DAY 110: GET-YOUR-FREAK-ON FRIDAY
Playing the Submissive

In DS or BDSM games, the submissive is really in control. Nothing happens that she (or he) doesn’t want. When dominant partners “push the limits” of their subs, watch carefully so that the experience doesn’t turn into abuse.

Fueled by porn, the Internet, and powerful women looking for a good spanking, sex has become kinkier since I wrote Kink: The Hidden Sex Lives of Americans more than a decade ago. But don’t play the submissive with strangers. Trust is the foundation of the game.

The dominant does the hard work. To play submissive for a night, first “surrender” control—putting your torment, and pleasure, in the hands of your partner, who is very clear on what you want. Some subs don a collar to signify they are ready to be dominated. Others say, “Do with me what you will, Master/Mistress.” Settle on a signal or declaration.

Dress the part. For her, precariously high heels, a bra with the nipples cut out to facilitate the use of nipple clamps, and a waist-cinching garment to restrict her breathing somewhat and cause her genitals and breasts to swell. For him, a leather jockstrap or tight silk thong to show off his package. For both, leather or Velcro wrist and ankle bands, a blindfold, and a gag (optional).

Don’t be afraid to use your safe word to halt or slow the game.

Realize the power of the submissive, and let it flash occasionally from your downcast eyes.

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