stand holding on to someone or somethingThe only thing about baby that’s slowing down this month is his or her rate of growth, and along with it, the appetite that fuels it. Which is just as well, since babies-on-the-go would much rather explore the living room than sit still for stints in the high chair. Like any good explorer, baby’s determined to reach previously uncharted territory—which often means doing some climbing. Unfortunately, the ability to climb comes long before the ability to climb back down—often leaving baby stranded. (Such advanced explorations also put baby at increased peril, so don’t let your vigilance falter.) Baby understands “no” but may just be starting to test your limits by defying it—or may already be quite adroit at tuning the word out. Memory improves, and fears (which go hand in hand with increased cognitive skills) begin to multiply—of the vacuum cleaner, for instance, which may have to be used only when baby’s sleeping.
All babies reach milestones on their own developmental time line. If your baby seems not to have reached one or more of these milestones, rest assured, he or she probably will very soon. Your baby’s rate of development is normal for your baby. Keep in mind, too, that it may have been slowed down in certain departments (such as crawling) if baby didn’t spend much time playing on his or her belly. (Some babies skip crawling altogether, and that’s fine, too.) If you have concerns about your baby’s development (because you’ve noticed a missed milestone or what you think might be a developmental delay), don’t hesitate to check it out with the doctor at the next well-baby visit—even if he or she doesn’t bring it up. Parents often notice nuances in a baby’s development that doctors don’t. Premature infants generally reach milestones later than others of the same birth age, often achieving them closer to their adjusted age (the age they would be if they had been born at term), and sometimes later.
By ten months, your baby … should be able to:
stand holding on to someone or something
Many ten-month-olds have gained “cruise control,” the last step before unassisted walking. With one hand holding cautiously on to home base, they reach first with their other hand, then with a foot, toward another piece of furniture. Ensure sure footing by letting baby cruise only around steady chairs and tables.
pull up to standing position from sitting
object if you try to take a toy away
say “mama” or “dada” indiscriminately
play peekaboo
exchange back-and-forth gestures with you
… will probably be able to:
get into a sitting position from stomach
play patty-cake (clap hands) or wave bye-bye
pick up tiny object with any part of thumb and finger (keep all dangerous objects out of baby’s reach)
walk holding on to furniture (cruise)
understand “no” (but not always obey it)
… may possibly be able to:
stand alone momentarily
say “dada” or “mama” discriminately
point to something to get needs met
… may even be able to:
indicate wants in ways other than crying
“play ball” (roll ball back to you)
drink from a cup independently
pick up a tiny object neatly with tips of thumb and forefinger (keep all dangerous objects out of baby’s reach)
stand alone well
use immature jargoning (gibberish that sounds as if baby is talking in a made-up foreign language)
say one word other than “mama” or “dada”
respond to a one-step command with gestures (“Give that to me”—with hand out)
walk well
Most doctors do not schedule regular well-baby checkups this month. Do call the doctor if there are any concerns that can’t wait until the next visit.
Those early days of breastfeeding—when you fumbled through every feeding session, when you spent as much time nursing sore nipples as you did nursing your baby, when let-down often let you down—are now just a blur. These days, breastfeeding is second nature for both you and baby—something you can both do in your sleep (and probably often do). You feel as if you’ve been breastfeeding forever—and, in a way, you wish that you could breastfeed forever. And at the same time, maybe you’re wondering whether it’s almost time to think about calling it quits.
When to wean? That’s a question with no definitive answers, not even from “the experts.” Ultimately, Mom, it’s up to you, though you’ll probably want to consider many factors in making your decision:
The facts. You’ve heard this one before (over and over again): Though any amount of breastfeeding is better than none, the AAP recommends that Breastfeeding continue—ideally—for at least a full year, and then for as long as baby and mother both want to keep it up. Waiting until the first birthday to wean means that the baby who has never taken a bottle (at least of formula) can move directly from breast milk to cups of whole milk, without an interim switch to formula.
Many women choose to continue nursing into the second year and beyond, and that’s fine. But since their busy toddlers need more protein, vitamins, and other nutrients than breast milk alone can provide, they need to do their share of eating (and milk drinking) too.
Though some have speculated that continuing to breastfeed into the toddler and even the preschool years may limit a child’s social and emotional development, there’s been absolutely no evidence to back such theories up. Older children who breastfeed are just as likely to be secure, happy, and independent as those who wean earlier.
If you decide to continue Breastfeeding past the first birthday, there are a couple more facts to consider. First, all-night nipping (something co-sleeping toddlers may indulge in) may, like prolonged bottle feeding at night, lead to dental decay—though breastfed children develop, as a group, fewer cavities than those who bottle feed. Second, doing a lot of sucking lying down (also more common at night) may lead to an increased risk of ear infection—though, again, as a group, breastfed children have fewer such infections. Avoiding these pitfalls is simple: Nurse at bedtime but not during the night.
Your feelings. Are you still enjoying breastfeeding as much as ever? Are you in absolutely no hurry to give up this special part of your relationship with baby? Then continue as long as you and baby like.
Or are you starting to grow weary of hauling your breasts in and out of your shirt all day (and perhaps all night) long? Are you beginning to yearn for some of the freedom and flexibility that seem unattainable while you’re still nursing (though nursing an older child generally ties you down less)? Are you uncomfortable about the prospect of nursing an older child? If you’re starting to have mixed feelings about breastfeeding, your baby’s radar will certainly pick them up. He or she may even take it as a personal rejection, rather than a rejection of the nursing experience. So weaning—again, preferably after the first birthday—may be the way to go.
Your baby’s feelings. Some babies are self-weaners. Through their actions and reactions (restlessness and indifference at the breast, nursing that is erratic and brief) they show that they’re ready to move on to other ways of obtaining liquid nourishment. Keep in mind, however, that it’s possible to misinterpret a baby’s signals. At five months, lack of interest in nursing may be only a sign of your baby’s growing interest in the environment; at seven months, it may suggest a craving for physical activity that outweighs any craving for food; at nine months or later, it often signifies growing independence and maturity. At any age, it could be a response to illness or teething. At no age should it be construed as a rejection of you, only of the milk you provide. (Babies who seem to be losing interest in nursing can often be convinced to continue; those who are easily distracted can often be redirected back on task; see page 420 for tips.) A baby is most likely to self-wean somewhere between nine and twelve months. If your baby’s attachment to the breast doesn’t show any signs of letting up by the age of eighteen months (and this is not uncommon), it’s possible that he or she will never be the one to take the initiative in weaning.
Your situation. Although it is recommended that babies continue Breastfeeding at least for a full year, sometimes that’s not practical or desirable. Sometimes work gets in the way and the logistics of expressing milk to fill daytime bottles begin to take their toll. Sometimes, it’s other activities (from school to sports to lovemaking) that a woman finds conflicting with a nursing schedule. If breastfeeding just isn’t fitting in with your life or your lifestyle anymore, consider weaning—either fully or partially. When possible, however, don’t try to wean during another major change in your life or baby’s (see below). Illness or the need for travel may also call for weaning; in that case, there may be no choice but to wean suddenly.
Your baby’s situation. The best time to wean a baby is when all’s quiet on the home front. Sickness, teething, moving, vacation, your return to work, a change of sitters, or any other kind of change or stress in a baby’s life suggests putting weaning on hold, so he or she won’t be saddled with an additional strain.
Your health. If you’re perpetually exhausted and there seems to be no explanation other than the physical and emotional demands of nursing, you may want to discuss with your doctor the advisability of weaning so that you can recoup your strength. Before you do, however, be sure that it isn’t some easily remedied problem, such as inadequate nourishment and/or insufficient rest, that’s kayoing you.
Your baby’s health. Sometimes the supply of breast milk seems to diminish excessively as a baby gets older. If your baby is gaining weight poorly, is lethargic, irritable, or shows other signs of failure to thrive (your doctor will be able to determine if this is the case), your breast milk may not be meeting its quota of nutritional needs. Consider adding more solids, supplementing with formula, or weaning completely. Often a weaned baby takes a sudden interest in other forms of nourishment that didn’t appeal when the breast was available, and begins to thrive anew.
Your baby’s other sources of nourishment. If your baby has been accepting bottles all along, weaning to a bottle at any point will be relatively easy. Likewise, if your baby has learned to take fluids from a cup with fair skill, weaning directly to a cup (bypassing the bottle) will be possible at year’s end. If, on the other hand, your baby resists taking milk from any source but your breast, weaning will have to wait until either the bottle or cup is mastered.
Your baby’s age. If neither of you wants to put a time limit on nursing, your baby’s age isn’t an issue—just keep it up as long as you like. If, on the other hand, you’re feeling ready, here’s something to contemplate. Even if they don’t take the initiative, most babies are more readily weanable around the first birthday, when a switch to whole cow’s milk in a cup can take place (no formula necessary). Most have less need for sucking, resist being held or sitting still for feedings (some even prefer to nurse standing up), and are generally more independent. They may also be less set in their ways at this age than they will be as toddlers, making them (relatively) easier to wean.
Making the decision to wean is only one step in the long process of switching a baby from the breast to other sources of nourishment—a process that already began with the first sip from the bottle or the first spoonful of solids. Whenever and however it comes for you, weaning is bound to be a time of mixed emotions. On the one hand, you’ll likely be somewhat relieved to be relieved of your nursing duties—excited by the prospect of more freedom (a late night out on the town, a weekend away). You’ll no doubt be proud of your offspring’s new step on the road to growing up. But, at the same time, you’ll probably be more than a little misty at the end of this chapter in your child’s life, at the loosening ties, at the knowledge that your baby will never depend on you as much again.
Whether early or late, weaning is an inevitable milestone in a child’s development—as they say, nobody goes off to college still breastfeeding. Your child (even if he or she is a really ardent nurser) probably won’t end up missing Breastfeeding for more than a brief time, and will likely move on more quickly than you’d really like. And you, too, will survive this monumental moment in mothering—though you’ll probably continue to experience pangs when you watch other mothers nurse, even years later.
“My son doesn’t eat anything until he’s smushed it, smashed it, and rubbed it into his hair. Shouldn’t we try to teach him some table manners?”
Eating with the average nine- or ten-month-old is enough to make anyone lose his appetite. There’s as much playing with the food as eating it, and it’s not unusual for more of it to end up on baby (and his clothes, his high chair, and the family dog who’s waiting eagerly below) than in him.
That’s because mealtimes are no longer just for nourishment but for exploring and discovering as well. As in the sandbox and the bathtub, baby’s finding out about cause and effect, about textures, about temperature differences. When he squeezes yogurt in his fist, mashes sweet potatoes into the table, slings a glob of oatmeal from his high chair tray, rubs banana into his T-shirt, blows bubbles in his cup of juice, crumbles crackers with his fingers—a mess for you but a learning experience for him.
Expect the mealtime mayhem, and your need for paper towels by the caseful, to continue for months to come until your child has learned everything he can about the fascinating physical properties of food and is ready to start consistently eating it instead. That doesn’t mean you have to grin (if you can) and bear it without taking some steps in defense of your sensibilities and your home and preparing your baby for a future of respectable (well, at least somewhat respectable) table manners:
Use cover-ups. An ounce of protection is worth a pound of paper towels. Use all the protective measures available to you: Spread newspaper all around the base of the high chair or table, to be dumped after the meal. Outfit baby in a wipe-clean bib that covers his front and shoulders (a spill-catching pocket, which keeps the cereal and sweet potatoes from landing on his legs and the floor, is a plus), or use disposable bibs (which can also come in extra handy for meals on the go). Roll baby’s sleeves up past the elbow to keep them dry and relatively clean. (Room temperature permitting, it may be more sensible to feed baby seriously messy foods in a diaper only.)
Thwart unwanted advances. You don’t want to inhibit your baby’s experimentation, but you also don’t want to make it too easy for him to play demolition dining room. So give him his food in a bowl, rather than a flat plate from which food can be pushed off easily. Or put it directly on his high chair tray (making sure that it’s completely clean). Using a bowl that attaches to table or tray with suction cups gives additional protection, but it will work only on a nonporous surface such as plastic, and only if the surface and the suction cups are clean. To minimize spills, consider offering mealtime beverages in a sippy cup until baby becomes more proficient with a regular cup. If he prefers to drink without a spout, put just an ounce or so of liquid in a regular cup, and hand it to him whenever he’s ready for a drink, but keep it out of reach between sips. Don’t offer more than one bowl of food at a time, and don’t serve more than two or three items in the bowl—babies tend to be overwhelmed by too many choices and react by playing and tossing instead of eating. All utensils and dishes should be nonbreakable, for both safety and economy.
Remain neutral. As you have probably already learned, babies are natural-born performers. If you respond by laughing at their high chair antics, you’ll only encourage more of the same. Criticism often has the same effect. So scoldings and warnings to “stop that now!” not only won’t curb the behavior, they’ll probably step it up. The best policy: Don’t comment on manners. If, however, your baby does take a few neat bites, with either the spoon or his fingers, praise him generously. Let him know whenever possible that neatness counts.
Retaliate with silverware. Even though he may do nothing with it but bang it on the tray (while he continues to use his other hand for the transport of food), put a spoon in your baby’s hand at the beginning of the meal, and also periodically during the proceedings. Eventually (though not for some months to come), he’ll get the idea of actually using it to eat with.
Don’t resort to a hostile takeover. Desperate parents tend to take desperate actions—in this case, taking the feeding, and thus the ability to mess, completely out of their baby’s control. But while such a takeover will result in neater mealtimes, it will also result in a baby who’s delayed in learning how to feed himself and who, as a result, is also slow to develop polite table manners and good eating habits.
Be a model leader. It’s not lectures that will teach your baby good table manners in the long run, but what he observes at family meals. If other family members eat with their fingers, shovel food in without a breath, chew loudly, reach for food instead of asking for it to be passed; if everyone talks with their mouths full or, worse, no one talks at all during the meal, your baby will cultivate these habits instead of the ones you hope to instill.
Know when to call a cease-fire. When the amount of time spent playing with the food begins to significantly outweigh the time spent eating it, it’s time to call it quits. Clear the table and remove your baby from his high chair as soon as this moment arrives. It’s unlikely that baby will protest (boredom with mealtime has prompted this behavior in the first place), but if he does, distract him with a toy or activity.
“My son has taken to banging his head on the wall or the side of his crib. Though it’s painful for me to watch him, he doesn’t seem to be in pain at all—in fact, he seems quite happy.”
It sounds as though your son has discovered that he’s got rhythm, and this is his way of expressing it—at least until he takes to dancing or playing his toy drum set. Head banging (like head rolling, rocking, and bouncing, all of which are also common at this age) is a rhythmic movement, and rhythmic movements, especially of their own making, are fascinating to babies. Though most infant rock ’n’ rollers rock when they hear music during waking hours, there seems to be more to such pursuits than simple fun. It’s suspected that some of these children may be trying to reproduce the feeling of being rocked by mommy or daddy. Or that teething infants may be trying to cope with the pain—in which case rocking continues only as long as the teething, unless by that time it has become a habit. For those who bang, rock, or roll at nap time, bedtime, and when they awaken in the middle of the night, these activities appear to be a sleep aid and perhaps a way of releasing tensions built up during the day. The behavior is sometimes triggered, or increased, by stress (weaning, learning to walk, getting a new sitter, and so on) in a child’s life. Though boys and girls are equally likely to rock or roll, head banging is much more common in boys.
Rocking usually begins somewhere around six months, banging usually not until about nine months. These habits can last a few weeks or months, or a year or more. But most children abandon them by the time they are three years old without parental intervention. Scolding, teasing, or otherwise drawing attention to the behavior not only does no good, it may make the problem worse.
Though it may be hard to believe, rocking, rolling, and even head banging are not ordinarily hazardous to your baby’s health. Neither are they, in a normally developing child, associated with neurological or psychological disorders. If your baby seems otherwise happy, isn’t banging his head in anger, and isn’t constantly bruising himself (an occasional black-and-blue mark isn’t a cause for concern), there is nothing to worry about. But if these activities are taking up a good deal of your baby’s time, if he seems to display other unusual behavior, is developing slowly, or seems unhappy most of the time, do talk to his doctor about the problem.
You can’t force a baby to give up one of these habits before he’s ready, but the following tips may make it easier for both you and your baby to live with the habit and to eventually ease him out of it:
Give your baby extra love, attention, cuddling, and rocking during the day and at bedtime.
Supply other—and to you, more acceptable—rhythmic activities for your baby during the day. Possibilities include: rocking in a rocking chair with him or showing him how to rock in a child-size one of his own; giving him one or more toy instruments, or just a spoon and pot, with which he can make sounds; pushing him on a swing; dancing to lively music, and playing patty-cake or other finger or hand games, especially to music.
Allow your baby plenty of time for active play during the day and ample opportunity to wind down before bedtime.
Establish a regular, soothing presleep routine that includes quiet games, hugging, a little massage (see page 304), and perhaps some rocking (though not to the point of sleep).
If your baby does most of his head banging in the crib, don’t put him down until he’s sleepy.
If your baby rocks or bangs in his crib, minimize the danger to furniture and walls (which is usually much more serious than any damage to baby) by setting the crib on a thick rug and removing the casters so the crib won’t bounce across the floor. Place the crib as far from the wall or other furniture as possible, and if necessary, pad the outsides of the crib to soften the impact. Remember to check the crib periodically for loose bolts, too, if your baby is a banger.
You can try to protect your baby’s head by placing bumpers in the crib (or putting them back in if you’ve removed them) and a mat on the floor where he likes to bang if it isn’t already carpeted—but the odds are good he won’t be satisfied with the cushioned blows and will make his way to a harder surface.
“When my daughter is sleepy or cranky, she pulls at a lock of her hair.”
Hair stroking or pulling is another way that a baby or a young child releases tension or tries to re-create the soothing comfort she received as an infant during nursing or bottle feeding, when she would stroke her mother’s breast or cheek or pull at her hair. Since she’s more likely to crave this comfort during times of stress, especially when she’s overtired or cranky, she’s more likely to indulge during those times.
Occasional hair twirling, stroking, or pulling, which is often accompanied by thumb sucking, is common, and can linger into childhood without ill effect. Continuous or vigorous tugging at the hair, or hair pulling that results in lost patches of hair, should, obviously, be stopped. These tips may help:
Provide your child with more comfort and attention, especially at times of increased stress.
Get her hair cut in a short style, so she won’t be able to get a good grip on it.
Give her something else to pull on—a long-haired stuffed animal, for instance.
Engage her in other activities that keep her hands occupied, particularly when she starts pulling.
If all else fails, seek advice from her doctor.
“I often hear my son grinding his teeth when he’s down for a nap. Is this harmful in any way?”
Like head banging or rolling, hair pulling, or thumb sucking, teeth grinding is often a way some babies discharge tension. To minimize grinding, reduce the tension in your baby’s life when possible, and be sure that he has plenty of other outlets for releasing it—such as physical activity and toys that encourage banging. Lots of love and attention before nap or bedtime can also decrease the need for teeth grinding by helping a baby unwind. In most cases, the habit is relinquished as a baby’s coping skills improve, and before any damage is done to the teeth.
Tension isn’t always the cause of teeth grinding. Sometimes a baby accidentally discovers the mannerism when experimenting with his new teeth, enjoys the sensation and sound of it, and adds it to his growing repertoire of skills. But, before long, the thrill is gone and he loses interest in his dental orchestra.
If you find that your baby’s teeth grinding is becoming more frequent, rather than diminishing, and you’re concerned that he might begin to do damage to his teeth, consult his doctor or a dentist.
“My baby has started biting us play-fully—on the shoulder, the cheek, any soft, vulnerable area. At first we thought it was cute. Now we’re beginning to worry that he’s developing a bad habit—and, besides, it hurts!”
It’s only natural for your baby to test his new set of chompers on every possible surface, you included. But it’s also only natural for you not to want to be bitten—and to want to put a stop to it. Biting can become a bad habit and, as more teeth come in, increasingly painful for its victims.
The biting at first is playful and experimental; baby has absolutely no idea he’s hurting anyone with it. After all, he’s bitten down on many a teething ring, sucked on many a stuffed toy, and chewed on many a crib rail without a single complaint. But a human reaction makes for interesting cause and effect, and often encourages more cause (biting) in the pursuit of more effect (reaction). He finds the expression on mommy’s face when he bites down on her shoulder funny, the startled look and mock “Ouch!” from daddy hilarious, and the “Isn’t that cute, he’s biting me,” from grandma a definite sign of approval. Oddly enough, even an angry “Ouch!” or stern reprimand can reinforce the biting habit, because the baby either finds it amusing or sees it as a challenge to his emerging sense of independence, or both. And biting him back can make matters worse; not only is it cruel, but there’s the not-so-subtle implication that what’s good for you is fair play for him. For the same reason, love bites from parents or grandparents can also trigger biting.
The most effective way to respond is to remove the little biter calmly and matter-of-factly from the part he’s biting, with a firm “No biting.” Then quickly divert his attention with a song, a toy, or other distraction. Do this each time he bites and he will eventually get the message.
Now that your baby is ready for more entertainment than you alone can provide, joining a play group will offer the added stimulation he or she craves. But the benefits of a play group aren’t just for baby. In fact, you probably have more to gain from joining up than baby does. Advantages of a play group include:
Adult conversation. Your child’s babbles may be the sweetest sounds to your ears, but if you’re like most parents, especially stay-at-home ones, chances are you also long for a little adult dialogue. Meeting regularly with other parents will provide you with the opportunity to speak and be spoken to in full sentences.
Entertainment for baby. While it’s still too early in your child’s social career to expect him or her to play in a group situation, by the end of the first year, most babies become more capable of some type of meaningful interaction with their peers—usually in the form of parallel play (playing side by side). There’s also plenty of entertainment value for baby in just watching other babies at play—and if the play group is at someone else’s house, trying out new and exciting toys.
Establish friendships. And that goes for both of you. If the play group is a success, your baby may have a chance to pal around with the same children on a regular basis for years. The friendships forged at a play group may continue in the form of play dates long after school and other commitments start interfering with regular meetings of the original group. And if the play group is a neighborhood one, many of the same children may end up in your baby’s future classes—a familiarity that can breed comfort on that first day of school. As for you, the opportunity to create a whole new network of like-minded friends may be especially welcome, particularly if your old network hasn’t entered the baby phase of life yet.
Resources and referrals. Whether you’re in the market for a new pediatrician or are wondering when and how to wean, chances are someone in the play group will have advice or a recommendation.
Support from those who know. Meeting regularly with other parents can remind you that you’re not the only one who has a) a baby who won’t sleep b) no time for romance with your spouse c) career frustrations d) a breeding farm for dust bunnies in your living room or e) all the above.
There are many ways to find a play group to join. Ask around; or look for flyers promoting them in neighborhood stores, your local library, community center, house of worship, hospital, or doctor’s office, or check out the local parents’ paper.
If you (and a group of friends) would rather start fresh with a play group of your own, you’ll have a number of things to consider first, including:
What will the age range of children be? They don’t all have to be exactly the same age, but at this point a spread of a few months is better than a spread of a year or more. This will ensure that they’ll be able to play with the same toys and relate on somewhat the same level.
How often will the play group meet—weekly, twice a week, every other week?
What time and day are most convenient for you and the other parents? Once you pick a schedule, try to hold to it as much as possible. Consistency is an important ingredient in a successful play group. Avoiding nap time and typically cranky times (such as late afternoon) is also wise.
Where will the play group meet? In one person’s home or rotating from home to home? At a local park or community center? Rotating the location keeps things exciting for the baby group members while sharing the responsibilities that come with hosting the group equally among all the grownup group members. It also means that the children will have a chance to play with plenty of different toys. Shifting the location to a playground or park when the weather is favorable (or to a community center or museum when it isn’t) will provide a nice change of pace for everyone involved.
How many participants will there be? Will there be a limit on the number of parents and babies who can attend? Too many parents and babies (say fifteen babies) can make a play group extremely tumultuous; too few (just two or three babies) may provide too little stimulation. (Keep in mind that not every member will show up at every play group meeting, thanks to colds, doctor’s appointments, and other scheduling conflicts.)
Will there be refreshments? Will the host parent be solely responsible for providing a snack? If there are children with food allergies in the group, will those be respected? Will there be rules restricting sugary foods and drinks, or will the snack choice be up to the discretion of the host?
Will the play group offer structured parent-child activities, or will it be a playtime for children and social time for adults? Keep in mind that parents may have to spend a great deal of time serving as referees and peacekeepers until the children are old enough (think at least three or four) to play nicely on a consistent basis.
Will there be guidelines about discipline and behavior expectations? You’ll probably want to specify that parents are responsible for monitoring the behavior of their own offspring only.
Once you’ve defined the parameters of the play group, promoting your play group is the next step. Pass the word around to friends and neighbors, post flyers, advertise in your community newspaper or parents’ paper, approach other parents in your local playground. Once you have a few interested parents, you’re ready to play (you can always add more members later).
Along with all the fun, there are some potential risks to joining or starting a play group. For one, seeing other babies your child’s age every week could lead you to worry unnecessarily about how he or she is developing relative to other children. (The solution: Remember—and repeat this often to yourself—that the range of what’s normal is very wide when it comes to a baby’s physical, verbal, and social development.) Another is the likelihood that your child will share at least as many germs as toys with other play group members. (This is just an inevitable result of group activities in early childhood, nothing to be concerned about, and is actually likely to result in fewer colds later on in life. But it will help somewhat to put a “sick babies stay home” statute in the group bylaws.) Another potential risk is that you might unwittingly put social pressure on your child. Play groups should be fun, not stressful. If your child wants to participate, that’s great. If not, that’s fine, too.
Keep in mind, also, that while joining or starting a play group can offer many benefits, it’s by no means a requirement of the early years. Your baby may enjoy playing with other babies but certainly doesn’t need to. If both of you get plenty of stimulation without a play group, or if you work and can’t find time in your schedule for one, or you dislike structured group experiences and would prefer impromptu get-togethers with other parents and children, don’t feel obligated to play along with the play group concept.
“For the last couple of weeks, my daughter has been blinking a lot. She doesn’t seem to be in any discomfort, and she doesn’t seem to have trouble seeing, but I can’t help worrying that there’s something wrong with her eyes.”
It’s probably more likely that there’s something right with her curiosity. She knows what the world looks like through open eyes, but what if she closes her eyes partially, or if she opens and shuts them quickly? The results of her experimentation may be so intriguing that she may keep the “blinking” up until the novelty wears off. (When she gets older, somewhere around age two, she will probably try similar experiments with her ears, putting her fingers in them or covering them with her hands to see what happens to sound.)
Of course, if your baby seems to have difficulty recognizing people and objects, or if blinking or squinting seem to be triggered by a sensitivity to normal (not uncomfortably bright) daylight, check with the doctor right away. Otherwise, if the blinking habit hasn’t run its course by the time your baby goes for her next checkup, mention it to the practitioner.
Squinting is another temporary habit that some babies cultivate, also for the change of scenery. Again, it shouldn’t concern you unless it’s accompanied by other symptoms or is persistent—in which case, check with her doctor.
“Recently my baby has started holding his breath during crying spells. Today he held it so long he actually passed out. Could this be dangerous?”
Invariably, it’s the parents who suffer most when a child holds his breath. While the adult witnessing the ordeal is likely to remain shaky for hours, even a baby who turns blue and passes out during a breath-holding session recovers quickly and completely, as automatic respiratory mechanisms click into place and breathing resumes.
Breath-holding spells are usually precipitated by anger, frustration, or pain. The crying, instead of letting up, becomes more and more hysterical; baby begins to hyperventilate, then finally stops breathing. In mild events, the lips turn blue. In more severe instances, baby turns blue all over and then loses consciousness. While he’s unconscious, his body may stiffen or even twitch. The episode is usually over in less than a minute—long before any brain damage can occur.
About one in five infants holds his breath at one time or another. Some have only occasional episodes, others may have one or two a day. Breath holding tends to run in families and is most common between six months and four years, though it can occasionally begin earlier or continue later.
Breath holding can usually be distinguished from epilepsy (they are in no way related) by the fact that it is preceded by crying and the fact that baby turns blue and loses consciousness before stiffening or twitching. In epilepsy, there is usually no precipitating factor, and the child doesn’t ordinarily turn blue before a seizure.
No treatment is necessary for a child who has passed out from breath holding. And though there’s no sure cure for the condition—other than the passing of years—it is possible to head off some of the temper tantrums that can result in a breath-holding episode:
Be sure your baby gets enough rest. A baby who is overtired or overstimulated is more susceptible than a well-rested one.
Choose your battles. Too many nos can lead to too much frustration for baby.
Try to calm baby before hysteria sets in, using music, toys, or other distractions (but not food, which will create another bad habit).
Try to reduce the tension around baby—yours and everyone else’s—if this is at all possible.
Respond calmly to breath-holding spells; your anxiety can make them worse.
Don’t cave in after a spell. If your baby knows he can get what he wants by holding his breath, he will repeat the behavior frequently, especially as he becomes a more manipulative toddler.
Some research has shown that breath-holding spells sometimes stop when a child begins receiving an iron supplement; check with the doctor to see if this might be a good treatment option for your baby.
If your baby’s breath-holding spells are severe, last more than a minute, are unrelated to crying, are not related to pain or frustration, or have you worried for any other reason, discuss them with his doctor as soon as possible.
“I see so many advertisements for classes for babies that I feel as if I’m depriving my baby if I don’t enroll her in at least one.”
With thirteen years of school ahead of your child (as many as seventeen if you count those nursery years, much more than that if you’re talking college), there’s really no need to rush into enrollment. Especially when you consider that babies learn best not through instruction (especially formal instruction) but through experience: the kind of experience they get when they have plenty of time and opportunity to explore the world their way, with just a little help from their adult friends. In fact, being expected to learn a certain way, at a certain time, at a certain place, or at a certain pace can dampen a child’s natural enthusiasm for learning—and for the new experiences that ultimately will help her learn the most. Too many structured activities and classes too early can also lead to burnout by the time a child actually begins formal schooling.
Certainly, your baby doesn’t need to be taking art or music or swimming classes at her age—and won’t be left “behind” if she’s the only baby on the block who doesn’t. (In fact, she may actually be the baby on the block who ends up enjoying these activities most, simply because she wasn’t pushed into participating in them so early on in life.) But while classes aren’t necessary for babies, there can be benefits—for both of you—to joining some baby group activities. After all, it’s nice for your child to play near other children—she probably isn’t yet ready to play with them—and to spend time with and get to know other adults. It’s even nicer for you to have a chance to talk to other parents, sharing common concerns and experiences and picking up some new ideas for playing with your child.
There are some ways for you to reap group benefits for your baby without the potential pitfalls of premature matriculation:
Take her to a local playground. Even if she isn’t walking, she will enjoy the baby swings, small slides, and the sandbox—and she will especially enjoy watching other children.
Start or join a play group. If you don’t know other parents with babies your daughter’s age, post recruitment notices in the pediatrician’s office, in a local parents’ paper, at your house of worship, even in the supermarket. Play groups, which usually meet weekly in homes or at playgrounds, are often very informal and provide an ideal introduction to group activities (see box, page 444).
Enroll her in an informal baby exercise, music, art, or movement class, observing the guidelines on page 306. Just remember, in any class your baby or toddler is involved in, fun—not learning—should be the operative word.
“Our baby has just taken her first steps. What kind of shoes does she need now?”
The best shoes for a new walker are no shoes. Experts agree that the feet, like hands, develop best when they are bare, not covered and confined; walking barefoot helps build arches and strengthen ankles. And just as your baby’s hands don’t need gloves in warm weather, her feet don’t need shoes indoors and on safe surfaces outdoors, except when it’s cold. Even walking on uneven surfaces, such as sand, is good for her feet since it makes the muscles work harder.
But for safety and sanitation (you wouldn’t want her to step on broken glass or in dog droppings), as well as appearance, your baby will need shoes for most excursions, as well as for special occasions (what’s a party dress without Mary Janes or a tiny sailor suit without spiffy saddles?). Choose shoes that are closest to no shoes at all by looking for the following:
Flexible soles. Shoes that bend fairly easily when the toe is bent up will interfere least with the foot’s natural motion. Your best bet is to look for leather or rubber soles that bend easily. Many doctors recommend sneakers for their flexibility, but some maintain that traditional first-walker shoes are even more flexible and babies are therefore less likely to fall in them. Ask your baby’s doctor for a recommendation, and test those available at your local store before making your selection.
Low cut. Though high-top shoes may stay put better than low ones, most experts believe they are too confining and interfere with ankle movement. They certainly shouldn’t be used to prop up a baby who is not yet ready to walk.
Porous and flexible uppers. To stay healthy, feet need to breathe and to get plenty of exercise. They breathe best, and have the most freedom of movement, in shoes of leather, cloth, or canvas. Plastic or imitation leather is usually stifling and sometimes stiff, and tends to cause the feet to sweat excessively. Avoid “running” shoes with wide bands of rubber around them, since they can also increase sweating. If you purchase rain shoes or boots that are made of plastic or rubber for your baby, use them only when needed, and take them off as soon as she is indoors.
Flat, nonskid bottoms with no heels. A beginning walker has enough difficulty maintaining her balance without having to contend with slippery soles. Rubber or composition soles, particularly when they are grooved, usually provide a less slippery surface than leather, unless it is scored or grooved. If an otherwise appropriate pair of shoes is too slippery, rough up the soles a bit with sandpaper or a few strips of adhesive tape.
Firm counters. The back of the shoe (above the heel) should be firm, not flimsy. It’s best if the top edge is padded or bound and the back seam smooth, with no irregularities that could cause irritation to the back of your baby’s heel.
Roomy fit. Shoes are better too large than too small, but of course “just right” is the best fit of all. Though shoes can’t provide as much foot freedom as going bare, too-tight shoes provide no freedom at all. If the shoes are to be worn with thick socks, be sure to bring a pair along when trying them on. Have feet measured, and test new shoes (both of them) for size when the baby is standing with her full weight on her feet. The top of the shoe shouldn’t gap open while she’s standing (though it’s okay if it does when she walks), nor should her heels slip up and down with each step. To check the width, try to pinch the shoe at its widest point. If you can grasp a tiny bit of it between your fingers, the width is fine; if you can pinch a good piece of shoe, it’s too wide; and if you can pinch none at all, it’s too narrow. To check the length, press your thumb down between your baby’s toes and the end of the shoe. If there’s a thumb’s width (or about half an inch), the length is right. The back of the shoe should be snug but not tight. If baby’s heel slips out easily, the shoe is too big; if the shoe pinches the heel, the shoe is too small. Once you’ve purchased a pair of shoes for your baby, check the fit every few weeks, since babies outgrow shoes quickly, sometimes within six weeks, often within three months. When that distance at the toe shrinks to less than half a thumb’s width, start to think about new shoes. Reddened areas on baby’s toes or feet when shoes are removed are also a sign of poor fit.
Standard shapes. Unusual styles—such as cowboy boots or pointy-toed party shoes—may make a fashion statement, but they can also distort the foot as it grows. Look instead for a shoe with a broad instep and toe and a flat-as-a-pancake heel.
Durability is not a requirement in children’s shoes because they are (all too rapidly) outgrown. Because of the high price of children’s shoes and their brief life span with each child, the temptation is great to pass shoes on to younger siblings—but resist. Shoes mold to the shape of the wearer’s foot, and wearing shoes molded by someone else is not good for little feet. Make an exception only for those shoes (such as dress-up shoes) that have no more than light wear, have held their shape, and aren’t run down at the heel area.
A good shoe is only as good as the sock in it. Socks, like shoes, should fit well and be of a material (such as cotton) that allows feet to breathe. Socks that are too tight can cramp foot growth; those that are too long can wrinkle and cause irritations or blisters, though neatly folding up the tip of a too long sock before putting on the shoe can often solve the problem of wrinkling. Stretch-to-fit socks usually do fit well, but be alert for the point at which they become too small and begin squeezing, usually indicated by marks left on baby’s feet. Touch-sensitive babies will appreciate a seam that’s at the base of the toes rather than at the tip, where it can rub.
“Our daughter was born with a headful of hair and it’s gotten quite straggly and hard to manage.”
To the parents of countless hairless nine-month-olds, yours would be a problem they’d love to have. But handling an unruly head of superfine hair, particularly when it belongs to a squirming, uncooperative baby, could make any stylist want to throw in the comb. Things will probably get worse before they get much better; for some toddlers and preschoolers, every shampoo and comb-out is reason for a tantrum. But short of resorting to a short haircut (which, if you’re brave enough, may be the best way to go), you can get the best grooming results with the least struggle by using the following tips:
Untangle hair before beginning to shampoo, to prevent even worse tangles afterward.
Try using a shampoo-conditioner combination, or a spray-on detangler that doesn’t need to be rinsed out. Comb-outs will be much easier.
Use a wide-tooth comb or a brush that has bristles with plastic-coated tips for comb-outs on wet hair. A fine-tooth comb tends to tear the ends and also pulls more.
Untangle from the ends up, keeping one hand firmly on the roots as you work, to minimize the pulling on baby’s scalp and the pain that comes with it.
Don’t use a blow dryer on baby’s hair.
Don’t braid baby’s hair or pull it tightly into a ponytail or pigtails, since these styles can lead to patches of baldness or thinning of hair. If you do make ponytails or pigtails, make them loose, and tie them with special protective clips or coated bands rather than with regular rubber bands or barrettes, both of which can pull out and damage hair. Don’t use clips or barrettes small enough (or with parts small enough) to pose a choking hazard (see page 407). Take bands, clips, and barrettes out before you put baby to bed.
Trim hair (or have it trimmed at a salon that specializes in children’s cuts and patience) at least every two months, for healthier growth. Trim bangs when they reach the brows.
Plan hair grooming for a time when your baby isn’t tired, hungry, or cranky. Make it more pleasant by getting her occupied with a toy before beginning, possibly a long-haired doll and a comb. Or set her up in front of a mirror so she can watch you work on her hair; eventually, she may learn to appreciate the end result, making the sessions more tolerable.
“My baby used to love to watch me turn on the vacuum cleaner; now he’s suddenly terrified of it—and anything else that makes a loud noise.”
That’s because he’s wising up. When your baby was younger, loud noises didn’t frighten him—though they may have momentarily startled him—because he didn’t perceive the possibility they might be attached to something dangerous. Now, as his understanding of the world grows, so do his fears.
There are any number of things in a baby’s everyday life that, though innocuous to you, can trigger terror in him: sounds, such as the roar of a vacuum cleaner, the whir of a blender, the barking of a dog, the whine of a siren, the flushing of a toilet, the gurgle of water draining from the bathtub; having a shirt pulled over his head; being lifted high in the air (especially if he’s begun to climb, pull up, or otherwise develop depth perception); being plunked down in a bath; the motion of a wind-up or mechanical toy.
Probably all babies experience fears at some point, though some overcome them so quickly their parents are never aware of them. Children who live in a lively, active environment, particularly one with older siblings, tend to experience these fears earlier, as well as get rid of them earlier.
Sooner or later, most children leave the fears of late babyhood and toddler-hood behind. Till then, you can help your baby deal with his fears (which will likely multiply in the next year) in these ways:
Don’t force. Making your baby come nose to nozzle with the vacuum cleaner not only won’t help, it may intensify his fear. Though his phobia may seem irrational to you, it’s very legitimate to him. He needs to wait and confront the noisy beast on his own terms and in his own time, when he feels it’s safe.
Don’t resort to ridicule. Making fun of your child’s fears, calling them silly or laughing at them, will only serve to undermine his self-confidence and his ability to deal with them. Take his fears seriously—he does.
Do accept and sympathize. By accepting your baby’s fears as real, and offering comfort for them as needed, you’ll help him overcome them faster. If he wails when you switch on the vacuum cleaner (or flush the toilet, or turn on the blender) be quick to pick him up and give him a great big reassuring hug. But don’t overdo the sympathy or you may reinforce the idea that there is something to be afraid of.
Do reassure and support, then build confidence and skills. Though you should sympathize with his fears, your ultimate goal is to help him conquer them. He can do this only by becoming familiar with the things he fears, learning what they do and how they work, and gaining some sense of control over them. Let him touch or even play with the vacuum when it’s turned off and unplugged—he is probably as fascinated with the machine as he is afraid of it.
Once he becomes comfortable playing with the vacuum when it’s off, try holding him securely in one arm while you vacuum with the other—if this doesn’t upset him. Then show him how to turn the machine on himself, with a little help from you if the switch is tricky. If it’s the toilet’s flush he fears, have him throw some paper in and encourage him to flush it down himself when he feels ready. If it’s the draining tub, let him watch the water drain when he is safely out of it, fully dressed and, if need be, in your arms. If dogs are his nemesis, try playing with one while your baby watches from a distance and from a safe spot—perhaps from your spouse’s lap. When he’s finally willing to approach a dog, encourage your baby (while you hold him) to make “nice doggy” to a dog you know is gentle and won’t suddenly snap.
You applauded wildly your baby’s first successful attempt at pulling up, and cheered proudly from the sidelines as creeping finally became crawling. Now you’re wondering what all the celebration was about. Along with the new mobility has come a talent for getting into trouble to rival that of Dennis the Menace. If your baby’s not adroitly turning off the TV, he or she is triumphantly sliding the tablecloth (along with the fruit bowl atop it) from the dining room table, gleefully unraveling whole rolls of toilet paper, or industriously emptying the contents of drawers, cabinets, and bookshelves onto the floor. Before, all you had to do to keep both baby and home from harm was to deposit your child in a safe spot; now, no such haven exists.
For the first time, you’re likely to be upset by, rather than proud of, your offspring’s exploits. And for the first time the question of discipline has probably come up in your home. The timing is right. Waiting to introduce discipline into a child’s life much later than ten months could make the task much more difficult; trying to have done so much earlier, before memory was developed, would have been futile.
Why discipline a baby? First of all, to instill a concept of right and wrong. Though it’ll be a long time before your child will fully grasp it, it’s now that you should begin to teach right from wrong by both example and guidance. Second, to plant the seeds of self-control. They won’t take root for a while, but unless they do eventually, your child won’t be able to function effectively. Third, to teach respect for the rights and feelings of others, so that a child will grow from a normally self-centered baby and toddler into a sensitive and caring child and adult. And, finally, to protect your baby, your home, and your sanity—now and in the months of mischief ahead.
As you embark on a program of child discipline, keep the following in mind:
Though the word discipline is associated with punishment in many minds, it actually comes from the Latin word for “teach.”
Every child is different, every family is different, each situation is different. But there are universal rules of behavior that apply to everyone, at all times.
Until infants understand what is safe and what is not, or at least which actions are permissible and which are not, their parents have total responsibility for keeping the environment safe, as well as for safeguarding their own belongings and those of others.
Withdrawal of parental love threatens a child’s self-esteem. It’s important to let children know that they are still loved unconditionally, even when their behavior is disapproved of.
The most effective discipline is neither uncompromisingly rigid nor overly permissive. Strict discipline that relies entirely on parental policing rather than encouraging the development of self-control usually turns out children who are totally submissive to their parents but totally uncontrollable once out of reach of parental or other adult authority. On the other hand, overly permissive parents aren’t likely to turn out well-behaved children, capable of coping in the real world, either. Their overindulged children are often selfish, rude, and unpleasant, quick to argue, slow to comply.
Both extremes of discipline can leave a child feeling unloved. Strict parents may seem cruel, and thus unloving; permissive parents may seem not to care. A more nurturing brand of discipline falls somewhere in between—it sets limits that are fair, and enforces them firmly but lovingly.
That’s not to say that there aren’t normal variations in discipline styles. Some parents are simply more relaxed and some more rigid. That’s okay as long as neither goes to the extreme.
Effective discipline is individualized. If you have more than one child, you almost certainly noticed differences in personality from birth. Such differences will affect how each child is best disciplined. One, for instance, will refrain from playing with an electric outlet after a gentle remonstrance. Another won’t take your warning seriously unless there is a toughness—or perhaps fear—in your voice. A third may need to be physically removed from the source of danger. Tailor your style to your child.
Circumstances can alter a child’s response to discipline. A child who ordinarily requires strong admonitions may be crushed if scolded when tired or teething. Switch gears, if need be, to meet your child’s immediate needs.
Children need limits. They often can’t control themselves or their impulses and become frightened at the loss of control. Fair, age-appropriate limits, set by parents and lovingly and consistently enforced, provide a comforting tether to keep children secure and steady while they explore and grow. Stretching those limits because he or she’s “just a baby” isn’t fair to your child or to those whose rights are being violated. Tender age—at least after ten months—shouldn’t guarantee carte blanche to pull a sibling’s hair or tear up mommy’s magazine before she’s read it. Planning ahead and teaching baby to live with limits from an early age can help calm some of the turmoil of the terrible twos. It will also be necessary for success in a society that is full of limits—at school, work, and play.
Just which limits you set depends partly on your priorities. In some homes, keeping shoes off the sofa and not eating in the living room are paramount issues. In others, staying out of mommy’s or daddy’s desk is high on the list. In most families, common courtesy and simple etiquette—using “please” and “thank you,” sharing, respecting other people’s feelings—are key expectations. Set rules you will enforce carefully, and limit their numbers. Too many rules means too little opportunity for a baby to learn from his or her own explorations and mistakes.
Keep your baby’s age in mind as you set—and eventually enforce—the rules that apply to him or her. While it may be reasonable to expect a three-year-old to say “please” and “thank you” or to put away toys, it obviously isn’t reasonable to expect a one-year-old to. Expecting more than your child can deliver will invariably result in failure.
It’s easier, of course, to talk about setting and enforcing limits for babies than to actually follow through. It’s tempting to give in to an adorable tot who gives you an impish smile when you say “No!” or to a sweet, sensitive one who breaks into tears at the very sound of the word. But steel yourself and remember it’s for your child’s own good. It may not seem vital now to stop your baby from taking the crackers into the living room, but if he or she doesn’t learn to follow at least a few rules now, it will be harder to handle the many that will be faced later. You can continue to expect protestations, but gradually you will find that more and more, your child will accept limits matter-of-factly.
A baby who gets into trouble isn’t “bad.” Babies and young toddlers don’t know right from wrong, so their actions can’t be considered naughty. They learn about their world by experimenting, observing cause and effect, and testing the adults in it. What happens when I turn over a glass of juice? Will it happen again? And again? Or what’s inside the kitchen drawers, and what will happen if I take it all out? What will mommy’s reaction be?
Repeatedly telling your child that he or she is bad can damage the ego and interfere with self-confidence and achievement down the road. And the child who hears “You’re a bad boy [or girl]!” over and over may fulfill the prophecy in later years (“If they say I’m bad, I must be bad”). Criticize your baby’s actions but not your baby (“Biting is bad,” not “You’re bad”).
Consistency is important. Once you’ve made a fair number of age-appropriate rules, enforce them consistently. There’s nothing more unsettling to a young child than rules that apply only sometimes, or that vary depending on whether mommy or daddy or the baby-sitter’s on duty. If shoes on the sofa are forbidden today but permitted tomorrow, or if hand washing before dinner was compulsory yesterday but overlooked today, the only lesson learned is that the world is confusing and rules are meaningless.
Follow-through is crucial. Looking up from your book long enough to mutter “No” to a baby who’s tugging at the television wires but not long enough to make sure that he or she stops is not effective discipline (plus, it isn’t safe). If your actions don’t speak at least as loud as your words, your admonitions will lose their impact. When the first no is ineffective, take immediate action, especially in such a dangerous situation. Put down your book, pick up your baby, and move him or her away from the tempting TV wires—preferably far away, into another room. Then take your baby’s mind off the television with a favorite plaything. For most babies, what’s been taken out of sight is quickly out of mind—though a few may try to return to the scene of the crime, in which case you may have to block it off. Distraction, when it works, also allows a baby who feels that “No” is a challenge to his or her ego to save face.
Babies and young toddlers have limited memories. You can’t expect them to learn a lesson the first time it’s taught, and you can expect them to repeat an undesirable action over and over again. Be patient, and be prepared to repeat the same message—“Don’t touch the TV” or “Don’t eat the dog food”—every day for weeks before it finally sinks in or the fascination is lost.
Babies enjoy the “no game.” Most babies love the challenge of a parent’s “No!” as much as the challenge of climbing a flight of stairs or fitting a circle into a shape sorter. So no matter how your baby goads you, don’t let your “No!” deteriorate into a game or a fit of laughter. Your baby won’t take you seriously.
Too many nos lose their effectiveness and are demoralizing. You wouldn’t want to live in a world ruled by an unforgiving dictator whose three favorite words were “No! No! No!” And you shouldn’t want your baby to live in one either. Limit the nos to those situations in which baby’s well-being or that of another person or of your home is threatened. Remember that not every issue is worth a fight. Fewer nos will be needed if you create a childproof environment (see page 402) in your home, with plenty of opportunities for exploration under safe conditions.
Along with each no, try to offer a yes in the form of an alternative: “No, you can’t play with Daddy’s book, but you can look at this one,” or “You can’t empty the cereal shelf, but you can empty the pots and pans shelves.” Instead of “No, don’t touch those papers in Mommy’s desk” to the baby who already has emptied several items on the floor, try “Those papers belong in Mommy’s drawer. Let’s see if we can put the papers back and close the drawer.” This face-saving approach gets the message across without making your baby feel “bad.”
Once in a while, when the stakes aren’t high or when you realize you’ve made a mistake, let baby win. An occasional victory will help make up for the many losses he or she must take each day.
Children need to be allowed to make some mistakes, and to learn from them. If you make it impossible for your child to slip up (stashing away all knickknacks, for instance), you won’t have to say no very often, but you will also miss important chances to teach. Allow room for errors (though you’ll want to avoid those that are dangerous and/or expensive through prudent childproofing), so that your baby can learn from them.
Correction and reward work better than punishment. Punishment, always of questionable value, is particularly useless for young children, since they don’t understand why they’re being punished. A baby is too young to associate a time-out in the play yard with having just dumped the salt out of the salt shaker, or to understand that a bottle is being withheld because he or she bit a sibling. Instead of punishing misbehavior, catch your baby being good. Positive reinforcement, rewarding and praising good behavior, works much better. It builds, rather than smashes, self-confidence and encourages more good behavior. Another productive approach, one that teaches that actions have consequences, is to have the perpetrator help remedy the results of the offense—wipe up the spilt milk, pick up the scattered dish towels, hand you the books to put back on the shelf.
Anger triggers anger. Indulge in an angry outburst when your baby breaks a favorite candy dish by tossing it like a ball across the room, and he or she is likely to follow in fury, rather than respond with remorse. If necessary, take a few moments to temper your temper before addressing the guilty party. Once your cool is collected, explain to your baby that what he or she did was wrong, and why. (“That wasn’t a toy, it was Mommy’s dish. You broke it and now Mommy’s sad.”) This is important to do even if the explanation seems to be sailing clear over your baby’s head, or if distraction has already set in.
Try to remember at moments of high anxiety (it won’t always be easy) that your long-term goal is to teach right behavior, and that screaming or swatting will teach wrong behavior, setting poor examples of what’s appropriate when you’re angry.
Don’t worry if you occasionally find it impossible to put the brakes on your anger. As a human parent, you’re allowed your share of mistakes and weak moments, and your baby needs to know that. As long as your tirades are relatively few, far between, and short-lived, they won’t interfere with effective parenting. When they occur, be sure to apologize: “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I was very angry.” Adding “I love you” and a hug will not only be reassuring but will let your baby know that sometimes we get angry at people we love and that such feelings are okay.
Discipline can be a laughing matter. Nothing lightens life like humor—and it’s also a surprisingly effective disciplinary tool. Use it liberally in situations that would otherwise lead you to exasperation, for instance, when baby refuses to allow you to put a snowsuit on him. Instead of doing fruitless combat over shrill screams of protest, head off the tantrum and the struggle with some unexpected silliness. Suggest, perhaps, that you put the snowsuit on the dog (or the cat, or the dolly, or on yourself), and then pretend to do so. The incongruity of what you are proposing will probably take your baby’s mind off objections long enough for you to accomplish your goal.
Humor can be brought into a variety of disciplinary situations. Issue requests while pretending you’re a dog or a lion, Barney, or another of your child’s favorites; perform unpopular chores with silly-song accompaniments (“This is the way we wash the face, wash the face”); carry baby to the dreaded changing table (carefully supported) upside down; make silly faces in the mirror with baby instead of chiding, “Don’t cry, don’t cry.” Taking each other less seriously more often will add sunshine to your days, particularly as the sometimes stormy second year approaches. Stay serious, however, when a dangerous situation is involved, since then even a smile can be fatal to the effectiveness of the lesson you are trying to teach.
Accidents require different treatment from intentional wrongdoings. Remember, everyone’s entitled to mistakes, but babies, because of their emotional, physical, and intellectual immaturity, are entitled to a great many more of them. When yours knocks over a cup of milk while reaching for a slice of bread, “Oops, the milk spilled. Try to be more careful, honey” is an appropriate response. But when the cup is upended intentionally, “Milk is to drink, not to spill. Spilling makes a mess and wastes the milk. See, now there’s no more” is more fitting. In either case, it also helps to hand baby a paper towel to help in the cleanup, to fill cups with only small amounts of liquids in the future, and to be sure that your baby has plenty of opportunity to pursue his or her experiments with pouring fluids in the tub or other acceptable surroundings.
Parents have to be the adults in the family. That means staying calm when your almost-toddler throws a tantrum, apologizing when you’ve made a mistake, not always demanding things your way when they could just as easily be done your baby’s way—in general, acting your age while baby acts his or her age.
Children are worthy of respect. Instead of treating your baby as an object, a possession, or even “just a baby,” treat him or her with the respect you would accord any other person. Be polite (say please, thank you, and excuse me), offer simple explanations (even if you don’t think they’ll be understood) when you forbid something, be understanding of and sympathetic to your baby’s wants and feelings (even if you can’t permit acting them out), avoid embarrassing your baby (by scolding in front of strangers), and listen to what he or she is trying to say. In this preverbal stage, when grunts and pointing are the main modes of communication, listening is a challenge, and it continues to be so until speech becomes clear and language is well developed (somewhere between three and five)—but making that effort is important. Remember, it’s frustrating for baby, too. (See Signing with Baby, page 389, for ways to bridge this communication gap.)
There should be a fair distribution of rights between parents and child (or children). It’s easy, when a baby is young, for parents to err in this area, going to one extreme or the other. Some abrogate all their rights in favor of their child—they base their lives on baby’s schedule, drop everything at baby’s first whimper, always put baby’s needs before their own—and end up teaching their child that his or her rights are the only ones that matter. Others live their lives as though they were still childless. Without much thought to their infant’s needs, they drag an overtired baby to parties, skip story time in favor of a football game, and opt for hanging around the house on a Sunday afternoon over a trip to the playground. These parents teach their child that his or her rights don’t matter at all. To be fair, family life should be neither completely baby-focused or completely parent-centric. A balance is what’s needed.
Though spanking has been passed on from generation to generation in many families, many experts agree that it is not, and never has been, an effective way to discipline a child. Children who are spanked may refrain from repeating a misdemeanor rather than risk another spanking, but they obey only as long as the risk is present. Spanking may stop a child’s undesirable action in its tracks, but it won’t change behavior. It doesn’t teach children how to differentiate right from wrong (only what they get spanked for and what they don’t get spanked for)—which is, after all, the most important goal of discipline.
Research shows that the short-term benefit of spanking—instant obedience (for the moment)—is definitely outweighed by the potential long-term risks. Spanking has been shown to promote violence, aggression, and other antisocial behavior. For another, spanking teaches children that the best way to settle disputes is with force, and denies them the chance to learn (through a parent’s example) alternative, less hurtful, routes to dealing with anger and frustration. It also represents an abuse of power by a very large, strong party against a very small, weak one (a model you don’t want your child to follow later on in the playground). And it can lead to serious injury of a child, often unintentionally, particularly when it is done in anger. Spanking after the anger is cooled, though it may do less physical damage, seems even more questionable than lashing out in the heat of the moment. It is certainly more cruelly calculated, and it is even less effective in correcting behavior. In fact, experts say there’s often a gray area between when spanking ends and child abuse begins.
The AAP, saying that spanking has negative consequences and is no more effective than other forms of discipline, recommends that parents use methods other than spanking to discipline their children, such as consequences: time-outs (when the child is old enough to understand the meaning of time-outs) or positive reinforcement. If spanking is done spontaneously out of anger, the AAP recommends that parents should later explain calmly why they did it, the specific behavior that provoked it, and how angry they felt, as well as issue an apology (again, this is for children who are old enough to understand).
If it’s inadvisable for a parent to spank a child, it is even more inadvisable for another person to do so. Though with a parent a child is usually secure in the knowledge that the spanking has been given by someone who cares, with someone outside the family there’s generally no such security. Sitters, teachers, and others who tend to your child should be instructed never to strike him or her or administer any form of physical punishment.
Some experts (and parents) would agree that a sound smack on the hand or the bottom may be warranted in a dangerous situation to get a serious message across to a child too young to understand words—for example, when a toddler wanders out into the street or approaches a hot stove and a stern reprimand doesn’t do the trick. Once comprehension is established, however, physical force is no longer justifiable.
Nobody’s perfect—and nobody should be expected to be. Avoid setting standards that your baby can’t possibly live up to. Children need all the years that childhood provides to develop to the point at which they can behave as adults. And as they grow and mature, they also need to know that you don’t expect perfection at any age. Praise particular achievements rather than make sweeping pronouncements about your child’s nature: “You were very good in the store” rather than “You’re the best baby in the world.” Since no one can be “good” all the time, such overlavish praise on a regular basis can make a child fear that your expectations can’t possibly be lived up to. It can also help create a praise junkie, always dependent on that cheer, that pat on the back, to feel good about him or herself.
Neither should you expect perfection from yourself. Parents who never lose their temper, never yell, and never even have the remotest desire to slug a difficult toddler don’t exist; even the father of that early television series didn’t always know best. And verbally venting your feelings of anger and frustration occasionally (without acting on that slugging impulse; see box, previous page) may be better than keeping them bottled up inside. Bottled-up anger has a way of bursting out inappropriately, often far out of proportion to the crime of the moment.
If, however, you find yourself losing your temper at your baby too often, try to determine the underlying cause. Are you angry about being responsible for all the childcare chores? Are you really angry at yourself or someone else, and taking it out on baby? Have you set too many limits or provided too many opportunities for baby to get into trouble? If so, try to remedy the situation.
Children need to know they have some control over their lives. For good mental health, everyone—even a baby—needs to feel as though he or she calls at least some of the shots. It won’t always be possible for baby to have his or her way, but when it is appropriate, allow it. Give your baby a chance to make some choices—the cracker or the piece of bread, the swing or the baby slide, the bib with the elephant or the one with the clown. Just don’t offer too many choices (which will only overwhelm baby), and know when a choice isn’t baby’s to make (when it comes to sitting in the car seat, for instance).
