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THE BEARS WERE LONG gone, and Lyric was wearing the overalls, but he still found reasons to complain.
“This is the worst day of my life,” he whined. “I’m sure I might’ve said those words on days that weren’t all that bad, but I mean it this time. This is easily the worst day ever.”
“It’s hard to feel sorry for you when I’ve been having the worst week of my life!”
“Oh, yeah? Well this could easily segue into what might be the worst week of my life as well. In fact, this day has been so awful, I think it’s already been bad enough for the entire week. We’ve been walking in the woods for a million hours, my feet have blisters, I’ve spent the better part of the day in the nude, I’m in a pair of stinking overalls and I nearly got eaten by three bears! How does it get much worse than that?”
“I wouldn’t say we nearly got eaten. We got out of there pretty fast.”
“You’re not even the slightest bit phased by the fact that they could TALK?”
“A little bit.”
“A little bit?” Lyric repeated her words and threw his arms into the air. “You are just... mad. You’re mad, you’re crazy, and you’re completely insane.”
Aurora clapped her hands over her ears as they walked along, but it still didn’t drown out his whining. She would have liked a little peace, but Lyric kept talking—and complaining. There was never a moment of silence with him around.
“You wouldn’t believe what I found in the pocket of these overalls.”
Aurora glanced over her shoulder at Lyric. “What?”
“A giant lint ball.” He cradled it in the palm of his hand and held it out to her. “Do you know what this means?”
Aurora rolled her eyes at his over-dramatics. “No. What does that mean, Your Highness?”
“Those bears must do their laundry. How fascinating!”
She responded to his fascination with a sigh.
“You know, you haven’t exactly been encouraging or kind.”
Aurora turned toward him, arms crossed. “How haven’t I been encouraging or kind?”
“Well, you haven’t been encouraging about this whole situation. You got us here. You could at least give me some hope about whether we’ll ever get back or not.”
“I don’t know! How would I know that?!”
“And you haven’t been kind... you know... about my blisters or anything like that.”
This time, she rolled her eyes so high, they felt like they were in danger of rolling back into her head. “You threatened to put me in a stockade! That doesn’t really inspire me to be nice to you.”
“Oh, right. I’m sorry about that.”
“So you won’t be putting me in a stockade?”
“No.” Lyric paused for a few seconds as he reassessed the situation. “That is to say, I might not put you in a stockade if I can think of something more creative and cruel.”
“You should have gotten eaten by bears...”
“Pardon? What were you whispering just then?”
“Uhh, nothing.” Aurora stopped walking and turned to face him, even though the sight of him made her a bit nauseous. “Listen, if you have blisters, we can rest for a minute.”
“Ah, great. That would be lovely.” Without another word, the emperor sunk to the ground and started tending to his bare feet. Aurora leaned against a tree and watched, winching at the bright red bottoms of his feet. She almost felt sorry for him.
Almost, but not quite.
“That looks painful.”
“Of course it’s painful! I’ve never been in so much pain in my life. And I’m not just talking about physical pain. I mean emotional pain... mental pain. This whole day has caused me a great deal of distress. When I ask you to show a little repentance for having gotten me into this situation, well... I don’t think I’m asking too much!”
“Sorry.”
“And I don’t think I’m... AHHH!” Lyric leapt to his feet and grabbed onto Aurora’s arm. “What is that?”
“What is what?”
“There... in the leaves.”
Aurora dipped a hand into the foliage and picked up the most harmless-looking garter snake she’d ever seen. “Are you talking about this?”
“Yes, yes! Don’t touch it! Are you crazy? It might be lethal!”
Aurora held the snake in front of her face, locking eyes with it as it flicked its tongue. There was something immensely satisfying about remaining fearless in the face of Lyric’s panic. “Aww... you’re a cutie, aren’t you?” she cooed at the snake.
“It might be poisonous!”
“It’s not poisonous.”
“It might bite you in the eye!“
With a smile, Aurora kissed the snake’s head and returned it to the ground. “There, see? It was harmless.”
“Thank you for that brilliant display of madness. Now, can we get going?”
“What about your blisters?”
“Um, I’d rather keep walking until we’re a comfortable distance away from the snakes and the bears.”
Aurora wiped her hands on the sides of her dress, which made Lyric sneer. “Alright, then. Let’s get going.”
“God, what I wouldn’t give for a nice, warm bath, or a bed with fluffy pillows. Some candles... maybe a violinist... and a beautiful woman who dances while the violin plays.”
Without commenting on his ramblings, Aurora started walking again. The emperor stayed on her heels, as usual; it seemed he enjoyed being the destroyer of her peace. If she could say anything positive about his presence, it was that he was a distraction. If not for him, she knew she’d be tormented by her own thoughts and worries. At the moment, Lyric was worrying enough for both of them.
A few minutes after their clash with the snake, they reached the edge of the forest. They were, quite literally, out of the woods. They found themselves standing in front of a very wide river; a structure in the distance made Lyric’s eyes light up.
“I know this place!” he exclaimed, nearly leaping into the air at his epiphany. “See that castle in the distance? I know where we are!”
“And where are we?”
“We’re in the Kingdom of Cleves. I know the princess here! Ah, it’s seems I’m to be wined and dined after all!”
“Good for you.”
Lyric scratched his head. “I’m not quite sure how I’ll explain my attire to her, but as I am a suitor of hers, I don’t think she’ll care. Ahh... so I will have the fluffy pillows and a beautiful woman! And a bath, I’m sure. I can’t wait for the bath. And I can have a tailor come and—”
Aurora tapped him on the shoulder in an attempt to bring him back from his daydream. “We have to cross the river first.”
Her tap didn’t phase him. “I can borrow a carriage back to my kingdom... and have a nice warm meal and—”
“LYRIC!”
Alarmed by her shouting, Lyric whipped his head in her direction. “For heaven sakes, what?”
“There’s a bridge over there. Let’s go.”
When she walked off, Lyric followed. And taunted. “And don’t think I’ll let you get away from me! I’m going to have you detained... mark my words! How much should I say to Princess Rachelle? Should I tell her you’re my prisoner, or should I leave that out? I’d rather not tell her the whole story. Maybe I can tell her you’re my cousin. If I don’t say something like that, she might think I have an interest in you, and that would be ludicrous.”
Lyric babbled to himself until they were half-way across the bridge. He might have babbled the whole way across, if not for the fact that a booming voice stopped them in their tracks.
“HALT! NO TAKE NODDER STEP ACROSS THIS BRIDGE!”
Aurora did as the voice commanded, and Lyric followed her example. But he was less than pleased about it. “For heaven’s sake, what now?”
Seconds later, something popped out from under the bridge. It was the size of a gorilla, but green and hairless, aside from a mop of shaggy red hair on top of its head. Its face was similar to a rat’s, but elongated, and its snout was somewhat curved. Long, bulbous fingers clutched a scythe, which was pointed in the direction of Lyric and Aurora. It surveyed them with its beady eyes and puffed on a straw pipe in silent scrutiny.
But it didn’t stay silent for long. “WHAT YOUR BUSINESS BE?” The creature spoke at such ear-shattering volume, it seemed to rustle the trees behind them.
“What’s your business with us?! How rude!”
Aurora looked over at Lyric, stunned by his bravery. Or was it stupidity? One minute he was whimpering about talking bears, the next minute he was back-talking a creature that could probably pop off his head with a single swipe.
Aurora put her arm in front of Lyric and tried to brush him to the side. She didn’t want him causing more trouble than they were already in. “We’re just trying to get across this bridge, sir. We’re trying to get to that kingdom behind you.”
“PAY TOLL.”
Aurora nibbled nervously on her lips. “Pay... toll??”
“YOU PAY TROLL TOLL.” The creature reached forward, inviting her to drop coins into the grimy palm of his hand. The distinct smell of onions wafted from his body.
“Well, I don’t have any money.” Aurora turned to Lyric. “Do you?”
“I was naked when I came here, remember? Where could I have possibly stashed any money?” A sickening image flashed through his mind. “Wait... don’t answer that.”
“I’m sorry, uh, Mr. Troll... we don’t seem to have any money.”
“Ah, but I do have this lovely lint ball.” When he started to dip his hand into the pocket of his overalls, Aurora grabbed Lyric’s wrist and gave it a firm squeeze. This was no time for jokes.
“NO TWO COINS?”
“This is insane! This is ridiculous! Does the princess know you’re out here charging people to cross this bridge, let alone, harassing someone of my stature! I’ve seen some ridiculous things today, but if this doesn’t beat all...”
“I’m sorry, don’t pay any attention to him,” Aurora attempted to smooth it over. “You see, we really have no money.”
“YOU DO RIDDLE THEN.”
“Um, okay.”
Lyric started to cross the bridge, but the troll shoved the scythe in his face. “YOU NO GO TILL GUESS RIDDLE.”
Lyric threw up his arms in disgust. “Alright, fine! Get on with it then!”
The troll’s grin stretched from one side of his face to the other. It was as if he’d been waiting his entire life for this moment. “WHAT IS HOLES BUT HOLD WATER?”
Lyric and Aurora exchanged puzzled glances. Aurora started to open her mouth to reply, but she second-guessed herself and snapped her mouth shut.
“WHAT IS HOLES, HAVE WATER?”
“I dunno. A geyser.”
When she heard Lyric’s quick answer, Aurora pinched his arm. “That might have been the only guess we get!”
“GUY-SUR. NO. HA HA. YOU STOOOOPID!”
“Well, it’s a little hard to answer a riddle when the man asking you the riddles is a blooming idiot!”
Another pinch.
“IT SPONGE. IS HOLES, HOLD WATER.”
“Is holes? Is holes?! That doesn’t even—”
Aurora clapped a hand over Lyric’s mouth before he could spout more sass. She was starting to agree with the troll. Her unwanted companion was, indeed, “stoopid.”
“YOU GUESS PASSWORD NOW!”
“Can you give us a hint?” Aurora asked, slowly lowering her hand from Lyric’s mouth. He gave her a nasty look as her hand retreated.
“START WITH P.”
“Um, okay.” Her eyes were immediately drawn to the object dangling from the troll's slobbering mouth. “Pipe?”
The troll’s ears, which were curiously shaped like funnel cakes, flapped in the wind as he shook his head. “NO. GUESS GIN.”
“Princess?” Lyric suggested hopefully.
“NO!”
“This is dumb. Do you know how many words start with the letter p? We could be standing here all night!”
For once, she actually agreed with Lyric, but she took another stab. “Pumpernickel?”
“NO! HA HA HA!” When he laughed, the nearly bowled her over with his foul breath. “THAT FUNNY WORD, BUT NO. NOW YOU ARE OUT OF GUESSES. NOW YOU NEVER CROSS BRIDGE!”
“Well, surely there must be another way?” The troll didn’t pay any attention to Aurora’s query; instead, he started to scratch his rear end with his scythe. With a sigh, she asked Lyric, “Why don’t we just swim?”
“I can’t swim! I don’t know how to swim!”
“AND DERE’S PIRAHNAS IN DERE.”
“I can’t swim, and I don’t want to be eaten alive!”
“Well, then...” With another sigh, she turned back to the troll. “Is there something else we could do to get you to move? Anything at all?”
“WELL...” The troll stared at Lyric for a few seconds, scratched his bushy head, and said, “DEM PANTS IS NICE.”