EIGHTEEN
“I think,” said Brown, “that when we are children we are much more inclined to be fetishists of one kind or another. I remember hiding inside of my mother’s closet and feeling ecstasy at smelling her clothes and feeling them. Even today I cannot resist a woman who is wearing a veil or tulle or feathers.… ”
—ANAÏS NIN1
The sacred and profane are nowhere more intimately intertwined than in the realm of fetishism, whose linguistic identity itself originates in the religious and whose practices often involve elaborate, sometimes ecstatic rituals. Fetishism always has been a fertile field for sexuality research, both because of its apparently infinite permutations and its conduciveness to theorizing. The arguments on nurture versus nature are heated: Some believe that fetishistic interests in adults are the result of traumatic events in infancy and early childhood. To others, genetic predisposition is the dominant influence.
In this chapter we profile two individuals who bring distinct perspectives to fetishism:
• Dian Hanson is the editor of Leg Show magazine. She is 40 years old and was twice married and divorced. She is now in a long-term monogamous relationship.
• Ava Taurel owns and operates a New York—based company that specializes in D&S psychodrama. She has lectured on S/M at New York University’s Human Sexuality program and Rutgers Medical School and at other schools nationwide. She is 47 years old.
The definitions of fetish are so numerous that one would not be completely amiss in saying that each of us, to one degree or another, has at least one. Would Linus in the comic strip Peanuts be the same without his little blanket?
There is not an organ of the human body, not a single article of clothing or of daily use which may not become an object of fetishism.
—WILHELM STEKEL2
The word fetish derives from the Portuguese feitiço. It was apparently first used by 15th Century Portuguese explorers to describe West African sacred carvings. In its original (and current anthropological) meaning, fetish refers to a sacred artifact invested with spiritual or talismanic power. The erotic fetish is not merely a symbol of the divine but is itself divine. It possesses a discrete power: It can arouse and, sometimes, induce ecstasy in its devotee. For fetishists, a shoe may be sexier than the foot it adorns; lingerie more enticing than the erotic anatomy it screens; a rubber coat more stimulating than the person it contains.
Fetishism is a translocation of desire: The sexual impulse is directed away from genitalia and toward another part of the body or to an object. To Freud, this turning away clearly implied castration anxiety, and neo-Freudians proceed from this basis. To Jung, fixation on objects associated with childhood sexual encounters implied arrested sexual development. (Indeed, contemporary psychiatrists, such as Otto Kernberg, attribute all sadomasochistic acts to arrested development, although such analyses are no longer necessarily censorious.) Contemporary theorists are still wrangling over the etiology of fetishism.
The clinical definition of a fetishist is someone who cannot be aroused without the fetish item. Formerly a distinction was drawn between the erotic interest in inanimate objects (fetishism) and erotic interest in parts of the body (partialism). Modern theorists, however, expand the definition of fetishism to embrace both.
So varied are the types of fetishism that have been studied in the last century that a plethora of subcategories exists. A short list includes hyphephilia (arousal by human hair, animal fur, leather, and fabrics, especially upon erogenous zones); mysophilia (arousal by smelling or chewing soiled and/or sweaty apparel); olfactophilia (arousal by the odors of parts of the body); and transvestophilia (arousal from wearing the clothing, especially underclothing, of the opposite sex).
The American fixation on female breasts is really fetishism by popular consensus. Women who opt for breast augmentation can bear testimony to the American equation of buxom and sexy. What we believe to be sexually acceptable is always culturally determined. In America even disfigurements of the female form, such as implants that result in titanic but nonfunctional protrusions, are sometimes admired. In other cultures different body parts excite the erotic appetite. In Japan, for example, the nape of the neck is tantalizingly sexy; in some African cultures, bulky haunches are a paradigm of femininity; in China, it’s a petite foot.
To be out of sexual syncopation with your society’s beauty standards puts one at a distinct disadvantage; the American man who prefers a foot to a breast is likely to be viewed with discomfort or antipathy.
A lot of what I do in Leg Show is work to make the readers feel better about their fetishes, because I get letters every week from men who have attempted suicide, who’ve spent years in therapy trying to rid themselves of something as simple as a desire to kiss women’s feet—something as healthy and nonthreatening, nondangerous as foot fetishism or shoe fetishism or stocking fetishism. But because it’s not acceptable in our culture, most of these men do not let anyone, including their wives, know about their interests.
—DIAN HANSON
Why it is that an object may be more exciting than a person, or a part more exciting than the whole, has been a source of lengthy debate.
I always thought that the whole body was beautiful; [that] the whole was a work of art. Therefore, liking a part of the body was not a sick thing, just a puzzling thing. Why do I like this part more than that part? I don’t know, but I just do. There’s no difference between [my] fondling a foot and a straight man fondling a woman’s breast. A body part is a body part.
—DOUG GAINES
Pioneering studies of sexual fetishism were undertaken by the father of standardized testing, Alfred Binet, in 1891. Binet theorized that fetishism is acquired largely through association. For example, if a boy has an erection at the moment he sees a woman remove her fur coat, he will from then on equate his excitement with the act or the object and become dependent upon fur for excitement. This theory is supported by anecdotal information and may help explain why men are more often observed to be fetishistic.
When we’re young, we’re down on the floor [and] we’re around feet before the age where we learn disgust for these odors. We’re not born being disgusted by physical odors. Human odors are meant to be alluring. We’re down there and there is a fascinating odor, often accompanied by stimulation, particularly for a boy. A boy has a meter of his stimulation that a woman doesn’t: his penis. So the boy smells the foot; his penis can become erect without him even thinking about sex, because our nose goes to the old brain.
—DIAN HANSON
Women, differently equipped, do not have as conspicuous a signal of arousal. Yet many of the women we interviewed reported that they were fetishists; more women, indeed, volunteered this information than men.
I had a fetishistic revelation: For some reason belts really [and specifically] turn me on, aside from the whole turn-on of being beaten.
—JOHANNA
I like leather clothing, I like leather toys, and I especially like leather boots. I am a boot fetishist, whether running my tongue across them or wearing them. I fetishize uniforms and ultramasculine attire, whether Fruit of the Looms, white Jockey shorts, or a three-piece suit. I like police uniforms. I also fetishize Victorian garb on other women.
—LAURA ANTONIO
It has been a clinical truism for decades that fetishists are uniquely male although extensive case studies of female fetishists abound in the earlier psychological literature. There are documented cases of grown women with fetishes for dolls or who were erotically addicted to satin.3
We believe that both genders are equally likely to be fetishistic, but that from childhood on, men are apt to be more aware of the erotic connection because their arousal is visible. As adults, they are more assertive in seeking out encounters and discussing the interest. Women are liable to be unaware of the connection between object or act and personal arousal. And since women are usually discouraged from acting on their sexual impulses, they probably are more likely to hide their desires, even from themselves. Meanwhile, women have sanctioned outlets for fetishistic urges. They may collect shoes, for example, without stirring comment.
Perhaps the reason many of our female subjects identify themselves as fetishists has to do with the general tendency of D&S females to identify and experiment with a diversity of erotic stimuli and to acknowledge sexual quirks openly.
In response to Binet’s associative theory, Krafft-Ebing proposed another analysis: Some children are predisposed to become excited. Krafft-Ebing’s “constitutional theory” became the standard behind which the psychological community rallied for a time. It tied in with an accepted tenet of psychological theory that mental deviation is either the product of injury or disease of the central nervous system, or it is a congenital condition. Sigmund Freud later emphasized a similar conclusion. Such personality theories are, at best, debatable. Reliable scientific study of environment’s effect on sexuality is virtually impossible (sexual research remains anecdotal), and genetic research is still emerging.
John Money’s concept of lovemaps—a primarily philosophical catchall concept that emphasizes environmental factors—has won some popularity. It posits that trauma can cause the fetishistic impulse. For example, the child whose parent teaches him to respond with deep shame or disgust to genitalia may then direct his lust to a less emotionally charged object.
The fetish and talismanic stratagem requires that the partner be saved from lust and that some token, the fetish or talisman, be the object of lust instead.
—JOHN MONEY4
None of our interviewees reported a specifically and sexually traumatic link, although it is impossible to ignore the amount of guilt and shame many fetishists experience. It seems likely that low self-esteem and fetishism are inextricably intertwined in most fetishists, and not that one necessarily proceeds from the other. Self-acceptance among fetishists is among the lowest of any category of sexual diversity. The lonely fetishist stealing secret moments to indulge his interest is a distressingly common phenomenon.
The feelings of difference were tough. “Why am I different? Why do I have to be different? Why can’t I be like everybody else and react the same way as everybody else instead of having this extra heartbeat kicker happening whenever I see an amputee?” This seems to be much more of a positive, now.
—ROB
The first conscious memories of fetish experience are often pleasurable ones.
The origin of my rubber fetish is obviously at the pleasing hands of an adult. This causes many of the several thousand fellow professionals who have heard my story to attempt to make that encounter traumatic. It was not, in any way. Recently one person tried to have me admit that I might have suffered when I discovered what a horrible thing was done to me, but I haven’t discovered that yet.
—THOMAS O. SARGENT5
I remember at the age of four having some neighbor men chase us around and tease us kids playing tag in the front yard. One neighbor caught me and pretended to sit on me. I said, “Whatever you do, don’t put your feet in my face.” He slipped off his moccasin and shoved his foot in my face—which was just what I wanted. This is before I was even aware of sexuality. I knew [what] I had was an intrinsic interest in the foot, and I was a precocious little runt who manipulated this man into doing what I wanted him to do. The interest was [already] there.
—DOUG GAINES
One interviewee described feeling consoled by rubber after an early problem with bed-wetting.
The only childhood experience I can relate that has shaped my current sexual orientation is that when I was very young I used to wet the bed, and my mother made me sleep on a rubber sheet. I grew so attached to it that when I stopped wetting, I kept a piece of the sheet in bed with me and couldn’t fall asleep without it. Finally, my mother had to bribe me—I was about five—to get that piece of rubber away. To this day the smell of latex and baby powder gives me a tremendous visceral jolt. Talk about being imprinted!
—ALLEN
The actual physical objects that may become the center of fetishistic desire vary wildly. Dr. Money organizes fetishes into two types.
There are two classes of fetishes: the smellies and the feelies. For the fetishist, the smell or feel of the fetish is, in each instance, associated with the human body—for example, the smell of shoes or jockstraps, or the feel of hair, fur, silk, rubber (from training pants), and so on.
—JOHN MONEY6
We add to these the tasties and the seeies, and even the hearies, as fetishists describe other senses besides smell and feel as key to their arousal. Some interviewees believe that fetishes engage all the senses.
Despite apparent similarities, each fetishist is unique. Within a single broad classification (for example, rubber fetishists) there is fantastic variety.
Among rubber fetishists, for example, some like latex, others like rubber, some like the material on cloth backing, while others are turned off by the cloth. There are those who like it dry and velvety and those who like it wet, those who are stimulated by the smell of urine and sweat, and those who are fastidious, those who like it tight fitting and those who like it loosely caressing, those who enjoy manual stimulation of themselves and those who like to lie on it, those who prefer it with a partner, others who want it alone, those who prefer a female partner, those who prefer male, and those who enjoy both. Some prefer this or that taste, sound, smell, or feel, and may be turned off by other types of rubber. There are those who prefer rubber gloves, those who like baby pants, book bags, bathing caps, balloons, condoms, boots, bloomers, bathing suits, beach bags, those who desire rubber aprons and those who exist for a red rubber coat with a double back, rubber on the outside and smelling and rustling exactly like their fantasy.
—THOMAS O. SARGENT7
Virtually anything can be the object of fetishistic adulation. In an erotic context the fetish object is invested with all the dark mystery and allure usually attributed to a partner or a partner’s erogenous zones.
If a person responds more to the clothing than to you as a person, you can feel diminished. The sad part of it is that there are people who respond more to the clothing.
—AVA TAUREL
While fetishists may be thrilled by a particular object, some enjoy an entire outfit.
I have a wonderful playmate. He is a very visual person and he gets turned on by different looks—uniforms, spandex, rubber, leather.
—JEFF BRITTON
For dominants, wearing a complete fetish outfit is an opportunity to don the cloak of authority; for submissives, the outfit signifies power.
To lick the boots or smell the feet of a policeman or a person in uniform is very erotic. That symbol of authority is very popular among our fetishists. For some the idea of being the foot slave to a successful businessman—to be his desk as he works—is very exciting. So there are some who like to worship a person in a position of power. Others simply like certain types of shoes.
—DOUG GAINES
In this respect, fetishists resemble those who collect diverse wardrobes to reflect different moods and activities: business clothes, gym outfits, at-home clothes, evening gowns, sexy lingerie. But the fetishist’s purpose is expressly erotic.
Also, despite the depth of their passion, fetishists are rarely faithful to any single object: Most require variety. They typically assemble large collections of articles that meet their individual requirements. While boot fetishists may amass boots in varying styles, and leather fetishists may collect stores of clothing and implements, those who are attracted to a part of the body frequently display a similar sensual philandering. Even though he may remain sexually monogamous, to the foot fetishist, an unfamiliar foot is an intoxicatingly erotic enigma and a new land to conquer—at least in fantasy.
The most common fetish categories include feet, toes, legs, shoes, hose, and boots; lingerie and corsets; lace, leather, fur, silk, velvet, and satin; rubber and latex. A comprehensive list of fetishes is impossible, making the observations of sexologists, psychologists, and the authors of this book little more than collections of interesting anecdotes or basic introductions.
Given the irreproducible nature of fetishism, one can extrapolate from the career of a few fetishists only the careers of those fetishists. Fetishes are specific not only to individuals, but to cultures and historical eras. Fetishes for feet, furs, and shoes were investigated by 19th Century scholars but so were such now-obscure fetish objects as red cockades and collar stays, items now as obscure as some of the researchers themselves. Contemporary fetishes include zippers, plaster leg casts, and disposable diapers. Future generations will undoubtedly revere objects we have not yet invented, just as our ancestors’ fetishes were buried along with their private thoughts.
The fetishist loves the fetish. While the object may seem a strange enticement to nonfetishists, the acts of love are familiar to all. He may hug or fondle the object; he may press his lips to it or press it against his flesh. He may lick it, gaze upon it, sniff it, massage it, or listen to the sounds it makes. He may also—in the case of footwear or clothing—enjoy wearing it or having a partner wear it.
Depending on the person’s emotional demonstrativeness, the adoration may be extravagant or decorous.
For me, foot worship means any type of attention. It means taking my hand and caressing the soles of her feet, sniffing her toes, sucking her toes one by one, tickling her feet until she giggles like a silly schoolgirl, taking her sweating hose and just running it up and down my nose and smelling her sexy aroma after she’s come home after a hard day’s work and kicked off her shoes. That’s what I mean by worship. I get the sexual, erotic feeling while I’m in contact with a woman’s foot. Any time I touch my girlfriend’s feet, I get an erection.
—MARK J.
Although most fetishists prefer partners, for some fetishism is a solitary pursuit. Explanations vary, but the most likely is that shame prevents the fetishist from revealing his interest (or use of the fetish in masturbation) to a partner: It is emotionally easier to indulge the fetish alone. Fetishists with the highest level of self-acceptance generally combine private pleasures and shared activity, much the way most people balance solitary masturbation and intercourse.
D&S frequently plays an intrinsic role in a fetish scenario. Since the fetish has the power to rule its admirer’s passions, the person who wears or wields the fetish takes on the object’s power.
When I wear high boots and leather I feel powerful. I am a very vulnerable person, so I need to compensate. I sometimes have, on a personal level, problems with boundaries. I have to create them artificially, because I don’t always have them within myself.
—AVA TAUREL
Among couples it is common for both partners to wear fetish gear during erotic play or at D&S social activities. As has been stated abundantly in earlier chapters, D&Sers particularly seek to heighten their partners’ arousal. Thus the dominant or submissive whose partner has a fetish is almost certain to indulge that appetite; it is not uncommon for him or her to develop a sympathetic arousal.
Professional dominants usually dress in fetish wear in D&S settings: latex or leather garments, shiny catsuits, exotic footwear, and Victorian garments are particularly popular. Many require the submissive to worship their feet, clothing, or implements in tribute to the dominant’s authority.
Fetish play is incorporated into D&S in dozens of ways. Straight dominant men may restrict their partners’ movement with hobbling, spiked heels—exerting sensual control over the fetish. Lesbian submissives may pay homage to their partner’s boots by licking or polishing the leather, surrendering sensual control to the fetish. The fetish objects have a vibrant and vital identity.
[Clients who like fetish clothing] like to look at it, to smell it, to kiss it, or they want to relate to the garment. Same with shoes: They like to smell the shoes, kiss the shoes, be subservient to the shoes.
—AVA TAUREL
In some cases power exchange is limited to the fetish only.
I’m open to a little bit of S&M if it deals with feet. If a woman wants me to use her as a foot mat, I would like that.
—MARK J.
For others, fetish worship is merely one component of a complex D&S scenario. Some fetishists, however, are distinctly uninterested in any overt expression of D&S. For them, the fetish is a sensual enhancement on the order of candlelight and flowers. And some fetishists fantasize about D&S but feel so uncomfortable with their image of power relationships that they suppress the impulse.
Generally, the fetish is a sacred and glorious aphrodisiac. But while a vast majority of fetishists treat the fetish object with great respect and tenderness, some treat it roughly. Again individual psychology applies. Power usually inspires awe, but it can certainly incite rebellion or rough play. Ticklers, for example, may subject feet to an intense sensation not always pleasurable to the foot’s owner; some ticklers enjoy persisting until the partner loses bladder control, weeps, or begs for mercy.
The reasons people enjoy fetishes can best be compared to the reasons people like sex: The same rewards apply. Thus, any enumeration of pleasures will be incomplete. The fetishist experiences transcendent excitement and complete sensory pleasure; she may experience a nearly religious ecstasy or spiritual melding at the moment of contact with the object; the fetish is a source of aesthetic delight. It may also be a benevolent force which protects and consoles.
Elmer Batters, who originated a lot of the 1950s leg-art magazines, is in his 70s, and he has spent all of his life exploring foot and leg fetishism. He says it comes down to security: that a child who has a very loving mother, the mother will cuddle the child to the bosom when the child is frightened. A mother who is more withholding will not pick the child up so readily, and the child is left clinging to her legs. We see this all the time—a child down there, holding onto his mother’s legs for security. He feels that the legs and the feet represent security. I know that that’s true of men who are breast fetishists. It’s not just sex; [it is] the comfort that we felt when we were carefree infants. I think we want love, we want acceptance.
—DIAN HANSON
Feelings of comfort, security, joy, emotional completion, and love are as intrinsic to fetishism as to any other positive sexual act. But there is no need to overstate the case: For some, a fetish is simply a means of whetting one’s appetite or enhancing one’s orgasm. While some fetishists may nearly swoon with desire, others are decidedly playful and casual about the thing which delivers sensual fulfillment.
Leg Show magazine originated about 10 years ago in the old tradition of leg-art magazines, which started in the 1950s before they could show much more than leg. Legs were much more popular back then. When I took it over about six years ago, it was a mishmash of leg art and misunderstood foot fetishism.
I started reading the mail, and [it] was phenomenal. People described in detail what they were interested in, like none of the other magazines I’d ever worked for. I’ve been in [the men’s magazine] business 15 years. So I began to hone the magazine along the lines of the readers’ interests. The women are not necessarily nude, but they are almost always in a position of power. It’s very much about power relationships. Generally, the men are submissive, though there are dominant men who also read Leg Show, and I do present some women who are submissive for that.
I know that there are a lot of gay foot fetishists. And I have a large transvestite audience for Leg Show and a lot of my readers will also accept TV feet. Readers are also interested in buttocks.
I have a deep interest in sexual psychology. I read widely. I know that a fetish is not something we seek; none of us seek to be different. We all want to be normal. We have fetishes because of events in our early childhood. They’re extremely difficult to get rid of once we have them, and for the most part, they are absolutely harmless. They are the ultimate safe sex. If a man has a shoe fetish, who is he hurting? No one. If he feels guilty about it and suppresses it, he’s removing pleasure from his life. If he can come to grips with it and find peace within himself about his fetish, and practices it in a sane way, he will be getting the most pleasure he can out of the situation. I definitely am a proponent of adjustment to the situation and seeking pleasure in it.
I think a desire to be loved is so entwined with sexuality [that] it could not be separated from any sex. We all want to be loved. In most pornography they attempt to completely separate lust and love and present this [as] You go have sex and you go away, and neither one of you cares, but it’s great. I don’t think it’s great if there’s absolutely no love attendant.
Most of my readers are very, very embarrassed about their fetishes, even the simplest fetish. I have developed tremendous sympathy towards my readers. It really has to do with their attitude about their sexual interest. When the reader feels that his fetish, his interest, his leaning, is despicable, he communicates that to his mate. When he can come to feel that it’s a gift—and indeed, I think a fetish can be a gift—it is a way for an individual to find pleasure that is denied other individuals.
I’m appalled by what our Puritan culture does to people. Our culture first creates all these fetishes by suppressing positive images of sexuality in youth, and then, when the person develops the fetish, which is the natural end result of that, the person is further punished and reviled.
I think the root of paraphilias is sexual repression in youth. In primitive societies the children knew about sexuality. In our society no matter how you’re raised, you experience sexual repression. Even if your home is fairly enlightened, you’re going to experience it in school, among your friends, in every other area of society. And the word is [that] there is no sexuality until we’re 18 years old or no sexuality until we reach puberty. The truth is that we are sexual from the moment of birth. That doesn’t mean that we should be having sex, but we have sexual awareness and it needs to be taken into consideration.
There’s a lot of dispute about why submission and fetishism are so often connected. I feel that a lot of the men despise themselves when they discover that there is something unusual about their sexuality. They feel abnormal from the day they discover it and hate themselves for it. They expect hatred, they expect ill treatment; so if they can completely subjugate themselves to the woman, then maybe they can make up for this bad thing in them and be loved. They can atone for it.
[All this said], I would like to say that I speak in generalities. There are people who read Leg Show who just want to see pretty leg art. There’s every possible kind of reader, but there are tendencies for power relationships among people who are fetishists. I think our society as a whole tends towards power relationships. I think we’re a very power oriented, aggressive society, and an aggressive society is going to have power relationships. That doesn’t go only with sexuality: We have power relationships with our platonic friends. It is the nature of our society. I encourage my readers to make peace with their unusual sexuality, because I don’t think they really have a choice. They can either live miserable lives of denial, fighting against it [or] they can find ways to make it work for them and to get the most happiness they can out of it.
I have a bachelor’s degree from New York University in field production. Aside from owning Taurel Enterprises—which supplies talent, wardrobe, and locations—I work as a photographer and journalist. I interview celebrities. I’ve also produced and directed videos and worked in distribution. I’ve been associate producer for feature films. I have acted in seven [foreign] feature films where I played leading roles.
As for D&S, there is my professional relationship to it and there is my personal relationship to it: Those are two very different things. On a professional level, I work as a dominatrix [and] I have more limits. On the personal level, I enjoy being both dominant and submissive. [Also], on the personal level, I am sexual, which I cannot be on the professional level. It’s against the law and I have to be careful because of the high profile I have now in the media. I have to be very strict about where I stand legally.
I have clients who see me personally and clients who see women who are independent contractors for the company I own. Most [clients] are lawyers. That’s the [most common] characteristic: The definite majority are lawyers. Twenty-five hundred people have come here. Most are fairly trusting, which is an important factor: to be willing to trust another human being. Many of them, of course, are very [nervous] yet trusting. I would say half of them are good manipulators. They come to submit, yet they’re very keen on having a particular kind of person, a particular kind of scene. They’re very picky, and I guess, very dominant, in a sense. I very seldom see couples. The few females who have come here have come to learn what to do to men, not to be dominated themselves. I’ve dominated women on a personal level, but not as clients.
[Personally], I enjoy wearing a latex catsuit, because it fits very tightly all over the body. If I wear leather garments, I like to wear a lower-cut leather jacket. I have to wear things that are good for my figure. I’m busty, so I like to show off my bust, and I like to wear tight-fitted corsets. I have many made by B.R. Creations. I like to wear lace-up corsets and then I like to wear black spandex tights and either high boots or spike-heeled shoes. This is how I feel I look the best. I also have [a mixture of red and black] latex dresses [which are] cut [low] in the front, and I have an assortment of shoes and boots [in] different styles. I like variety.
Let’s say a person first submits to the clothes and to the persona he imagines within these clothes: I feel that as the session progresses, he will feel my personality, the strength of my soul, of my being, of my intellect, and will submit to that. [I] assert my personality over his image of me. The image of the clothes will always be there. It will always fascinate him, but at the same time, as I reveal myself, especially as a real being, I tend to stand away from the clichés of dominance. I tend to avoid having a submissive say, “Yes, Mistress, thank you, Mistress.” I cannot stand those typical phrases. I want different kinds of responses. I look for things to say that are different from the standard; [it must be] something that appeals to me, so I don’t feel that I’m just a tape recorder repeating certain monotone phrases that were scripted for mistresses.
[It’s] the same when I interview women who come to work for me. I have them improvise. You discover a person’s creativity by how much they go outside of the stereotypes, what they bring in of their own personal style. That’s what makes a mistress—personal style. It’s a signature.
One third of the people who come here would like to cross-dress. They’re basically heterosexual men, though we also have bisexual men who [might] like to cross the line and be a female with a man, but [who are] too afraid to make that step. Most of the men want to be males, but [to] explore their female sides. They want to be a lesbian with a woman. We do not provide fetish garments for cross-dressers here. They have to bring them on their own. Here they usually come for female lingerie or normal female clothing. Sizes are so varied, and they couldn’t afford us dressing them up in fetish clothing. I did some of it in the beginning, but it was not worthwhile. Basically men who bring their own wardrobe bring petticoats or frills and nylons.
One [unusual fantasy] that comes to my mind is a man who wanted to experience childbirth. He wanted to wear a tight female corset, high-heeled shoes, be bound genitally, and have an enema session, which would be prolonged over three hours. It was basically verbal: preparing him with the exercises for giving birth. The water inside his stomach was to blow up his stomach so that he would feel there was a child inside of him and would have to expel this child. He really wanted to feel what the woman goes through to give birth. That stays in my mind.
I think I’m a great mistress if a submissive is inspiring. If the submissive is a blob, is deadpan in front of me, I’ll be a terrible mistress. This is very dangerous and very destructive for a mistress, and that’s why I stopped doing professional dominance to a great extent a few years ago. I had to stop because I was destroying it for myself. There comes a moment when you know what you can do creatively. [But then] you put out that information, that energy, with someone who you feel is totally unreceptive and who doesn’t have the strength within to appreciate your finesse, or your art, or your psychology; [someone] who is looking for something very, very simple and very rudimentary.
You cannot be creative, so you turn to memories of other sessions where you [were] and try to re-create them. You imitate what you have done creatively before, and you give [an] imitation to the uninspiring submissive in front of you. [By] doing that, you are prostituting your art. You diminish yourself.
Personally, I feel very unfulfilled after a session like that. And yet the person has paid a high fee to come and see you, and you are supposed to [play] the role. Now I own my own company, and I have other people who make money for me. I can see just the people who I can be really creative with. But, for example, the other day someone came to see me, and I was very disappointed. I thought it went very well. I thought that I got him where I wanted him to be. At the end, he said, “All this does for me is take away stress. It’s relaxing.” The way he said that I felt, Gee, you didn’t appreciate any of it? Is that all it did for him? I was so disappointed, I went home that night and just felt horrible. [I do know that] people have a lot of guilt sometimes. It’s painful with someone who feels so guilty about having enjoyed themselves.