MANY PEOPLE erroneously think body language encompasses facial expressions and voice and speech patterns. In actuality, these are separate and equally important parts of the equation when it comes to reading people. You can, however, learn an enormous amount about what is going on in people’s minds and even get a glimpse into their personalities by observing their body language alone. Body language involves the position, space, and movement of the body. The way people gesture, hold their posture, walk, stand, and move their arms and legs can give you a tremendous amount of information about them.
No matter how hard we try to suppress our emotions, a flash of genuine feeling will eventually escape, even if for a millisecond.
The body reacts in certain ways because it gets a message from deep within the brain to exhibit certain behaviors and movements that coincide with specific emotions that the brain has processed. For instance, let’s say you see a physically attractive person across the room who smiles at you and says hello. Your eyes receive the message and transmit it to the upper portion of your brain (located in the back of the brain and called the occipital lobe) that there is a person across the room who has addressed you. Now your visual cortex (also located in the occipital lobe) processes that the person’s face and body are in proportion. On further inspection, you notice that the person has dimples, thick, shiny hair, glowing skin, and a toned body. In addition, your ears pick up the sound that the person made, and then the upper left side of your brain processes what that person said and how she said it (i.e., the tone of her voice).
Deep within your brain, your limbic system kicks in, where you feel the emotions connected to what you just saw and heard. Your limbic system allows you to feel pleasant feelings about the person based on what you saw and heard. It translates the dimples, fresh-looking skin, toned body, and sultry voice. Your limbic system in turn stimulates the muscles in your face, body, and voice to react to what it perceives as positive, pleasant visual and auditory stimuli. You smile, move your feet in her direction, and brush your hair off your face to groom yourself before standing and walking over to introduce yourself.
Thus, there is an outer brain and inner brain connection that triggers a reaction to the people and things around you. This development was essential to our early survival. When, for example, the top layer of our brain acknowledged a salivating, open-jawed lion in front of us, the deeper part of our brain processed that this was not a good situation and we had better move our muscles so we could run to safety.
The same is true with people. Our limbic system processes how we feel about others, which sends the muscles in our body into action, reflecting how we react to them. No matter how hard we try to suppress our emotions, a flash of genuine feeling will eventually escape, even if for a millisecond. The reason for this is because the body cannot lie. If you know the signals to look for, you will always be able to determine the truth about people’s personalities and underlying motivations.
Now that you understand the basics of how the brain influences your emotions, which affect your body and face movements, it is easier to comprehend that these processes are universal among people throughout the world. No matter what culture you are from, your body language is the vehicle that relays your emotions. When you are sad or feeling ashamed, your body retreats inward as your shoulders drop and your head bows down. When you are happy, your head is lifted, your shoulders are back, and your posture is erect. When you are afraid, your muscles tense, your eyes widen, and your jaw muscles contract tightly. When you are doubtful or uncertain, your head tends to be cocked to the side. When you are angry, your head lunges forward along with your lower jaw, your shoulders tighten, and the muscles throughout your body stiffen.
A person’s body language can reinforce or contradict what they say. For example, a man may be discussing his wife and saying how much he loves her. But if he does so while shaking his head “no,” covering his torso with one of his arms, shuffling his feet, or fidgeting with his hands, his body language is speaking more loudly than his words. He is telling us that something is wrong with his marriage.
The body has difficultly sustaining a lie because the brain directs the subtle body movements that reflect the truth. Now we are going to explore what specific body movements may mean, which can help you decipher what a person is really thinking or feeling.
When you are fond of someone, there is a natural tendency for you to lean your body in the direction of that person.
In developing your people-watching skills, observe whether two people who know each other lean toward each other when they are sitting or walking together. If they lean their bodies toward each other, they share a mutual interest and attraction. Moreover, the angle of the lean and how physically close they are to each other may reflect the degree of intimacy in their relationship, which could be romantic or a close friendship.
If one person leans forward while the other leans back, it means that one is more interested than the other.
If you observe both people leaning away from other another, they are definitely not into each other and there may even be some conflict in the relationship.
A great deal of research has been done concerning how people react when their space and territory is infringed upon. This happens with animals that will stop at nothing to defend their territory, which often includes a mate. A male animal may kill another animal that infringes on his “female territory,” just as some men will think nothing of fighting another man who may be interested in his girlfriend or wife. It is not just men who do this. Women do it as well.
Women may even turn their back on or give a cold shoulder to the other woman in an attempt to send the message that she is not welcome. This is typically an unintentional and automatic attempt to physically close off another person and keep her out of your space or territory.
When you see people standing right next to each other, it means they really like each other. But though this is often the case in Western cultures, it is not always true for societies in other parts of the world. In Latin and Middle Eastern cultures, people tend to stand and sit a lot closer to one another regardless of whether they like the person. It is important to keep these cultural considerations in mind when paying attention to a person’s space and the distance they keep from others.
Standing close to another person can indicate intentions other than interest. For instance, when someone gets too close to you, it may be that he or she is trying to intimidate you. This closeness can often be seen as a hostile act. When people get too close for comfort, it is not uncommon to see expressions of annoyance or even aggression on a person’s face when she feels her space is being invaded. Studies show that people react similarly when others get too close—they often retreat or withdraw as a means of trying to leave the uncomfortable situation. When people invade another’s space, they may put that person on the defensive—for instance, prompting the person to become insecure about her hygiene, such as breath and body odor.
Tapping your foot or positioning your feet and legs to allow for a quick exit is a common sign of wanting to escape a situation. In addition, you may also assume a turtle-like position by raising your shoulders.
Mirroring is a technique often used by savvy salesmen who need to develop an immediate rapport with customers.
Let’s say you are talking to someone and you place your hand on your chin, cock your head to the side, and place one of your legs is in front of the other. Suddenly you notice that the person with whom you are speaking does the exact same thing. This is a sign of mirroring behavior. In this case, it shows that your colleague is subconsciously taking your lead and looks up to and admires you.
Mirroring can also be done on purpose as a way to manipulate the other person. It was a common technique mentioned in many “how to find a mate” books back in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Women were told that to get a man to like them they needed to mirror his physical movements. If he scratched his head, then she was instructed to scratch her head. If he smiled, then she was supposed to smile. Although it may have been manipulative to get a man you liked to take notice of and relate to you, many women succeeded in getting to the next step with a man just by mirroring him.
Mirroring is a technique often used by savvy salesmen who need to develop an immediate rapport with customers. The more body language signals you have in common with clients, the more they can relate to you. The more they relate to you, the more they trust you, and the more they trust you, the greater the chances they will buy something from you.
When people fidget, it is not uncommon to see them wringing their hands, rapidly moving their fingers, tapping on their arms, or even scratching themselves.
When a person rocks back and forth or moves around a lot, it usually means that he or she feels anxious and uncomfortable and wants to get out of a situation or away from someone. The discomfort may also be because the person needs to go to the bathroom. And it is seen in those who are the bearers of bad news.
The rocking back and forth may also be a form of self-soothing and a means of physically calming themselves down. If you see someone doing this while speaking in front of a group of people, it often means that he feels nervous and uncomfortable and would prefer not to be standing in front of a crowd.
When people fidget, it is not uncommon to see them wringing their hands, rapidly moving their fingers, tapping on their arms, or even scratching themselves. It means they feel anxious about something. It may also be a sign of deception, that they are not telling the truth.
These kinds of movements may also indicate boredom. When people are bored, they often feel like falling asleep. So to keep themselves awake, alert, and energized, they often engage in extraneous hand movement. It may be a form of agitation, just as finger fiddling, tapping, and shaking may be signs that a person is angry, and the activity may be a way of subtly releasing their inner anger or anxiety.
We can learn a great deal about what is really going on with people when we observe their head movements and the way they hold their head as they tilt, jerk, nod, bow, thrust, or scratch it. For example, tilting or cocking one’s head to the side means different things depending on the circumstance. If someone tilts her head while listening to you, it can mean that she is either not processing or isn’t sure of what you just said.
Most often, when someone tilts his head, you won’t see a smile because the tilt means the person is unsure about something or someone. He may doubt something about himself or others. It may also be a signal that he is feeling insecure about something. In a woman, it may be interpreted as a sign that she is interested in someone as a head tilt is also considered flirtatious behavior.
When you see a person’s head suddenly jerk backward, it means that she has literally been taken aback by something she heard or saw. She may tuck in her chin as she jerks her head back, which is usually a signal of surprise and shock. In criminal cases, it is not uncommon to see this body language behavior when someone is being interrogated and is asked a blunt question that hits too close to home.
In analyzing a police interrogation tape of a twenty-something-year-old man accused of armed robbery, I observed that he repeatedly denied all accusations as he sat calmly. Suddenly the interrogator threw out an unexpected question about where he had purchased his red baseball cap, a cap that a surveillance tape showed he had worn and lost during the robbery at the scene of the crime. The question took the suspect by surprise and his immediate response was to open his eyes wide and automatically jerk his head back. Although he denied that it was his cap, his body language gave it all away. Instead of being asked an easy question, such as whether the cap was his, he was asked where he bought it with the assumption that the cap was his. His head jerk told everyone that the cap was his.
When a person constantly nods his head, he subconsciously wants you to agree with him. He may be telling you a lie while nodding his head all along in hopes that you will agree with what he is saying.
A giveaway to people’s true feelings is when they nod during a situation in which they should shake their head from side to side to indicate “no,” and vice versa. For instance, a person may nod “yes” as she says, “I never cheated on you.” In doing so, she has openly admitted that she did cheat. If she hadn’t cheated, she would have been shaking her head from side to side, indicating “no.”
In Western culture, when a person bows his head, it often indicates insecurity, subservience, and a lack of self-confidence. It may also signify embarrassment or guilt. If we recall the early photos of then-Lady Diana before she married Prince Charles, we clearly see a self-conscious, insecure, and demure Diana who always appeared to have her head bowed. It was not until she began to feel more confident in her role as Princess Diana and received public adulation from around the world that she began to hold her chin and head high.
Scratching your head can be a self-soothing gesture to indicate that you are thinking. If you are feeling particularly tense, scratching your head may be a way to calm yourself down and deliver some immediate, feel-good physical gratification. Remember how great your scalp feels when your hair gets washed at a salon? Scratching your own scalp gives you a similar feel-good sensation, especially if you are feeling tense, anxious, or perplexed.
When people are thinking about something, feel confused, or are not sure what to do, they often become tense. That tension can affect the muscles in their head and scalp. There can also be blood-flow changes in the head and scalp area that create an itching sensation. Head scratching is a way of relieving that tension and self-soothing.
It can also indicate that a person is not telling the truth. When people lie, their autonomic nervous system takes over. That means their blood flow changes and capillaries enlarge to accommodate the increased blood flow. This often causes an itching sensation.
If after hearing something, someone suddenly touches the back of her neck and begins rubbing it, she is usually feeling extreme anxiety about what she just heard.
You can tell a great deal about people by the way they hold their shoulders. For example, if their shoulders are ramrod straight and pulled back in a military-like posture, it may indicate that they are rigid, uptight, or have a nonflexible type of personality. A person who holds this shoulder position usually keeps his arms close to his sides, with elbows tucked in. Whether sitting or standing, the legs tend to be close together, and the walk is somewhat mechanical, which matches the shoulder position.
By contrast, if a person’s shoulders are straight yet relaxed, it indicates that he possesses a great deal of self-confidence. This confident type of posture is often accompanied by an open body position with both the arms and legs uncrossed when sitting or standing. When speaking, they freely use their hands to express points.
People who display rounded shoulders tend to be those who retreat or withdraw from a situation, unlike their straight-shouldered counterparts. This can be valuable information when you are involved in a business negotiation. For instance, in a business negotiation, if you see someone’s shoulders suddenly hunch over, chances are they are not feeling very secure about what they are offering in the negotiation process—it may reveal that there is some wiggle room to negotiate further.
When you see people shrug their shoulders, it may be a sign of embarrassment, insecurity, or deception. The latter depends on the subject and context of the communication. For instance, if you think that your mate is cheating and you ask her whether she is having an affair, a shoulder shrug may indicate she is embarrassed that she just got busted as she literally attempts to “shrug it off” and not make a big deal about it.
When you see a person with both of her shoulders pulled up, it means that she is feeling defensive. It shows that she is closing herself off to you or to the situation. It may be because she is embarrassed, uncomfortable, intimidated by you, or simply doesn’t like you. She is creating a protective physical barrier with her shoulders so that she may hide from you because she is feeling vulnerable and insecure.
You often see children raise their shoulders when they feel guilty about doing something they should not have been doing.
Whenever you see a person with both of his shoulders lunged forward, it is a signal of aggression. Typically, his arms are crossed and his fingers are exposed, touching or grabbing on to his biceps. He is letting you know that he is ready for a fight and ready to take you on verbally, physically, or both.
You can often tell a person’s emotional state by the position of her hands—whether she is open and happy, closed off and sad, secure, independent, emotionally expressive, reserved, worried, insecure, anxious, bored, or mad.
I am frequently asked if it is a good or a bad thing when people use their hands when they speak. I say that is a good thing unless they go overboard. In certain cultures, using a lot of hand and arm movement when speaking is the norm, while in other cultures people tend to be less inclined to use hand movements. Generally, using your arms and hands when you speak gives added emphasis to what you are trying to communicate. When people move their arms away from their body as they gesture, it indicates that they tend to be more open and less reserved.
If you see strong, flowing hand movements when a person is speaking, it indicates that she feels self-confident about what she is trying to communicate. When people are emphatic about their beliefs and emotional about what they are saying, you will usually see this reflected in the amount and degree of arm and hand movement they use.
There are times when the person speaking to you will do so with both hands clasped behind him. This indicates the ultimate in self-confidence. He is exposing his entire torso, which indicates that he has nothing to hide and he feels secure and open. This stance is not uncommon with law enforcement officers.
If someone places her steepled hands in front of her mouth, it usually means she is confident or sure about her judgment and what she is about to say. It is a gesture that also tends to indicate that she is being truthful.
A person’s confidence will also be reflected in his handshake. If he touches the palm of your entire hand with his and firmly presses his palm against yours, he is feeling good about himself and confident about being in your presence. He is displaying openness and a sense of security.
Anything other than this type of handshake shows a lack of confidence or an indication that the person isn’t receptive to you. If someone gives you only her fingers to shake or she barely touches you or gives you a quick touch of a handshake as though she can’t wait to get away from you, it screams low self-confidence, fear, or a sense of intimidation on her part.
A person who constantly touches you when he speaks displays insecurity as he seems unable to communicate unless he has your full and undivided attention. It often shows a lack of boundaries as well. Though it is considered annoying and offensive in Western culture, excessive touching when speaking to another person is the norm in other societies.
Usually when people tell you the truth, they show you the palms of their hands. Also, when a person is lying, you may see him suddenly cross his arms over his torso. This indicates that he is physically closing himself off to you.
Hand fidgeting or moving the fingers around when they are interlocked or facing the fingers of the other hand often indicates deception.
Also, people may deceive you by hiding their hands. They might roll them into a ball, thereby hiding their fingers. They may sit on their hands or put them fully in their pockets so you can’t see them. This is in contrast to people who have part of their hand or thumbs exposed in their pockets. If their hands are in their pockets and the thumbs are up, it shows confidence. If their thumbs are down, it shows insecurity.
If a person is not telling you the truth, she doesn’t have to hide or show excessive movement with her arms or hands. Instead, she may simply hold a pose and never deviate from that position. She may hold on to her elbows or clasp her hands together without moving them. You often see muscle tension or pressure in the hands as they hold on tightly to themselves.
You may even see people holding on to a table or the sides of a chair to ground themselves as they spin their web of deception. The important thing to notice is that they do not move at all, and their unyielding rigidity is what gives them away.
If someone is feeling uncertain, she will have a tentative grip as she touches you. If it happens in your personal life, it means that the person isn’t sure how you will respond to her touching you or she is insecure, uncomfortable, or intimidated by you.
No matter what culture you are from, when someone points a finger at you, it is a hostile gesture. The closer your index finger gets to the person, the greater the degree of anger.
When a person is bored, he will make a number of varied hand movements. It is a subconscious way of creating activity in an attempt to keep himself occupied. You will see him literally twiddling his thumbs and systematically roll one thumb over the other as he clasps his hands together. Abrupt changes in hand movements are also indicative of boredom. You may also see large, flailing arm movements, which suggest restlessness.
A handshake gives you clues about someone. If a person is worried or anxious, she may use a handshake that either feels stronger or is held longer than usual.
Self-mutilating behaviors such as finger biting, finger pulling, nail biting, and cuticle picking indicate anxiety. Sometimes creating physical pain redirects or helps assuage the emotional pain caused by anxiety.
In photos of celebrity “frenemies,” you’ll often see people smiling with clenched fists. It may seem as though the two people like each other and may even go so far as to hug. But the truth is revealed in their fists. It shows that there is anger and disdain underneath their phony smiles and superficial gestures of friendship. If you are on the lookout for this gesture when you are around people you know socially or do business with, you will quickly discern who is friend and who is foe.
No matter what culture you are from, when someone points a finger at you, it is a hostile gesture. The closer your index finger gets to the person, the greater the degree of anger, and the greater the likelihood of a physical altercation.
A person can display anger through thumb gestures. For instance, someone who sticks to her position in the middle of a discussion may hold her hands in a fist, with her thumbs stiffly positioned upward. It means that the person is firmly planted in her position and will fight till the end for what she believes.
People’s handshakes may also reflect their level of hostility. If they give you a hard, crushing handshake, it may not only reflect their anger toward you, but also their competitiveness with you. Using a handshake at the outset to show you how strong they are is a ploy to intimidate you.
It’s also possible that a person who is either angry with you or doesn’t like you may refuse to shake your hand and will merely nod or give you a fleeting handshake while barely looking at you.
If you want to know how a person really feels about you or whether he is lying, look at his legs and feet. Though it may be possible to temporarily manipulate one’s facial, arm, and hand gestures, it is essentially impossible to control one’s foot and leg movements. The brain sends out a signal via the limbic system—the emotion command center—which triggers the muscles, including the larger, more cumbersome, and more difficult to manipulate muscles in the legs and feet. That is why the lower extremities give away more information about how a person honestly feels in a given situation.
The way a person stands and sits and walks can also give you reliable clues about the type of person with whom you are dealing. For example, the expression “their feet were firmly planted on the ground” says it all when it comes to dealing with a person who is honest and forthright. A person who is solid and open stands with both feet evenly spaced apart, a position that suggests he has nothing to hide.
If a person sincerely likes you, you will notice her toes pointed in your direction, whether she is sitting or standing. The closeness of her feelings toward you is often reflected in how close her toes are to yours.
How a person walks can also signal hostility. If they take large steps and make loud, clumping noises with their shoes, they are probably harboring inner anger.
People who feel timid or insecure tend to hide their feet when they sit. They will often pull their legs together and lean them over to the side so as to not take up much space.
People will engage in foot jiggling and foot tapping to indicate their impatience and desire to leave.
If you are standing next to a person whose toes are not positioned in your direction, it means that he is not interested in you socially or professionally.
People who take up a lot of room by stretching out their legs display dominance and disrespect toward you, as well as inner hostility. It is their attempt to be noticed and let you know that they are in charge; one often sees this behavior with bullies. Foot shuffling and leg kicking and swinging are also signals of inner hostility.
Oftentimes, people who are lying keep their body stiff as a board. They will hold on to themselves as a support for their rigid body so that they don’t give away the fact that they are lying to you. You may ask them a direct question, such as, “Were you drinking at the bar last night?” They may stare directly at you without blinking an eye or moving a muscle in their face. They may clasp their hands together with their elbows firmly planted at their sides as they calmly reply, “No, I wasn’t there.” As calm, cool, and collected as they are in their upper body, the complete opposite is going on below the waist. When people lie, it is almost impossible for them to keep their feet from moving or shuffling.
Thus far, we have seen how the way your body moves can speak volumes about you. But so does the way you dress and groom yourself. Although a discussion on the body language of grooming and fashion could easily merit its own book, for the purpose of this section I will address essential issues that are particularly revealing.
For instance, people who do not pay attention to hygiene—such as having a clean body, washed hair, brushed teeth, fresh breath, clean hands, and clean clothes—may have self-esteem issues. They may also be suffering from depression, in which case their last concern is how they look, let alone how they look to others. For them, it is hard enough to get out of bed. If, however, you have known a person to be well groomed and then see a sudden and dramatic change in their appearance or hygiene, he may be going through a rough patch, such as the loss of a job, a divorce, or health problems.
If a middle-aged woman wears her hair long, past her waist, it may indicate an attempt to hang on to her youth. It may also reflect a sense of insecurity and low self-esteem. One often sees overly long hairstyles in women older than forty in Hollywood, where youth is a critical factor in the entertainment industry.
Men are not immune to hanging on to their youth as reflected in their use of hair transplants, toupees, and hairpieces. Men who purchase hair plugs or toupees can suffer from low self-esteem and insecurity because they are hiding who they really are. This applies to women as well who constantly change their hairstyle and color.
With makeup and the advent of surgical enhancements and cosmetic treatments that promise younger appearances, more people are eager to improve their looks as they age. But when you observe that they have gone overboard with surgery after surgery and overinflated lips and cheeks that make them look cartoonish, it screams volumes about their psyche. It shows how unsatisfied they with themselves deep down. It betrays a level of hopeless insecurity and feelings of not being worthy or up to par, which often spills over into their personal and business interactions with others.