Thirteen
The woman’s fingers felt his penis first of all, and then he guided her fingers and felt the ring there at the base of it. At the touch of her hand, however, the penis hardened and he cried out, because the ring pressed into it and gave him excruciating pain.
The woman almost fainted with horror.… And at the same time the thought of this penis bound and encircled by her ring roused her sexually, so that her body became warm and sensitive to all kinds of erotic fantasies. She continued to kiss him, and he begged her not to, because it brought him greater and greater pain.
—ANAÏS NIN1
The countless forms of extreme sensory experimentation are impossible to catalogue comprehensively. Kinsey allegedly chronicled thousands, yet his work remained incomplete. Suffice to say, D&Sers regularly experiment with several general types of intense stimulation.
Unlike the other chapters in this section, this chapter does not extensively discuss the psychological experience of the stimuli described. The reason is simple: The forms of erotic play described here are merely further variations on the pleasures of discomfort. All the same enjoyments described in Chapter 9 pertain. We include excerpts from some of our interviewees profiled elsewhere so that their personal experiences help to explain the excitement of these unusual stimuli. At chapter’s end, we focus on three individuals who experiment with intense play:
• Johanna, who is 22 years old and a graduate student in linguistics.
• John M. is 48 years old. He is a devoted music lover and a devoted father. He is married to Sara K.
• Sara K. is 48 years old and works in a university.
The use of warm wax—dripped from a burning candle onto bare skin—is a slightly esoteric practice but has many fans. Hot-wax scenes usually are done within the context of a primarily sensual power exchange. Submissives who enjoy hot wax say that it causes an extremely erotic sensation, both because of the intermingling of heat with other kinds of stimulus and because of the unpredictability of exactly where the drops will fall.
Spreading oil over the skin before dripping the wax helps to prevent burns. White, undyed candles are preferred since dyes raise the melting temperature and the heat of the wax.
Once the wax hardens, some dominants use the blunt edge of a knife to scrape it off their lover’s body slowly and meticulously. Although the use of the blunt edge ensures that the skin is not irritated, knowing that a knife is being used intensifies the sense of anticipation and danger.
Hot wax may also be a deep head trip. The submissive must place complete faith in the dominant’s ability to ensure that the experience is sensual rather than damaging. Hot-wax enthusiasts we spoke with said that, properly used, the wax should neither scald the skin nor leave any marks. Dominants often experiment on themselves first to determine the distance the candle must be held from the body in order for the wax to cool adequately before making contact.
The first time that we used candle wax, it took a lot of trust. I was terrified that I was going to be hurt. I had to psyche myself into letting this man spill wax on me, which I thought was crazy. He slowly built up to the moment and finally took one of the candles and started pouring warm wax on my breasts. One holds the candle up a certain distance from the nipple. I could feel a little bit of heat but no more than that. [Then] he kissed me. I was a bit thirsty, so he gave me some water, from his mouth into mine. It felt really wonderful, and I think it brought us closer.
—VICTORIA
The practice of dropping warm or hot ash onto a submissive seems to be performed most frequently among gay men. Leathermen “flag” this orientation with a tan hankie. Typically, hot-ash fetishists are aroused not only by the act but also by the body type and attitude of the dominant. Hot-ash fans described the ideal dominant body type as a “teddy bear”: a burly man with abundant body hair. (Teddy bears have a sizable cult following throughout the gay community.) He will smoke a cigar and, generally speaking, emanates a traditionally macho aura.
As is the case with candles in hot-wax scenes, cigars are usually held at a distance from the skin to prevent burning. Some hot-ash enthusiasts, however, do seek a burning sensation. Hot-ash activities may occasionally overlap with depersonalization fantasies in which the bottom is treated like a human ashtray and accepts the ash over different parts of his body. For hot ash to be one element of more complex play is not uncommon. For purists, however, it is the main event.
A popular element of heavy D&S play is the temporary compression or pinching of sensitive skin. This is typically achieved by the use of clamps or clips. Equipment may be left in place for brief periods of time to maximize the stimulation. The D&Sers with whom we spoke stated that clips should be checked every few minutes to ensure that the skin under stress does not grow numb; extended, unabated clamping of a sensitive area, such as the nipple, can cause minor nerve damage. Clips should not cut into skin or cause significant irritation.
Compression is usually one element in a scene, and is sometimes an adjunct to bondage. Stimulation ranges from very mild to very extreme, depending on the period of time the clips are left in place, the clips’ tension, manipulation of the clips, and whether any attachments (such as chains, which are tugged, or weights) are added.
Cottage industries produce dozens of gadgets. The most common among these is the nipple clip, which in its crudest form is an alligator clip whose teeth have been filed down and insulated with rubber; it may contain tiny screws to adjust tension. There are innumerable refinements to this basic design. Most commercially produced clamps are made of metal and are sold in pairs, connected by lightweight chain; the tips are well insulated; the styles vary in tension capacities, size, and weight. Some are customized for men and others for women (men’s nipples tend to be smaller and can support smaller clips).
Despite the proliferation of relatively sophisticated options, many D&Sers prefer a homey alternative: the humble spring clothespin. Clothespins may be used sparingly or may be lavishly clamped over large areas of the body, usually the fleshy parts of the chest, the buttocks, and the thighs. Dominants arrange clothespins in rows or in other patterns.
I love having clothespins put on me, and clips and clamps. We’ve gone up to 50 clothespins so far. I’m waiting to do 100. I like them on my arms, on my nipples, on my thighs, anywhere where my lover wants to put them. At a D&S club we’ve done some scenes with clothespins. [Once] I was talking to some people while he prepared everything. I was dressed sexily; plus I had cuffs on my wrists and ankles. He put some tables together [and] lit some candles. Then he made me kneel on two chairs that were pulled together [and] lie on my back across the tables. He attached ropes to the legs of the table so that he could bind my wrists and my ankles spread-eagle. He pulled down my bustier and blindfolded me. He started talking to me very softly to reassure me [and] caressing me with some feathers and getting me to relax. Then he took out the clothespins and the clamps and started working on my breasts. He took some alligator clips with the teeth shaved down and black plastic [insulation] on them so that they don’t hurt my breasts. He put one on each nipple and then worked his way around the aureole of each breast. I had about five clips on each. There was a chain attached to the nipple clips, so that he could pull on it when he wanted to. He worked on my upper arms and then on my inner thighs. Occasionally he would stop and caress me and relax me and let me know that he was still there. He’s very loving and gentle and has a very delicate touch. It feels really wonderful. One feels very trusting; at least one should. To me, it’s actually lovemaking. While I couldn’t see what was going on, I could feel it. Finally he was done. I was in a rather agitated state, because when you have clips and clamps all over, you start moving out of body. He took out a vibrator and pressed it up against my clit. I got very excited. He gave me permission to come, and as I did, he took off the clips on my nipples, so that the orgasm was even larger. It is like being in bed with someone and they play with your nipples while you’re coming. It’s the same sort of sensation.
—VICTORIA
While many D&Sers enjoy clamps or clothespins on the labia, this can get tricky, as female lubrication may cause even tight clamps to slide off, especially when tugged or weighted.
Hot wax, hot ash, and compression play may also be incorporated into cock-and-ball torture and tit torture, known colloquially in the D&S community as CBT and TT. The basic principle of CBT and TT is to impose deep sensation directly to erogenous zones.
The intensity of CBT and TT activities range from fairly mild to very heavy. Great care is taken to ensure that only desired pain is inflicted. Genitalia and nipples are susceptible to irreversible damage under even moderate punishment, and D&Sers are cautious about these types of play. Some dominants may prefer to have the submissive’s pubic region shaved in order to avoid mishaps with trapped hair.
CBT and TT are usually an aspect of a broader scene, however, many men (and some women) are specifically aroused by genital punishments (also known as genital torture, or genitorture), and some dominants focus on this aspect of play for an extended period. The majority of adult toys for CBT and TT are manifestly fabricated with male genitalia in mind; male genitalia are simply better suited for accessibility and accessories.
For those who enjoy genital compression, modifications are made to clamps to combine pinching with pulling. For example, a leash may be attached to the chain connecting strategically situated clamps and tugged. D&Sers sometimes attach weights to these chains, causing varying degrees of distention and discomfort. Those who are interested specifically in distention may use a parachute harness. This broad, circular swath of thick leather is snapped into place around the top of the scrotum, and weights are suspended from it to force the testicles downward and away from the penis.
Perhaps the most popular male adult toy is the cock ring, the descendent of the ancient Chinese silver penis clasp whose “purpose was to prolong erection by preventing the blood from leaving the engorged organ.”2 The contemporary version is a ring—usually made of steel, rubber, or leather, flexible or rigid—which is secured around the base of a flaccid penis. (Some interviewees reported that they have also experimented with rubber bands.) As the penis becomes engorged, the ring grows tight and prevents blood from draining back into the body. Cock rings have a dual effect: Erection is prolonged and sensitivity is enhanced. Both dominants and submissives may wear cock rings because of this serviceable duality.
Baroque refinements of the cock ring include a series of graduated rings known as a cock cage. Some cock cages are equipped with miniature hardware to lock the equipment in place; the dominant keeps the key. Variants of the cock cage are made of flexible leather or rubber straps.
A spectrum of leather gloves designed alternately to stretch and to confine genitalia are also popular. These gloves are usually leather sacks contoured so as to contain the testicles, the penis, or both. Some feature lacing meant to squeeze the penis and lift it away from the scrotum; some “ball sacks” are equipped with weights, and other models are studded with tiny metal spikes in the lining. The results can vary from a sensuously snug sensation to a mildly vertiginous squeeze.
In addition to the wearing of any of the plethora of custom equipment, CBT or TT includes all rough play directed to the erogenous zones. As noted in Chapter 12, small whips are used to concentrate pain in small areas. Some TT enthusiasts use the suction cups from snakebite kits to sensitize and engorge male nipples. Pinching, prodding, pricking, biting, tugging, slapping or spanking, abrading, and applying unguents such as mentholated balm that cause a burning sensation are all aspects of this play.
I’ve asked myself [why I like CBT]. I think the idea of torturing someone’s genitals is so outrageous; it’s such a personal, private, intimate part of the body. In psychological terms, it’s the fear and humiliation and the helplessness. I don’t think that attention to any other part of the body carries as great an emotional impact. Also, the balls are sensitive to crushing or to blows in ways [that] nothing else [could be]! I don’t think that a woman could ever imagine what that feels like. Even when it’s not painful, it has a whole-body effect on me. Interestingly, one of the first things that we did [was my wife] slapping my balls with her hand. The reason that it went as well as it did was, I think, because she had no conception of how intense that feeling was. She was unwilling to hit me with a whip or paddle because it would be too painful; yet she could slap my balls! … Restraints [put on when I’m flaccid] can cause very intense sensations when I get an erection. What may start off as nothing much can build—with no change in the force of the blows—into a most intense sensation.… Genital whipping has formed the heart of a plurality of my fantasies for close to 40 years. The single most fundamentally arousing] image is being bound and helpless with legs widely separated and being whipped aggressively directly into the crotch. Nothing else has quite this place in my pantheon of masochistic urges. When I have experienced genital whipping with a partner, it has been among the most intense of activities.
—JOHN M.
Fisting is primarily but not exclusively popular in the gay and lesbian communities. The dominant slowly works first fingers and then hand into either the anus or vagina of his or her partner. Some feel that it is a safe-sex alternative when the fister wears a latex glove. Fisting is by no means limited to D&S partners and is seen by some as just a more intense type of penetration.
A growing number of bisexual and heterosexual D&Sers, and particularly those who have learned from gay and lesbian D&Sers, are experimenting with this activity. With adequate lubrication, fisting does not necessarily entail pain, but this depends on the recipient’s ability to relax the appropriate muscles. Indeed, the goal is not so much to inflict pain as to induce ecstasy through this radical form of penetration.
Introducing anything into the anus however is a high-risk activity that may result in serious injury and hemorrhage. Torn tissue—not uncommon when the anus is invaded—is highly susceptible to infection and the transmission of disease.
Participants say that fisting is spiritual, sensuously profound, and even mystical because, as one D&Ser put it, “It’s like reaching inside and grabbing someone’s soul.” Fisting has numerous psychological components: It may convey a sense of violation, erotic humiliation or helplessness. The fist is, symbolically and literally, a power symbol whose introduction into a body cavity has an enormous emotional impact and corollary sexual charge. And, unlike inorganic toys (such as dildos or anal beads), the hand’s dexterity provides a unique thrill.
A very experienced partner can control his muscles to the point that there is an interesting sensation to my hand—which leads to a pleasurable sensation to my brain. I have a little playmate who likes to put his hands in my ass. He likes to be dominant over his partner, and he wants the partner to feel some pleasure. It is, when done properly, safe, as compared to anal intercourse, which could be a transmitter of the HIV virus. That’s why he got into fisting. It is best to do it with latex gloves, not only because it can get a little messy, but because of the possibility of HIV infection. Cuticles have small cuts, and a person may bleed during the scene; how heavily depends on the person, the experience, how big the hand is. The more relaxed one is, the less problems you have.
—JEFF BRITTON
I haven’t fisted a man yet, but I have fisted women, vaginally and anally. The power and the eroticism behind that act is personally overwhelming to me.
—LAURA ANTONIO
Numerous other forms of intense stimulation have gained currency among D&Sers. Among them are the use of nettles (to sensitize skin) and stinging unguents (applied to erogenous zones). Two specific forms of intense stimulation deserve special mention. Although they arouse heated debate in the D&S communities because of their potential health risks, both are widely practiced esoterica. These controversial activities are play piercing and electrical stimulation (also known as electro-torture).
Unlike piercing to modify the body, play piercing is temporary and is always performed in an erotic context. In a play piercing, sterile needles—often hypodermic needles—are usually inserted into the top layers of skin. These wounds heal without leaving permanent marks. The exception may be a play nipple piercing, where a slender sterile needle penetrates the nipple and is later removed without emplacement of jewelry. In S&M erotica—particularly in Japanese and German videos, which generally depict much more extreme and dehumanizing play than their American counterparts—the temporarily pierced submissive is usually identified as a “needle slave,” and the piercings may be a form of punishment or may be symbolic of servitude. The term “play” is used only to distinguish it from more permanent piercings. “Play” does not, however, imply that such piercings are done casually. All penetration of skin entails the potential risk of infection or trauma and requires extreme caution.
In addition to play piercings to the erogenous zones, aficionados may want to feel the pricking sensation over wider expanses of skin, and some even prefer that the erogenous zones be avoided. Multiple piercings are common, sometimes arranged in patterns. The needles are left in place for short periods of time. Some dominants manipulate the needles with their fingers or attach strings to the needles and control the submissive’s movements as a puppeteer would manipulate a marionette.
A moderately popular play-piercing device for male submissives is the butterfly board—a plank of soft wood placed under the scrotum with an opening for the genitals. Needles are passed through the skin of the scrotum and foreskin (not the underlying organs) and then are pinned to the board.
With play piercing you don’t get a heck of a lot of pain. Somebody who’s scared of needles would say, “Oh, God!” but realistically, they’re not that painful. It happens in just seconds. Most people in play piercing want the needles to come out as quickly as possible. I want the needle to come out extremely slowly. I enjoy the feeling of the needle being taken out of my body. I almost consider permanent piercings mutilating your body.… I’ve had needles on my thighs, on the outsides of my arms, all around my breasts. I’ve had needles through the outer bottom edges of my nipples. Once somebody took a bunch of needles and created a necklace that started from my shoulders, went down around my chest, and ended at the other shoulder. She had me look in the mirror, and then she took them out. It came as a total surprise to me that I would be turned on by something like that.
—JEAN L.
For safety reasons many D&Sers object to the introduction of electricity in erotic play. The risks are obvious: High voltage to the body will cause a fatal shock, and electricity—even of a low voltage—applied to the torso may interfere with normal heartbeat or cause a heart attack. Nonetheless, some D&Sers experiment with low-level electrical stimulation because of the unique sensation.
Electricity is often used in interrogation scenarios but may also simply be incorporated into D&S as another form of unusual or intense stimulus. Several interviewees reported that they have experimented with household 9-volt batteries to create a weak shock to skin.
So high and potentially lethal are its risks that electricity is both uncommon and generally confined to play with a few archaic, pseudo-medical machines. Even these, however, cannot guarantee safety.
We have a violet wand. It’s a static-electricity generator. It can generate an arc that jumps out at you, maybe a quarter of an inch at most. If you touch the skin with it, it has no effect at all, because the effect comes from the arc. It’s a little tricky to use because you have to hold it away from where you want the spark to jump. It feels like a vibrating pinprick. I’ve never had a tattoo, but I imagine it might feel like that. It can be very intense if applied to a sensitive spot. It’s supposedly safe to apply anywhere except around mucus membranes.
—JOHN M.
Considerably less common and far more expensive is the TENS (transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulator), a static-electricity generator most commonly used in medical settings to relieve chronic pain.
When you receive pain which you interpret as pleasure, there is a point that you find the most erotic. When you get into higher elements of electricity, it becomes pain. If you give somebody a strong jolt, they’re going to jump four inches above the table! … My TENS unit is not plugged into the wall; [it] works on a little square battery [used] for portable radios. I got the TENS from a doctor who was into S&M and electricity. With a TENS unit, you can control how much electricity goes through the wires and the intensity. You can also control how close together the electrical impulses are [and] how long each [lasts].
My favorite is to have an electrical flow through the clitoris. I describe it as the best vibrator. Wires [from a TENS unit] are attached to little pads that have sticky stuff on them. I had one put on my clitoris and then one a little below the clitoris. The electricity travels up from the base of the clitoris. This is the spot on your body that has more nerve endings than any other, and [the current] travels, creating this incredibly wonderful sensation. The other device that can be used is called a Relaxacisor. It was created in the 1940s; I think [it was] originally created for use on submarines [where crews couldn’t exercise. The thinking was] that if the muscles were forced to contract, they would not lose their strength. As always happens, people in S&M take things and use them in entirely different ways.
—JEAN L.
I’m still pretty young. It’s not that long ago that I was an adolescent. I’m still very visibly and noticeably growing, and [I’m] getting a chance to get what I want sexually. I think for anybody, getting what you want is the most empowering thing that could possibly happen, especially getting something that you’ve been told is shameful your entire life. Getting to do it anyway because it’s what turns you on [is] incredibly empowering.
I never had a problem with [my D&S feelings]. I was raised as a feminist and consider myself a feminist. I know a lot of women have trouble coming to terms with [D&S]—especially heterosexual women who want to be dominated by men. I can understand why it might cause internal problems. But I felt a more external shame, knowing that everyone else thought that this was weird.
I’m a lesbian. [For me], being attracted to women is a separate issue from not being attracted to men. A lot of people don’t see it that way, so I often feel weird identifying myself as a lesbian. It buys into a paradigm that I don’t agree with. The fact is that I’m [just] not attracted to people who are male. I’m not intimate with women for political reasons. Women turn me on. I act on it.
I’m both a masochist and [a] submissive. I don’t eliminate the possibility of wanting to be a top sometime in the future, but being a bottom is definitely what turns me on. It’s only a couple of years since I first started having mild play with my lover at the time—spanking, a little [D&S]. I was much more into it than she, and that was tricky. More recently, I’ve been going to workshops and getting a lot of information. I [now] have a lover who is heavily into S&M. [S&M] is confined to sex play, although thinking about power in the way that you learn to think about it [as a result of] being involved in D&S makes me very attuned to the shifting of power in daily relationships.
I wonder if pain feels different to other people, because even in nonsexual contexts, pain does not bother me. I first started to notice this in high school. Perhaps the masochism is either physical or related to the organization of your perception. Sometimes pain feels like pleasure; [it’s] physically exciting. It’s like when you’re masturbating: The idea that [your] hand is touching [your] clit may not be exciting, but the sensation is; sometimes [the sensation of] pain is like that for me. I don’t have to be thinking about sex. When pain [does combine with] mental arousal, there is a line between masochism and submission for me; then the idea that I’m in pain excites me, as well. The idea that I have to submit to pain [makes me feel] very submissive.
I did one scene with [my lover] where I got to do a lot of stuff that wasn’t directly pleasurable for either of us, but it was very submissive. I licked her boots; she also wore a strap-on dildo—the kind attached to underwear—and had me go down on her with that. So she probably wasn’t getting any direct physical pleasure out of it. Neither was I, but it was very submissive [and] a real turn-on to both of us. I like things like that just because they’re kinky; that is a turn-on [in] itself. There’s no hiding the fact that what’s going on is a purely submissive act. I like that feeling. My present lover has done a couple of things to me like that: held me down and put a nine-volt battery on my tongue. She didn’t have to hold me down; I wasn’t struggling, although I don’t like electricity—it scares me. But the fact that I don’t like the sensation [and] yet I’m letting her do that to me is a turn-on.
A while ago my lover and I went to a party at her friend’s house. It was not an S&M party, but she put a collar on me [and] a locked bracelet on my wrist before [we left]. The symbolism was heavy, and I liked that. I was getting progressively hotter, sexually excited, just having this stuff on me and being in this public situation. When we came home, she had me strip and tied my hands together and started whipping me. It was the first time I’d been whipped for any length of time. She whipped me until I started crying. That’s the first time I ever got to such an intense point. She whipped my upper back, which is not usually where I prefer to be hit, until I was on the edge of being out of control. Then she started fucking me and put her finger up my ass. I’d never had that done before, and she didn’t tell me she was going to do it. It triggered a really submissive response! If [she’d] asked me if I wanted her finger there, I would have said no. But I was very glad that didn’t happen, because I liked it overall. We went back and forth like that for a while, and finally I yelled. Actually, I don’t actually remember yelling, though I was sore the next day, so I believe her. All I know is that I was incredibly open to her and out of control, which was really nice. It was really nice when I almost reached breaking point, to hear her behind me going, “Yes!”
It was like a primal victory to get me to that point. [And] that someone wanted that from me was really nice and really helped. And then to be told, “Oh, you’ve been such a good girl! Now you can have whatever you want!” Then she went straight into pleasure stuff, instead of pain-and-pleasure play. I was really open at that point, physically and mentally, and she was able to fist-fuck me for the first time.
After resting a while I was [still] feeling very submissive, and she was feeling keenly dominant, so she had me go down on her and eat her out while she was whipping me. I thought it was great fun. It was incredibly kinky, and I liked the turnaround. I don’t know if it’s true for hetero couples as much, but a lot of times between women there is this thing where, if you’re receiving pleasure, then you’re the bottom. But she was still the top and still beating me, but I was giving her pleasure and making her come. I liked her “making me give her pleasure.” That’s the most intense experience [I’ve had].
[Authors’ note: We first interviewed John in 1991; 10 months later we did a follow-up with him, and at that time we interviewed his wife as well.] 1991: My whole background is one of a lot of sexual repression. Except for four years at [college], I’ve lived all my life in the South. At home, sex was something you just didn’t talk about—really didn’t talk about. One time that I managed to sneak something by my parents, my father took me to the family physician, where I got the story of the birds and the bees. [In] reading, I came across the word rape and looked it up in the dictionary, which told me: “illicit carnal knowledge,” which was a big help! I approached my mom and asked, “What is this?” I think she said, “It’s when a man makes a woman have a baby.” Well, how can that happen? I mean, when two people get married, they have a baby, right? How can a man make a woman have a baby against her will? Eventually the bare mechanics came out. Because of my mother’s extreme discomfort with the subject, the message I got from her was that sex was such a shameful thing! When I heard that this is what you do when you get married, my reaction was, “I will never get married if I have to do that!” Of course, even then I was having S&M fantasies. I didn’t know what they were. I didn’t even know what sex was; it had something to do with my penis.
The first woman I had intercourse with was the woman that I was later to marry. I was almost 26 years old. In the early days of that marriage I felt like for the first time I was free of all the sexual hang-ups. But our first child changed stuff around. Nothing was as easy, nothing was as free, and before long I ended up back in the same shape. There was one very small S&M event with my first wife. We had so many other things to explore that we just didn’t get back to it. Now [that] I am remarried, we have been exploring. I’m a novice, though there’s certainly been a lot happening within the last couple of years, due to some wonderful people that have come into my life: my new wife and my friends in an S&M support group.
My wife’s even more of a novice than I am, not real comfortable with some of it. The psychological aspects of D&S are less comfortable for her even than whacking me with a whip. She’s letting me push her a little. For example, I’ll come up with an idea, and we’ll do it. It ranges from me getting tied up and whipped a little bit to playing around with pins and needles.
I guess what excites me most is genital torture. I started off thinking that I wanted the pain. I found out that when I got out of fantasy and into reality that it hurts. Kind of obvious! But that didn’t lessen my interest; I’d like to go further. But I’m not quite as sure anymore that it’s actually the pain I want or something else that happens along with the pain. Or because of the pain. Or in spite of the pain.
Among my most exciting real-life experiences, the first thing that comes to mind is something that happened a year ago. It was accidental, which may have something to do with why it’s memorable and exciting. We were playing around with this little whip that I made out of clothesline. I was naked and with my feet far apart and my hands tied behind my back. She was hitting me with some force. The end of the whip caught the tip of my penis and caught it pretty good. I hollered. My wife dropped the whip because it scared her. I said, “Grab it [the penis] and hold on,” which is exactly what I would have done if my hands had been free. She did. At that moment I felt the most overwhelming feeling of love. It was terrific.
I haven’t acted on my sexuality very much. What’s caused me to change is [Sara], with whom I have had a friendship relationship for about 15 years. It took time, but eventually I got where I could open up to her about my problems and my hang-ups, my strange desires. It was a real healing force. I regret that I have wasted so many years … but better late than never.
1992: A number of things have happened this year. One of them is that my relationship with my wife has gotten to the point where there’s very little now that she isn’t willing to do to me. I think it was just a matter of getting comfortable with it, beginning to understand that sometimes pain is not pain—it’s something else, too. And to trust that when I said I wanted her to whip me, that’s really what I meant. I wanted it to hurt. It’s a hard thing to believe sometimes.
At first, Sara was uncomfortable and uncertain, [but] I think it was always her intent to be supportive. [Now] we can do some fairly heavy scenes. I think she has come to see this process as one which she has an interest in and a stake in, also.
Since we talked [last], I have developed an immensely higher comfort level with this sexuality. I’ve come out to my brother and sister. [My daughter] expressed not a great deal of surprise and not a great deal of interest when I warned her and her boyfriend about some videotapes of porn that they might find in the back of the cabinet. She thought it was okay: “Whatever turns you on.” She and I have a fairly deep relationship. We’ve always been pretty open talking about sex.
All of this had really given me a whole lot of confidence. I’m not ready to hang up a whip on my wall at work—not quite!—but I do wear a leather armband virtually everywhere now.
[My wife] can tie me up quite thoroughly and whip me till I’m screaming. I also like sharp-pointed things in certain sensitive spots. She’s willing to make me jump and squeal with needles, and she has a very sharp pair of tweezers that she has fun with.
More and more since we’ve been able to really get into stuff, we’ve gotten into cock-and-ball torture of various sorts. That includes putting on clothespins and pliers and even alligator clips to pinch. Cock-and-ball torture and genital torture generally have been part of my fantasy life since I was a kid. When I was growing up, there were some little kind of thorny things—we called them sandspurs or bulldogs. I used to thread them on a string and wrap them around my penis. I remember one time I got a pair of underwear and put a bunch of these inside. That turned out to be a little too much, but I then took an old pair [of shorts] and cut a flap where the crotch was so that it wouldn’t be tight—it’d just rub and bounce. That worked out real well.
I think we have a ways to go before we really have a good D&S dynamic in our play. What lacks [now] is me feeling submissive. I feel that very rarely with my wife. [She] knows it. That’s one of the real strengths of the relationship: We talk very candidly about all this stuff. I’m hoping that it will come simply with increasing comfort. I’m hoping that we will begin to spend some more time on the head-trip aspect and not just on what you can do with the body.
I think the secret of our success is simply that we have a very open relationship; we are as honest with each other as we know how to be in all areas. We talk about sexual matters very easily and openly, and very often when we have had some D&S play, we’ll go over it later on [and] talk about it. It’s really helped us.
[Before meeting John], I was aware that this sort of stuff went on. In fact, I had a relationship with someone who probably would have liked this sort of thing, though we did not do very much. I’m not quite sure how this information was conveyed to me, but I knew that he would like to be whipped. I was very reluctant to do that sort of thing. My own sense of myself is of a person with needs for power, and I find this scary. So seeing myself as someone who would like very much to dominate other people [is something] I try and step back from.
At a certain point John was willing to share with me that he had fantasies which involved mainly submission. I had a mixed response. At times some of the things that he might fantasize about people doing, or even himself doing, were repellent. Some other things were just interesting.
I was initially willing to try bondage and had interest in both directions—not only in binding but in being bound. When I was a preteenager a male cousin and I had a game of tying each other up. The idea was to see who could tie someone up so that they could not get loose. I recall enjoying that game and being good at it and able to tie [him] up [so] that he could not get loose, whereas he could never do that to me. So the idea of bondage as such probably was not as strange as it might have [otherwise] been.
In fact, I remember somebody actually doing that years ago and my finding it scary. What was scary about it was being helpless, because there have to be levels of trust in these things. If you are not trusting, then it is another kind of experience. I am mistrustful of people and the possibility that they might misuse the situation. With my husband, what happened was that he talked about it, [and] I said, “Okay.” I brought out some ropes; I think he was surprised. I’m sort of amused by a lot of this. I can’t say that there’s a big sexual charge, but there is certainly some amusement.
I’m interested in dominance, but I’m not interested in sadism. The idea of hurting somebody is not appealing, even when they want to be hurt. The idea of causing welts and stripes and blood really is not especially appealing. These are things that my husband has liked to have happen to him. I think he still has trouble asking for something of that sort. He knows that I am uncomfortable with it. I’m more willing to experiment with different accoutrements, more willing to keep going—instead of five slaps, 15. So both in terms of variety and intensity, I’m willing to do more … and in the process I am probably causing more pain than I might once have, having realized that it’s not terribly dangerous.
Our whole culture tells women that you don’t cause pain, that you’re nice. So there does seem something wrong about standing in front of someone who can’t protect himself, with crops or paddles or whips, and causing hurt and seeing the physical evidence of that. [I still feel that way] at times. One of the things that I try to do is get a reaction without [inflicting] a lot of pain. You can wallop the hell out of somebody, or you can strike them in a sensitive place, not especially hard, but in ways that get a reaction. I try to do the latter. [My husband] would like both. He was delighted [once] when I was annoyed and hit a little too hard. He wandered around for a week with welts and bruises. I was not happy about that. I thought that was a loss of control on my part. He thought it was wonderful.
While I might be the dominant, my husband is the leader. He’s the one who has taken us to this, and [he] knows far more about it than I do. I appreciate that, because if it were left up to me, we wouldn’t do it. And I would like to go on exploring. His interest in these things has been aided and abetted by outsiders who have, I think, given him permission to do things that he originally might not have thought he could. He was then able to come to me with this and say, “This might be okay. Is it really okay?” I’ve been very supportive. I might not always want to participate in something, but I feel that it’s important that he tries to explore what he can, and I’ll do what I can.