IMPROVING YOUR AWARENESS of the world around you is crucial if you are to gain the Body Language Advantage. Doing so allows you to put the brakes on or stop yourself from entering potentially devastating situations or relationships, which can happen to even the most seasoned professional, highly educated individual, or street-savvy person.
Dr. Lillian Glass’s Body Language Quiz
My quiz will provide you with the insight you need to determine how well you observe body language, facial patterns, and voice intonations. Answer each of the following twelve questions with the first thing that pops into your mind and determine your score at the end.
1. Every time I walk out of the house, I am completely aware of the people who are around me. TRUE / FALSE
2. The first thing I notice about a person is his or her face. TRUE / FALSE
3. I always notice what a person is wearing. TRUE / FALSE
4. If I don’t like someone, I stop to analyze why that person rubs me the wrong way. TRUE / FALSE
5. I remember almost everything people say to me. TRUE / FALSE
6. I can usually tell whether someone is lying to me or stretching the truth. TRUE / FALSE
7. I usually remember how people stand, walk, or comport themselves in case I have to describe them to someone. TRUE / FALSE
8. If I had to describe the way someone spoke, I could easily recall it and describe it to others. TRUE / FALSE
9. When I am on vacation, I tend to notice the behaviors and actions of strangers, to which others seem oblivious. TRUE / FALSE
10. I remember how to get somewhere even though I may have been there only once or a few times. TRUE / FALSE
11. I can always tell what kind of mood someone is in. TRUE / FALSE
12. I listen carefully to people’s tone, so I am aware of how they are feeling when they speak to me. TRUE / FALSE
Give yourself a point each time you answered “true” to a question and then add up your points.
If you answered “true” to all twelve questions, it means that you are very much tuned in to other people and your surroundings. You appear to be the kind of person who is on target in your assessment of others and someone who doesn’t make many errors when you size someone up. You tend to be a lot more sensitive than others as you look more deeply at people and see who they really are instead of accepting them at face value. However, even though you received a perfect score, there is no doubt that you can fine-tune your already sensitive people-reading skills.
If you answered “true” to nine to eleven questions, it means that you have pretty good intuition most of the time. But there are times where you must feel like kicking yourself for not trusting your gut instincts. The Body Language Advantage can help you to become more decisive when it comes to assessing others.
If you scored six to eight, you probably don’t like confrontation or altering the status quo. You tend to ignore the good and the bad in people, and you miss cues that others give off, which leaves you puzzled by what just happened. For instance, you may not realize that the person you have been chatting up isn’t interested in you. You often wonder what you are doing wrong or believe that it must be Murphy’s Law and just expect things to go wrong.
If you received a score of five or lower, you desperately need help and the information in this book! It appears that you walk around with blinders on. You may have a tendency to be so consumed with yourself and your own world that you lose sight of others. This lack of awareness of others makes you a prime candidate for getting ripped off, scammed by others, or hurt in relationships or business dealings. As you digest the information in this book, you may feel as though a veil has been lifted from your eyes as you begin to see and hear what others are really communicating a lot more clearly.
Now that you know how well you read people, let’s get started by developing our awareness skills as we learn what to look for in people’s body and facial language and their voice and speech patterns.
Did you ever think something just wasn’t right but went ahead and did or said it anyway and later felt like a fool because you didn’t listen to that little warning voice in your head? Whether it was getting involved in a bad relationship, job, or business venture, we do ourselves the biggest disservice by not listening to our instincts. Our body sends us an important message when our heart beats rapidly, we get an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of our stomach, we can’t seem to catch our breath, we perspire, we feel tightness in our jaw or throat, or the hair on the back of our neck stands on end.
The message is: “Stop ignoring these body changes because your survival could depend on it.” In this day and age, with high crime rates and terrorist threats, your safety may depend on tuning into your body’s messaging system.
Your brain consists of a right and left hemisphere covered by an outer layer called the cortex. There are four lobes, or areas, of the cortex, each of which have different functions. The frontal lobe deals with reasoning; the parietal lobe with sensory input; the occipital lobe with sight; and the temporal lobe, located on the left side of the brain, with speech, hearing, language, and memory. This crucial area houses Broca’s area and Wenicke’s area, major communication regions.
Below the cortex, deep within the brain, is the limbic system, which controls many of our emotions. It is in charge of our emotional responses to certain voices, tones, and speech patterns that we hear and behaviors and mannerisms that we observe. It also controls our “fight or flight” responses.
Our emotional responses vary from situation to situation. For instance, someone’s high-pitched voice or specific comments may trigger an angry response from you, but they elicit a more positive or neutral response from someone else. The emotion or emotions we feel depend on what feelings we associate with particular body language, facial expressions, speech or voice patterns, and tones.
As we become more conscious of how the brain operates, we learn to access and stimulate the emotional centers of our brain much faster to help us detect certain danger signals. We need to integrate our cortex—where we objectively see, hear, speak, and remember information—with our limbic system, where we feel the wide range of emotions created by what we saw and heard. In other words, reading others depends on being in tune with your emotions, which are stimulated by what we hear in people’s voices, speaking patterns, and the content of what they say as well as by what we see in their posture, body stance, movement, and facial expression.
Be wary of anyone who sets off negative alarms when it comes to these emotions. If, after listening to and observing a person, you begin to feel bad, never ignore that feeling. Then try to define the exact emotion you are feeling, such as anger, sadness, fear, boredom, or anxiety. Listen to your instincts and what they tell you. The only reason your initial instincts may be wrong is because you are not looking at or listening to what “is” but rather what you would like the person to be. You may be projecting positive traits onto that person that simply don’t exist. It may be subconscious and wishful thinking on your part. Let’s say you are introduced to a new coworker. You may overlook certain red flags because you may desperately want things to work out. The same applies to the new romantic interest in your life. You may overlook the obvious because you are determined to make that person into a potential mate. If you notice that someone is aloof and later discover she was merely shy, your instincts were right all along. There was something off about the person. She was indeed aloof and distant. After you’ve had a chance to get to know her, you know the root of the aloofness—she was shy and possibly intimidated by you.
Reading others depends on being in tune with your emotions, which are stimulated by what we hear in people’s voices, speaking patterns, and the content of what they say as well as by what we see in their posture, body stance, movement, and facial expressions.
Even if you try to hide them, your real emotions will eventually reveal themselves because the cranial nerves in the brain control both facial and vocal expression. So when you see a sudden and immediate facial or vocal change, that person’s true feelings are being reflected. They are letting you know exactly what they think and how they feel about something.
To help you hone your people-reading skills, try one or more of the following exercises.
Remember when you learned to drive? You were taught to stop at a red stop sign, look for moving vehicles, and listen for any cars before you proceeded. If you didn’t obey each of these rules, you could risk hitting a car or being hit by one.
Just as you shouldn’t drive into traffic without looking and listening, you shouldn’t run blindly into life. You have to stop and look at who is around you. You have to beware of body language and facial language. It is critical to open your eyes—and ears—to those around you.
Employ this same concept of stop, look, and listen the next time you meet a new person. As you shake his hand and ask him how he is, stop. Don’t think about anything or anyone else. Focus on him. Now look at him. Observe his facial expression. Does he seem genuinely happy to meet you? Is he preoccupied? Does he have a dull, lifeless expression? Now listen to him. Listen to how he sounds when he speaks to you. Does he sound happy to meet you or bored? As he speaks, really look and listen to him. You will learn a lot. Try this with everyone you know. You will be amazed at what you learn about how a person really feels about you and others.
For instance, when Marla spoke to Jim and really stopped, looked, and listened, she observed that Jim shuffled his feet, moved around, and barely looked at her as they spoke. She also noticed that his tone was curt and wondered whether he was upset with her. Acting on her observations, she asked whether he was uncomfortable about something. He replied that he was thinking about calling someone at work about an important matter, which he had just remembered. Instead of concluding that Jim’s body language and tone had something to do with her, she asked a question and discovered the real reason for his fidgety behavior.
This next exercise helps you to integrate what you perceive with what you feel about a person. The next time you have a few moments, start by relaxing your body. Take a small sip of air in through your mouth and then slowly release it. Whether you are seated or standing, consciously relax your head, neck, shoulders, arms, torso, legs, and feet—in that order. Observe a person sitting or walking in front of you, and as you do, think of an adjective that comes to mind that best describes that person, such as happy, ugly, cute, or strange.
Next, ask yourself whether the associated adjective was positive or negative and whether you felt good or bad toward that person. Even though the person is a stranger, there may be positive or negative feelings you will pick up from him or her based upon your observations. You should then ask yourself why the person elicited this particular emotional reaction from you. For instance, as Deborah did this exercise, she realized that whenever she saw someone with pursed lips she thought he or she looked mean and unfriendly. Mike began to notice that people who walked in wide strides appeared too forceful and bully-like to him, and that is why they tended to rub him the wrong way.
In essence, by doing this exercise you will begin to see patterns in people’s body language and facial behaviors that do not sit well with you as you associate them with negative characteristics. Conversely, when you have a positive reaction to a stranger, you will become more aware of which body and facial language attributes appeal to you.
Think of an event that happened about a year ago, when you were able to take photos or videotape it. Without looking at the photos or video, make a list of everything you remember about the event, such as whom you met, what you did, the color of people’s outfits, the names of people, etc. If there was a meal, try and recall what you ate. Think of as much detail as you can remember. Now watch the video or look at the photos and see how many details you got correct and how your long-term memory fared. This exercise can help stimulate your memory and train you to become more aware of your surroundings.
Next, pull out other photos of people you know. Look at their expressions, how close they stand next to someone, and whether they lean in or away from that person. Pay close attention to what they are wearing and what they are doing with their hands and feet. Then analyze how they make you feel when you look at the photos. This exercise trains you to read between the lines and see what was really going on with the people in the photos at that particular time.
Next time you are on a plane and watching a film, don’t use the headset. Just watch the film without sound. Try to figure out what is going on by carefully studying the actors’ facial and body language.
When you arrive home from your flight, rent the movie and watch it with the sound turned on this time. See how much information you picked up or missed from watching the muted version. Repeating this exercise can help you pay close attention to facial expressions and body movements in others.
The next time you are at a party where you don’t know anyone or in a bar or restaurant on your own or waiting for someone, open your eyes and ears and concentrate on what the people near you are doing and saying. Listen to the tones of their voices and how they speak to one another. Are they kind to the person they are with or are they sarcastic and argumentative? How far do they sit from their companion? Do they touch them? Are they affectionate or do they ignore them? What does their body language say about them?
Observe couples interacting and guess by their body language and speech whether they are on a first date, have known each other for a while, are in love, or are headed for a breakup.
After doing these exercises on a regular basis, you will begin to see how much more astute you become in your analysis of other people.