TRANSCRIPT OF BOOB TUBE PODCAST EPISODE #065
| Well. Well, well, well, well, well. | |
| Wow, this is going to be insufferable, isn’t it? | |
| Why would you say that, Ruby? | |
| Because you’re the sorest winner in the history of mankind? | |
| BUT I’M JUST SO HAPPY FOR ASHER AND BEA! | |
| And for yourself for having correctly called the winner of yet another season of Main Squeeze? | |
| That too, but like ninety percent happy for Asher and Bea, ten percent proud of my streak remaining unbroken? | |
| Seventy-thirty? | |
| Let’s call it eighty-twenty. | |
| For those of you who haven’t heard, Bea Schumacher and Asher Chang-Reitman from this season of Main Squeeze were photographed together watching fireworks with his kids on the Fourth of July, and the whole Internet basically erupted with joy. | |
| It’s so nice to feel proud of this country again! | |
| And even nicer to see those two crazy kids found a way to work things out. Do you think we’ll be getting a wedding special? | |
| If only! Sadly, Bea’s agent released a statement confirming the two are together, but apparently they’re refusing any press requests whatsoever, and have asked that we respect their privacy. Which is pretty understandable, given the run those two had during the show. | |
| Definitely, but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it! | |
| No, but you know what you can be happy about? | |
| What’s that, Cat? | |
| Next week is the premiere of Main Squeeze Mansion! | |
| Oh my God, I have to watch another one of these things? | |
| This is your life now, Ruby. You watch one season, you get attached to all the people, and then you can never stop tuning in to see what happens next. Besides, aren’t you excited to see which women—and men, frankly—Luc is going to sleep with this time around? | |
| Come on, Cat, did you even watch last season? The answer is everyone. Luc is going to sleep with everyone. | |
| Too right, he is. And if you’re going to sleep with everyone, first of all, well done you, but second of all, you might want a monthly shipment of condoms delivered directly to your door. SafetyGirl condoms are made without any harmful chemicals that can be absorbed into your vagina, and you can customize your shipment so you’re always prepared to have as much sex as you want, whether that’s with a million different partners like Luc or with one person you’re going to love forever and ever, just like Bea and Asher because I am always right. | |
| Had to get that last one in there, didn’t you? | |
| You know it! We’ll be back right after this. |
TRANSCRIPT OF CHAT FROM #SQUEEZE-MAINIACS SLACK CHANNEL
Direct Message: Colin7784 and Beth.Malone
Hey, I have a question.
What’s going on?
Is there going to be a retroactive winner of the league this season now that Asher and Bea are together?
OMFG SERIOUSLY COLIN? I HAVE BEEN *VERY CLEAR* ABOUT THE RULES OF THE LEAGUE, WE WENT THROUGH THIS WITH THE WYATT THING, POINTS ARE AWARDED AT THE TIME OF THE BROADCAST
Beth, I’m messing with you
What.
So are we going to do another league for Main Squeeze Mansion? Or not until Sam’s season?
Wow, you really got into it, huh?
Yeah yeah, you were right, it was fun
Do you have plans, by the way? For the Main Squeeze Mansion premiere? Because if you don’t, I mean, I don’t know. I thought it would be cool if we could watch together or something. If you want.
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I think that could be cool.
Yeah? Cool.
Cool.
LAUREN MATHERS RE-UPPED AS MAIN SQUEEZE EP IN 4-YEAR DEAL
by Tia Sussman, deadline.com
Following the highest-rated season in years, controversial Main Squeeze showrunner Lauren Mathers has inked a four-year deal with ABS to helm the reality behemoth. Mathers made headlines for her illicit affair with one of the show’s contestants, but according to our source at ABS, that wasn’t a problem for the brass.
“Numbers don’t lie, and this season of Main Squeeze was huge,” says the source. “Besides, all the men who run these shows have done way worse than Lauren for years, so why would her affair with Luc be a problem? That episode KILLED in the ratings.”
Mathers’s seven-figure deal encompasses all banners under the Main Squeeze umbrella franchise, including this fall’s upcoming season starring fan-favorite Sam Cox. We’re also told Mathers is developing a new series starring her former paramour, Luc Dupond. More details on that as we receive them.
MAIN SQUEEZE SPECIAL: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
by Kellie McGinty, usweekly.com
It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole year since Bea Schumacher’s season of Main Squeeze premiered—between the exes, the cheating, and the surprise departures, her season finally lived up to the hype of being the most dramatic one ever! But where are the Main Squeeze main players now? We caught up with the ones you love—and the ones you love to hate!
• Farm-fresh favorite Wyatt Ames isn’t just raising barns these days—he’s also raising awareness! Wyatt is working to promote outreach and acceptance for the asexual and aromantic communities, and he says he’s never been happier. (CLICK THROUGH to see photos of Wyatt and Bea on the red carpet at the GLAAD Media Awards!)
• After bad-boy Luc Dupond slept his way through popular spin-off series Main Squeeze Mansion, he landed the biggest catch of all: his own show! Luc’s new series about life in the kitchen, Can’t Stand the Heat?, will premiere this summer on Bravo. As for his love life, Luc says he is happily single. (Big surprise!)
• Being rejected in the finale turned out to be great news for Sam Cox, whose season of Main Squeeze finished airing in December—that’s where he met his now-fiancée, Meghan Vazkin! The couple is getting ready to head off for a year of travel around the world; Sam says he’s ready for marriage, but not a 9-to-5.
• As for Bea’s ex, Ray Moretti, he’s still single, and working as an entertainment lawyer in Los Angeles. (We hope he didn’t move there to be with Bea, because she doesn’t live there anymore!)
So where is the leading lady herself? She tells Us she’s loving life in Brooklyn, where she lives with former suitor (and current love!) Asher Chang-Reitman. He’s a history professor at Columbia University (lucky undergrads! sign Us up for every class), and Bea is working as a contributing editor for Teen Vogue, collaborating on a size-inclusive line with stylist Alison Sommers, and writing a fashion guidebook to show how her favorite looks can be worn by women of every size. Phew! We’re exhausted just thinking about her busy life—but we couldn’t be more thrilled that she’s found so much success and so much love.
So what’s next for Bea and Asher? With two kids and two booming careers, the private couple says they love their life exactly the way it is. With such a great life to live, who could blame them?
Life with Asher in Brooklyn just fit; it felt right to Bea the way you sometimes pull on a great pair of jeans and intuitively know they’re going to button. She loved their ramshackle apartment in a Park Slope brownstone, loved Saturday mornings at street fairs with the kids and Saturday nights cooking at home, loved her wild and motley coworkers at Teen Vogue, loved weekly Sunday dim sum with Asher’s parents, loved long weekends in L.A. drinking wine with Marin and Alison, loved falling asleep with her head on Asher’s chest, loved waking up to his truly horrible morning breath.
She did not love winter. But you couldn’t have everything in life—it wouldn’t be fair.
This particular day was a perfect New York spring—lovely and cool with a soft breeze that made the whole city smell like fresh-cut flowers. Bea had been running around to meetings all day (the samples had just come in for her collaboration with Alison, and everyone was freaking out about the changes that still needed making). Her feet were killing her and she would have murdered ten men for an iced latte, but she needed to get to the Vogue offices at CondéNast, because she had angled for months for this appointment, and she absolutely could not be late.
“Sorry, sorry, I’m so sorry!” She rushed into the lobby, where Asher, Gwen, and Linus were waiting—Linus looked positively smashing in a long, structured kimono, which he’d paired with chunky brogues.
“You look amazing,” Bea said, pulling him into a hug. “You’re going to be the best-dressed person at Vogue.”
“Are you sure? I changed my outfit so many times.” He wrung his hands nervously.
Bea could tell from the way Asher tilted his head that the phrase “many times” was not an exaggeration.
“Hi,” she said, kissing Asher quickly and leading the group to the elevators. “Your day okay?”
“Better now,” he said with a smile.
“Dad, I hate to say it, but you’ve become a sap,” Gwen observed.
“Come on, Gwen,” Bea teased. “He’s been a secret sap all along.”
Once they arrived at Vogue, a colleague of Bea’s met them at reception for the main event: a tour of the fabled Vogue closet. Linus had been begging for a visit ever since Bea started her job, and after many months of finagling, it was finally happening. He was absolutely beside himself as they toured the rooms of slacks and ball gowns, raincoats and rompers. Bea was pretty impressed herself—it wasn’t every day you got to share a room with couture from the annals of fashion history.
The tour ended with the fabulous accessories closet, which was filled with scarves, belts, shoes galore, and even a couple of capes. Bea’s colleague told Linus it was okay for him to try some things on, and Bea thought he might actually pass out right there.
“I think he’s having the best day of his life.” Bea linked her arm through Asher’s.
“Maybe he’s not the only one,” Asher said, his lips twitching in a cryptic little smile.
“You’re enjoying this that much?” Bea laughed. “Do you have a shoe fetish you haven’t told me about?”
“Now that you mention it, I’ve been thinking you could use a new accessory. I have a pretty specific idea in mind.”
“Oh yeah?” Bea stammered. “Are you picturing, like, some sunglasses? Or a hat?”
“No,” Asher said as he dropped to one knee. He took a black velvet box from his jacket pocket, and as he opened it, Bea saw a glimmer of rose gold and opals through her tears. “I was thinking more like a ring.”