He was a secret friend. His name was Rory Snitter and although he was a pupil at the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs, he wasn’t a very good show-off. In fact, Rory was a bit of a crybaby, but he was the only pupil who ever smiled at Elspeth. One day he’d shown Elspeth a secret hiding place when Miss Crabb was chasing her with a rolling pin. The pair had been friends ever since, and they used the same secret hiding place to meet every morning.
Elspeth tiptoed through the Great Grand Hall. The hall had a sweeping staircase and a magnificent log fire. At one end was a massive portrait of Pandora Pants, the woman who had started the school. She was pouting in the picture and wearing a hideous green ballgown. Elspeth shuddered when she went past it. She shuddered again when she had to walk over the huge tiger-skin rug. Professor Bombast, the headmaster, claimed he liked to shoot things (when he wasn’t busy teaching in a very LOUD VOICE). This meant there were also stuffed owls and deer antlers hanging on the walls.
Elspeth crept towards the theatre at the back of the building, where the show-offs staged their impressive school shows. Under the stage was the perfect place to meet Rory in secret.
“So Crabb was doing her aerobics again? Yuck!” Rory said when Elspeth crawled into their hiding place, looking green.
Rory could tell immediately that Miss Crabb’s farts had been extra bad that morning.
“She is so disgusting,” Elspeth hissed. “I can’t stand it! It’s OK for you, at least your parents are coming to get you at the end of term.”
“I suppose.” Rory wrinkled up his nose. “Won’t exactly be exciting, though. They just go off on holidays all the time and leave me with the butler. He’s no fun.”
“Well, it sounds a lot better than being stuck here,” said Elspeth.
“Yeah, I guess so.” Rory sighed. “I just found out I’ve been put in Remedial Tap Dancing this term. I hate it. Just because I’m not as good as Tim Fitzgibbons. He’s won awards for it and everything!”
Elspeth looked at her friend in his smart shoes and blazer, and felt sorry for him. Rory’s hair was neatly combed, and he had a pen clipped to his shirt pocket as usual.
Elspeth knew he worked hard at school, but he could never compete with the other show-offs.
Instead of learning how to spell and do maths, the show-offs were taught things like Showing Off in Public, Attention Seeking in General, Creating a Scene, Getting Your Own Way and Extreme Boasting. If you can think of the most annoying person in your class, dear reader, and then multiply them by a million, that will give you an idea of what the show-offs were like.
Elspeth and Rory were quiet for a moment while Rory’s pet lizard, Lazlo, crawled up and down his arm. Apart from Elspeth, Lazlo the lizard was Rory’s best friend. Lazlo looked cute, but he had a vicious bite and a nasty temper, too.
Last year, one of the show-offs had stuffed Lazlo down the back of Professor Bombast’s trousers as part of a magic trick in the school show. Professor Bombast had leaped and bounced and shrieked, and everyone agreed it was the best thing they’d seen in ages.
Elspeth put out a hand to pat Lazlo, then hesitated. She’d seen how sharp his pointy little teeth were.
“What was your house like?” Rory asked suddenly. “When you lived with your mum and dad?”
Elspeth paused. She screwed up her eyes and tried to remember.
“I know we lived in a flat above my parents’ sweet shop in a place called Skipping Hopton,” she said. “I can’t remember it very clearly, but I think they made their own sweets. Oh, wait – I remember one thing! There was an enormous candyfloss machine with a glass cover, almost as tall as me!”
Elspeth tried, but she couldn’t remember anything else. It made her sad. She couldn’t picture her parents’ faces, but she remembered how it felt to hug her mum. It was a very fuzzy memory, but when Elspeth thought of her, she remembered the smell of sugar and cinammon. She didn’t tell Rory that, though. She didn’t want to get upset.
“It sounds like a cool place to live! I’d LOVE to live above a sweet shop,” Rory said. “Do you have any photos?” Then he stopped and looked serious. “Sorry, Elspeth,” he said. “Stupid question. I know you don’t have any of your things with you.”
All Elspeth Hart had in the world were the clothes she had been wearing when she was rescued from the flood. Just her threadbare purple dress and purple trainers. Elspeth often wished she had new clothes, but she would never part with her trainers. Her dad had helped her decorate them with swirly designs and stars using a marker pen. No matter how often the show-offs laughed at them, Elspeth still loved them.
“That’s OK, don’t feel bad,” Elspeth said, fiddling with the laces on her trainers. They were starting to pinch her feet.
“We’d better go,” Elspeth said, jumping up. She made a face. “I hope I can avoid Tatiana Firensky today.”
Tatiana Firensky was the very worst of the show-offs. Her father owned the Firensky Glue Company, and Tatiana was spoiled rotten. She had long shiny blonde hair, sharp fingernails and a mean temper, and she was very good at getting her own way. Tatiana had been horrible to Elspeth ever since she had arrived at the school.
Rory nodded. “Good luck!” he hissed over his shoulder, as he tucked Lazlo into his pocket and hurried off to his first class.
Elspeth moved quickly and quietly towards the stairs. She was an expert at making herself invisible – flattening herself against the corridor wall when Tatiana was coming towards her, or walking behind Tim Fitzgibbons, who was the tallest boy in the school.
Elspeth had learned that being almost invisible was the best way to survive in the Pandora Pants School for Show-offs.