Chapter 17

SUSTAINING MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS

BOTH THE BUSINESS AND PRACTICE OF WRITING HAVE AT their foundation meaningful and productive relationships. Why? Because relationships are the waters on which our writing craft travel. We may write alone, but what we write and how we share it are ultimately entwined in the relationships we have — and those we intend to create. Let’s consider why these are important, and how to make them as productive as they can be.

YOUR COMMUNITY IS YOUR POT OF GOLD

Without people to share ideas with, learn from, explore opportunities with, and offer our writing to, we are in monologue. And that only gets us so far. By entering a dialogue, a relationship, a community, we blow the doors of possibility wide open. We learn what’s resonating with others in our writing and where our opportunities for improvement may be. We hear about a teaching or publishing opportunity from a friend. We connect with an agent because we knew to attend the conference where she would be. We get invited to speak about our area of expertise because there are people out there who are familiar with our platform and want to hear about it. (And we give generously to our community: encouragement, referrals, testimonials, feedback, a shoulder to lean on, and whatever else is asked that we can afford to give.) Quite simply, we feel a part of the larger conversation of our writing lives because we have lifted our heads from our own personal page to exchange wisdom and encouragement through the dance of relationship. Your writing community is your bedrock. It gives you strength, courage, information, support, validation, encouragement, celebration, and motivation to keep on plugging.

A Community of Two: Your Writing Buddy

“Community” can be a big and abstract, and slightly unapproachable, concept. If the thought of creating one sounds daunting to you, let’s start with something far simpler: a friend. Having a single person you can count on to care about your writing life and share her own may be more important than any skill or system you can put into effect. Why? Because when we have a generous witness, we are more powerful and possible. When we are in process with someone who has similar passions and aspirations, the momentum we generate can be bigger and more fun.

For my formative poetry years, my friend Sebastian Ellis’s enthusiasm about poetry — and my work in particular — helped me understand what I valued about my own writing. And for the thirteen years that I’ve been a marketing communications consultant, I have spoken nearly every day to my former business partner, now colleague and dear friend, Pamela Kim. She is often my first reader, my best critic, an idea-generation collaborator, and a brilliant guide and companion in the life of productive writing.

Find people you care about, whose writing you like. Accompany them on their journey, and invite them to accompany you on yours.

How to Establish and Grow a Writing Community

A writing community develops over time. It is comprised of the people you enjoy who share your interest in writing and publishing: friends, classmates, and colleagues. There are endless ways to go about getting connected. Here are a few.

• PARTICIPATE IN LITERARY EVENTS. You may meet these folks through writing or critique groups, workshops, conferences, readings, your kids’ school, and other events in your community. Check your local newspaper, literary calendar, library and community bulletin boards for news of such happenings. Or try visiting www.meetup.com, then plug in your genre or writing topic of interest to see if there’s an opportunity to connect with people who share your passion.

• CREATE YOUR OWN COMMUNITY CONTEXT. If you can’t find an event or opportunity to connect with other writers where you live, start one or travel to one.

• PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. When you attend events, talk to the people around you. Ask questions of the presenters, give thanks to the hosts and facilitators, sign up for mailing lists, exchange contact info, and find out what you can do to get involved.

• GIVE SERVICE. This may be the most satisfying way to plug into your writing community. Host a lecture or literary event. (Chapter seventy-nine in my book Writing the Life Poetic tells you how.) Find an institution such as a nursing home or homeless shelter in your community where people have limited access to writing opportunities, and share your love of the word with them. Create an e-zine (a newsletter or magazine distributed via e-mail) that shares writing from you and/or your community. As you tune in to what’s already available for writers where you live, you are likely to start imagining new ways to add value.

• FIND THE RIGHT FIT FOR YOU. If you join a group and it doesn’t feel right for whatever reason, trust yourself and move on quickly. You know who and what resonates for you. And most likely you can quickly evaluate if a community context is mov- ing you forward or holding you back. I have friends who have been discouraged by joining writing critique groups where clearly their work and their spirit was not a fit with the general vibe of the group. Don’t worry, it’s a big world and there are many other groups to explore. And if you can’t find one that fits just right, start one and shape it to your own standards.

• REMEMBER THAT IT’S ALL YOUR WRITING LIFE! What better way to cultivate your community than by inviting the people around you to share their wisdom? Talk to people. Leave the house. Do a little qualitative research. Consider everyone you meet a source of ideas, stories, and insights, and you’ll build a lasting bridge between your “real life” and your “writing life.”

GUIDES CAN HELP SHOW YOU THE WAY

Role models remind us what is possible, keep us reaching higher, and sometimes even offer valuable blueprints for how we might attempt what they have accomplished. Chapter one suggests that you pay attention to your writing heroes online to get an impression of what’s possible in your own writing life.

Another, more structured option is to take a class or a workshop with a writer you admire. Some teachers also offer individualized coaching or editing; this gives you the opportunity for continued mentorship and guidance if the fit is right. Get a referral from someone in your writing community, if you can. Your goal should be making sure that you’re learning with someone whose spirit and teaching style (as well as expertise) is aligned with your temperament and learning style. If you feel challenged, encouraged, and safe, chances are you’re in the right learning environment for you.

Plus, remember that with this book in your hands, you’ve already chosen a powerful and affordable form of guidance. You could continue on this path and give yourself a thorough education in the possibilities of the writing life through the abundance of literature available on every topic imaginable — from craft to platform to publishing to promotion — letting authors be your guides.

BUSINESS PARTNERS CAN HELP BRING YOUR WORK FORWARD

“I see this over and over again: A writer early in her career who regards her agent as a badge of legitimacy, or a key to kingdom of New York Publishing, and who therefore neglects the vital fact that they are the talent…”

— STEVE ALMOND, author of Candyfreak

Selling and publishing writing is always a collaboration — whether you’re doing it for a client or a publication. A writer’s business partners are likely to be editors, agents, publishers, and businesses or magazines that pay for writing.

Two things are true when you are working with an editor or a client: Your ideas, talent, hard work, and fabulous writing create the content that helps keep the wheels of their enterprise turning. And you are in service to their objectives, a vessel of copy through which their needs are met. Your job is to deliver what you have agreed to, in the voice of that particular company or publication, when appropriate.

This means that you check your ego at the door, and you train your metaphors and proof points to jump higher than the benchmarks, without going over word count. Your job is to become the voice of the story you have been hired to tell. And when you are asked to revise and change direction, you smile and do so until everyone is satisfied (within whatever scope was originally established, of course. For example, if you agreed to two rounds of revision at a certain pay rate, it’s time to renegotiate payment if you are asked for additional edits.)

Likewise, when you are writing a nonfiction book, you are sharing your expertise in your own way, but you are doing so within an agreed-upon structure, voice, and style that has been negotiated and agreed upon with your publisher in advance. Poetry and fiction are slightly different in that a full-length manuscript (or individual poem or story) is typically written first, and then accepted for publication. But you can still expect an editorial process in which creative work is refined collaboratively with the publication’s editor.

How to Collaborate Productively With Business Partners

PARTNER	LEARN THEIR EXPECTATIONS	COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS
Editor	• What is my final deliverable deadline? • In what format should I present my work? • How closely do you want me to stick to our agreed outline/TOC /scope of work? • How do you give feedback? • Do you want to see my revisions red-lined? • How many rounds of revision should I expect? • Are there any red-alert issues you can see from here that I should pay special attention to (such as permissions)? • How and when will feedback be communicated?	• Communicate your rate and agree to terms that work for you and the editor. • Sign a contract that makes these terms clear. • Communicate your timing needs and any other requirements that define your participation in the project.
Client	Collaboratively define with the client their: • Objectives • Deadlines • Budget • Timeline/expected number of drafts • Desired voice/tone • Available source information • Pay rate and schedule	• Create or request a thorough creative brief signed by both parties. • Ensure that everyone agrees to a clear schedule for writing, editing, and finalizing copy. • Feedback per the schedule — on time. • Payment terms: on what dates or stages in the process you expect to be paid.
Agent	• What topics and genres do you represent? • How do you like to be approached by writers? • How do you prefer to receive queries and submissions?	• Send a query (and proposal if there is interest) that tell a compelling story about your project and your platform on this topic. • If the agent is interested in representing you: • Articulate the type of support and frequency of contact you desire. • Define your goals for your current project/long-term career.

READERS CAN BRING YOU BUZZ CURRENCY

Until you start publishing widely, you are not likely to know who your readers actually are or what they expect from you. Your job until that time comes is to simply choose an imagined reader (to help yourself stay on track with your writing focus), be yourself, and stay true to whatever platform, goals, and ideals you have set for yourself.

Along your way, if you pay attention to the feedback you get as your work becomes more and more visible, you’ll start to get a feel for what kinds of people are attracted to what you write, and you’ll understand better and better how you are meeting their needs. (Blogging can be very useful in this process, as it’s a forum for “publishing” your own work instantly and getting reader feedback through the comments.) Through your readers’ eyes and buzz, you will start to see what you’re doing more clearly — whether you agree or not with how your work is being represented. As this groundswell is building over the years, I invite you to simply be grateful for any buzz you get and to consider yourself a student of your readers. Let them teach you about what is needed, how you are fulfilling that need, and if there is anything else you can do (and are interested in doing) to answer the call.

HONOR YOURSELF, HONOR YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

“As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.”

— ELIZABETH GILBERT, author of Eat Pray Love

Set Realistic Expectations — Then Deliver on Them

A writer’s word is her reputation. The best way to build productive, long-term relationships for any project is to leave no doubt about what is expected, how it will be accomplished, by when, by whom, and at what cost — and then to deliver on those promises flawlessly. And if the creek does rise and you are not able to do what you have promised, renegotiate responsibly as early in the process as possible, so your client doesn’t end up in that creek with you — but without a paddle.

Use Envy as a Compass

Let us assume that you are in the company of an incredible community of productive writers who are all working hard and having success. Sooner or later, someone is going to accomplish something that will pluck one of your “no fair, that was meant for ME!” heartstrings. In this way, envy is an extremely useful indicator of desire. We may not even know we are wanting something until that chord plays through us.

I’m going to let you in on a secret: There is enough to go around. When good things happen to people you know, let that be a sign that good things are coming for you, too. If you see someone out there doing something you want and you feel envious, why not simply appreciate the valuable information this gives you about your own goals and desires? Let envy be your jet fuel. Then get back to work.

LET SUCCESS BE CONTAGIOUS

Okay, now you’ve harnessed envy to your advantage and so have the people around you. It’s time to start seriously tuning into each other’s success. We tend to absorb the juices we’re simmering in. If you’re cooking in a pot spiced with the good news of your writing community, chances are you’re going to fill up with that energy and start creating some of your own. And vice versa. So don’t hesitate to let the people around you know about your successes. And when you hear the good news of others, drink it in like water and let it help you grow.

Be Grateful

Gratitude is the glue of relationships. I am a devotee of the handwritten thankyou note because it slows me down to really consider what I appreciate about the person I am writing to, and it gives me an intimate way to let her know. When you appreciate your colleagues, business partners, and community at-large for the contributions they make to your writing life, you are fortifying a bond that feels good to everyone involved. The person who gets the phone call or handwritten letter will remember that working with you is a rewarding experience.