A jagged breeze swept across the deck, filling the sails as Robert strode beneath them. He kept away from the captain, the crew, everyone. He finally came to an empty spot by the railing where a huge bollard sat on the deck, rope as thick as his arm winding around its base. No mess, no tangle, just simple lines, easy to follow, easy to unravel.
What was wrong with him? After everything she’d just gone through – what was he, to take advantage of her like that, abuse the trust she’d only just placed in him?
Ignoring the pain in his hands, he gripped the railing hard. Damned, stupid idiot! Couldn’t just help her, ease her pain and then leave her in peace. No, he had to go and spoil their tentative alliance by behaving like an adolescent! It wasn’t her trust alone he’d betrayed, now he couldn’t even trust himself to bury his feelings, just like the last time when he’d given into the Bonding.
He turned his face into the wind. The sea stretched before him, untouched, choppy and empty. The sun dragged towards the horizon and he watched every moment of it, unable to move, to find the will to leave. In silence he watched the passengers drift below until the sky grew pale, washed with undefined colour.
He’d gambled and lost. He’d come all this way to find nothing, allowing hope to lead him on, allowing disappointment to cloud his thinking. Once again, the only consequence was the pain of another. In trying to make amends, he had hurt Jenn. Now, in trying to save Lusara from Nash, he would hurt her too. Men would die, people he knew and loved. Those he’d never met.
In the act of salvation, you will become desolation itself…
What was the point of fighting it? Every action he took only hastened him towards the ultimate destruction.
No!
He would die first! He would never give in. Never! Even if it meant Nash would win. Even if it meant there was no one left to stop him taking Jenn …
But could he really do that? Leave her to her fate – just so he wouldn’t be the one to kill her? Just so she could survive?
Her soft voice entered his mind, sinking him in a moment. At the age of nine, you went before the Key. It gave you a prophecy and the Word. On that day, you learned to hide and the demon was born. You hid from your parents, your brother – even from Micah. You’ve learned to hate yourself because you think you’re not strong enough to fight it. I warned you once before that the demon would kill you. Now you’re rushing it on, almost willing it to happen. Is the pain of failure so terrible you would rather die than find some other way to live with it?
Dark as the night, Robert shook his head.
You cannot hide any more, Robert. You can’t afford to. The cost is too high. Isn’t that why you wouldn’t let me hide? Can’t you see what you keep doing to yourself?
In the shadows to his left, a movement. She was there, watching him, but he couldn’t look at her.
‘You don’t understand,’ he replied dully. ‘There is no other way to live with it. Don’t you think I’ve tried?’
‘No. I think you’ve always been too afraid to find out.’
‘Of course I’m afraid of the prophecy.’
‘Not only that.’
Hesitant, stilled, his voice was nothing more than a whisper. ‘What else?’
‘Of me.’
Robert couldn’t move, didn’t dare. Instead, he let the cool breeze brush against his face, forcing calm into him from without. He closed his eyes and dropped his head, but still he knew when she left him.
*
Jenn didn’t bother lighting a lamp. She shrugged off her cloak and felt her way to the bed, sinking onto the end. She shouldn’t have gone up there in the first place. She had only made things worse. Not just for him.
With a groan, she buried her face in her hands and failed completely to stop the shaking. Never in her whole life had she felt so alone.
A noise, outside the door. Then it opened. Instantly she sat up, furiously rubbing her eyes in the darkness. He didn’t move for a moment, but his presence almost filled the room, until she thought she would suffocate. Abruptly the lamp hanging from the ceiling flickered into life and she almost jumped. Robert closed the door, then turned to the bench and poured some wine into a cup. With his back to her, he took a mouthful, straightened his shoulders and turned around.
His strong face was set with a determination she’d never seen before. When he spoke, his voice was both sharp and soft, as if he were holding on so tight he could hardly move. ‘You want me to tell you the end of the prophecy? Is that the only way I can make you understand?’
Hardly able to contain the trembling in her hands, Jenn lifted her head and met his gaze without flinching. Courage. That’s all she had left now. ‘What exactly am I supposed to understand?’ Jenn continued, relentless. ‘Should I have run away and not married Eachern? Should I have killed him before you ever found out what he’d done to me? Actually, I think it would have been better if you’d just left me in the forest of Shan Moss all those years ago. You’d never have known what happened to me, never understood my part in the prophecy and I … I wouldn’t have been around to give you so much cause to hate yourself. Perhaps,’ she swallowed deliberately, ‘I could have lied and told you Andrew was your son. I nearly did once, hoping to make you feel better about the Bonding.’ She stopped at that, unable to continue. If she wasn’t careful, she’d tell him the truth – and then he would never forgive her.
His gaze widened with horror and disbelief. ‘No. You wouldn’t have …’
Jenn dropped her gaze, fighting useless tears. ‘What else could I do, Robert? When I’ve been the cause of so much pain in your life?’
‘You fool!’ he whispered. He came across the small cabin, dropping to his knees before her. He lifted her face with his hand, his eyes holding hers, searching, looking for something. ‘You have never caused me pain! It’s my weakness that does all this, nothing else. I’m sorry I couldn’t hide it better … ’
‘Don’t hide, Robert,’ Jenn whispered softly. Her heart pounded in her chest, her stomach turned somersaults, but still she held on. She lifted her hand to touch his face in turn, to brush the backs of her fingers over his cheek.
He caught her hand, hard. ‘Don’t! I won’t have you sacrifice anything more for me. You don’t know how little it would take. You can’t trust me, you know that.’
‘The sacrifice,’ Jenn swallowed again, ‘would be to not trust you.’ She turned his hand in hers, bringing it to her lips. His fingers clenched, his mouth moved, but no sound came out. Finally, he frowned.
‘You’re mad!’
‘Yes. And that is your fault.’
He snatched his hand away, his breathing ragged and unkempt. He blinked, trying desperately to regain some kind of control. Jenn wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, wanted to reach out to him, ease that frown, touch him, and let him share, give him something – anything – to hold onto other than the pain.
‘Robert, please believe me … ’
He flinched. ‘Damn you!’ Then his mouth was on hers, crushing and sweet, salty with her tears. When they parted, he rested his forehead on hers, his eyes closed.
‘How can you hate me so much and yet … ’
‘Oh, Robert, I never hated you. I was just … angry because … because you didn’t love me any more and you’d promised and She couldn’t mention trust. Not now, not at this moment. ‘I … I blamed you for coming back to Clonnet. And, Robert, you stayed away for so long even though I knew your damned sense of honour would keep you away because I was married. But then, you didn’t stay away, did you?’
Slowly, his head came up. ‘You knew about that?’
‘Father Aiden told me.’
He took her hands, his gaze dropping. ‘Then you don’t hate me?’
‘No.’
‘Not even a little?’
‘Why, do you want me to?’
His eyes lifted, forming the shyest smile she’d ever seen. ‘Then I guess I really have been a fool.’ He kissed her again, long and deep this time, aching and tender. His arms came around her and she held onto him. Carefully, without letting go, he rose a little and sat on the bed beside her, pulling her closer.
His lips brushed her forehead, his fingers lifting the hair away from her face. His green eyes were filled with wonder and awe. ‘You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do that. So many times I came so close.’
Jenn gazed up at him. Relief, pain and longing all rushed through her, so swiftly it took her breath away. ‘That day by the stream – I thought you were going to kiss me, and then you didn’t.’
He smiled, gently. ‘Would you have stopped me?’
‘I don’t think so.’
He grinned. ‘Damn! But I suppose, as it turned out, with that constable watching, it was a good thing I didn’t.’ He allowed her a small laugh, then his eyes held hers steady. There were questions there, hesitations, doubts.
He took her hand, pressing the palm to his lips. ‘You are so beautiful,’ he murmured against her skin, his eyes on hers. Her hand shook in his, but still she couldn’t move. Then he drew her close once more, kissing her, drowning her words, her thoughts, every sense she had. She fell into that place, willing the peace to fill her, build her again, into what she had been before.
One by one, the layers of distrust and anger were peeled back and she saw herself, not as a creature, pathetic and lonely, but strong and loving, determined and independent. She became once more the one he loved. Returned to it, refilled it – and found she had always been there, beneath those layers. The loss of him had put her in that prison, and now the return of him set her free. She emerged whole, luxuriating in the taste of him, his smell, his touch. How could she have lived so long without this?
With a moan, he drew her down, wrapping his arms around her. She burned with his warmth. Unconsciously her body moved in to fit against his. She could feel his heart beating as hard as hers, feel the urgency of his kisses match hers, growing stronger every moment. So many years, so much time lost. So empty. But now he was here, and he loved her, just as he’d said he always would.
Without thought, her hands moved inside his shirt to feel the hard flesh, yielding and firm, solid and very real. Her fingers traced a scar on his chest and she moved to kiss it, tenderly, over the smooth edge. He shuddered, a reluctant groan escaping as his mouth found hers again. Deft and sure, his hand slipped the gown from her shoulder. His lips moved down her throat, gaining new ground. Fingers reached her bodice, unlacing it slowly, brushing his skin against hers, sending shivers over her whole body. He moved gently, as though afraid she would change her mind, as though this would turn out to be nothing more than a dream. His breathing was short, rapid, matching hers. The touch of his skin against hers ignited feelings inside her she thought she’d forgotten.
After a moment, he drew back, his eyes seeking hers. He took her hand and kissed her fingers. He held his breath a moment then a look of pain washed across his face. ‘No.’
‘No?’
‘Yes but no.’ Those eyebrows rose, vulnerable again. ‘It’ll probably kill me – but I’d rather wait.’
‘What?’ Jenn wanted to laugh at the idea. ‘Haven’t we waited long enough?’
‘Too long, my love – but just a little longer. If you don’t mind, I’d rather have a priest’s blessing first this time.’
‘A priest?’ Jenn whispered, wide-eyed.
Robert grinned. ‘We could arrange it for the day after we get back to Bleakstone. Aiden would do it – he’d love to. He’s just an old romantic at heart.’
‘But … what about the prophecy?’
‘My dear, sweet, lovely Jenny. I’m going to love you for the rest of my life, whether we’re married or no. It won’t matter a whit to the prophecy.’ He kissed her forehead and brushed his lips down to hers. She could feel his body warming against hers, despite his words.
Could she wait? A few more days, after so many years?
She smiled and pulled him close again. How could she not?
‘But whatever you do,’ he murmured into her hair, ‘don’t start all over again, asking me what I want to do right now.’
*
Huge white gulls swooped down across the path of the ship as it dipped and swung its way towards the shore. Their cries rang out against the flapping sails, caught in a cross-wind blown between the crusty cliffs either side of the approaching port. The green of Flan’har greeted them with sunshine, but little of the warmth of the southern continent. Instead, the breeze had a chill to it, but it was familiar, like home.
Robert stood with Jenn in the prow of the ship, gazing at the shoreline, counting the fishing boats. He had one hand on the rail, the other around her waist. She was trapped between him and the sea, her head back against his shoulder. Without even looking, he knew there was a smile on her face.
As there was on his.
Miracles were such odd creatures, never warning you when they were about to strike. But who cared, as long as they did. As long as this one did.
As long as this one affected the demon in this manner. Never in his life had it been so quiet. Unless he looked really closely, it was almost invisible, having no more power over him than those seagulls. A miracle indeed.
‘I think I love this ship,’ Jenn laughed. ‘It’s odd to think I’d never been on one before this trip. For some reason, I feel like I’ve been sailing all my life.’
‘So you’ve managed to forget how sick you were the first time.’
‘But of course! Memory is good like that. You should try it some time.’
‘Don’t worry, I will.’
‘I know this is going to sound strange,’ Jenn said, her face half-buried against his cloak, ‘but if you don’t mind, I’d rather keep this quiet for the moment. If nothing else, we have to remember I’m still officially dead. I don’t want people to get all distracted about what is really going on at Bleakstone.’
‘To be honest,’ Robert replied easily, ‘I don’t really want to share this with anyone just yet either. I’m still not sure I believe it myself.’
She laughed softly, the sound dying away in the wind. Without moving she added, ‘You do realise, don’t you, that when we get married … Andrew will be your son?’
‘Yes. Why? Do you think I’d disown him simply because he happened, by some terrible twist of fate, to have the wrong father? Careless of him, I’ll admit – but he’s just a boy. He can’t help it. Between us, however, I think we can make sure he becomes something considerably better than the monster who sired him.’
‘I’m not sure that’s possible.’
The words were so soft, Robert wasn’t sure he’d heard right. ‘What did you say?’
‘Nothing. What’s that? There, on the horizon?’ Jenn asked, pointing east. ‘It looks too big to be a fishing vessel.’
Robert squinted into the distance at the tall masts of the galleon. No colours were flying, but that was quite deliberate. ‘One of Grant’s ships, I’d say. There are six in all, though only one sits on the horizon at a time.’
‘Why?’
He gestured towards the taller cliff. ‘See there? It’s a beacon. When we get word from Micah that Selar’s army is ready to move, that beacon will be lit. By the time our army reaches the port, the ships will be in, ready for the men to board. They’ll sail from here west to the port of Aaran and there the men will march north to Shan Moss.’
Jenn twisted around to glance up at him, her hands holding his around her waist. ‘Kavanagh’s risking a lot helping you like this. Does he really feel so bad about Rosalind?’
Robert grinned. ‘That and a few other things.’
‘What?’
He pursed his lips – but just looking at her made him want to laugh. To be able to watch her, hold her like this, just simply be with her was more than he’d ever hoped for. Was it possible to make this moment last for ever?
‘A few years ago, I helped him out with a small problem he had.’
‘Small? Why, Robert Douglas, I think you’re not telling me the whole truth.’
‘I quake when you use that tone on me, you know. Shiver right down to my boots.’
She giggled, going up on her toes to kiss his cheek. He turned his face in time to catch her, allowing the fire inside him to be ignited by that small touch. She put a hand to his chest, raising her eyebrows in warning. ‘Don’t you think you can get me all distracted now. And it’s too late anyway. We’ll be docking in a few minutes. Tell me about Grant.’
He laughed, pulling her close again, but behaving this time. ‘Before my father died, Grant came to live at Dunlorn, to learn about courts and government and such. It had always been something of a tradition with the Dukes of Flan’har and the Earls of Dunlorn. My father didn’t like Grant very much – Mother is still wary of him – but really, he’s as harmless as they come. Just before Caslemas, Grant got a letter from his father, telling him that he was to be betrothed. He was to leave Dunlorn inside the month and return home to meet his bride.’
‘Did he know her at all?’
‘Actually, yes. In fact, he had always kind of hoped his father would choose her. The problem was that Grant, being such a contrary creature, disliked being ordered around like that, so he spent the entire Caslemas celebrations wooing every lass he could get his hands on. We used to hold a big gathering in those days, so you can imagine how busy he was. Of course, like an idiot, he managed to court a young lady who was far too clever for him. Fortunately, I was the only one who came across them hidden in an alcove. I caught them just as she was telling him he would have to marry her first.’
Jenn began to laugh, the movement against his chest filling him with warmth despite the cold. ‘Oh dear.’
‘Exactly. Anyway, when she’d gone, Grant took me to one side. I’ve never seen anyone look more sheepish. He confessed he felt little for this lady and really wanted to go home, but now he was trapped. He couldn’t tell her the truth or her family would hold him to his reluctant promise. Remember, he wasn’t actually betrothed as yet. He practically got down on his knees and begged me to help him.’
‘What else could I do? I found the girl a little later in the day and quietly set about wooing her myself.’
‘What?’
‘It might come as a surprise to you, my dear,’ Robert replied, convincingly wounded, ‘but some girls, occasionally, have found me quite attractive.’
She bit in her lip to stop her laughter. ‘Poor souls. So what happened?’
‘Well, of course, she found my attentions far preferable to those of Grant. She ran cold on him within a day and by the end of the next, was preparing the same speech for me as she’d given him. I’m ashamed to admit, I took her to my father. He, naturally, hit the roof.’
‘You would have married her?’
Robert paused to brush a strand of hair from Jenn’s face. ‘I did.’
All laughter vanished from her eyes. ‘Berenice? But I thought you were betrothed as children.’
‘We were little more than that, but that’s only Finnlay’s memory of the thing. He was a child when it all happened. I was fourteen. Old enough to think her pretty, too young to realise what an idiot I was.’
‘What did your father say?’
‘Oh, once she was out of the room, he didn’t spare me. Mother was no help either. They just told me that if I was foolish enough to get myself involved like that, then I would have to face the consequences. We were officially betrothed within a week, by which time, Grant was well on his way home. Berenice and I didn’t actually get married until long after that, once Selar had thrashed his way across the country. For a while, Finnlay got it into his head I was relieved to have an excuse not to marry her. But he was wrong. I did want to marry her. I thought she was lovely.’
He glanced down to find Jenn was watching him, a soft smile on her face. ‘I’m glad.’
Robert nodded. ‘Me too.’
‘But you never told Grant?’
‘Actually, I’ve tried to, many times – but he just thinks I’m trying to be noble.’
‘Obviously he doesn’t know you as well as the rest of us.’ Jenn laughed lightly and turned back towards the dock, now very close. ‘And don’t worry, I won’t mention a word of it when I meet him. Will he be at Bleakstone?’
‘Probably, though I keep trying to get him to stay away. It’s bad enough I’m marshalling an army within his borders; there’s no need to have Selar think Flan’har is a threat on its own.’
Jenn raised a hand to point at the dock. ‘Look at that. Isn’t that Owen?’
‘Where?’
‘In the blue cloak, by the nets. I think he’s waving. He doesn’t look happy.’ She paused. ‘Could Micah have come back already?’
‘No. The beacon would be lit to bring the ships in. It must be something else. Come on, let’s get the bags.’
The press of people on the dock bordered on the dangerous but Robert was tall enough to steer Jenn clear and down the end to where Owen waited.
‘Welcome back, my lord. I have horses waiting. Don’t worry, we’ve not heard a word from Micah.’
Without insisting on further explanation out here, in the open, Robert took Jenn’s arm and followed behind Owen until they reached a hostelry set back from the dock. There, Owen took the bags and slung them over his horse. His lined, familiar face was grave as he glanced around to make sure they were alone.
‘What is it?’ Robert murmured.
‘Bad news, my lord. About the Duke of Ballochford.’
‘McGlashen?’ Cold fear gripped Robert’s stomach. ‘What about him?’
‘He’s all right – it’s his family. Two weeks ago … they were all murdered.’
Jenn’s hand swiftly covered her mouth while the other reached for Robert. Immediately he put his arm around her shoulders.
‘By the gods! How?’
‘The details are sketchy. Apparently, the Duke was moving his family somewhere safe before coming here. He rode on ahead with only his little boy. The rest never arrived. He found them hours later, slaughtered on the road. Every man, woman and child. He sent us a message. We’re expecting him at Bleakstone tonight.’
‘Serin’s blood, poor Donal!’ Robert breathed. He glanced down at Jenn. ‘Nash knows what we’re doing. He’s trying to scare off anyone who’ll support me. We’ve run out of time. I just hope Micah’s still safe. Let’s go.’