THE FOURTH AND FINAL ASPECT of accurately reading people involves paying attention to their speech patterns and content. Too often we gloss over what someone says only to be surprised later when they do something egregious. Had we really listened to exactly what they said, we would have known what to expect.
For instance, when people like you, they speak nicely to you. They are polite and considerate in what they say. They tell you the truth, and if they have to tell you something unpleasant, they do it in a kind and gentle way that doesn’t destroy your feelings. They really listen to what you have to say and respond accordingly. They realize the conversation isn’t always about them, and they don’t need to take center stage. Because they are emotionally secure, they view communication as a form of give and take in which they relay understanding and compassion.
Unfortunately, there are too many people who are insecure, which leads them to say things that have double meanings or are hurtful. In this chapter, we will see what they really mean by what they say.
If someone cuts you down and then tells you she was only kidding, rest assured she was not. These kidders and teasers may claim they are just having fun, but they are doing so at your expense. They are the type of person who doesn’t confront anger head on. Instead, they do it in a roundabout way through humor. In essence, they have hidden anger or jealousy toward you, and they show it by poking fun at you. Sarcasm hurts. It is disguised hostility.
Then there are the “verbally unconscious”—people who constantly put their foot in their mouth by using outdated words or politically incorrect terms. It is as though they are in a time warp and not aware that times have changed, and they inadvertently say things they don’t realize may be hurtful to you.
Most often, these types of people mean no harm, they are just unaware. When you point out that your feelings were hurt by what they said, they will typically be very apologetic, unlike the person who is too blunt. Although we are not discussing pathologies in this book, it is important to note that those with Asperger’s syndrome often don’t realize that what they are saying to someone may be hurtful. That is why it is important to point out to others whenever their words hurt you.
Unfortunately, there are people whose conscious aim is to hurt others. These people are like verbal bulls in a china shop. They are well aware of how their words hurt and sting others, and they do it for some type of sadistic thrill. When you tell them they are being hurtful, they may laugh, ignore what you’ve said, or tell you to get over it. They are verbal bullies whose goal is to intimidate, humiliate, and alienate.
Then there are people who, no matter what you say, say the opposite. If you say “yes,” these verbal bullies will say “no” just for the sake of contradicting you and letting you know they don’t respect you. Their objective is to verbally take you down a notch. Their actions tell you that they feel competitive with you and are intimidated or threatened by you.
They won’t shut up. They talk and talk without a filter. People like this are often lonely and insecure, need a lot of attention, and want to be liked. They only feel comfortable when they hear the sound of their own voice. They are similar to the verbally unconscious in that they are rarely aware of how their constant chatter annoys others. Sometimes they talk nonstop because it calms their inner anxiety.
Because they have no boundaries, they will give you way too much information about themselves, and, like children, they see nothing wrong with it. They are unconcerned that divulging their most intimate secrets may subject them to ridicule or come back to haunt them. Their main concern is to talk it all out.
Though it is human nature to enjoy a good piece of gossip, people who focus most of their time uncovering and transferring information to others have no life of their own. They are in everyone’s business because they have no business of their own.
They speak ill of others to gain power and feel better about themselves. In reality, they are insecure and envious of the lives of others. They are competitive and intrusive. They appear to be stuck at the maturity level of young children who tend to ask personal questions that may not be appropriate, such as, “When are you having a baby?” They are curious, so they ask, regardless of whether the question is rude or invasive. Then they offer their unsolicited opinion and share what you told them with everyone else because they have no boundaries, censor, or withholding capability.
People lie for a number of reasons. They may lie out of a sense of hostility because they don’t want you to know what is going on in their life; they are very self-protective and may have something to hide. They lie or exaggerate the truth to feel better about themselves and to look better in the eyes of others, in which case, they are lying out of a sense of insecurity. Sometimes people lie because they are bored and want to stir things up and make them sound more interesting. Others may lie to be polite and avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
When people constantly talk about themselves, it’s a sure sign of insecurity. When they apply everything you say back to them, they reveal their envy. No matter how many stories they relay about themselves, there is no spotlight big enough for them. This behavior points to an obvious void in their early childhood development. Perhaps they were abused or didn’t get enough attention. It is as if they are stuck in a childhood phase when the whole world seemed to revolve around them and their needs. The constant bragging is their attempt to repair their severely shattered self-esteem. Many perceive them as arrogant, self-absorbed, or snobby, but their underlying issue is a deep-rooted insecurity.
Insecurity can reveal itself in other ways, such as, for instance, people who tear themselves down before anyone else does. Their need for approval is so great that they feel if they poke fun at themselves, no one else will, and they will be liked. They tell you what is wrong with them and readily divulge all their weaknesses in an attempt to gain support and sympathy. They share many traits with the “Me, Myself, and I Syndrome” in that they are terribly insecure and need to constantly focus on themselves. The only difference is that what they reveal about themselves tends to be negative.
Then there are those who are afraid to make waves or offend anyone. So they play it safe by refusing to take a stand and saying instead that they don’t know. They tend to be quiet people who are wishy-washy in their beliefs. They can go either way, depending on the crowd. These verbally stingy people are highly insecure.
A person known for being quiet can indicate a number of motivations. Some people don’t want to appear stupid or ignorant so they choose to say nothing. They may also be painfully shy and insecure, so they give minimal answers, which are oftentimes one-word responses, such as “yep” or “nope.” They may also be antisocial people who avoid others. Or they may be selfish and more interested in getting information than giving it. So they keep quiet and absorb all the information without revealing anything about themselves, and you never know where they stand on any issue.
You can often spot liars by what they say. They tend to wander verbally as they get to the point, going off on tangents and side stories as a way to mask their lies. Listen carefully and you will notice them making a slip of the tongue in which they betray themselves by revealing significant information, and then they will immediately try to correct their error.
Liars are often highly complementary toward you. When people do this, chances are they don’t like you as much as they want you to believe or they want something from you. As Confucius said in 500 BCE, “Never trust a person who is fawning.” In addition, they tend to answer a question with a question and repeat the exact words you said to them.
Liars commonly stammer or hesitate over crucial information. (Of course, not everyone who stutters or hesitates is a liar. Some people stutter because of speech problems or neurological issues.) They will speak in disjointed fragments that don’t make sense, especially when they are confronted with questions or caught in a lie. Here I am talking specifically about someone who is normally fluid in their speech pattern and suddenly stammers when discussing a crucial point or asked a significant question.
When people constantly complain about others, they do it to feel superior because deep down they feel badly about themselves. It is a sign of profound insecurity.
People who constantly complain about themselves, their ailments, family, or work usually do so to gain attention. They do it as a way to bond with others and obtain both attention and sympathy. What they don’t realize is that their constant complaining usually has the opposite effect because eventually no one wants to be around them. They are highly critical and judgmental of others because they fear being criticized and judged.
Many people pepper their speech with curse words for their shock value or because they feel it makes them sound tough or cool or part of a specific group. In other instances, using foul language can be a defense mechanism to keep people at bay. Bullies and control freaks often use curse words as an attention-getting device or to prove their dominance over others.
Similarly, people who use ethnic flavoring when speaking to someone belonging to that ethnic group do so to create a bond and feel like they are a member of the group or to appear cool or important.