Ten
“I would like to tie you down to this bed,” he said thickly, “and tease, tantalize, and otherwise titillate your fair young body until you scream for mercy. The only kind of pain I have in mind—beyond the occasional pinch or scratch we’ve already tried—is the sweet agony of wanting to come so badly you can’t see straight or remember your name.”
Her busy hand paused, and she grinned suddenly. “That does sound more interesting than scrambled eggs and coffee. I just don’t know if I understand the tying-up part.”
—SPIDER ROBINSON1
The practice of bondage is a blank slate upon which almost any sexual interest or practice may be chalked. Although “whips and chains” is the alleged sine qua non of S/M, there are as many bondage enthusiasts who are repelled by sadomasochistic activities as there are masochists who dislike restraint.
In this chapter we include a variety of interviewees who embrace bondage in their erotic repertoires. We hear again from Cléo Dubois and feature five profiles:
• Gene is 41 years old and married. He is an engineer.
• Michael V. is 38 years old. He was born in Europe and works in computers. He and Slave V. live together.
• Slave V. is 38 years old. She writes a column for Bondage Pleasures magazine.
• Robin Young is a 21-year-old computer programmer who lives and works in the Bay Area. He is single.
• John H. is 28 years old. He is an electrical engineer.
Bondage is the sensual experience of safe captivity. To be in bondage is to have no options but to accept one’s physical helplessness.
[When you’re effectively bound] you can think of escaping, but eventually, if you try to escape and realize that you cannot, then a switch goes off in the mind. You have to accept.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
Our research suggests that women and men equally experiment with bondage. Many couples use bondage as a playful, occasional aspect of lovemaking, while enthusiasts explore scenarios intensively and sometimes independently of other erotic activities. It is essential to note, however, that bondage can entail significant physical risks. Virtually every form of bondage places unusual stress on the body. A keen understanding of all potential risks and safeguards to deter any possible injury must precede all experimentation.
Given the extreme range of motivations and activities, bondage is best defined by its simplest component: restraint.
I remember just holding women very tightly and it seemed like their sexual tension would heighten. The degree that it would increase always intrigued me. It just felt so much better, and that’s what I gravitated toward.
—MICHAEL V.
The ways of incorporating bondage into intimacy are virtually endless.
… I have studied so-called “bondage” or the playing of “restraint games,” in which one partner ties up the other with greater or less elaboration and then excites them, as it were, solo. The original aim was to determine what to say about this in a popular counselling book: it appeared with surprising frequency not only as a fantasy in both sexes, but as a “required” skill among sexual sophisticates comparable to proficiency in oral sex, and a frequent ingredient in marital histories.
—ALEX COMFORT2
The act of restraining a partner during sex is older than humanity. While an absolute parallel is misleading, the urge to restrain is common in the natural world. An incalculable number of species exhibit some type of restraint during coupling: Tomcats grip their mates’ skin in their teeth, and higher primates engage in complex patterns of ritual submission and dominance. But only humans have advanced bondage into a multifarious erotic art.
There’s bondage that pulls you apart—like racks and suspension, upside-down suspension, and stuff that tugs on your limbs. There’s bondage that stretches, and bondage that pulls things together. There’s bondage that isolates you, like sensory deprivation, and bondage which connects you. Constriction is another sort of bondage. I got to understand that corsets are linked with bondage: it pushes, belts, and tightens things.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
The Koka Shastra (circa 12th Century) describes the women of Andhra as premanibandhanaikanipunaa, which Alex Comfort suggests may be translated as “skilled in sexual bondage.”3 Bondage appeared in the ars erotica of both Japan and China. The Chinese sex manuals virtually disappeared under the influence of Confucianism, but the bondage tradition survived in Japan. Depictions of bound women remain a theme of contemporary Japanese pornography and inspire modern-day Westerners.
I like to do a fair amount of rope bondage. I think the style that I do looks very artistic. It’s somewhat Japanese with intricate patterns. What’s nice about it is it really seems to bring out the best of the woman.
—MICHAEL V.
Because of Christianity’s long suppression of eros in the West and the inescapable problems of interpreting classic texts, it is difficult to locate unambiguous historical references to erotic bondage in European history. One can, for example, find numerous quotes in Roman writings which suggest—but do not confirm—that erotic bondage was known. History is, however, rife with examples of people being bound for inhumane purposes. Torture devices such as iron maidens (sarcophagi lined with interior metal spikes) or branks (metal head cages, often with sharp mouthpieces) used by the Inquisitors of medieval Europe are the most infamous examples.
Lack of documented bondage for pleasure in the Western world suggests faulty reporting, not a lack of pleasurable bondage.* The historical accounts of flagellation brothels (circa 17th to 19th centuries) show that patrons enjoyed being bound for whippings. Pulleys to suspend patrons were a common furnishing and Theresa Berkley’s “horse”—an adjustable whipping rack available at the madam’s establishment—accommodated restraints. All the early sexologists cited numerous case studies of patients who expressed interest in binding or being bound. But the pervasiveness of bondage fantasies was nearly overlooked in favor of other components of clients’ fantasies, such as fetishism.
Although early 20th Century movie serials such as The Perils of Pauline, in which the heroine frequently found herself tied to the inevitable railroad tracks, may have incited some fantasies, bondage as an erotic art was largely fostered in this century by the works of two men, Irving Klaw and John William Koutts, a.k.a. John Willie. Klaw photographed women tied in various positions to various pieces of furniture in various stages of dress and undress (though never nude). His most famous model, Betty Page, has been likened to an American icon and remains a model for contemporary bondage styles. Though Miss Page retired from modeling in mid-career and became a born-again Christian, her pin-up persona has made her a cult figure to new generations of bondage fans, many of whom are particularly inspired by photos that depict her as sexually dominant. Images of Miss Page are now widely disseminated on-line and marketed in calendars, videos, and books. Willie was as well known for his cartoons of Sweet Gwendoline as for his photographs: Gwendoline’s misfortunes generally resulted in bondage in some helpless and humiliating pose.
Alex Comfort theorized that bondage “seems to owe its current popularity to the fact that the available pornography of a whole generation of American men was produced by [these] two preoccupied bondage enthusiasts.”4 With an eye to prevailing censorship standards, Klaw and Willie limited themselves to depictions of bondage and discipline alone.
Although all bondage enthusiasts can be said to be D&Sers in that the bound party is necessarily submissive (if only physically and temporarily) to his partner, there are two groups within the world of bondage: D&Sers who enjoy bondage and bondage enthusiasts who do not engage in any other D&S activities.
The second facet of sadomasochism is known as bondage, wherein the masochistic partner is tied up or restricted in various positions and by various means according to the protagonist’s tastes. Of course, minor tie-and-tease activities are carried out from time to time by many sex partners without any colouring of sadomasochism being formally involved.
—CHRISTOPHER C. GOSSELIN5
Harmony Communications, Inc., a California-based company which specializes in bondage erotica, has popularized the concept of love bondage. This friendly fantasy play usually involves very comfortable restraint whose main object is typically to heighten erotic tension, usually as foreplay to lovemaking.
The materials we produce are carefully and, we think, obviously designed for men AND women to whom bondage is an important mutual diversion, a recreational and benevolent experience, a fantasy with a happy ending, a good-natured game in which everybody wins. We do not characterize victims; we characterize lovers who are mutually involved in a complex and bizarre but highly stimulating personal activity.6
Adherents of the Harmony philosophy rarely if ever consider themselves S/Mers; indeed, some are vehemently opposed to directly sadomasochistic activities such as whipping, spanking, or other intense stimuli. Instead, a satisfying bondage session may be limited to sensuously teasing sensations (gentle pinches or love bites, light tickling, sexual arousal).
The main thing for me is to be tied up and restrained and then teased. For instance, if my partner will masturbate me until just before I come to orgasm, then stop, then return a few minutes later, and masturbate me again, then stop—for me, it’s like an out-of-body experience.
—GENE
For sadomasochists, bondage is often one component of erotic play, although many do seek bondage-only experiences. During bondage, intense stimuli may be delivered to (or normal sensation withheld from) the bound form; the bondage itself may be uncomfortable. And the power relationship that fuels the bondage extends to other activities (or into a lifestyle).
Proponents of love bondage are extremely concerned about making a distinction between the loving, gentle type of play they perceive as their ultimate pleasure and the play they perceive as sadomasochistic. (Not unlike spankers, as discussed in the following chapter.) In fact, the two groups have so much in common that when it comes to a discussion of styles, techniques, and emotional rewards, one is hard-pressed to ascertain their true differences. Since, however, D&S is as much a matter of intention as of implementation, it is fair to say that the two groups have fundamentally different approaches. Each group is a bit baffled by, and often a bit critical of, the other.
Bondage rituals that are unassociated with other elements of s/m often puzzle those not involved, for it is hard to see what either partner gets out of them once restriction has been completed: There seems little one can do to continue the ritual and little for the “victim” to experience beyond the continuing feeling of immobilisation.
—CHRISTOPHER C. GOSSELIN7
All bondage scenarios are variations on the theme of captivity. A very high percentage of our interviewees believes that these interests began in the games of their childhoods, such as cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, or Houdini escapes.
The diversity of adult captivity fantasies should not be underestimated: One man may fantasize that he has been kidnapped by a sexually frustrated woman who “has her way” with him, while the next prefers steel shackles and imagines himself to be a prisoner. Partners’ responses to restraints are similarly diverse. Some enjoy struggling, whether to pretend that they are attempting escape, to test the security of their bonds, or to test the patience of their dominants.
A significant number of enthusiasts practice self-bondage. They devise often-iconoclastic methods of tying themselves up in private, often because they do not feel comfortable in divulging their interest to others or fear that their partners would disapprove. Others simply prefer the singular thrill of autoeroticism.
Enthusiasts love to be bound for many reasons, but perhaps the great thrill of bondage rests on a fundamental enigma: Erotic bondage induces psychic liberation.
A lot of people want bondage. I had a friend who said that when the ropes are on the outside, the ropes on the inside get loose. [In other words]: When you’re tied up, you can be free. I really understand that dynamic. If you’re tied up, you’re no longer responsible. Bondage gives you permission to let go. It’s a paradox: If you are helpless, you are actually freer.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
Being physically bound in a mutually consensual context gives bondage aficionados permission to experience their sexuality freely—a permission that they may not otherwise be able to give themselves because of upbringing or sexual mores. While bound they cannot control the erotic stimulation that they receive, and, perhaps just as important, they cannot control or conceal the arousal that they feel.
Bondage is, in this respect, an antidote to sexual repression: When the physical restraints are in place, the mental restraints are lifted.
Everybody’s got defense mechanisms. When the woman goes into bondage, she’s surrendering all that. [So] one of the things I like to introduce then is sexual play. They get more turned on than they’ve ever been turned on before.
—MICHAEL V.
The period of bondage is a time when responsibilities are removed—foremost among them the responsibility for sexual response. The submissive’s responses are stirred and manipulated at the binder’s whim (although dominants generally confine play to stimuli they believe to be exciting for their partners). The bound partner is also relieved of larger obligations; thoughts about housework, career, and finances dissolve.
There is a peace and tranquility that comes over me while I am in bondage that I know at no other time. I am relieved of all responsibility. It is the only time when I cannot have the little voice in me that says, “You’ve got laundry to do, and you really should clean up your desk …” If I’m tied up, I’m not expected to do any of that and can relax.
—SLAVE V.
Many people enjoy bondage because the physical immobilization is psychologically relaxing.
Doing sessions in Silicon Valley, I work with an incredible amount of computer people: A lot of them need gags. They can’t relax until they wear a gag or a blindfold, because then they have to shut up, and they can’t see anymore. I use bondage as a way of bringing people into themselves, into their sexuality, inward to themselves.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
Others simply enjoy having comfortable restrictions imposed on their bodies.
I definitely play with power exchange, [but] for me, restraint isn’t about trying to get away: It’s about comfort. If I play with somebody whose image of a bottom play partner is that she tries to get away, it’s a real conflict. If I try to get away, I start feeling like something’s wrong. Maybe on an intellectual level I can be a challenging bottom, but I’m not into the physical challenge of trying to get away.
—VICTORIA B.
During bondage the body may be fixed in a position it would otherwise be difficult to impossible for any but Eastern yogis to hold. The effect of this forced physical inertia is comparable to the focus and relaxation of doing Zen yoga.
Changing the body’s relationship to gravity is another component of bondage. This is more directly addressed during suspension bondage, the practice of hoisting a partner so that most of his or her weight is off the ground. Suspension is a particularly risky form of bondage play which can result in serious injury.
Suspension bondage elicits in the bindee a primal helplessness. Not only is the body deprived of balance, but its relationship to gravity is altered as it floats aloft, evoking the weightlessness of the womb. Safely cradled by secure bonds, floating—and, in some cases with the eyes, ears, and other sensory organs blocked—the person may embark on a profound adventure into tranquility and body focus. Such focus is a key component of any successful bondage experience.
When I’m restrained, my body is effectively taken away from me, and my mind focuses very clearly. All the sensations and everything that happens jump out of my control. I’m very aware of what’s happening to me and all the sensations are heightened.
—GENE
Bondage for me is a sense heightener. It enhances my awareness of my body; it’s a pleasurable stimulant to want to move and not be able to.
—ROBIN YOUNG
Since erotic tension may be intensified during the bondage, sexual gratification is often an ultimate goal.
I like to think that there is definitely some sex as a result of [the bondage]. You build up so much sexual energy there, and you need a release. It’s definitely nice.
—MICHAEL V.
Sexual release, however, is less important to the person for whom bondage itself is a chief source of erotic pleasure, and for many the spiritual aspect of bondage is as important as the erotic. When the bondage assumes hypnotic intensity, the bound partner may feel as if he is making a deeply private journey.
Sensory deprivation (the use of gags, blindfolds, earplugs, and other sensory blocks) in particular helps to isolate the bound person from mundane realities.
[In] sensory deprivation, the bottom might go on a journey and enter a trance state or just a state of deep relaxation. It can also bring you into what people have referred to as an altered state of life, a life transfer. Even an erotic scene can become a journey. The bottom may think he is going to have an orgasm, but instead the experience may become shamanic.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
For some people the inherent risks of bondage and the unpredictability of the outcome seem to add to its allure.
I think there’s a certain amount of fear involved in bondage. [During self-bondage] you fantasize all kinds of things that could happen: What if there was a fire? What if someone walked in? What if I had a heart attack? Fortunately, none of those things have happened, but I’ve spent a number of hours contemplating [the] possibilities.
—GENE
Humiliating or embarrassing bondage is another compelling feature for some enthusiasts.
Embarassing bondage, to most people, is bondage that exposes their private parts. Bondage that puts their anus or genitals higher than their head. Bondage that reverses the polarity: You’re not supposed to show your genitals or your ass.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
The pleasure in humiliating bondage may be related to freedom from sexual repression. In humiliating bondage, body taboos are shattered: The helplessly bound partner has no choice but to expose intensely private zones that he would otherwise be socially obligated to conceal. D&Sers may be particularly inclined to engage in erotic coercion to place the submissive in some embarrassing pose in order to heighten the bondage’s sexual charge.
Bondage has been elevated to an art among practitioners and for this reason teems with technical details—proper knots, secure and snug equipment, and safety devices to ensure that a partner can be quickly released in case he experiences panic or severe discomfort. Safe, pleasurable bondage is an act of love and trust. For many couples the knowledge that the dominant will not violate the trust of the person in bonds, that the submissive’s physical and emotional well-being is a first priority, and that helplessness can be experienced with the explicit intent of mutual pleasure is for them the highest and most liberating affirmation of romantic love.
Hundreds (and possibly thousands) of types and styles of restraints are available today. Before listing the common types of restraints used by D&Sers, it’s essential that the reader understand that every type of bondage, without exception, carries some safety risk. Improper use of allegedly harmless—or small-scale—equipment, unsupervised restraint, or undue stress to the body can have serious, even fatal, consequences. It’s also important to remember that what is intensely arousing for one person may be utterly terrifying to another.
The different types of bondage reflect different erotic interests and have different purposes. While some sexually adventurous lovers may wish only to flirt with silk scarves or satin cuffs, more experienced D&Sers are likely to crave extremely secure and confining restraint. We essay here to describe only basic categories of equipment. Although many bondage fans are satisfied by rudimentary bonds (such as clothesline, rope, or chains), others devote their leisure and financial resources to constructing or acquiring extraordinarily sophisticated equipment. There are innumerable pieces of equipment of unique design, many of which will never be seen by anyone but their inventors.
While handcuffs are commonly believed to be the ne plus ultra of bondage, among cognescenti metal restraints are much less popular than leather ones. Those willing to invest in their pleasures purchase thickly padded wristcuffs from adult shops or buy hospital restraints from medical-supply companies to ensure a comfortable and adjustable fit—particularly handy if the partners switch roles. Cheap metal handcuffs can be dangerous; the possibility of a broken lock or skin abrasion is disenchanting to discreet and safety-minded D&Sers. Handcuffs, fetters, shackles, and other metal devices are largely the purview of those who have a particular interest in such equipment per se or of those whose fantasies center on police, prison, or military scenarios.
Although wrist and ankle restraints come in a plethora of materials (from silk and satin to leather, chain, and steel), leather is usually preferred. Erotic emporia carry leather restraints that can link extremities in a variety of combinations: wrist-to-wrist, wrists-to-ankles, ankle-to-ankle, wrists-to-neck, wrists-to-waist, wrists-to-thighs, and variations on these themes. Also popular are spreader bars, which force the limbs to remain separated. A wide selection of leather (or metal) collars of varying widths and rigidity are also popular.
The person who likes lengthy, comfortable bondage may choose bondage wear—modified, restrictive clothing or undergarments. Esoteric bondage dresses or suits manufactured by foreign fetish tailors and which secure the arms to the torso are prized. Torso or full-body harnesses (a series of leather straps, often decorated with metal rings to which other bondage devices can be attached); genital harnesses, pouches, gloves, rings, clamps, and weight devices; and corsets, which compress the body, are all popular. Many small-scale restraints can be (and are) worn, undetected, even beneath an investment banker’s conservative suit.
Some bondage fans like mummification, the practice of completely immobilizing the body by creating a kind of bondage coccoon.
Although the stressful positions beloved of s/m pornography are seldom indulged in for long except by some aficionados, complete immobilisation is commonplace and is frequently completed by the use of gag and/or blindfold.
—CHRISTOPHER C. GOSSELIN8
While straitjackets or full-body suits with copious belts and buckles are available, they are prohibitively expensive for most. Thus, household items (such as plastic wrap) or latex sheeting may be used to sheathe the body from toe to neck.
Chastity belts, once the scourge of fair ladies wed to errant knights, are now designed for both sexes.
One of my enjoyments is enforced chastity—to make or to get very interesting chastity belts, one of which I have.
—JOHN H.
Technology has yielded marvels of chastity engineering that allow comfortable wear over long periods of time. Lightweight, playful chastity belts may resemble little more than chain G-strings, but an array of expensive, hygienic, comfortable (and rustproof) devices are custom-made. Some belts prevent defecation; many prohibit erection. Female arousal is ungovernable by a belt, but chastity devices thwart any possibility of penetration. Variations on chastity belts may feature plugs inserted into the orifice(s) of either gender, but these cannot usually be worn for very long.
Large-scale bondage equipment includes racks, tables, benches, and cages as well as complex hoists for suspension bondage. Also popular is the bondage swing, a seat usually made of leather or canvas, which is suspended and to which the bound party may be tied or chained.
[On] New Tear’s Eve Cybele had me in a sling at a party and was swinging me by the balls—I don’t want readers to imagine something horrific here! But with a gentle to-and-fro motion you can do a whole lot of swinging. The testicles are very sensitive, but they’re also very strong, and it is—at least in the context of this relationship—a very useful way to get me to go under.
—JAMES W.
Whipping posts and St. Andrew’s crosses (also known as X frames) are large, usually wooden apparatuses to which restraints are attached. Stocks—familiar from the American Colonial era—also come in a variety of styles.
As discussed above, sensory deprivation is the blocking off of sensory organs. While many lovers are satisfied to experiment with a scarf draped loosely over a partner’s eyes, a wide variety of blindfolds exist for the more adventuresome. The most popular type is made of leather with fleecy lining to protect the eyes. Earplugs are usually impromptu affairs; multiple styles of gags, dental blocks, and bits can be purchased at specialty shops. Sensory deprivation is a high-risk activity. Damage to intraocular fluid dynamics or optic nerves, interference with swallowing function, and difficulty in communicating discomfort are only a few of the potential hazards. Many dominants give their bound partners a safety gesture to use in order to signal discomfort when they cannot speak.
Finally, almost inextricably linked to sensory deprivation is its antithesis: sensory overload. Some gags or hoods, for example, contain small holes so that the dominant may feed the submissive fluids or food. Some submissives wear headphones and listen to the music or soothing sounds that the dominant imposes. Even aromatherapy may be incorporated by means of breathing tubes.
Many [people] who like bondage know that when you’re tied up, you can let the sensation—whatever it may be: embarrassing, nonembarassing, erotic, “slutty”—come out, because, as far as your mind is concerned, you’re helpless. You can fight it, but eventually you have to go with it. The same is true of pain. I find bondage to be very helpful in accepting the input; you can travel with it.
In my experience [bondage] is not really for the kind of submissive that would do as he or she is told without bondage. It is for people who will put up resistance—sassy masochists, smart-ass masochists—until it is proven to them through the bondage that it’s useless to resist. Their minds say, “Oh! Why in the world am I putting all my energy into fighting this? It’s going to happen anyway. Click!” Then they relax and usually get very turned on, because it’s a deep erotic state. Their attention really goes into their body.
I do all kinds of bondage. I do a lot of rope bondage. I do a lot of leather bondage, using all kinds of leather straps. I do Betty Page-type bondage. I do bondage that takes people’s body shape and body limitations, fears and phobias into consideration. I do all kinds of different bondage tricks. Bondage grows on you. Somebody starts [out] only wanting their hands behind their back; three years later they might be really interested in being completely restrained, not being able to move anything.
I advertise sensory deprivation. People call and ask, “Do you have a body bag? Do you have [an] inflatable hood?” And I say, “Yes, I do.” As far as I can tell, most people into sensory deprivation are also interested in sensory overload. I take away as many senses as I can and then, if it’s appropriate, overload one sense. I’ll start at the top. Earplugs. Blindfold. Gag. Hood. Inflatable hood. Sometimes inflatable hoods with breathing tubes. Posture collar to control the head, the neck, the body. Mummification, with Saran Wrap or an Ace bandage-type wrap. Body bags. All the bondage is put on the body beforehand—it could be tight rope bondage up and down the body. Then a body bag on top of it. Or Saran Wrap. Suspension—suspension is always close to the ground but lifted off the floor. Disorientation. Upside-down suspension. Floating suspension. Those are the things I’m talking about when I use the phrase “sensory deprivation.”
If I use sensory overload, it could mean electricity play, piercing: a specific point of “overloadment.” I [might] run electricity to the genital area. It could be a heavy whipping, but if people get into a quiet fantasy, I seldom do a heavy whipping [then]. [I might try] sensations of different kinds on the genitals if the session is going to get erotic. If I see the person getting turned on—[and] with a male it’s very easy to see—then I [may] either poke a hole in the Saran Wrap or [give] some specific sensation [to] the nipples or the genital area. Or I might not.
For suspension bondage, I have two winches. I use a lot of rope work in suspension. It supports the body at different points so the body weight is as well distributed as possible. I [may] use suspension bars to lift people off the ground by cuffs [secured around their ankles]. I can use two suspension bars and lift them by their feet and hands; one needs the proper cuffs. The middle of the body is tied to rigging made of heavy rope. It is a lot of work. One should also use an appropriate piece of equipment, such as one we call a “panic snap.” If you use regular hardware [for suspension], if somebody fainted, you’d have to lift them off! With a panic snap you do not have to lift the weight in order to let [the person] down. There’s all kinds of safety equipment.
I consider myself submissive. It’s a closely guarded secret shared only between me and my wife. My wife is a fairly vanilla person and not very interested in this, but because she loves me and we have a good marriage, she engages in practices with me. Basically, I like to be tied up and held in bondage during sex, in various positions. My wife helps me with this. Oftentimes, if our children are away, we’ll do this all evening.
If all my dreams came true, then my wife, whom I love, would be more interested in such activities. I think if she had her druthers, this is one part of me that she’d probably want to move out. She’s happy with meeting demands as a lover, except for being very dominant. We’ve got a lot of years together, but she can’t cultivate an interest in it, and I can’t make my interest in it go away. It was a problem before in that when we had regular arguments, instead of arguing about money or picking up socks, two or three times she used this as ammunition against me. Finally, I said, “That’s me. If we’re going to stay together, you’re going to have to accommodate it.” Although she didn’t agree with it then, over time I think she has just come to the conclusion that that is me, that it’s part of my personality.
My first bondage experience was sometime around second grade. We were playing cowboys and Indians with a group of kids. I was captured and tied to a pole, with my hands behind my back. The other kids ran off and more or less forgot about me for a while. I got a tremendous erection and couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t adjust it in my jeans there. I found that to be very stimulating, very exciting, even at that young age. Later the kids came back and they noticed. I was made the object of a lot of taunting and teasing. Eventually I was released, but that made a tremendous impact on my life. I spent a great deal of time fantasizing and trying to re-create that episode after that.
It was mainly a matter of child’s play throughout most of my life until I was married at 23. Then, having been married to my wife for a couple of years, I noticed in some [sexually-oriented] magazines that other people had these same desires. I showed it to my wife and asked her what she thought about it. She wasn’t very impressed, but over a period of time I was able to convince her to tie me up for sex. That was the first sexual experience that involved bondage that I engaged in. I found it very exciting, [but] at the time my wife didn’t.
I think she derives pleasure from it now in that when we’re engaged in these activities, in my submissive role, I do a lot to serve her and pleasure her. So, typically, we might start out with her tying me up for maybe an hour or so, then releasing me. Then I’ll give her a good massage and rub lotion on her feet and perform cunnilingus on her and do whatever I can to satisfy her, according to her dictates. Then later on, maybe tied again to the bed, spread-eagled, she’ll use me for her pleasure, which may involve sitting astride me, using my penis to satisfy her. Then after she’s had her orgasm, she may leave me again for a while and go about her business in the house and then eventually come back and jerk me off.
Some of the most exciting bondage has been bondage I’ve done to myself when traveling. If I’m going to be in a motel room for the night, I’ve devised a way to use an automatic timer switch with a combination lock. This may seem a little strange, but I tie myself to the bed and attach the automatic timer switch to the light. When the light goes out, I can’t see the combination lock. That’s the key to the whole system. For a period of time—two or three hours or more—I can’t get free. When the light comes back on, I can release myself. The backup is that eventually the sun will rise, and I can see at that point.
The most exciting point is after I’ve tied myself up and the light switch goes off: I realize that there’s no way to get free. I’ve been very careful at setting it up so that until I get light to see by, I am committed to that position. As I become sexually aroused, it’s difficult or impossible to do anything to satisfy myself.
The first time I did this to myself really sticks out in my mind because it was different and exciting. I built myself a timer switch. I spent a lot of time fantasizing and trying to decide just how this would be built. The first time I tried it I was home alone. I tied my ankles to the bed, and then made a couple loops in the headboard. I had two locks and managed to attach my arms so they were folded in front of me. I locked myself in position and had the timer set to go off in about half an hour, so I had plenty of time to sit there and think: Did I really want to do this, or not? I could have gotten free very easily. Eventually I heard the timer click, and the lights went off, and then I knew that decision had been taken away from me. I spent most of the night in that position.
My wife doesn’t relish the dominant role, so although I’m in a submissive posture, her attitude is one of pleasing. She wants to give me what I want and, frankly, I think what I want her to give me is what I don’t want. If I say, “Touch me,” that means “Don’t touch me.” If I say, “Untie me,” that means “Don’t untie me.” We can’t seem to get past that; she wants me to be happy. When I do this to myself, alone, where I can’t be untied, can’t be touched, and there’s no one there to try to please me, I have to live with the decision I made.
My most compelling fantasies are ones my wife is not privy to. I had a couple of homosexual experiences when I was younger and frankly quite enjoyed them. So I have various fantasies that involve both bondage and sex with another man. Also, I went to a fair one time, and I saw a sheep being led to a block. They put the sheep’s head into a collar, half metal and half leather, so that the sheep was held in place there. It could not move around while being examined by the judges. That device has been in my fantasies a number of times. These are fantasies I wouldn’t dare act on, because I have a position in the community.
That part of me that likes to be tied up is [not] so evil that it negates the good parts of me. It’s just part of me. At this stage of my life I don’t think it’s a bad part. It’s a troublesome part, and the reason it’s a troublesome part is because so many other people don’t understand or refuse to understand that it’s not a bad thing. Because of our culture in this country, these activities have been labeled as being bad, maybe even evil. As a result, I can’t share that part of myself with anyone. It’s even taking a hell of a risk to share it with my wife. I think it’d be a wonderful thing if I could share myself completely with my friends and the people around me. Maybe they then would be able to share themselves with me. I know that I work, play, and talk to people every day who have little secret corners in their lives that they can’t share with me. It may not be B&D, but, believe me, we all have secret corners. What a wonderful thing if they could share those secret corners with me and I could share mine with them. Then, who knows? We may find some common ground.
I’m straight. I enjoy all expressions of standard sex, but D&S [is] critical. I’m dominant, and I have to have that in my relationship, or else it is of no consequence. Vanilla sex is a very small aspect; D&S has been the major portion of my sexuality for the last 15 years.
I think there would be a lot fewer divorces if power roles were discussed early on. People ask things about the home they’d like to live in, about the foods they like, and various shared interests, but one very critical question is how the power is going to be shared in the relationship. I think this would solve a lot of people’s problems. If [one] said, “Well, basically I like to be in charge; I’m a dominant individual, and I want to do this,” [or] “I like being submissive, and I would like to do this,” you wouldn’t have people trying to make a car run on square tires.
In the past, during typical sexual encounters, where you’re screwing, you hold somebody’s arms over her head: Her response would increase, and my response would increase. I became more and more cognizant of that. There was an evolution: The ropes start coming out, and then cuffs and chains. When we were still playing cowboys and Indians, I always made sure to wind up on the side that was doing the tying and the chasing. I remember the thrill of that. One time, this one girl and I played the game a little further. At first she protested, and then she kept on coming back. I used some clothesline around her back. She liked it. I was the one who said, “We shouldn’t really be doing this. Are you going to tell your mother?” And she said, “No, no, no!”
[Sometimes I’d] go out with somebody for a few months, [and] once past the [standard] sexual aspects, [I’d] start introducing aspects of the Scene. They would go along with it but then would start sharing with their friends, and the peer pressure [and] feedback would be negative. They’d say, “We can’t do this. It’s sick.” I would say, “Wait a minute! We’ve been doing it for a month, and you’re well and fine, and this has heightened our experience.” [And some would respond] “Yeah, but I can’t do this anymore, because it’s just not right.” And you find out that their friends were kicking them down.
Generally, I work with large-breasted women. That’s one of my requirements because I do a lot of breast bondage. Besides, it’s like the frosting on top of everything. During a scene you literally see body modification occurring, even in smaller-breasted women. When I do them, their breasts increase in size to a great extert, and their bodies become trimmer. [The bonds] accentuate the female pinching-in of the waist. Even after the bondage is off, there’s a residual effect. It increases the feminine aspect, and I think this occurs on a psychological and spiritual level [as well]. At that point, because all the barriers are removed, it’s really manifesting [itself] into the individual.
I believe in the spiritual part of all this. With my current slave, we had an incredible session where her body actually took on a different shape. She’s a little overweight: It was [as if] her waistline completely disappeared during the course of the scene. I took a Polaroid of it and showed it to her later. It was absolutely incredible. It was like a physical change. Stuff like that isn’t supposed to happen, technically, but it did. I had done a lot of initial body bondage and then a lot of sexual play. Then she was in a suspended position and [taking] a lot of clamping. At that point it was like she was on autopilot. I knew we were at a special threshold where you’re also responding to something else. The things that you’re doing are so unique to that particular situation that there’s almost a higher energy at work between the two of you. That was what was really going on. Something else was inputting there. You get to a transcendental level—but it’s not a subconscious level; it’s actually happening in the physical. I’ve had some experiences where I’ve done fire walking, going over hot coals. Technically you’re not supposed to be able to do that. What were normal limits suddenly just dissolve. You’re able to do things and endure things that would [ordinarily] cause you some discomfort. Some people call that state the shimmer level.
I have a very strong personality—what I like to think of as a survivor’s personality. As far as submissiveness in my normal life, I think it’s more directed towards trying to do good deeds and helping with elderly members of the family.
In D&S I continue to discover my sexuality. Sexually I’m submissive; psychologically I’m dominant. [Some] say that I’m not submissive at all—that I’m a dominant masochist. [But] when I look for gratification, I seem to find it in submission to a man.
I’ve always enjoyed lovers who held my arms down around my head while we made love. I probably have been attracted to men who behaved in a subconsciously dominant way all along, but I did not actually find the Scene until [roughly two years] ago. [When I did], I felt I had finally come home. I felt as though I was understood for the first time. At first, I was overcome with joy. I have a very high-pressure job. My judgment is not always good; I’m too emotional; I have mood swings. If I can find someone who I feel has better judgment than myself, I am delighted not to have to make the right decisions all the time.
I had a rather abusive childhood emotionally and physically. Part of it is the old sibling-rivalry thing: My sister resented me. [She] beat me up constantly. She would do lots of sadistic things. My mother felt that there was no limit on the number of times that you could hit the child on the rump. I’d come home from school and find that all of the contents of my dresser were dumped in a big pile on the floor because my underwear was crooked. Once, after my sister had beaten me to a pulp, I said, “Damn you to hell.” My mother, being a devout Catholic, made me kneel on the floor in front of her and my sister and beg God for forgiveness. I was about 11 [then]. My mother left home when I was about 12, and my sister left about a year after that. It was as though Lincoln had freed the slaves, because my dad was actually a great guy. He had never liked punishing us. From the moment my mother and sister left, I never experienced sadistic behavior again.
In my household, my father thought that pornography was fine, and my mother, having been raised in a convent, thought it was the most heinous thing on the face of the earth and should be obliterated. I managed, as all children do, to be rather investigative. I discovered where my father kept his porno books when I was about 12; I enjoyed the ones where guys were on the more aggressive side. After my father died, I managed to end up with [those books], and that kept me happy in the privacy of my bedroom until I got to be about 28. By then I had read that stuff so many times, it didn’t work anymore.
I ventured out to a 24-hour newsstand, in the dead of night, making sure there was nobody in the store. I snuck in and looked for something that looked like it might be bondage-y. I knew that I liked reading things where girls would be tied to the bed while the guy ravaged her. It was always friendly ravaging: I’m not into guys doing terrible things to you, although I’m sure we all define terrible as something different. I bought one of these little newspaper magazines, which advertised a club they opened in the city. I went there and had a couple of experiences with a gentleman who was in charge. I realized that I like to be tied up. He eventually asked me to write for his paper. I started writing “Continuing Adventures of V”; that’s all I did for the next [several] years. In fact, I wrote an article where I said that writing the column was the kinkiest part of my sex life.
[Then] I married a vanilla guy who said he was going to save me from S&M; he whisked me off to the countryside for three years. Ultimately, we moved back. Our sex life became less and less satisfying. He tried [D&S] a few times, because before we were together, I said, “I need to be tied up, and I’ll need you to do that.” He said, “Don’t worry; I’ll do it.” He did it exactly twice in five years. As far as he was concerned, it was weird, it was sick, it wasn’t right, and he didn’t want to do it.
I learned something very important [about the difference between writing] from my imagination versus writing what I know from being in the Scene. That comes from an experience that I had with someone who had read my column for years. When I was alone with [him], the first opportunity he got, he did something very painful. It wasn’t really severe; it was just how he did it. I stopped him and said, “How could you do this to me? There’s nothing pleasurable about this.” He said, “But you love pain! You write about it all the time!” So I learned something very important: For some people, what they are reading in their closets and under their covers with their flashlights is all they ever learn about S&M! There’s a tremendous responsibility [in] writing that column, because for some people, that will be the gospel and doctrine. So now I try to teach in my column.
[At one club], I met an older gentleman who didn’t know much about the Scene itself but evidently knew about S&M. He was probably physically the best match I’ve ever had. He did exactly the stuff I liked to do—bondage and clamps—and I transcended with him. For me to transcend doing S&M doesn’t happen with severe stimuli but with a steady building of the stimuli. If I can gently take a curve that brings me over my pain limit—a gentle, sloping curve, as opposed to a sharp spike—then I actually leave my body. For me to actually surrender, a man must be able to produce that reaction in me. He didn’t know what to call it, but he was making it happen routinely. We did a scene at Paddles one night where I was chained up to the St. Andrew’s cross and he was doing all kinds of lovely things to me. When I sat down afterwards, a young man came over to me and said, “My goodness, you do have some endurance!” I said, “Aw, geez; I could have been up there at least twice as long.” He said, “Are you kidding? You were up there for two hours.” I said, “Naw!” He asked me if I had ever heard of Eulenspiegel. He spelled it for me and told me to call Information and ask for the number. I went to the next [dominant-men submissive-women’s] group meeting. I was delighted. I was really impressed with what I saw. I don’t know what I expected, but I found the upper crust of S&M. They were like spiritual guides.
The first night I went there, I met someone. He became my master, and we stayed together for the better part of a year. Unfortunately, he was into heavy corporal punishment, and I’m not. As he became increasingly severe, I was forced to pull away from him. I learned a tremendous amount from him about proper behavior and dress and the Scene in general. He spent a month and a half picking my brain constantly, trying to understand psychologically the right buttons to push. He was very wary about corporal punishment at first, knowing that it was something that would remind me of my youth. We’d only see each other a couple of times a week, but even in his absence I remained enslaved. His presence, his personal strength, his confidence, were great enough that I really felt that I was his slave. I felt very joyous about it for many months.
I learned that you might be able to hit me with a whip pretty hard, but if you hit me with a paddle or a hairbrush with the same amount of force, I can’t take that very well. I learned that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. I seemed to be able to take clamping more than most people. Not only can I take multiple clamps on my nipples, [but] I can take them on my pussy. I can also take a clamp on my clit if it’s done properly. That was a talent that my master definitely capitalized on.
Probably one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done includes what I call a predicament. I like to be in predicaments. In [one] scene I was on a recliner with my hands up and over the back of the chair, which had been pushed back so that my legs would be elevated. My hands were secured so that they could remain comfortably over the back of the chair, and my legs were tied open. We were able to secure my legs open and then [put] postal straps around the top of my thighs. Photographic clips were secured to the postal straps after being attached to the outer labia, and [those] held my pussy open. He had clamps on my nipples, which were held out and up with a certain amount of tension on them. Then he used to like to eat my pussy until he could get my clitoris to become very enlarged. He did something that has never been done since, but I certainly fantasize about it: He got my clitoris so swollen that he was able to get a clamp at the base of the clitoris. He said, “Look at that! It looks exactly like a miniature penis.” And it did. It really flipped me out.
So he had me all strung up, and he pulled up on the clit clamp. For me to be comfortable, I had to pick my hips up just a touch. I had to tense in order to keep the clit clamp from being painful. And then he tried to fist-fuck me, which is something I hadn’t done. He wasn’t able to get his fist in there, but he got enough of his hand in there to concern me. He produced this predicament where, in order for me not to pull too hard on the clamp, I had to raise my hips up, but in order to be able to pull away from his hand, I had to push my hips down. It was a losing battle, because, either way, there was something going on that I wanted to pull away from. I’m getting wet just talking about it. That was probably the most exciting scene I’ve ever done.
One of the reasons I was attracted to my current master is because he practices [Japanese] bondage, which has always been my very favorite form of activity. That’s a very intricate, interwoven bondage all around the body. He wraps the ropes through my pussy over and over and over again. I have very large tits, and that’s one of the reasons he likes me: He’ll wrap my tits up. With the bondage, they become bigger; the skin becomes tauter and more sensitive. I really love bondage.
One of the things that I learned when I became serious about S&M was that there are rules. The serious people are all wedded to certain universal laws that have been spelled out. A common problem is that people not in the Scene—and newcomers to the Scene—don’t understand the difference between fantasy and reality. What astonishes me is how many people seem unaware of the rules or insist that S&M is breaking the rules to begin with. When people say that, at a club meeting or a party, the rest of the gathering will look at them with fire in their eyes. The rules of etiquette are very important to most people.
I’ve always viewed sexuality and life as a series of options. There are lots of possible paths that I can take. There are things that I enjoy about taking someone and putting them into a state of absolute ecstasy. There’s a lot of joy that can come out of taking someone and leading them on that kind of journey. Sex as play is one of the most liberating concepts that’s ever entered my life—the idea that you can play fantasy games with someone else and that you can take enjoyment in sex purely for its own sake, or that you can really work the dynamic that comes out of exchanging power.
I haven’t always considered myself a sexual explorer. I was a hacker in high school and college, and that put me on the social fringe. I didn’t have my first intimate relationship until fairly recently. I gained erotic knowledge by playing with myself. Bondage became a central part of my erotic self-play because I found that orgasm’s greatly enhanced when I’m tied up. In college I knew what I liked, and I knew there were people who liked what I did, but it’s only been since I’ve found a community of people who understand these things and who know the beautiful places that you can get to that I’ve become more comfortable and able to explore.
There’s a very wise man I know named Fakir Musafar who led a workshop in which he discussed how placing tight bands around your arms and waist and legs and simply wearing them for a period of days or weeks changes the way you view the world. Last year I took his workshop on ecstatic shamanism. It was an investigation of the various sorts of rites common in India and in Native America. Other cultures have used the body to experience states of existence and have used transsexuality to have mythic voyages. That I found to be a very powerful thing! A lot of the bondage and flagellation techniques that people in the Scene use have been practiced for centuries. Convening people and having a focused and centered ceremony with the sole intent of gathering and capturing that essential sexual and spiritual energy—and working on it, writhing all over it, actually heightening everybody’s awareness—is something that’s made its way deeply into my concept of myself and my sexuality. Along with D&S and bondage, there’s a magic that I have a higher respect for now. There are a lot of primal places that you can go. You need to take care in visiting those places, but the people I’ve been meeting and the activities I enjoy are transforming my concept of myself as a spiritual being.
One top opened doors for me in many ways. He was the first man with whom I had any kind of intimate contact. I never saw any reason why I should consider myself restricted to having only male lovers or only female lovers. I thought that it would be cutting off part of myself to limit myself like that. But it was all abstract theory until I met him. One distinct memory I have is once when we had been playing for hours. I was sort of tired and getting a bit disconnected. He sensed it, because a real good top knows what you need before you have to say it. He had a sling, a leather hammock that you can lie back in and spread your legs wide apart, that folds out from the wall. It allows the bottom to rock back and forth and feel like he’s floating and weightless, and it allows the top full access to everything the top may want access to. He told me that he was going to put me in the sling. He put cuffs on my wrists and ankles; the tactile stimulus of those bands of leather going around my limbs was enough to send me into a very deep state. I was lost in the sensation of what was happening. I should mention also that I was cross-dressed in corset and stockings, which was central in bringing out the androgynous parts of myself. He rocked me back and tied me so my legs were widely separated. Then he wrapped straps around my thighs and buckled them tightly. I didn’t feel like I was a male anymore. I was so turned on that I just started rocking back and forth and moaning incoherently.
He started licking me around my ass and around my balls. I actually started to leak fluids from my ass, almost like orgasm fluid. And I felt like I had a cunt. I felt like I was open and that my cock was this fantastically swollen clitoris. I was thrashing around and rubbing myself against his face and completely lost in a frenzy of sex. He put a dildo in my ass and started slowly fucking me with it and started beating my cock. I had what I can only think of as a sort of female orgasm. It was unlike any other orgasm that I’ve ever had in my life: It was a flood of light that spread out from my genitals and filled my entire body. My fingers were coming!
I’d never experienced anything like that before or since. That was a voyage! That was something that took me to a place that I want to get back to! Now that I know that it’s there, I’m going to be doing a lot more exploring in that direction. It was absolutely fantastic!
I think of S/M as a highly evolved, very self-conscious sexuality. It’s being very much aware of the nature of the body and of the power of sex and the power of the erotic. That kind of intense knowledge, that in-depth understanding of sexuality, is one of the central attractions of S/M to me. It intensifies and enhances the love and the growth that can come out of a sexual relationship.
It’s easy to mistake S/M for something entirely different. At this point a lot of the understanding about S/M is what emerges from psychological studies that have been done on people in counseling. The sampling of people who have spoken out about S/M consists of the people who need help, as opposed to the many people who find S/M to be a healthy and happy and enlightening aspect of their being. What I want to say to people is, “Know your options. Know that it’s okay to think and feel whatever it is that you think and feel. Know that your fantasies are not evil. Know that your sexuality is you. Hiding your sexuality and denying it is one of the most harmful and destructive things that you can do to yourself.”
My parents don’t know about me and don’t accept this sexuality. If I had one thing to say to my parents, it would be that I love them and I’m glad they are my parents. I’m glad that they raised me in a way that taught me that hiding parts of yourself and cutting off one’s feelings is always wrong. I’m now living in a way that makes those teachings real. I’m trying to reach out to other people who may be hiding parts of themselves, and I’m trying to lead them to be happier and more joyous people. I hope my parents read this book and learn more about me and about what I do. I would really love it if someday they said, “We’re proud of you [for] speaking out, and we still love you.”
I have very little experience. As a matter of fact, I’m still a virgin. But as long as I can remember I’ve been attracted to D&S-type activities, even when I didn’t know what they were. I just haven’t found the right woman to go all the way with. There are some guys out there who are submissive, and their wives try, but you can tell they don’t enjoy it. I want to find someone who genuinely enjoys having me belong to her. I’ve enjoyed a few times that I’ve visited people and we’ve played, but I have never gone all the way with anybody. Up until the last few years the be-all and end-all of what I was doing was working. It’s just starting to dawn on me that I need to spend a little more time on my private life.
I am a heterosexual submissive. I’ve had a few little tiny dominant fantasies now and then but have never been interested in acting them out. When I first started getting to know a few other people in D&S, it seemed like most had had abusive childhoods or some family crisis or something that they felt explained why they were the way they were. I led the typical Midwestern kid’s life. It’s Mom and Dad—who married each other when my dad was in college and my mom was just out of high school and have stayed married since—and two kids and a house in the suburbs. Very normal, white-bread: America’s image. Probably the unusual thing—but it seemed normal to me—was that sex was never discussed in our house.
I always had fantasies that dealt with bondage. That was a big thing, being restrained in some way. I know what they are now, but I didn’t really understand them as being sexual [when I was younger]. The first time that I got an idea that really registered was when I worked in a college office where the students ran everything. And somebody plastered a really weird cover of Variations magazine on the wall. I picked up a copy, and I said, “You know, these are not exactly my fantasies, but there are other people that not only share what I thought were these unusual interests, but they write about it.” There’s obviously a market for it. So I can’t be the only one. That’s when I started to understand what it was. But I was still very frightened that somebody would find out or that it would somehow affect me in some strange way.
My favorite activity is bondage. The stronger, the better. I haven’t had a whole lot of experience with it, but it has a mental attraction. I’m working on a relationship with somebody right now who seems to be very understanding. We’re both very certain that we’re not going to wind up living together, but we’re exploring to find out where else my interests go. They tend to be fairly strong bondage, fairly strong discipline, fairly strong whippings. But you don’t know what your limits are until you [reach them]. I think [limits are] one of the things that you have to develop in an ongoing relationship.
I wore my chastity belt [to a party at an S&M club in New York]. And for the first time I gave the keys to [a mistress]. At the club I watched one lady who had a lot of things done to her that I had fantasized about. She was bound fairly helplessly and stimulated in all kinds of different ways and then whipped a little bit and then stimulated some more. [My mistress] knew her, so after we left [the club], we stopped at a diner and had breakfast together. It was really neat. There had to be only one thing going on in her brain at the club: pure enjoyment. And then, a couple hours later, she might have been a little sore, but she was a very happy individual, very comfortable, very normal.
I spent the night and the next day [with this mistress]. I considered it a great privilege. She made no effort to release me from the chastity belt. We didn’t talk about it. I was beginning to realize and enjoy what it means—rather than fantasizing about being completely under the control of another individual—to really have it happen. That was probably the most satisfying thing.
*It is important to distinguish bondage in the modern context from the term used by such scholars as Magnus Hirschfeld and Richard von Krafft-Ebing. By sexual bondage they meant a mental condition of subservience or overweening dependence upon another: It had nothing to do with being tied up.