During the nine months of pregnancy, the direct care of your baby was pretty much out of your hands—not by choice, but thanks to the quirks of reproductive biology. You could stand by, offering love and support (and the occasional pint of ice cream) to your pregnant spouse, but you couldn’t take over the responsibility of nurturing your baby even for a moment.
Now that the cord’s been cut, the rules of the game have changed. No longer do you need special biological equipment in order to care for your baby (though breasts might come in handy). You don’t even need experience (like your spouse, you’ll learn all you need to know on the job). All you need to be a partner in parenting is enthusiasm, a good sense of humor, a certain amount of stamina (there are a lot of late nights involved), and dogged dedication to the wonderful, unpredictable, exhausting, exhilarating, enlightening, ever-challenging business of raising a child.
“I’d like to take some time off when my baby is born, but we’re not sure that I should use up all of my vacation time.”
Luckily, most fathers today don’t have to choose between enjoying baby’s first few weeks of life at home and enjoying a vacation later on. The Family and Medical Leave Act allows both men and women who work in companies of fifty or more workers to take up to twelve weeks of leave before or after the birth of a baby, without tapping into vacation days. Unhappily, for the vast majority of fathers the priceless experience of spending time with their newborn comes with a price—their paycheck. While some (but far too few) enlightened companies offer at least some (but far too little) paid maternity leave to new mothers, the corporate world has been even slower in responding to the needs of new fathers; very few companies grant paid leave to their male employees.
For this reason—and because some men fear that taking the paternity leave that’s allowed them by law will result in hostility from their coworkers and management—most fathers don’t take advantage of FMLA. Some take no more than a day or two off; others patch together a few days of vacation and a few sick days to stretch their time at home with baby to a week.
Sure, this chapter’s devoted to the special concerns of new fathers—just as the postpartum chapter (see pages 664 to 714) is devoted to the special concerns of new moms. But that doesn’t mean your reading should stop here. Unless you’ve been around the baby block once or twice before, there’s probably lots you (like your spouse) need to learn about the care and feeding of an infant. You’ll find what you need to know in the rest of this book (though some things you’ll just have to figure out through baby-trial-and-error). So don’t stop here—start at the beginning to find out what to expect the first year.
But the trend is definitely moving in the right direction. A growing number of fathers are deciding to take advantage of paternity leave so that they can spend extra time with their new family. And nearly all who do would agree that it is a time not to be missed—no matter what the cost.
To make the most of the rights you do have on the job, and to make the most of the time you have with baby:
Know your rights. Not all companies are obligated to offer FMLA; a few offer more than the law requires. To get the scoop, read the fine print in your company handbook (if there is one) or ask someone in the human resources department of your company.
Sniff around. If you’re not sure how family-friendly your company is—and how your employer would react to your taking family leave—seek out other men in your company who have successfully (or unsuccessfully) blazed the paternity leave trail. It’s possible that you can use their experiences to make your experience a better one.
Stock up on overtime. Some fathers stockpile overtime in the weeks before delivery, and exchange it for time off when baby arrives. Of course, this will work only if your company policy allows it and if you are ordinarily compensated for overtime.
Mix it up. If you can’t afford to take all unpaid leave, consider combining unpaid leave with some accrued vacation time or sick days.
Spread it out. If you’d like to take several weeks off, but your employer isn’t happy about your taking them consecutively, try spreading the time out over a longer period. The options are endless: You could take one week off each month, one or two days off each week (choose to take Fridays off, and you have yourself a long weekend), numerous half days. Not only will that kind of schedule interfere less with work, but it’ll keep that baby buzz going even longer, and give you an opportunity to spend time with him or her at different stages of development.
Work by phone. Telecommuting is a viable option for many workers, either on a part-time or full-time basis. You could also head to the office for important meetings, as needed.
If it turns out you have to—or choose to—use up your vacation time so that you can be home during those first weeks, keep in mind that the resorts, cruises, and tours will still be there next year, but your baby will be a newborn only once. Paternity leave is almost always worth the price of admission.
“My wife and I have decided that I should stay at home with the baby while she works. I’m excited at the prospect of being a stay-at-home father, but also a little nervous.”
Although the Hollywood-generated image of a stay-at-home dad—the bumbling incompetent who turns the white laundry pink, burns dinner, and puts baby’s diaper on backward—is still pretty pervasive, it’s just a matter of time before it becomes as outdated as it is unfounded. More and more dads in the United States—an estimated 2.5 million—are bucking the roles traditionally carved out by society to stay at home with their children. Far from bumbling, these full-time dads are proving once and for all that—with the exception of breastfeeding—there’s nothing a mother can do that a father can’t do at least as well.
For some, it’s a choice made out of economic necessity: Since their wife earns more money, it makes financial sense for her to become the sole breadwinner while dad becomes the sole bread baker. For others, it’s a choice made for career reasons, as when the father’s job can be more easily put on hold than the mother’s, or when the mother’s job means more to her than the father’s does to him. Still other fathers choose to stay home because they want to or because their temperaments are better suited to full-time child care than are their spouses’.
While many stay-at-home dads turn in their briefcases when they take on their new responsibilities, some figure out ways to combine baby with work—by free-lancing or telecommuting. Others choose the most challenging scenario of all—dad works the night shift after spending the day with the kids (though this arrangement is physically draining and leaves room for virtually no couple time).
Though there are countless joys and endless satisfaction for the stay-at-home dad to experience (it’s often he who gets to see that first real smile or hear that first word), there’s also some potential for pitfalls—most shared with stay-at-home moms who temporarily have left their careers behind, some unique to fathers. For one thing, unless they know other stay-at-home fathers, they may feel somewhat isolated. While stay-at-home moms can usually become part of a network of other moms, stay-at-home dads can feel like a fish out of water at play groups, baby classes, and other settings where mothers and babies hang out. For another, some men have trouble fielding the insensitive questions and comments they’re likely to encounter: “So when are you going back to work?” or “Did you get laid off your job?” They may also have self-esteem issues of their own to deal with, if being without a paycheck or a career path leaves them feeling less valued. Suddenly being without the stimulation of a career (and adult conversation) may prove a tough adjustment for any stay-at-home parent—male or female—to make.
Still, most fathers find that the pleasures of stay-at-home parenting make the challenges more than worthwhile. And eventually, many of the challenges become easier to handle. They learn how to proudly confront cocktail party wisecracks. They discover how to blend in with the moms at play groups and playgrounds, or how to seek out the few fathers in their neighborhood who are also full-time parents. Most important of all, they realize that though the job they’re doing doesn’t come with a paycheck, it comes with more benefits and bonuses than any other.
And as a father opting for full-time parenting today, you’re likely to find fewer challenges than those who took on the job even a few years ago. There are more family bathrooms available in public places, more men’s rooms that come equipped with changing stations (though, you’ll probably find, there still aren’t enough). There are support groups for stay-at-home dads to join, as well as chat rooms on-line. There are even conferences and get-togethers where full-time fathers can swap insights and resources.
For more information on being a stay-at-home dad, check out www.slow lane.com and www.athomedad.com.
“We have a beautiful and healthy baby girl, just what my wife has always wanted. Still, she’s been weepy and unhappy ever since she came home from the hospital.”
A number of factors—from a sense of let-down over not being pregnant anymore to frustration over still looking as if she is—combine with hormonal upheaval to trigger baby blues in more than half of all newly or recently delivered women. Fortunately, these blues aren’t long-lasting. In fact, most “blue” moms start to feel in the pink within a couple of weeks.
Though hormonal changes may contribute to baby blues, you don’t have to be an endocrinologist—only a loving, attentive, and supportive partner—to help banish these common mood swings. Try to:
Lighten her load. Fatigue, a major contributor to depression, is an inevitable component of the postpartum period. Be sure that your spouse has all the help she needs (which in the initial few weeks, while she’s recovering from labor and delivery, will be a lot)—from you when you’re around, and from others when you’re not. Remember that even if you’re working full-time (hopefully you’ve managed to score some paternity leave so you’re not working at all right now), being a partner in parenting means sharing equally in all aspects of baby care. And being a partner in life means sharing equally in all aspects of home care—from doing the laundry to vacuuming to marketing to cooking.
Brighten her day—and night. When the new arrival becomes the center of every-one’s attention, the new mother often feels neglected. She may also feel inadequate (having much to learn about the care and feeding of an infant) as well as unattractive (having many pregnancy pounds still to shed). Here, too, you can make a difference. Compliment her at unexpected moments on how good she is with the baby, how radiant she looks, how slim she looks, how motherhood becomes her. Cheer her up with little gifts—flowers, a pair of earrings, a new CD she can listen to while she’s nursing, a pretty nightgown with easy breast-access.
Take her away from it all. Time alone together is critical not only for her sake but also for the sake of your relationship. Make some time daily for the two of you.
Though baby blues will fade on their own (and will fade faster with your help), true postpartum depression, which affects about 10 to 20 percent of new mothers, won’t. PPD is a serious condition that needs prompt professional attention. If your wife’s depression lasts more than two weeks, is accompanied by sleeplessness (or a desire to sleep around the clock), lack of appetite, expressions of hopelessness and helplessness, anger, extreme anxiety or agitation, or suicidal or violent urges, don’t wait any longer for it to pass. Insist that she seek help from her practitioner, and that she receive a referral to a therapist who is experienced in the treatment of PPD. Don’t let anyone reassure you that PPD is normal—it isn’t. In addition to supportive psychotherapy and medication with antidepressants, the treatment for PPD may also include light therapy. (See page 672 for more on PPD.)
Once in a while, PPD holds off until the new mother weans her breastfed baby. As with any depression, it should be treated promptly.
“How come my wife feels terrific since our son was born, and I’m the one with postpartum depression?”
Short of carrying the fetus and nursing the baby, there’s virtually no aspect of parenting fathers can’t take part in—including postpartum mood swings. In fact, a full 62 percent of dads in one study were found to be suffering from the “baby blues.” And as in women, it’s speculated, hormones may be at least partly to blame (research has shown that many men experience a surge in female hormones during their partner’s pregnancy and the postpartum period, perhaps as nature’s way of bringing out the nurturer in the male of the species). But it’s also likely that any number of the following contributing factors (all of which can also affect new mothers) are combining to bring you down at what you may have expected would be one of the highest points of your life:
Financial stress. Rare is the parent who is exempt from financial concerns once there’s another mouth to feed, body to clothe, mind to educate, and future to plan. The stress can be compounded when one paycheck in a two-paycheck family suddenly disappears, even temporarily.
Feeling like a third wheel. A father who’s become accustomed to being the center of his spouse’s life may be somewhat disheartened to suddenly discover himself on the sidelines, watching her attention being lavished on a noisy newcomer.
A love life lost. With endless diaper changes, feedings, and sleepless nights to contend with, sex is probably the last thing on your spouse’s mind right now—and possibly yours, too. That can be depressing enough. But so can the fear that romance—and intimacy—may never be completely revived now that the cozy company of your twosome has been invaded by a demanding third party.
Changed relationships. A husband who had been dependent on his wife for the fulfillment of a variety of needs may be upset to find she’s suddenly unavailable because she’s busy filling someone else’s needs. Conversely, a husband used to having his wife depend on him may be unnerved to find that she, having found a dependent of her own, no longer is. Until he adjusts to the changing family dynamics, a new father can feel emotionally out of kilter.
Altered lifestyle. Even if you didn’t exactly have a full social calendar before baby’s arrival, you can still be depressed about the stay-at-home life now that he’s here. At least for a while, even a movie or a dinner with friends may be a seemingly unattainable goal, and staying in night after night can certainly spark a dark mood in anyone but the most confirmed homebody—mother or father.
Sleep deprivation. Though the father who routinely answers his baby’s calls is likely to be most worn out by middle-of-the-night wakings, even the father who doesn’t is bound to feel the effects of night after night of disturbed sleep. The physical exhaustion soon takes an emotional toll, often in the form of depression.
Being aware of the possible causes of your “baby blues” may help you to escape, or at least manage, them—particularly if you take steps to modify their effects (see tips throughout this chapter). Adjustment to the demands of parenthood (you’ll eventually fall into a rhythm), and to the changes in your lifestyle and in the family dynamics (you’ll eventually become accustomed to these, too), will also help you feel better. Then again, it’s possible that your depression will linger for a few weeks no matter what you do and then disappear as unexpectedly as it arrived. If it doesn’t, and if it starts to interfere with your functioning and/or with your relationship with your wife and/or your child, speak to your family doctor or contact a therapist.
“Now that my wife is breastfeeding, touching her breasts during sex makes me uncomfortable.”
Breasts were designed for both fun and function. Although these purposes are not only not mutually exclusive but are actually interdependent in the grand scheme of things (if breast play weren’t fun, there wouldn’t be as many babies to nurse), they can conflict temporarily during lactation.
Many couples, either for aesthetic reasons (leaking milk, for instance) or because they feel uncomfortable using their baby’s source of nourishment for their own sexual pleasure, find Breastfeeding a very definite turnoff. Others, however, find it a sexual turn-on, possibly because of its inherently sensual nature. Either reaction is perfectly normal.
If you feel that your wife’s breasts are too functional to be sexy now, if leaking occurs on stimulation and you find that to be unsettling, or if your touching them makes your wife uncomfortable, simply leave them out of sexual foreplay until baby is weaned.
Be sure, however, to be open and honest with your wife now. Taking a sudden, unexplained hands-off approach to her breasts could leave her feeling that becoming a mother has somehow made her unappealing as a lover. Also be sure she gets her full share of foreplay in other ways. Because of vaginal dryness (which is more pronounced in women who breastfeed), fatigue, and plenty of other post-partum factors, she may need much more warming up than she did prebaby.
“The first time we had sex after the baby was born my wife had a lot of pain. Now I’m so afraid of hurting her again that I’ve been avoiding sex.”
You may hurt her more by avoiding sex than by initiating it. Possibly more than ever before, your wife needs to feel attractive, desirable, and wanted—even if she herself is having mixed feelings (either because of fear of pain or lack of desire). Although your intentions are certainly noble, steering away from love-making may lead to beneath-the-surface anger and resentment in either or both of you, which could actually put your relationship at risk.
But before you approach her again sexually, approach her verbally. Tell her your concerns, and find out what hers are. Decide together whether you’d like to give lovemaking another shot soon, or whether you’d rather wait a little longer. Whatever you decide, the tips on page 686 will help minimize the pain and maximize the pleasure when lovemaking resumes. (The number one tip being: Bring on the foreplay, and lots of it.) Remember, too, that postponing intercourse does not—and should not—mean postponing intimacy. Right now, as two exhausted parents, you may find just as much fulfillment in a night of cuddling as in a night of lovemaking.
Thought breastfeeding was just between a mom and her baby? Actually, fathers factor in plenty. Research shows that when fathers are supportive, moms are far more likely to try nursing—and to stick with it. In other words, while it only takes two to breastfeed, it seems to take three to make breastfeeding successful.
“I love my new daughter, but I also love my wife, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m jealous of all the time my wife spends with her. She doesn’t seem to have any energy left for me.”
There may be a companionable new twosome in your family, but it doesn’t mean that three has to be a crowd. To help you deal with those jealous feelings (which, by the way, are normal and common among new dads, and often among new moms, too), take these steps—they’ll also help you preserve and improve your own adult twosome:
Make your feelings known. Perhaps your wife isn’t aware that as she’s getting to know your baby she’s losing touch with you. Let her know you appreciate the terrific job she’s doing as a mother, but remind her that full-grown men, too, need regular doses of tender loving care—though they may not always be as vocal as babies in demonstrating that need.
Make it a love triangle. Join them. As time alone with each other becomes a more and more precious and elusive commodity, concentrate on spending more time together as a family—stretching that mother-baby twosome into a cozy threesome—which you may find will strengthen the bonds between you as a couple. Fully sharing all the responsibilities and joys of baby care will give your wife more time to devote to you, while giving you less inclination (and energy) to feel jealous.
Make yourself useful. Even fathers who believe they’re pulling their weight around the home often aren’t doing their fair share, which should work out to half of the household responsibilities. The more chores you take over—or do together—the more energy your spouse will have left for you. She’ll also be less likely to feel resentment, a sentiment that’s bound to have a negative impact on the time you do spend together.
Make a deal. Negotiate for some private time with your wife. Try to arrange to set aside an hour each night (after the baby’s asleep and before the television goes on) for the two of you to spend together eating dinner (if it isn’t too late), unwinding, chatting (hopefully not just about the baby), getting to know each other again. Bargain to reserve at least one night a month (a weekly date would be better, and a good goal to shoot for as baby gets on a more regular schedule) for a special and romantic evening out.
Make a little love. Romance is a twoway street. It’s possible that your wife is feeling as neglected by you, since the baby’s been born, as you are by her. So go out of your way to cast that romantic spell: Be spontaneous (flowers for no reason), flirtatious (hug her from behind as she bends over to pick up that diaper), lavish her with compliments (especially when she needs them most).
In spite of all your efforts, and even your wife’s good intentions, you may find that she still seems distant. That’s not unusual in women for anywhere between six weeks to six months after the birth of a baby. This attitude may be part of a builtin protective mechanism that keeps a new mother from cohabiting (and conceiving) too soon after delivery, and ensures that her attention and energies are focused on the newborn. It isn’t a reflection on her partner or a barometer of her love for him. Be patient—and be supportive—and it will pass. If, however, you’re still having trouble making a love connection well into the second half of the year, and talking about it doesn’t help, professional counseling may be needed.
“I want to be involved with caring for the baby, and I want to help my spouse out. But I’ve never had any experience with an infant, and I’m feeling completely useless.”
Most new fathers—and most new mothers—feel the same way you do in the first few weeks of parenthood. That’s because few parents come on the job with experience, and as a result, few come on with very much in the way of confidence. While most other occupations offer training, support, and supervisory guidance, parenting offers none of these—new moms and dads must learn their trade on the job.
And the best way to learn is by doing. The fact is that you don’t need prior experience to succeed at parenting—all you need is the willingness to try and a lot of love to offer. Though those with some baby care under their belts may get off to a faster start, even a novice like you will be running (and rocking, and bathing, and changing) neck-and-neck with the pros within a couple of months. In the meantime, you needn’t worry about your baby’s suffering because of your inexperience. First of all, babies are resilient, and a lot tougher than you’d think. Your son won’t “break” if your touch is tentative or awkward. Second, he’ll be a good sport as you learn. He has no frame of reference, no “perfect” father to measure you against. As long as his immediate needs are attended to, and he senses your good intentions, he’s bound to appreciate you—imperfections and inexperience, crooked diapers and all. (Keep in mind that there’s no such thing as a “perfect” father or mother; even the experienced ones make lots of mistakes.)
Think only mom has that special touch when it comes to baby? Think again. Research shows that a dad’s touch has an equally positive effect on a baby’s health, well-being, and development (massage has been linked to fewer sleep problems and better digestion in babies, among many other physical and emotional perks). And baby’s not the only one who stands to gain when you rub him or her the right way. Fathers who learn to soothe their babies through massage see their own stress levels drop, experience increased self-esteem as parents, and establish warm, positive relationships with their newborns that continue through childhood. For tips on how to give your baby a massage, see page 304.
Don’t sell your intuition short, either, because of your gender. Studies show that fathers exhibit the same physiological responses to a baby’s crying as mothers, and they can be just as sensitive to a baby’s cues (although because they’re unfortunately less likely to spend as much time around baby as a mother, they’re less likely to sharpen this sensitivity and respond accordingly). Some fathers, in fact, once the initial trepidation has worn off, demonstrate even greater natural ability for parenting than their female partners. Babies aren’t blind to this: By their first birthdays, children are as likely to object to being separated from father as from mother, and a full 25 percent are more likely to go to their dads than their moms when given the choice.
Make room for daddy. It seems that when it comes to a child’s development, fathers matter as much as mothers do—and in some respects, even more.
Researchers have found that infants and toddlers whose fathers play with them in a sensitive, supportive, and challenging way (talking to a child on his or her own level, encouraging instead of criticizing, and suggesting activities that are truly child-friendly) end up forming closer and more trusting relationships with others when they become teenagers and adults. What’s more, the experts concluded that the quality of daddy play is at least as crucial as mother-infant interaction in predicting a child’s future emotional and social well being, especially as the teen years roll around.
Kids develop better when their moms don’t have a corner on the bonding market, too. According to the expert, children who are well attached to their fathers by age five are more likely to be confident and socially successful as grade-schoolers.
A couple more good reasons to make every day Father’s Day.
If your spouse has had previous experience caring for babies, or is taking to the job more readily than you, have her show you the ropes. If she’s as green as you, learn as you go, together (the tips in the Baby-Care Primer, starting on page 133, will help). You’ll both be pros the next time around.
“I work a long day at the office while my wife stays home with our daughter. I don’t mind helping out on the weekend, but I resent her pressuring me to give her a hand on weeknights, particularly in the middle of the night.”
Caring for your baby when you come home from work, a time when you used to relax and unwind from the pressures of the day, may seem an unfair burden; it does to many husbands of women who don’t work outside the home. But, actually, it’s not unfair and it’s far from a burden.
Consider these facts. While your job has limited hours—eight, maybe ten a day tops—the job of parenting a new baby is around-the-clock. Which means that your wife works all the same hours you do—and if you don’t share in the parenting when you come home, another fourteen or sixteen hours that you don’t work. Her daytime workday is at least as physically and emotionally demanding as yours (more so if she’s nursing). Though you need to rise in the early light of each morning to start another day of work, so does she, except that unlike you, she won’t be able to take lunch hours, coffee breaks, and often, not even bathroom breaks. In other words, she needs relief in the evening more than you need the rest you’ll be giving up by sharing the parenting load fully.
Caring for your baby is also an incomparable opportunity. In previous generations, few fathers spent a significant amount of time with their babies. As a member of a more enlightened generation, you’re being handed the chance to get to know your daughter as you couldn’t otherwise. You may miss the evening news or a before-dinner workout, but you’ll find that an even better way to relax and unwind is with your baby. Nothing can make you forget a personnel problem, a botched job, or a lost deal faster than conversing in coos with your baby as you change her diapers, watching her splash and giggle in the tub, or rocking her gently to sleep. And while you’re forgetting your workaday cares, you’ll also be building a collection of moments to remember.
Children of smoking parents have considerably more illness than children of nonsmokers, are more likely to die from SIDS, and are more likely to smoke themselves. They are also more likely to be colicky. If you’re a smoker and have had difficulty quitting, seek help from your doctor or join a smoking cessation program or group. A smoke-free environment—and a smoke-free dad—is one of the best gifts you can give your baby.
Which is not to say that every moment you spend with your little one, particularly in the middle of the night, will be one you’ll want to remember (some will pass in such a thick, sleepy fog that you wouldn’t be able to remember them even if you wanted to). Like any job, baby care has its quota of hard work.
Keep in mind, too, next time you walk the floor with your colicky baby, that while baby care now may seem more a chore than a delight, soon the rewards will begin to outweigh the stresses. At first, it will be the smiles and gurgles meant just for you, then a breathless “da-da” when you come through the door, then a finger raised for your kiss to make a boo-boo better. Later, and for years to come, compensation will come in the form of a closer relationship with your child that will not only bring joy but will also make the more difficult times a little easier.
Of course, sometimes both your spouse and you will need a break from child care, so be sure that once in a while there’s a night out for just the two of you.
“I work long hours, often staying late at the office. I want to spend more time with my new son, but I don’t seem to have any.”
If there was ever something worth making time for, that little baby of yours is it. As terrific a job of parenting as one parent can do, two can do it twice as well. Baby boys who get lots of attention from their fathers are brighter and happier by the time their half-year birthday rolls around than boys who don’t. So it’s not just you who stands to lose if you don’t spend time with your son. (Little girls, too, grow up more confident when they are close to their dads.) Research also shows that children who have active and involved fathers learn better, have higher self-esteem, and are less prone to depression than those who don’t.
Make more time for your baby, even if it means taking time from other important activities in your life. Organization may help. Try to dovetail your working hours and your baby’s waking ones. If you don’t have to be in the office until ten, spend the early morning with him. If you don’t get home until eight, see if your spouse can arrange his schedule so that he naps early in the evening, then is up for play time with you before bed (of course, this will cut into time alone with her). Or bring some work home so you can cut out of the office earlier. If a lot of extracurricular activities (whether nighttime meetings or weekend sports) keep you from your baby’s side, cut back on them.
Especially if you’re not able to make a great deal of time for your baby, it’s important to make the most of the time you do have. Wield the baby spoon at breakfast, give the bath at night, take the baby to the playground on Saturday morning.
You can also make time for your baby by including him, when feasible, in your other activities. If you’ve got a few errands to run, strap him in a baby carrier and take him along. If jogging is on your schedule, tuck him in a stroller and increase your aerobic effort by pushing as you go (but don’t jog with him in a baby carrier). And if you’ve got some chores to do or some catch-up work on the computer, prop him securely in a baby seat or tuck him into a baby sling and let him watch as you provide a blow-by-blow description of what you’re doing.
