CLUTTER.

   -IF THE PANT HAS AN EXTENSION WAISTBAND, THEN YOU DON’T NEED A BELT. BUT IF YOU WEAR ONE, THEN GO FOR ONE IN A NICE BLACK AMERICAN ALLIGATOR.

   -FUCK THE RULES: THOSE BLACK-PATENT PUMPS MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A REAL DOUCHE BAG. WEAR THE CHURCH’S SHANNON BLACK BINDER OR A PAIR OF CHUCK TAYLOR 1970S. AND SHOW SOME ANKLE WHILE YOU ARE AT IT.

PHOTOFEST: (Humphrey Bogart with Audrey Hepburn on the set of Sabrina, 1954) © Paramount Pictures.