THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO are toxic to us, who make our lives miserable. I have included profiles of the ten most common toxic types. They are:
1. Jealous Competitors
2. Sneaky Erupting Volcanoes
3. Know-It-Alls
4. Cheating Liars
5. Controlling Bullies
6. Backstabbing Manipulators
7. Self-Destructive Victims
8. Spineless Wimps
9. Selfish Narcissists
10. Emotionless People
They compete by interrupting, contradicting, constantly disagreeing, or trying to “top” you with how much better they are or how much more they know. Often verbally abusive, there is nothing more uncomfortable than listening to a contentious competitor. They don’t care who else is around because their aim is to belittle you to make them right and you wrong. Whether in a professional or social setting, they take issue with practically everything you say, no matter how benign or insignificant. Their objective is to verbally minimize you. It is not uncommon for them to use personal attacks—intimate information you shared with them in the past—as ammunition against you. Deep down they feel intimidated by you, which is at the root of their actions.
If challenged, Jealous Competitors will take the opposite point of view of the situation and find something critical or hostile to add, such as, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Rapid speech is characteristic of Jealous Competitors. They rarely allow you to get a word in edgewise. You will notice vocal tension as they try to interject what they want to say. You may also hear sarcasm, disgust, and anger in their tones as they speak.
Their torso may lunge forward in an aggressive stance as they wait for your next move. Their rigid body posture indicates tension and conflict, and they may invade your space as a means of intimidating you or pushing your buttons. When they touch you, it isn’t usually gentle, soft, and loving. Instead, it is hard, strong, and firm. They frequently touch others when speaking as a way of asserting their dominance. The way they touch may also be saying, “I don’t like you and I want to hurt you.”
On an intimate level, this personality type may bring a lot of passion to the early stages of a relationship, but it wears thin over time, especially when having sex becomes a competition. Their underlying agitation and tension, often displayed in fidgeting and physical uneasiness, will eventually surface. Competitive relationships can become emotionally and physically dangerous.
Because they feel uncomfortable and tense, it’s not uncommon to see the Jealous Competitor’s eyes dart around. Perhaps they are subconsciously looking for an advantage. As a result, it is difficult for them to maintain eye contact, which is essential for creating true intimacy.
Gulping or lip-licking is frequently seen when they perceive they may have lost their winning edge, no matter how insignificant. If you outshine them—by “winning” a new job, earning a raise, or proving you are right about something—you will see a serious expression come over their face, one that is devoid of emotion and belies their words if they say, “I am happy for you” or “That’s great.” The truth is they are not happy, nor do they feel great about your win.
Like Jealous Competitors, Sneaky Erupting Volcanoes may use nice words to speak to you and tell you how happy they are for you when things go your way. But the truth is that they aren’t happy for you at all.
They confuse you because they make you think they’re on your side and completely supportive of you. But out of the blue, they can turn on you with unexpected criticism. Sarcasm is a favorite tool with this type of toxic terror. When you’re least expecting it, they’ll throw something at you that you shared in confidence, followed by a sarcastic laugh and “I was only kidding.”
Or they may make fun of something serious you once shared. One moment they may fawn over you, and the next, they take a verbal snipe at you. One moment you can do no wrong, and the next you are an idiot in their eyes. It becomes hard to trust them completely: How can you feel sure-footed when you don’t know whether you are with a friend or foe?
Certain Sneaky Erupting Volcanoes hold in whatever upsets them and will refuse to tell you what’s bothering them. Instead, they’ll keep a mental score card and remember every infraction you committed over the years. Then when their mental score card is full, they will unleash a frightening torrent of vitriol. You may think they are going off on you for something insignificant, but they have stored up their anger for years, which comes out as you listen to the chronology of your “misbehaviors.”
Sneaky Erupting Volcanoes rarely give you a straight and honest answer when you confront them about their emotions. They may turn silent or sulk. If you sense something is bothering them and ask what’s wrong, they’ll never admit anything and will say instead, “Nothing” or “I’m fine.” In reality, they are angry, and they won’t let you know until they are ready. On occasion, they may start to let you know, only to interrupt themselves in mid-sentence and say, “Forget it.” Whether you are in a personal or business relationship, this tactic is used to sabotage you.
You may think Sneaky Erupting Volcanoes are going off on you for something insignificant, but they have stored up their anger for years . . .
Because Sneaky Erupting Volcanoes withhold their true thoughts and feelings, rarely giving you a straight and honest answer, they are secretive and tend not to reveal much about themselves. Their outward aim is to keep things on an even keel and avoid conflict. So they tend to come across as benign, easygoing, and on the quiet side, but theirs is a false façade.
When they speak, the volume of their voice often trails or dies off at the end of sentences, making it difficult to hear everything they said. This habit, along with their using softer, quieter tones, forces you to ask them to speak up. This is exactly what they want. It increases their sense of power and control to get you to pay attention, which in turn makes them feel important.
If they use a high-pitched, overly bouncy and sweet tone, it usually means they are overcompensating for negative feelings they harbor toward you.
Another way this type hides anger and jealousy is by not opening their jaws wide enough when they speak, which makes them sound nasal and lock-jawed. They may hide their anger by using a monotone that doesn’t give you a true read of their emotions. Finally, if they inadvertently reveal any of their true emotions, they may laugh or cough as a sign of discomfort.
To compensate for their negative feelings toward you, Sneaky Erupting Volcanoes may engage in nonverbal fawning by touching you a lot. In addition, you may see them rock back and forth, which is their subconscious attempt to get away from you.
Other indications that they really don’t want to be in your presence is when you see them tap their feet, drum their fingers, or make other hand and foot movements that suggest they are anxious to leave. You might also notice their toes pointed in the opposite direction when they’re speaking to you, which says, “I want to get out of here.” Or you’ll see that their hands are curled in a fist with the thumbs hidden inside the palms. This gesture shows hostile feelings.
Similarly, you’ll see them cross and lock their ankles, a gesture that often reflects their attempt to hold back their true emotions. They may also jerk their head back when speaking to you or rub their neck, which indicates that they are repressing their feelings.
They will often demonstrate ambivalent feelings toward you by quickly learning toward you, which is a signal they are interested in what you have to say, and then leaning backward to indicate they are not interested in what you have to say and putting distance between you.
If they are in a personal relationship with you, they will act out these ambivalent feelings by not hugging you face to face but rather twisting their body at an angle so they are almost hugging you from the side. It’s their way of physically cutting you off and maintaining distance.
Sneaky Erupting Volcanoes tend to have tight, pursed-lip grins, and their lips do not turn up at the corners as happens with a genuine or sincere smile. You may, however, see an uneven smile or a smirk, which is a sign of their ambivalence. They may also cup their hand over their mouth when speaking to you, which indicates they don’t want to reveal how they truly feel about you. In doing this, or by biting their lower lip, they are holding back. These behaviors reflect the passive-aggressor’s subconscious attempt to control angry or jealous feelings, which also explains why they find it difficult to look at you for any length of time and are constantly breaking eye contact with you.
Know-It-Alls verbally degrade you and patronize you to make themselves feel better than you. Their put-downs can be subtle as they are quick-tongued and seem to have an answer for everything. There’s a mechanical and rigid precision to their speech pattern as they attempt to take over conversations.
They are fundamentally close-minded, intellectual bullies who view their ideas and opinions as the only ones that matter. No one can change their opinions or open their mind to new points of view. They regularly gossip about and criticize others because they thrive on making themselves right and everyone else wrong.
They typically speak in a slow, condescending manner, showing off their knowledge as they talk at you, not with you; they speak deliberately, articulating and enunciating carefully. They’ll often pepper their speech with trendy expressions, large vocabulary words, or ethnic terms as a means of showing off and letting you know how much they know.
Because they’re extremely insecure, their biggest fear is not having an audience over which to feel superior. Because they are self-righteous and think they know everything, like the Selfish Narcissist, they use “I” a lot. They are self-absorbed to the point of having little regard for others’ time when they are pontificating. They can take forever to tell a story or express an idea, and they will ignore you if you try to interject an opinion or ask a question. They’ll often speak over you as though you aren’t even there.
Because it is easy for them to depersonalize and objectify you, they are able to speak to you in a degrading manner by assaulting you with words that are spoken so violently you may feel like there are verbal bullets piercing right through you. They think nothing of openly laughing at you, teasing you, making cutting remarks or snide comments, or using sarcasm toward you, especially if they assume you don’t understand what they are saying or you disagree. If you manage to get a word in edgewise and complain about their condescending treatment, they’ll belittle you and sarcastically assure you that “you’re misinterpreting things.”
A staccato and deliberately choppy tone that lacks vocal animation is prevalent in this toxic type. This gives the Know-It-All the tonal quality of someone who is highly critical. Their hard, glottal, attacking tones reflect impatience with those whom they see as being inferior. They often sound like they are speaking to a naughty child, so it is not uncommon for them to use quieter calm tones, which forces you to listen and pay close attention to what they have to say, similar to other toxic types.
If you confront them or respond to their droning, condescending pontification, you’ll see them become impatient and start to fidget and move around. More than anything, though, you’ll see a stiff, erect stance as they lean backward to maintain an air of distance from others. They are frequently seen with their hands placed on their hips, elbows extended. This is a body language signal that others should keep their distance.
Know-It-Alls will expose the back of their hand, which indicates they may be closed off to others and that reciprocal communication and interaction isn’t welcome. They may also use a pincer grip with their thumb touching their index finger when speaking to emphasize the precision of what they are attempting to say. When bored or annoyed with you, it is not unusual to see them interlock their fingers and twiddle their thumbs. You might also see them steeple their fingertips together and raise them in front of their chest and under their chin while conveying their opinions in a know-it-all attitude. This body language is usually accompanied by a backward tilt of the head, giving them a snob-like air.
They may point at you when speaking to further display a sense of superiority over you. If you get too close and invade their space, or if they want to emphasize a point, don’t be surprised to see them aggressively pointing a finger in front of you.
It’s not uncommon to see Know-It-Alls with a condescending smirk or a phony, forced, tight-lipped grin. This false smile is an expression of their disrespect as they look down at you. In fact, you may see them lift their chin and literally look down their nose at you when speaking.
You may see them partially close their eyes, raise their eyebrows, and purse their lips in an attempt to cut you off and down. Not looking directly at you allows them to further objectify you and continue their condescending, abusive way of communicating.
If you confront them, don’t be surprised if you see them roll their eyes, indicating disgust and annoyance that you would dare question or talk back to them. This is often accompanied by a backward jerk of their head, which means they have literally been taken aback. You may notice their eyes darting around the room, seeking out people more interesting and important than you. In a restaurant, they may speak to people at neighboring tables while ignoring you.
This toxic type can fool a number of people for a long time. Cheating Liars tend to be extremely complimentary toward you. Even if you don’t initially believe what they say, they are so convincing that you eventually start believing them. They constantly feed your ego, so you want to be around them. They are usually overly friendly when they first meet you, behavior that is typical of con men and women.
The flip side of their feel-good banter is they can direct it toward others at a moment’s notice. Just as great as they make you feel through their words, they do the same to others who fall into their seductive clutches.
One way that Cheating Liars are able to turn the tables on you is through the vocal tones they use to manipulate you, which are usually low, gentle, slow, and seductive.
If you accuse them of flirting or cheating, don’t be surprised when they turn the tables on you and try to make you think you’re the one with the problem or that you must have imagined what you think you saw. With their amazing ability to twist your words, they know exactly what to say to turn the conversation to their favor.
More dangerous liars, for example, con men and women or sociopaths, have a distinct voice quality and speech characteristics that are described below. With cheating con men and women, they tend never to miss a beat when you catch them in a lie. They engage in circumlocution (“beating around the bush”) or they turn the course of the conversation as though nothing had happened. They remain unflappable even after they have been busted. They will simply and casually change the subject.
One way that Cheating Liars are able to turn the tables on you is through the vocal tones they use to manipulate you, which are usually low, gentle, slow, and seductive. They know how to create a sensuous breathiness when speaking. Because they often harbor a great deal of vocal tension as a result of distorting or hiding the truth, their throat muscles can easily tighten up. Because of the discomfort in their throat, you will regularly hear them clearing their throat as they engage in lies.
Additionally, you will hear breaks in the pitch of their voice as their vocal muscles tense up in the midst of their lies. The pitch of their voice may also go up, which is the result of the muscle tension in their vocal cords.
Cheating Liars tend engage in a lot of fast, energetic talking, especially when they are about to initiate a con.
Cheating Liars shrug their shoulders, shuffle their feet, rotate their feet inward for a pigeon-toed posture, tilt their head to the side, hide their hands as they speak, fidget, and rock back and forth to express their uneasiness—or do the opposite by sitting or standing perfectly still and appearing rigid. When sitting, they also tend to place their hands on their lap without moving them.
When they first meet you, they usually invade your space right away, getting physically close to let you know they like you and are interested in what you do and say. They may “accidentally” brush up against you and let their touch linger to further demonstrate their interest. Because most Cheating Liars feel comfortable in their own bodies, there is no doubt that their relaxed stance makes others feel comfortable around them.
Whether male or female, they may assume a sexual posture by rolling their shoulders back and exposing their torso to elicit more attention from the opposite sex. To further attract attention, Cheating Liars may play with their hair, put their fingers on their lips, rub their hands or arms, and hug or hold on to themselves for no apparent reason. These forms of self-stimulation give them a sense of physical comfort.
If you ask them a direct question, such as, “Were you with Bob last night?” they’ll often rub, knead, or scratch any part of their body. In doing so, they comfort themselves and give themselves physical relief. The more unnerved and uncomfortable they feel, the more you’ll see these gestures. Finally, they may speak to you with their palms up, giving the impression that they are begging you to believe them as they try to explain away their lie.
When Cheating Liars want to reel in their prey, they never want to lose eye contact, and they know how to hold a gaze beyond the normal two to three seconds. They tilt their head in the direction of their victim, nod with approval whenever the other person speaks—whether or not they agree—and mirror that person’s facial expressions.
They also tend to exhibit a number of other seductive facial movements, including smiling in a relaxed way, showing their upper teeth, combining a sexy lip pout with a fixed gaze, and lightly licking their lips. You will notice their non-blinking, lying eyes and tight-lipped, phony smile. They’ll blink excessively when confronted and often place their fingers over their lips while they speak.
Controlling Bullies are verbally belligerent, constantly spewing hostile words and phrases, and always ready for verbal warfare. Because their mantra is “my way or the highway,” challenging them will usually be met with a tirade of screaming, shouting, and interrupting.
They think nothing of abusing you with a barrage of degrading curse words. They use controlling phrases such as, “I’m going to let you,” “I’ll allow you,” or “I’ll give you my permission to.” They also tell you what they won’t allow you to do by saying: “I don’t want you to,” “I forbid you to,” or “You can’t.” They are basically speaking to you as if you were a disobedient child.
Some Controlling Bullies will allow you to do what you want to do as long as it conforms to their rules. For example, they may say, “You can visit your mother, but only if you are back before dinner.” They are highly critical of what you look like, how you dress, where you go, what you do, what you eat, and how much money you spend, even if you are the breadwinner. They’ll try to control all of your basic freedoms, often threatening you if you try to assert yourself, by making warning statements such as, “You don’t want to see me angry.” You should take these threats seriously because they usually mean what they say.
There is an alarmist vocal quality with this toxic type, as though there is always impending danger. And there is! Controlling Bullies often possess such hostility toward themselves and others that it can’t help but come out in their voice. They try to intimidate you through a rapid-fire, clipped, booming voice, making hard, glottal attacks when speaking, and communicating in contemptuous tones.
When you don’t obey them or they feel like they are losing control, their tones get louder as they get angrier, and they don’t care who hears them yell. Their main concern is for you to obey and not challenge them. You’ll rarely hear an upward inflection that would indicate a request; instead, you’ll only hear harsh, loud, demanding barks as they take sadistic pleasure in making you squirm.
Their body language reflects the same harshness and anger you hear in their voice and speech patterns. Controlling Bullies have an aggressive body stance, and they appear to lunge forward when sitting, standing, or walking. They may also invade your personal space as a way of intimidating you.
Their handshake and touches aren’t gentle, but rather firm, hard, or even hurtful. They use a lot of arm movement, frequently point their finger at you, or, if you are in an intimate relationship, grab you physically when making a point. Because they tend to be angry at you and the world, they will close their fists to forcefully emphasize what they’re saying to you.
Their tense facial expression typically includes a furrowed brow, a narrow gaze in which they almost close their eyes as they peer at you, a hard stare, and flared nostrils. Their lips are usually pursed tightly, even when they’re listening. When they speak, they tend to do so with a closed jaw, indicating inner anger and hostility. As another sign of aggression, they tend to thrust their lower jaw forward.
If they are very angry, you’ll see rapid eye blinking, forceful breathing through flared nostrils, a flushed face, and eyes opened wide, showing you the whites of their eyes all around the iris. If you see these facial signals, get out of their way because they may cause you great harm.
Backstabbing Manipulators are quick to give you their unsolicited opinions on how to run your life. Highly opinionated and undiplomatic, they speak in critical, bold, and blunt terms. Common words and phrases include: “You should,” “Why don’t you,” “Don’t do” or “Do,” “You must,” and “You better.” They have the keen ability to twist your words and turn what you say against you by using confusion tactics. Often accusatory, they’ll insist you said something you never said, mean something you never meant, or felt something you never felt as they exaggerate or misinterpret your words and actions. You can’t defend yourself, set the record straight, or explain what you meant because they will insist you said something and tell you what you meant.
They also can be charming if they want, which adds to their credibility when trying to turn others against you or turn you against others. They’ll think nothing of betraying someone’s confidences, including yours. They’ll throw secrets you have shared with them back at you, just to rile you or make you feel insecure. In fact, they thrive on this type of toxic behavior.
They are also huge gossips—as a means of amusing themselves and gaining power over you. Their conversation consists mostly of saying negative things about others to you and vice versa. Rest assured that if they are constantly trashing others to you, they are trashing you to others.
They are also the master of the sarcastic quip and the backhanded compliment. They’ll say negative things about people to goad you into reacting so they can create drama and trouble.
Backstabbing Manipulators speak rapidly and in an alarmist fashion, as though there is an urgency to do something or impending danger. That’s how they get you to do what they want—by confusing you and inciting your emotions so you spring into action.
They may speak loudly, with a lot of dramatic animation, to generate excitement and hold your interest. They may also use hushed and breathy tones when gossiping or giving you “privileged” information—a secret for your ears only. They use these quiet tones as a means of control and manipulation.
They tend to invade your space, especially when giving you “privileged information.”
Being physically animated—pacing and using a lot of arm and hand motion—keeps you focused on them. The more they want to alarm you, the more animated they become. You will see this when they insist you take immediate action, turn your words around, or try to convince you that you said something you never said. When speaking, their head and body move around a great deal.
They use a lot of finger-pointing when they tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. It’s not uncommon to see them grip their thumb and fingertips together when they’re trying to make a point. They give you the impression that they are literally holding on to each and every word as they dole out just what they want you to hear and know.
Their tendency to speak negatively is usually reflected in their facial expression. That’s why you’ll often see a furrowed brow and tight lips. When they are trying to incite you, you’ll see a look of alarm on their face, with wide-open eyes and mouth. Because they know they’re provoking and manipulating or telling you things that may not be true, you may see considerable eye blinking or lip licking.
Because Self-Destructive Victims see themselves as sacrificial lambs, they consistently mention how much they have had to suffer and how they don’t feel worthy of good things and always expect bad things to happen.
Self-Destructive Victims are in tremendous emotional pain, which is why they sound so negative and feel so worthless. They want to destroy themselves and, unfortunately, they intend to take you with them.
Because they often hide their true feelings and inner pain, they will lash out by blaming themselves and others. When they lash out at themselves, you’ll usually hear them make self-disparaging remarks, such as how stupid they are or how “it’s just their luck” that everything bad happens to them. As they constantly complain and try to explain why things are so bad, they frequently refer to their past, which gives them an even bleaker view of their present and future.
They are master excuse makers for why things never work out for them or why they, in their current position, have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Any positive suggestion is met with a negative “yeah, but” for why things won’t work.
Because Self-Destructive Victims see themselves as sacrificial lambs, they consistently mention how much they have had to suffer and how they don’t feel worthy of good things and always expect bad things to happen. If you say something positive or encouraging, it will usually be met with a negative, self-abusive comment. They’ll either ignore your compliment or words of encouragement or tell you why you are wrong and how you don’t know what you are talking about.
In addition to blaming themselves, they are quick to blame everyone and everything for their hopeless situation. It is other people’s fault they are doing self-destructive things.
Because they don’t have much self-esteem and they feel their social and business relationships won’t work out anyway, you’ll often hear them say things that will purposely create hurtful feelings or provoke an argument at home and work. This is especially true when things are going well in their professional and personal relationships. They will immediately say something to mess it up and alienate others. Then they will admit it was their fault and tell you how they can never do anything right as a ploy to gain sympathy.
However, they’ll keep saying the same toxic things to cause disharmony at work and home because they don’t feel they deserve to be happy. They have a subconscious desire to destroy their most meaningful and important relationships.
If they are self-destructing with drugs or alcohol, be prepared for a barrage of rage and violence hurled at you in the form of cursing and unfounded, hateful accusations. Sadly, these verbal attacks are reflections of their self-hatred and inner agony.
Their voice usually sounds depressed, with a low-pitched monotone that is devoid of animation. In addition, the timbre of their voice may sound weak from time to time, depending on how victimized they feel at a particular moment. These vocal characteristics clearly reflect inner sadness and feelings of powerlessness.
Their voice is especially soft when describing how poorly they’ve been mistreated by others. When complaining or explaining, it’s not uncommon to hear a nasal whine, especially as their pitch goes up at the end of statements, making them sound vulnerable and victim-like. Without even listening to their words, the tone alone says, “Can you believe this is happening to poor me?”
Yelling and verbal abuse are not uncommon, especially if they are blaming you or someone else for their predicament. This is particularly evident if they have been drinking, doing drugs, or engaging in other self-destructive behaviors. You may also hear tonal swings that quickly shift from self-pitying whimpers to loud, jolting, and hateful thunderous tones.
Self-Destructive Victims often have poor posture with slouching shoulders, as though they are carrying the entire weight of the world. In assuming this posture, they tend to minimize themselves. You might also see them with arms folded across their chest as a subconscious means of self-protection. Their head is often bowed so they appear to be looking up when talking to others.
If you try to comfort or challenge them with suggestions for getting out of their victim state, they may respond with a restless, rocking back-and-forth motion. In addition, they often fidget, pick or bite their nails or fingers, or wring their hands.
Shuffling their feet or crossing and uncrossing their legs is also typical. To comfort themselves into feeling more secure, they may clasp their hands together or hold on to their arms or legs when listening or speaking.
They frequently take out their bad feelings on themselves by drinking, overeating, or using drugs, and they also take them out on other people or things. That’s why it’s not uncommon to see them drive recklessly, punch holes in walls, or even resort to physical violence toward others.
Their eyes tend to narrow when speaking because of muscle tension around their eyelids, brows, and forehead. Their lips are often tense, especially around the corners, indicating repressed anger and chronic sadness. When they feel uneasy and anxious, they frequently bite their lower lip. There is a consistent facial mask of tension and sadness. They will usually look down, maintain poor eye contact, and rotate their eyes downward to reflect shame. If they have been verbally abusive, they usually won’t look at you because they feel ashamed of their out-of-control behavior.
Spineless Wimps can’t confront anyone so they stray from any communication they perceive as challenging or uncomfortable. Because they can’t face direct communication, they usually avoid it by being silent, engage in circumlocution, or refuse to give you a straight answer.
They tend to be people of few words who choose their words carefully so as not to offend anyone. Because they are reluctant to commit to a single point of view, they tend to couch everything they say in preambles and present multiple points of view. These types are essentially “sheeple” (sheep + people) who follow the herd and do what everyone else does because they don’t have a mind of their own.
In an attempt not to make waves or offend, they become what they fear most: They become offensive by being evasive.
Spineless Wimps speak softly, and their sentences tend to die off at the end, making it difficult to hear them. Because they don’t want to make a mistake or say the wrong thing, they will speak slowly, measuring each word. There may be long pauses between words and phrases as they carefully think about what they will say before saying it. You can hear fear in their voice, which is characterized by tentative, hesitant tones, and they frequently repeat words and phrases. This vocal pattern reveals that they aren’t being totally honest or forthright with you. In attempting not to offend you, they won’t tell you the truth about what they are really thinking. Throat clearing is another giveaway that they are not being completely candid. You may also hear shakiness in the voice, especially when they are confronted or pressed to make a choice.
You will see a lot of head scratching when they are asked a question they don’t want to answer, indicating confusion and discomfort. And they usually have a weak or limp touch because they are afraid to make the first move.
Another display of insecurity and timidity is in their posture, which is often slouched, with shoulders positioned forward. They may rock back and forth when they feel uncomfortable.
It is not uncommon to see their toes turned inward, as if they’re pigeon-toed, which is a sign of resignation or submission. Arms folded across their chest or body, as a means of subconsciously protecting themselves from emotional discomfort, may also be evident. They may hold on to themselves or an object in order to “brace” themselves when confronted. A bowed head is another strategy for avoiding communication, and it reflects their submission.
When feeling intimidated, which is most of the time, Spineless Wimps will go to great lengths to avoid eye or face contact. They will look to the right, left, up, or down, anywhere but directly at you. If confronted or forced to make a decision, they will typically look down at their feet. There is often an expression of fear and tension on their face, reflected in their eyebrows being drawn together and forehead being furrowed. Lip biting and a retracted chin often indicate their lack of confidence and uneasiness. You may also see signs of their anxiety when they blush or blotches appear on their neck.
Selfish Narcissists don’t really care about what you have to say or anything you contribute to the conversation. Instead, they will keep talking until they are done.
Selfish Narcissists have an insatiable need to talk about themselves and receive praise. If these needs aren’t met, you’ll hear them fishing for compliments. They often make self-aggrandizing comments and ask you to agree with them, such as, “I’m brilliant, wouldn’t you agree?” Or they will tell you what great things others have said about them, both to reassure themselves and to let you know that others find them wonderful, beautiful, or sexy.
The words “I”, “me,” “myself,” and “mine” are most prevalent in their vocabulary. Whenever they use the word “you,” it is usually in the context of what you can do for them or how great you feel about them.
If the topic of conversation is not them, they become bored and lose interest. It’s difficult to have a dialogue with them because they seem to redirect almost everything back to themselves.
Selfish Narcissists don’t really care about what you have to say or anything you contribute to the conversation. Instead, they will keep talking until they are done. They are quick to change the subject or interrupt because they only want to talk about what interests them.
They speak with a sense of entitlement, and it is not uncommon to hear them exaggerate. Because they tend to be attracted to vulnerable types, over whom they can feel superior, they will often encourage their victim to talk about problems and will continue dealing with them only if they offer a huge amount of enthusiastic adulation and appreciation for what they are doing to help them. They are partial to those who have been traumatized because these people tend to feel needy and grateful when someone is there to help rescue them. If the traumatized victim starts to recover, stand on his or her own feet, and no longer needs their help, Selfish Narcissists are off to find their next victim—but not until they have berated the ungrateful victim for no longer adoring or praising them or needing their help. They emotionally punish anyone who lets them down or for a perceived slight.
Abusive comments such as, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be nowhere,” are usually followed by telling their victims how bad they are and making derogatory and belittling comments to them. They may pull out all of their verbal ammunition to debase and humiliate the “ungrateful” victim. They usually won’t let up until they have had the sadistic satisfaction of reducing the person to tears.
Because of their extreme need for attention, Selfish Narcissists will do whatever it takes to be noticed. That is why they usually speak in an obnoxious tone, whereby they speak and laugh loudly, all the while looking around to make sure people notice them.
Because Selfish Narcissists like to show off and need an audience, they tend to engage people by using a highly animated, over-the-top voice pattern, especially when in public. Their switch is almost always “on” as they try to impress you.
If they are not the center of attention, you’ll hear monotonous, short-clipped tones that indicate boredom. They may even yawn and sigh if they feel forced to listen to what they consider to be your verbal drivel. If they feel slighted or you aren’t giving them enough attention, they may start to raise their voice like a child, so everyone hears them and turns in their direction.
Because they are so enamored with themselves, they give off an air of confidence that is conveyed through their body with a straight, upright posture. Their head is usually tilted upward, which keeps their eyes in the proper alignment to see who’s looking at and noticing them.
When they speak to people about their one and only topic—themselves—you will see them leaning in to others. As soon as the topic veers away from them, you can visibly see them backing off and leaning away.
Selfish Narcissists tend to invade other people’s space and take up a lot of room when standing or sitting. To call attention to their presence, they will use a lot of hand and arm movements, and they think nothing of touching others to get them to focus on them. They have been known to throw tantrums, objects, and even their fists when they don’t get enough attention.
When their needs are met and they get enough attention, they’ll smile genuinely, with eyes crinkling and lips spread and relaxed. They seem to have a sparkle in their eye, and they light up when they feel acknowledged and appreciated. When not looking in the mirror, they maintain great eye and face contact with their “fans.” They will look directly at them and scan their faces for expressions of approval and adulation when talking about themselves. But if their adoring fans look away or lose interest, their happy smile immediately turns into a tight-lipped frown.
If Selfish Narcissists are not the topic of conversation, a glazed look of boredom will come over them, and they will visually disconnect. If they are in a relationship where they don’t receive constant attention and approval, their facial language will show anger, complete with knitted brow, furrowed forehead, and a narrowed, steely gaze.
Emotionless People are verbally stingy. They are people of few words who speak when spoken to. They are not ones to initiate conversations. Typically methodical and task-oriented, they keep things close to the vest, rarely betraying feelings or emotions. When confronted about their lack of expression, they’ll often respond with, “That’s just not me. I’m not that type of person,” “I’m not an emotional person,” “I don’t like to talk much,” or “I don’t talk about my feelings.” Because they don’t let you know how they feel, you’re always second-guessing them as they leave you feeling unsettled and unsure.
If you married an emotionless person thinking you can change him or her, you are wrong. That’s who they are and how they will stay. They can only change if they want to.
They will insist on showing love for you in ways that make them feel comfortable. They aren’t being abusive; that’s just who they are. If a man or woman is uncommunicative, withholds affection, or doesn’t respond to your emotions, it is mental and emotional cruelty and nothing less than abuse.
On the other hand, there are certain disorders, such as autism or Asperger’s syndrome, where this kind of uncommunicative behavior is not uncommon. Having such a disorder does not preclude someone from engaging in a meaningful, intimate relationship. There just has to be a great deal of awareness and acceptance on the part of the mate and willingness for the person with the disorder to participate in behavioral therapy to improve his or her communication skills.
Emotionless People usually speak in a monotone, which indicates detachment from you as they depersonalize you. Because they don’t use vocal animation, it’s impossible to decipher how they really feel. They are vocally repressed and have a tendency to be rigid and inflexible. They usually speak in clipped, mechanical tones and tend to hyper-articulate their words.
Their body language is usually rigid with ramrod, soldier-like postures and mechanical gestures. This tends to make others uncomfortable because they feel as though the emotionless person is judging them or doesn’t like them.
They make guarded movements and don’t often touch others. If they do touch or hug, it is usually stiff and awkward. You may see them cover their body by crossing their arms over their chest.
Their head is usually erect, another illustration of their defensiveness, protectiveness, and rigidity. They tend to angle their body away from you when hugging or kissing you, which suggests that they’re cutting you off from their affection. They may keep their hands on their lap or hold on to themselves when interacting with others to feel more secure and in control.
Emotionless People often have a blank or monotonous facial expression. Their jaw is usually rigid and the chin is retracted, which indicates, in a primitive sort of way, that they are on the lookout for physical or emotional threats. They have poor eye contact, if any at all.
They frequently display a tight, controlled smile. If they feel threatened or uncomfortable, you’ll see tension in their facial muscles. If they happen to kiss you, their kisses are often quick, tight-lipped, and perfunctory.