OCCUPATION: WORLD’S GREATEST RIFFMEISTER
Malcolm Young bought a brand-new Jaguar in 1992 and didn’t sell it till 2006. Okay, there’s nothing wrong with that, but he didn’t buy anything else, either. He doesn’t really give a shit about motorcars, he’s the James May of rock ’n’ roll. Then again, he’s had the same guitar since 1974.
He just bought a 2008 Nissan people-carrier. (I mean, what else could they carry?) He likes it a lot. I wouldn’t worry so much, but this is the lad who wrote riffs like “Highway to Hell” and “Shook Me All Night Long” and loads of other great shit.
Which throws out the window all my theories about rock ’n’ roll and cars. Christ on a bike, how could he do this to me?
But the Lord visited Mal the other day and He did say unto him, “Malcolm, you must go unto the light and speak with your spirit within, that spirit being Jonna.”
And lo and befuckinghold, he did!
“Hey, Jonna, that Bentley Continental looks nice. I might buy one.”
I looked at him like I’d just farted. He looked at me like he was just going to. My heart raced and my shoes unlaced. Was this it? The breakthrough? Mal, my Mal, was becoming a born-again motorist. I sang:
(To the tune of “Onward Christian Soldiers”)
Onward Saabs and Audis,
Chryslers, Jags, and Fords,
Ferrari, Maseratis,
Morgans, Fiats, Cords,
Bentley Continental, Bee Em Double U’s,
Lamborghini Muiras, Aston Martins, too.
Mal is actually thinking
Of buying a new car.
I bet my bottom dollar
It’s a Jaguar.
You know, there’s a song in there somewhere. Oh shit, I missed out Mercedes and a load of others.
Then Mal said, “Ah, we’re too busy right now. I think I’ll wait till the tour finishes in a year and a half.”
Busy, too fuckin’ busy! I’ve got to help this lad out.
P.S.: Dear Mal, I take no responsibility for what happened on this page. It was my hand what done it—Brian.