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“WHERE AM I? WHAT IS the meaning of this? This is your witchcraft, isn’t it? You’re responsible for this!”
Aurora tried to avert her eyes as the emperor carried on. “Ahem.”
He paced back and forth, seemingly unaware of something that he should have been very aware of. “This is completely unheard of! How is this happening? How can you be standing in one spot one moment, and then—”
“AHEM!” She cleared her throat a bit louder this time. “You’re still naked.”
“Oh, bloody hell!” The emperor clapped both hands over his nether region and blushed like a schoolboy. “So I am...”
“So you are.” Aurora’s eyes danced in every direction. They were standing in the middle of a forest, but she’d tread through the woods enough times to know she was nowhere near her cottage. The trees in Avalon were taller, broader. “Can’t you find a giant leaf or something?”
“A giant leaf?! For what?!”
“For... you know...” Without looking in his direction, Aurora tried to motion below his waist. “That.”
“How kind of you to notice I’d need a giant leaf. I’m flattered.”
Aurora clapped a hand over her eyes. “No! I mean... I didn’t... I wasn’t referring...” She ran the hand down the length of her face with a groan. “I wasn’t even looking!”
“But you did look.”
“Well...”
“You’re not doing much to dispel my original impressions of you, you know,” the emperor continued. “I woke up one morning and you were in my bed. Now you’ve used your voodoo magic to strip me of my clothes, and you expect me to believe you’re not trying to seduce me?”
“Me seduce you?” Aurora laughed at the prospect. “To be honest, you’re one of the most horrid people I’ve ever met! Why in the world would I want to seduce you?”
“I’m royalty, for one.” He almost lifted a hand to hold up a finger, but he remembered that it was essential to keep his hands where they were. “Secondly... I would need a giant leaf, as you so politely pointed out, and if that doesn’t tempt you—”
“It doesn’t!”
He rolled his dark eyes. “Lies.”
“IT DOESN’T! Ugh! I’ve never even seen a naked man before today! How in the world would I know if you’re giant if I don’t have anything to compare it to?”
“Lucky guess.” Suddenly, Aurora got up and started walking off in a random direction. The emperor watched her for a few seconds, then quickly hurried after her. “Wait, where are you going?”
“Away.”
“Where’s away?”
“I don’t know! Why do you think I know where we’re going?”
“It was your witchcraft that brought us here, woman.”
“I had no idea you’d be coming with me. That was a surprise. A very unpleasant surprise, might I add.”
“Do you think I’m happy to be here? This is, quite frankly, the worst day of my life! You can’t expect me to be chipper when I know you’re the one responsible for this, can you? I’m very, very naked, and I’m stuck in these awful woods, and who do I have to thank for it?”
Aurora whirled around and glared at him. “Do you think I’m enjoying myself? Is that what you think? I’m every bit as miserable as you are, if not more so!”
“Oh, I highly doubt that.”
“I have you as company. That makes me the miserable one.”
“Ha ha. Very funny. You could at least apologize or something. You don’t deny that you’re the one who’s responsible for this... that the only reason I’m here right now is because of some sort of wicked magic of yours. If I knew I was responsible for someone else’s misfortune, I would—”
“Apologize?!” Aurora lifted her head and cackled to the sky. “You actually think you’d apologize?! Give me a break. You’re the most pompous human being I’ve ever met, and thank God I’m at liberty to tell you this! Now that you’re not surrounded by your guards, I can say exactly what’s on my mind and there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Aurora was moving very quickly in an effort to rid herself of him, so the emperor increased his pace. “Need I remind you that I’m naked because of you? That, at the very least, deserves an apology...”
“Alright, I’m sorry. But you can’t blame this all on me.”
“I can’t?”
“No! I didn’t mean to... well... the whole naked thing was an accident. And I didn’t mean to take you with me!”
“You didn’t?”
“No!”
“You’re not going to try to assassinate me when my back’s turned?”
Aurora clenched her fists as she charged forward. “No, no, and NO!”
“That was just one question. It didn’t require three no’s. You can’t blame me for being a little paranoid right now...”
Aurora stopped walking and turned to face him. Fortunately, he was still making an effort to cover himself, so she didn’t turn around to any unwelcome surprises. “Are you going to follow me?”
“Well, yes.” The emperor shrugged. “You got me into this situation, and I’m hoping you can get me out of it.”
“I can’t stand to be around you! If I could get you out of it, I would have gotten you out of it already!”
“Hm. Good point.”
“Anyway...” Aurora took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and slowly expelled the breath. She went quiet for a moment; her stomach growled during the silence. She was so upset, she almost forgot how hungry she was. “Listen, if you’re going to follow me, can you at least tell me your name? I don’t want to have to go around calling you the emperor all the time.”
“You tell me your name first.”
“Aurora,” she instinctively responded. “My name’s Aurora.”
“Okay, Aurora. But I’m not obligated to tell you my name. You can’t expect someone of my status to be on a first-name basis with a peasant.”
With a frustrated growl, Aurora spun around and started walking again. She could have told him she wasn’t a peasant—that she was, in fact, a princess—but it wasn’t worth the effort. He probably wouldn’t believe her, and she didn’t feel much like a princess anyway. She continued to walk at a brisk pace, hoping he’d eventually drift off and go his own way. But he didn’t. She could hear him crunching leaves underfoot as he walked behind her.
“I really wish you’d slow down,” he had the audacity to request. “I am naked, you know. That means I don’t have any shoes.”
“I’ll slow down if you tell me your name.”
“Lyric.”
“Pardon?”
“Lyric! That’s my name!” he yelped at her. As promised, Aurora slowed her pace, and he stepped up to walk beside her. She wished he hadn’t bothered to catch up to her, as there was something profoundly awkward about walking next to a man without a stitch of clothing. “Emperor Lyric Marsapier Grenovich von Fable.”
“Wow, that’s... quite a mouthful.”
“Yes, I suppose you can say that. You can call me Lyric, if you must.”
She wished she could call him Gone. Absent. Au revoir.
“Now that I’ve gone and told you my name, don’t go thinking we’re friends or anything like that.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Because we’re not. In fact, as soon as I find my guards, I can promise you this: you will be imprisoned. I’m sure that even you can understand that I can’t let you get away with this. You’ve endangered my life...”
“...your dignity.”
“You’ve caused me a great deal of distress.”
“Distress... undressed.” Aurora had to laugh at her rhyme, even if it was a bit inappropriate. When she turned her head to steal a glimpse of him, he didn’t look amused.
“And you mock me.”
She could think of a word that rhymed with mock, but there was no way she could bring herself to say it. “Look, Lyric, I think I see something in the distance. It might be a house.”
He ignored her completely. “When I get back to my palace, I’ll put you in the stockade. Yes... I’ll put you there and let the townspeople throw tomatoes at you. Or is that too lenient? Maybe I should invent a whole new method of punishment in your honor?”
“Lyric, look! A house, look!” She pointed to a small, thatched cottage peeking through the trees.
“Do you care to explain why I should get excited about this? Yes, I can picture it now... we walk up and knock on the door and ask them for a cup of sugar. I’ll let you explain why you’re standing next to a naked man. That should be entertaining.”
Aurora nibbled on her lip. “Oh...right. That would be awkward, wouldn’t it? Strangely enough, I’ve almost forgotten your nakedness.”
“Lovely. I’m glad you’re so relaxed. Meanwhile, I’ve got the wind lapping against my naked behind. You’ll have to forgive me if I haven’t quite forgotten about it yet!”
“Okay, here’s the plan,” Aurora started to propose. “You wait here, and I’ll go knock on the door. If they seem like friendly people, I’ll ask them if they can spare some food, or... or some clothes.”
“What if it’s dangerous?” Before Aurora had a chance to feel touched by his concern for her, he added, “On second thought, never mind. If something bad happens, at least it’ll happen to you and not to me.”
“How sweet of you. Okay, here I go!” Eager to free herself from Lyric, if only for a moment, Aurora ran off in the direction of the cottage. She ran up to the front door, took the door knocker in hand, and gave it a light rap.
“Psst.”
When no one answered, Aurora knocked again.
“PSST!”
Aurora turned to Lyric, who was hiding behind the trees. “Would you stop hissing at me?! I’m trying to listen!”
“Is anyone home?” he asked.
“I don’t know! You have to give them a moment to answer!”
“Well, knock again! I don’t like to be kept waiting.”
Rolling her eyes, Aurora turned around and knocked a third time. Still, there was no answer.
“I don’t think anyone’s coming,” Lyric stated the obvious. He stepped out from behind the tree and headed toward Aurora, waddling like a penguin as he tried to conceal his private parts from view.
“Let’s just wait another minute.”
“No, I’m going in...”
“What?!” As the emperor reached for the doorknob, Aurora grabbed his wrist. “You can’t just go into other people’s houses like that!”
“I can do whatever I want. I’m the emperor.”
“Not here, you aren’t! Who knows where we are right now?”
“Trust me, if you were in my position, you’d want to go inside and find yourself something to wear. Though I hate to deprive you of the comfort you feel in the presence of my naked body, I can’t say I’m particularly happy with my current state of undress.”
“Whoa, whoa!” Aurora was so distracted by his words, she followed him into the house without thinking. “I never said I liked the fact that you were naked! Actually, I hate it!”
“You hate it.“
“Yes!” Now that she was walking behind him, his entire rear end was exposed to her view. As soon as she noticed, she averted her eyes so quickly that she nearly gave herself whiplash.
“Okay, then. If you hate it so much, you can help me look for some pants.”
“Gladly!” Aurora started to cross the room to search a nearby cabinet, her eyes were pulled in another direction. She gasped when she saw it. “Oh my god, look!”
Lyric’s entire body went numb at the sudden urgency in her voice. “What?! What is it?!”
“FOOD!” Aurora ran to a table in the adjoining room, where three bowls of uneaten porridge were untouched, begging to be eaten.
“Is that all?” Lyric scoffed. “You were so excited for a moment, I thought you’d found a gold bar. Or some pants. Some pants would have been nice...”
“You don’t understand. I’m starving!!!” She grabbed the nearest bowl and, using her fingers, she started to shovel the tasteless mush into her mouth. Bland as it was, she’d never tasted anything so delicious. Her stomach was jumping for joy.
“Well, even if I was starving, I wouldn’t eat that slop.” Lyric turned away and continued his search for clothes. As he walked into the next room, he murmured, “You have the table manners of a heathen, by the way...”
Aurora didn’t care what he had to say. She hadn’t eaten anything in almost three days, aside from a few cubes of meat on a stick. Before she knew it, she’d eaten every single bit of porridge from all three bowls. A bit embarrassed, and with a full stomach, Aurora got up and went to look for her companion. She followed him into the next room and found him sitting in a large chair.
Still naked.
“What are you doing?!” she exclaimed. “Did you decide this would be a good time for a rest?”
“Yes. Just like you decided it was a good time to enjoy not one, not two, but three square meals.”
“What happened? You didn’t find any clothes?”
“Yes, actually. There are clothes in that closet over there.”
“This?” Aurora walked over to an enormous oak wardrobe and threw open the door. “Then why are you still naked?”
“Because there isn’t a suitable thing to wear! It’s all women’s clothes, and children’s clothes, and—”
Aurora pulled a huge pair of overalls from the wardrobe. “What about these?”
“Oh... I saw those too. But look! They’re covered in stains, they’re far too big, and... sniff them.”
“SNIFF them?”
“Yes, sniff them!” The emperor insisted. “They smell putrid... like sour, unwashed bodies.”
Despite her better notions, Aurora leaned toward the overalls and took a little whiff of them. “Ew. You’re right.”
“Yes, I’m right! And they’re far too big, by the way. They must belong to a man much larger than me... that’s not to say I’m a small man myself, but you could fit two of me in those!”
Aurora couldn’t disagree with that either. They were enormous. And disgusting. “Well... even huge, soiled overalls have to be better than being naked, right?”
“Hmm. That’s what I was sitting here trying to decide, until you walked in. Normally, when someone walks into a room and sees someone sitting there in the nude, they’ll politely excuse themselves, but I see that isn’t the case with you.”
“Oh, as if you haven’t been naked all day!” Aurora tossed the overalls in Lyric’s direction and peeked into the wardrobe again. “There really isn’t anything else?”
“No. Trust me, I’ve looked.”
Aurora pulled an atrocious pink muumuu from the closet and held it out to him. “You could always wear this instead.”
“Oh, that‘s lovely. I can hardly contain my excitement as I weigh my options. I can dress like a fat, fetid farmer, or I can dress like a someone’s tasteless grandmother. Oh, decisions, decisions...”
Aurora had to bite on her knuckle to contain her laughter. But when she heard someone come in the front door, she was cured of her urge to laugh. “Lyric!” she whispered his name and motioned for him to get up. “I think someone’s here!”
“No, really? Since when did I become deaf? You think I can’t hear someone open up a door?”
“Shh!” Aurora put a finger over her lips in an effort to shut him up. “Just listen!”
Lyric stood next to her and put an ear to the door. “I hear voices.” Now, at least, he had the sense to whisper.
“What are they saying?”
“I don’t know. I can’t make it out. They’re probably saying something about the slop that you devoured.”
“Shhhhh... be very, VERY quiet for a minute!!!” Aurora moved her finger from her lips to Lyric’s, silencing him as she carefully opened the door. She nudged it open an inch or so, giving herself enough space to peer into the other room “Oh my God...”
“Oh my God isn’t good. What is it?”
“See for yourself.”
Lyric peeked over Aurora’s head and into the other room. There were giant bears, walking on two legs, talking—
“...what do you think?”
“...eaten my porridge...”
“...maybe they’re still here?”
Lyric’s jaw dropped. Sensing that he was on the verge of a scream, Aurora clapped her entire hand over his mouth. “Don’t panic,” she tried to talk him down.
“Don’t panic? Are you serious?!”
His words were muffled by her hand, but she somehow understood him. “Maybe we’re not seeing what we think we’re seeing? Maybe they’re in costume?”
“Those are no costumes! Those are bears... bears!”
“Okay, well, that seems to be the case.”
“Let’s go into the bedroom... maybe they’re...”
When they heard what the bears were saying, Lyric’s eyes grew to such a size, they must have been in danger of popping out of his head. Without another word, he grabbed his muumuu and overalls and ran into the wardrobe. Aurora peeked out the door again, saw the bears heading in her direction, and went to join Lyric in the closet.
As large as the wardrobe was, it was still a bit cramped, and he still hadn’t had a chance to put on any clothes. Aurora closed her eyes and prayed she didn’t touch him—or that they wouldn’t be devoured by bears.
The door to the bedroom opened, and the three bears trundled in.
“I don’t see anyone.”
“Me neither.”
“Does it look like this chair’s been moved?”
“This is insane,” Lyric whispered directly into Aurora’s ear.
“Shh.”
“This is the strangest thing...”
“Shh. Just be quiet and stay calm.”
“How in the world can you be calm? Aren’t you the least bit concerned by the fact that there are giant, walking, talking, bears prowling around outside the closet at this very moment? Or is this something you see every day? Oh... talking bears, yes... they’re second nature to some people, aren’t they?”
“SHHH!”
“Daddy, I think I hear voices coming from over there...”
Aurora and Lyric held their breath at the same time as they listened to the footsteps approaching the wardrobe. They knew what was coming.
The door opened, and three ridiculously large, humanoid bears looked in on them.
“Who are they, Daddy?”
Lyric and Aurora didn’t give Daddy a chance to answer. They burst out of the wardrobe and took off running.
“I DROPPED MY MUUMUU!” Lyric hollered.
“JUST KEEP RUNNING!”
“DON’T LEAVE ME BEHIND!”
As the three bears watched them flee, their furry jaws dropped.
“What in the world was that, Sweetheart?” the tallest bear asked, laying a paw on his wife’s shoulder. “Do you think they were scared of us?”
“You know, I honestly have no idea! Humans are the strangest creatures,” said the female bear, shaking her head with disbelief. “And I think they stole your suspenders!”