MAKING BEAUTIFUL CARS AWFUL
Janis Joplin, the most fucked-up, drugged-up, and propped-up female singer of the sixties, famously wondered in song why the good Lord wouldn’t buy her a Mercedes-Benz. I am so happy she never actually drove one whilst I or any of my family members were around.
Today I live in America and I see Pimp My Ride cars driven by rap stars and I just laugh. What on earth makes them think they can out-think a BMW, Bentley, Mercedes, or Porsche car designer? But these buggers have chorus lines like “I shot my granny in the temple, not inside the temple but in the temple, shit, you know, the one on the side of the head, on the side of the road.” And some of their chromium penis extensions are majestically awful; some of the wheel rims look like they’ve been designed by Ray Charles or George Dubya Bush’s geography teacher. The gold-toothed, sixteen-charm-wearing, diamond-through-the-nose cretins who drive these cars designed for aristocraps make a regular guy wanna cry. These are the cars that should be keyed or used in a ram raid, preferably with the owners strapped to the front. These are the cars that should be stolen without delay, and shipped to Russia or China or Romania, anyfuckingwhere but near me! These cars make my arse feel like a breakaway republic, and that’s not pleasant.
Woah, Brian, son, steady, take a deep breath. Shhhh, there, there. Phew, that was a close one, I nearly lost it there . . .