PHOTOFEST: (Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Peter Lawford in Ocean’s Eleven, 1960) © Warner Bros. Pictures.

A THREE-PIECE CHARCOAL SUIT

FRANCIS FUCKING SINATRA.

AIN’T NOTHING LIKE THE FEELING OF A PROPER-FITTING SUIT.

   -A THREE-PIECE CHARCOAL SUIT ALWAYS LOOKS DAPPER WITH A PAIR OF CHOCOLATE-BROWN, SUEDE, ENGLISH-MADE SHOES.

   -YOU CAN WEAR THE SUIT TO WORK, TO DINNER, TO A WEDDING OR A FUNERAL OR ANY TYPE OF CEREMONY, TO COURT, TO THE GAS STATION, ON STAGE, BACKSTAGE, OR TO BED IF YOU ARE WASTED, BUT I WOULD NOT SUGGEST WEARING IT IF YOU ARE MOWING THE GRASS OR WORKING ON YOUR CAR’S TRANSMISSION.

   -YOU DON’T HAVE TO WEAR THE VEST WITH THE SUIT.

   -YOU CAN WEAR IT WITH A PAIR OF JEANS, BUT PLEASE DO NOT DO A BONO AND FORGET TO PUT A SHIRT UNDERNEATH.

   -YOU CAN WEAR THE TROUSERS WITH A JEAN JACKET. AND YOU CAN WEAR THE SUIT JACKET WITH JEANS.

HOW DO I WEAR MY THREE-PIECE CHARCOAL SUIT?

LET ME COUNTETH THE WAYS:

   -ALWAYS WITH A SHIRT.

   -SOMETIMES WITH A TIE OR BOW TIE.

   -USUALLY WITH SHOES, UNLESS I HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK.

   -USUALLY WITH CLEAN UNDERBRITCHES, IF I CAN FIND A PAIR.

   -SOMETIMES WITH AN AMERICAN-ALLIGATOR BELT.

   -ALWAYS WITH A WAD OF CASH IN THE POCKET.

   -NEVER WITHOUT A POCKET SQUARE OR A PARKER JOTTER IN THE BREAST POCKET.

   -SOMETIMES WITHOUT THE VEST.

   -SOMETIMES WITHOUT THE PANTS—THAT IS, WITH A PAIR OF THE AFOREMENTIONED JEANS INSTEAD.