The next morning, Elspeth woke up early and lay in her wardrobe, wishing she was anywhere else but the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs. She had a crick in her neck and she could feel an ant crawling along her foot. She closed her eyes again and tried to remember what her mum and dad looked like. It was no use. Elspeth couldn’t even remember the flood that had washed away her parents. She had gone to sleep one night and, when she woke up, Miss Crabb was standing over her, telling her that the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs was her new home.
“I hate this place!” Elspeth whispered to herself. She flicked the ant off her foot and thought about running away.
She dreamed of running away all the time. But the school was at the end of a deserted road, with nothing else around as far as the eye could see. Elspeth didn’t know what was out there, but she knew she was many, many miles from anyone who could help her.
Just as Elspeth was about to get up, she heard a dreadful cracking and creaking noise.
Elspeth peered out of her wardrobe and saw Miss Crabb doing her morning aerobics. She was wearing a moth-eaten leotard and leopard-print leggings. Her hair stood out in a frizzy halo and she hadn’t put in her false teeth yet. Elspeth looked on in horror as Miss Crabb did a series of high kicks. One of her gnarly yellow feet nearly kicked Elspeth in the face.
And the very worst thing was the smell. Miss Crabb always let out a series of disgusting farts when she was exercising.
Elspeth held her breath and made a run for the bathroom. She turned on the taps and filled up the massive old-fashioned bathtub. There was never enough hot water, but sometimes Elspeth would lie in there for ages, dreaming that the bathtub would fly away and she would never have to scrub another pot again. Or that her parents would magically come back and take her home. Or that Miss Crabb would start doing jigsaws instead of aerobics.
Sadly, none of Elspeth’s dreams ever came true. No one had come to rescue Elspeth and, to make matters worse, Elspeth was NEVER ALLOWED OUTSIDE. Never ever.
Can you imagine never being allowed outside, dear reader – even when the sun is shining and being indoors makes you feel all stuffy and wriggly?
“Miss Crabb, why can’t I go and play outside?” Elspeth had asked in her first week at the school. The show-offs were running around the massive overgrown gardens. It all looked like great fun, but Elspeth was stuck indoors.
“You ain’t allowed out for your own good,” said Miss Crabb, who was chopping up rats’ tails for a soup. “I’m sorry to break it to you, but you are allergic to fresh air.”
“What?” Elspeth was suspicious. “I’m not allergic to fresh air. Nobody is allergic to fresh air.”
Miss Crabb stabbed the knife into the chopping board so hard that it stuck there, quivering. She gave Elspeth a most terrifying glare.
“Well, you are,” she said. She gave an angry sniff. “And unless you want to drop dead on the spot, I suggest you keep yourself inside the school premises at all times.”
“But, Miss Crabb, I’m sure I used to play outside…” Elspeth paused. Could she remember playing outside? Little memories would flash into her head from time to time, but none of them were very clear. “I mean, I think I did. I can’t quite remember…” Elspeth trailed off.
“It’s the flood,” Miss Crabb said, turning back to her chopping board. “It affected your memory, so you’ll just have to believe me.” She started chopping again, and Elspeth stared at her in confusion.
“Get on with your work, child!” Miss Crabb hissed.
All in all, dear reader, it was a pretty miserable life, and there was just one person Elspeth could trust. Her only friend in the whole school. In fact, right now, her only friend in the whole world.