CHAPTER 25

From Only Child to Older Child

When you brought your first child home from the hospital, you were novices at parenting, with a lot to learn about living with and caring for a new baby. Now, as you’re about to bring home your second child, you’re seasoned pros who’ve been there, done that, and lived to tell about it. You know your way around a diaper table (in your sleep), don’t get flustered when the crying starts, aren’t fazed by the sight of an umbilical stump or daunted at the prospect of giving a sponge bath. This time around, it’ll be your first born who will have a lot to learn—and a lot of adjustments to make—as he or she makes that difficult shift from only child to older child. Following the suggestions and tips in this chapter won’t make that transition effortless for your older child (or for you), but it can help to make it smoother.

The best tip of all? Relax. Children take their cues from the adults around them. If you’re anxious about how your child is going to react to a new sibling, your child will be anxious, too.

What You May Be Concerned About

PREPARING AN OLDER CHILD

“We have a two-and-a-half-year-old and we’re expecting another baby. How can we best prepare our first child so she won’t feel threatened?”

Gone are the days when children sat through mysterious talk about cabbage patches and storks. Today, sibling-to-be preparation is considered nearly as important as childbirth preparation, at least for second-time parents. Instead of being excluded from the excitement that will culminate in the arrival of a new brother or sister, firstborns are often involved in mom’s pregnancy from the early months on.

The first step in preparing your child for the fact that she’s about to become a big sister is to break the news of the pregnancy. Just when and how to do this depends somewhat on her age. From a young child’s perspective, nine months can be nothing short of an eternity, and in the case of your daughter, very close to half of her own life. So that the wait for her sibling won’t be interminable, and because most parents-to-be feel more comfortable sharing the news about their pregnancies once the first trimester has been passed, you may want to hold off until the end of the third month or the beginning of the fourth to tell her that a baby’s on the way. (If you’re anxious about amnio or other test results, you might even want to wait until you’ve gotten the all-clear.) Just make sure you tell her before she hears it from someone else, or begins to sense that something is wrong or that something’s being kept from her (mom’s feeling sick, tired, and has to go to the doctor; her belly is suddenly swollen; there are unexplained changes going on around the house). Since young children have little concept of the passing of the time, tying the due date to something concrete (“The baby’s coming in the summer, when it’s warm out”) may make it a little more tangible.

How to break the news? Do it honestly, but on her level. Skip over the birds and the bees, the storks and the cabbage patches, and just give her the facts in simple language that she can understand. In figuring out how much information is enough, and how much is too much, let your daughter be your guide. Always start with the most basic facts, something along the lines of: “We’re going to have a baby. The baby is growing inside of mommy, and when it gets big enough to come out, you’ll have a new brother or sister.” Don’t volunteer more, but be ready to answer follow-up questions as they come. In your answers, consider using the correct terms for body parts—“uterus” or “womb” for baby’s location, “vagina” for baby’s exit route. For help finding the right words, and to make this very hard-to-grasp concept a little more real, read your daughter age-appropriate picture books on the subject.

Once the kitten’s out of the bag, there are a number of steps you can take to make the expected arrival less threatening to the child already in residence—and perhaps even eagerly anticipated:

Make any planned major changes in your child’s life early in the pregnancy if you haven’t had a chance to make them before conception. For example, get her enrolled and settled in a preschool or play group (if this is in your plans, anyway), so that she’ll have an out-of-home experience to escape to once the baby’s arrived and won’t feel she’s being displaced because of the baby. Begin toilet training her (if she’s ready) or weaning her from the bottle now (if you haven’t done this yet), rather than just after your new baby’s birth. Any significant changes not made within a month or two of the baby’s due date should probably be postponed until a couple of months after the birth, if possible.

Get your child used to spending a little less time alone with mom. Initiate (or continue) some regular father-first-born fun activities (Sunday morning breakfast out, Saturday afternoon at the play group, a Tuesday night “dinner date” at the pizza place). If mom’s always in charge of bedtime, now might be a good time to start switching off (you can continue to switch off once baby’s born, to make sure you both get plenty of one-on-one with her, and plenty with the new baby). Start leaving her with a baby-sitter for short periods during the day, if you haven’t already and will need to after the baby arrives. Be careful, though, not to withdraw too far or too suddenly from your firstborn; she needs to be reassured (through loving actions, not in so many words) that the arrival of a baby won’t mean the loss of either of her parents.

Be honest and open about the physical changes mom’s undergoing. Explain that you’re tired, queasy, or grumpy because “making a baby” is hard work, not because you’re sick or sick of her. But don’t use the pregnancy as an excuse for not picking her up as much as you used to. Picking up a child is not in any way threatening to your pregnancy unless your doctor has for some reason (such as premature dilatation of your cervix) forbidden it. If you can’t pick her up because your back is killing you, blame your back, not the baby (which might set the stage for sibling rivalry), and give her extra hugs from a sitting position. If you need to lie down more often, suggest she lie down with you and nap, read a story, or watch TV together.

Introduce your child to the new baby while it’s still in the uterus. Show her month-by-month pictures of fetal development that seem appropriate for her age (again, a picture book is ideal). Explain that as the baby grows so will mommy’s tummy, and that when the baby is big enough it will be ready to come out. As soon as kicks are easily seen and felt by outsiders, let her experience the baby’s movements herself. Encourage her (but don’t push her if she resists) to kiss, hug, sing, and talk to the baby. When referring to the baby, call it “our baby” or “your baby” to give her a sense that it belongs to her as well as to you. If you haven’t learned the sex of the baby through ultrasound or amniocentesis, make a game out of guessing whether a brother or sister is on the way.

Take your child to at least one or two prenatal visits (and if she seems interested and isn’t disruptive, take her to all of them) so she will feel like more than a player in the unfolding pregnancy drama. Explain that these visits are like checkups for the baby, and that just like at her doctor’s checkups, the doctor (or midwife) will be measuring the baby to see how much it’s grown and listening to the baby’s heartbeat. Hearing the heartbeat for herself will help make the baby more of a reality for her. If an ultrasound photograph has been taken, show her that, too. But be sure to bring a snack and a book or favorite toy to the practitioner’s office in case of a long wait or a waning attention span. And if she decides she doesn’t care for a return visit, don’t push her to go.

Involve your child in any baby preparations she shows interest in. Let her help you pick out furnishings, a layette, and toys. Go through her old toys and baby clothes together (this will also help her understand the concept of growth) to select items which might be recyclable, but don’t pressure her to hand down anything until she wants to. Making her the official present opener for the baby (since babies are too little to open their own presents), will help her feel less jealous of the windfall baby is receiving. So will explaining that all babies get lots of presents when they’re born, because it’s like their “birth day,” and that she did, too.

Familiarize your child with babies in general. Show her photos of herself as a baby, and tell her what she was like (be sure to include some stories that will show her how much she’s grown up since then). If possible, take her to a hospital nursery to look at the newborns (so she will know they aren’t as cute as older babies). If you have friends with small babies, arrange for the two of you to spend some time with them. Point out babies every-where—in supermarkets, in the park, in picture books. So that she’ll be prepared for reality, explain that babies do very little besides eat, sleep, and cry (which they do a lot of), and that they don’t make good playmates for quite a while. If you’re planning to nurse, explain that baby will drink milk from mommy’s breasts (just as she did, if she did), and if you have a friend who is nursing, arrange a casual visit at feeding time. A picture book that gives the lowdown on new babies can also help.

Play up the perks of being a big sister and of being big in general. The more appealing you make the role of big sibling sound, the more she’ll look forward to taking it on. Explain all the things that the baby won’t know how to do that she’ll eventually help teach her. Make a list together of all the things that babies are too young to do that big kids can, like swing on the swings, play with friends, and eat ice cream.

In trying to prepare your child, don’t raise issues that may never materialize. For instance, don’t tell her, “Don’t worry, we’ll love you just as much as the new baby,” or “We’ll still have plenty of time for you.” These kinds of comments can bring up concerns that she might not even have thought of yet about how well she’ll be able to compete with her new sibling for your love and attention.

If you’re planning to have your older child vacate a crib for her expected sibling, do it several months in advance of your due date. If she’s not ready for a bed, buy her another crib—preferably one that can convert to a junior bed. (Or let her stay put and buy or borrow a crib for the new arrival.) If you’ll be moving her to a different room, do this, too, well in advance, and have her help with the decor and furnishings. Put the emphasis on her graduating to a new bed or new room because she is growing up, rather than on her being displaced from the old by the baby.

If you have a car and your older child has been sitting in the middle backseat, move her car seat to a side backseat now; if she’s big enough (see page 59), put her in a belt-positioning booster. Put a doll in a rear-facing infant seat in the middle seat for a few weeks before baby’s due to accustom her to a travel companion.

Try out names you’re considering on your child, involving her in the selection process. Helping to name the baby will help make her feel closer to him or her. (Of course, it probably wouldn’t be smart to give your preschooler complete creative control over the process. You’ll have to make the final determination, unless you want your second child named Big Bird or Tinky-Winky.)

If there’s a sibling class available in your neighborhood—some hospitals offer them—enroll your child. It’s important for her to know that there are other children in the same spot that she’s in—about to become a big brother or sister to a new sibling.

READ ALL ABOUT IT

To a young child who’s about to become a big brother or sister, a picture book is sometimes worth a thousand parental explanations. Look for books (such as What to Expect When Mommy’s Having a Baby and What to Expect When the New Baby Comes Home) that are geared to your older child’s level, and that will paint a realistic (but age-appropriate) picture of what pregnancy’s all about—and what life with a newborn will be like.

As your due date draws near, get your child used to the idea that you’ll be spending some time at the hospital or birthing center when the baby arrives. Have her help you pack your suitcase and encourage her to add something of hers that she would like you to take along to keep you company—a teddy bear, a picture of her, or a picture she’s drawn, for instance. Be sure that whoever is going to be caring for her is fully familiar with her routines, so there won’t be any break from them at this sensitive time. Tell her in advance who will be staying with her (daddy, grandma, grandpa, another familiar relative, a regular sitter, or a close family friend), and assure her you will come home in a few days. If the hospital permits sibling visits (most do), tell her when she will be able to visit you and the baby. Whether she will be able to visit or not, a prebirth tour of the hospital, if one can be arranged, will make her feel more comfortable about your being away.

Don’t suddenly shower her with gifts or special outings in the weeks before delivery. Instead of making her feel more secure about your love, such unaccustomed overindulgence may well give your child the sense that something terrible is about to happen, and that you’re trying to soften the blow. It may also give her the idea that baby’s impending arrival is bestowing her with valuable bartering power and lead her to attempt to trade good behavior for presents and favors in the future. Buy just a couple of small but thoughtful gifts to give her after the baby arrives—perhaps one to give at the hospital and one for when you get home, for her being such a big help while mommy was away. For a fairly young child, a lifelike plastic newborn doll is often a good gift. Later on she can bathe, “nurse,” or diaper her baby doll while you care for the real thing. Shop with her for (and let her wrap) a small gift for the baby “from her” that she can bring to the hospital on the occasion of their first meeting.

In your efforts to prepare your first child for the birth of your second, don’t overdo it. Don’t let your pregnancy and the expected family addition become the primary focus of your household or the dominant topic of conversation. Remember that there are, and should be, other concerns and interests in your preschooler’s life—and that they deserve your attention, too.

SIBLINGS AT THE BIRTH

“We’re delivering our second baby at a birthing center, and we have the option of having our four-year-old son attend the birth. Should we have him there during delivery?”

Everybody’s getting into the act—or, at least, the birthing room—these days. Mothers and fathers are often joined by a host of significant others as they bring a new family member into the world, including their own parents, uncles- and aunts-to-be, close friends, and, sometimes, their older children. Always an option at home births and birthing centers, these family-centered deliveries are also being offered in more traditional hospital settings.

But as with most birthing options (at least, those that aren’t dictated by medical practice), the decision of whether or not to include your son in the celebration of his sibling’s birth is entirely up to you. In making that decision, you’ll need to consider your own gut feelings (after all, no one knows your child and what your child can handle as well as you do), as well as the pros and cons presented by experts and parents in both camps. Some experts and parents who’ve opted to have siblings present at the birth cite numerous benefits, from less rivalry and better attachment between siblings (since the older child is involved from the moment his sister or brother arrives) to less potential for trauma for the firstborn (since he’s not deserted while mom and dad go off to pick up his “replacement”). Other experts and parents believe there are drawbacks, some of them significant, to inviting a sibling to attend the birth—including the fact that the laboring mother may feel uncomfortable, distracted, or inhibited by her older child’s presence (she may want to cry out or grunt and may feel hesitant to do so in front of him). If she does end up making noises or faces that aren’t familiar to the older child he may be unsettled by them, or he even may be afraid that his mother is in some kind of danger. They also express concern that if an emergency cesarean becomes necessary or something is significantly wrong with the newborn, the resultant frantic flurry of activity might be truly frightening to the older sibling, particularly if he’s very young. Another factor to consider is your child’s feelings. If your son has expressed great interest in your pregnancy and has been an eager participant at prenatal visits, he may be a good candidate for the birthing room. If he has seemed blasé or ambivalent (or even antipathetic) about the proceedings so far, he’s probably better off sitting it (or sleeping it) out with a favorite grandparent or baby-sitter.

If you’re leaning toward having your son attend his sibling’s birth (you can change your mind right up to delivery, of course), there are several steps you can take ahead of time to help ensure a positive experience for everyone:

Prepare. While the two of you may know what to expect at labor and delivery (having been through it before), your son will have a lot to learn. And what he doesn’t know can frighten him unnecessarily. Explain that birthing a baby is hard work, and that mommy may make lots of strange noises, such as grunts, moans, even screams, while she’s trying to help the baby come out, and some even stranger faces. Prepare him by demonstrating the noises and faces you may be making (you can even make a game out of the demonstration by having him mimic you). Tell him how the birth will probably take place (in the water, on the bed, while squatting), and explain that there will be some blood (which helps the baby grow, and is normal and nothing to worry about). You might also consider watching videos or DVDs of births together and signing him up for a sibling class that discusses labor and delivery. Both of these will not only prepare him, but give him a chance to find out precisely what he’s in for, and allow him to back out if he ultimately feels uncomfortable with the idea of attending the birth.

Allow for flexibility and choice. While your attendance at the birth is compulsory, keep in mind that your child is a volunteer participant. He should feel free to come and go as he pleases (which is why there should be child care on-site; see below), as well as to change his mind at the last minute if he’d rather look at picture books in the waiting room. Don’t pressure him to stay, or make him feel guilty if he opts out of the main event. Remember, too, that even the most enthusiastic older sibling doesn’t have the attention span or the physical stamina to endure a marathon labor and delivery. If labor begins in the middle of the night and birth is not imminent, let him get some sleep until you’re further along (an overtired sibling will not be a cheerful one).

Provide diversions and sustenance. The two of you may have nothing on your minds but birthing that baby—but your older child should and will. Bring along a supply of books, toys, and other diversions to keep your youngest birth attendant occupied. And because a hungry birth attendant is a cranky one, don’t forget to pack a stash of snacks, too.

Bring along child care. Sign up someone whom your child is comfortable with—a grandparent, aunt or uncle, close family friend, or trusted baby-sitter—to be in charge of his care while you’re in labor. The appointed person should not double as a labor companion (your child’s care should be his or her only responsibility) and should be ready to miss the birth if your child backs out at the last minute.

Build in sibling bonding. Be sure to include your older child in those first few moments of postbirth bonding.

If you decide against having your child present at his sibling’s birth—or if he decides to opt out—another possibility is to welcome him into the birthing room to greet his new brother or sister immediately after the actual birth. If that’s not possible or practical (or you end up delivering while he’s asleep, for instance), remember that bonding with his sibling can begin later on when he visits you at the birthing center or when you bring the new baby home.

SEPARATION AND HOSPITAL VISITS

“Will visiting me in the hospital make my older child miss me more than if she doesn’t see me at all?”

Actually, quite the opposite is true. Being out of your child’s sight doesn’t mean you’ll be out of her mind. Seeing you at the hospital will assure her that you’re all right, that you haven’t gone off and left her for another child, and that she’s still important in your life.

Consider also that it’s not just you she’ll get to see when she visits the hospital. She’ll also be allowed to see, touch, and “hold” her new baby brother or sister, which will give her a sense of reality about this new sibling (who to this point has been a pretty abstract concept). It will also help make her feel included in the new-baby excitement.

Not to say that there won’t be some hesitancy when she comes and, possibly, some tears when she leaves. To make the hospital visits—and the separation—go more smoothly:

Be sure your child is prepared in advance for the visit. She should know how long she’s going to stay, and that she’s going to have to return home without you and the baby. Tell her if regulations will limit her to seeing the baby through the nursery window (such as if the baby’s in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).

Be sure you’re prepared for your child’s visit. If you’re expecting her to rush headlong into your arms and fall in love at first sight with her new sibling, you may be disappointed. It’s very possible that she’ll give either you or the baby or both of you the cold shoulder, that she’ll seem tentative or out of sorts, and that she’ll burst into angry or sorrowful tears upon departure. Such negative or neutral reactions are common, are not a cause for concern, and are—believe it or not—better for her than no visit at all. Keep your expectations realistic, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised if all goes smoothly—and won’t be unduly upset if it doesn’t.

If you leave for the hospital in the middle of the night, or when your older child is in school or otherwise away from home, leave her a note that can be read to her when she wakes up or returns. Tell her that “our” baby is ready to come out, that you love her, and that you’ll see her or speak to her soon. If it’s practical (a relative or baby-sitter can come along to stay with her) and possible (the hospital allows it), take her along to the hospital to await baby’s arrival. Have a bag for her, as you do for yourself. It should include a change of clothing, diapers (if she wears them), playthings, and snacks you know she will enjoy. If labor is lengthy (it is less likely to be the second time around) and you are confined to the birthing room, have daddy come out and deliver regular bulletins, possibly even have lunch with her in the cafeteria (if there’s enough time). Of course, if her bedtime comes up before the baby comes out, you will probably want to have her taken home so she can sleep in her own bed. If she is still around when the baby arrives, try to arrange for her to visit—at least with you, and possibly with her new sibling.

Take a picture of your older child along to the hospital and place it on your bedstand, so she’ll know that you’ve been thinking of her when she comes to visit.

If it’s possible, have whoever is bringing your child to visit you stop at a store on the way so that she can buy you and her new sibling small presents. Exchanging gifts (this is the time to give her that little something you picked up for her before delivery) will help break the ice and make her feel important. The practice of giving a gift “from the baby” is common, but most kids see right through the ploy, and it’s not a good idea to start this relationship with a deception, however innocent.

Hold a little “birth day” party for the new enlarged family in your hospital room. Have a cake (the big sister will probably be pleased that she can have a piece and her new sibling can’t), candles (she can blow them out), and a few decorations (let her choose them).

Have the same person who brings your child to visit take her home. If daddy takes her and then stays on for an extended visit while she’s sent home with a grandparent or friend, she may feel doubly deserted.

Between visits, or if she can’t visit, keep in touch by phone (avoiding sensitive times such as right before bed, if you feel that the sound of your voice may upset her) and by writing notes that daddy can read to her. She may feel good, too, about making a drawing or two for you to display in your hospital room. Have daddy or a favorite relative take her out to dinner or on some other special outing so that it will be clear that the new baby isn’t the only person everyone is interested in these days—and make sure that conversation during the outing doesn’t center around the baby unless she wants it to.

Arrange to go home early, if you want to and can, so that your older child can begin sharing in the new-baby experience sooner, and so that the separation time is reduced.

EASING THE HOMECOMING

“How can I make coming home with the baby less traumatic for my older son?”

An older sibling usually has mixed feelings when it comes to the homecoming. On the one hand, he knows that he wants his mother to come home; on the other hand, he’s not quite as sure about the baby she’s planning to bring with her. In a way he’s pumped about having a new baby in the house—it’s exciting and different, and if he’s old enough, something to boast to his friends about. But at the same time, he’s probably at least a little nervous when he contemplates that great unknown—just how his life is going to change once that baby’s carried through his front door and deposited in what used to be his crib.

How you handle the homecoming will influence, at least initially, whether your child’s greatest expectations or worst fears about the new baby are realized. Here’s how to accentuate the positive and minimize the negative:

Consider letting your child come home with you. Being a part of the homecoming team, rather than waiting at home, will help him feel less threatened by baby’s arrival. It will also increase his sense of excitement, as well as his sense of “ownership.” So, if possible (and this will work only if a relative or other familiar adult is along, so daddy can be free to take care of paperwork and carry the suitcase and bags of gifts), have him come to the hospital with daddy to take you and the new baby home.

If he can’t join you at the hospital, have him help with preparations for the baby’s arrival at home. While daddy goes to pick you up, a relative or friend can help him lay out diapers and cotton balls, make signs or other decorations, bake cookies or other treats, and otherwise set the scene for a festive homecoming. Try to come into the house first (perhaps daddy can wait in the car with the baby) so that you can greet your older child privately for just a few minutes.

Start right off using the baby’s name, rather than always referring to the new sibling as “the baby.” This will give your older child a sense that this baby is really a person, not just an object.

Limit visitors for the first few days at home—for your own health and sanity, and for your older child’s sake. Even the most well-meaning of visitors tend to go on endlessly about a new baby, all but ignoring the older child. Those visitors you can’t deny immediate access to (such as grandparents, aunts and uncles, and close friends) should be briefed in advance not to be overly and obviously effusive toward the baby, and to give plenty of attention to the older sibling. You can also suggest that visitors come when he’s in school or after he’s gone to bed. Limiting visitors for the first week or so has other benefits—more time for you to regain your strength and more opportunity for the bonding of your expanding family.

Focus a lot of your attention on your older child, particularly in the early days, when the baby will probably be sleeping or feeding a good deal of the time. Hang his drawings on the refrigerator, applaud toileting if he’s new on the potty, tell him how proud you are about his being such a good big brother, sit down and read stories to him whenever you can (nursing sessions are a perfect time for this), be quick with praise and slow with anger. Be wary of worshiping at the new baby’s crib (“Oh, look at those tiny fingers!” or “Isn’t she beautiful!” or “See, she’s smiling!”), which could leave your son feeling very much like yesterday’s news. But don’t go to the other extreme, either, consciously avoiding showing affection for the new baby in front of your older child. Such tactics can confuse or worry him (“I thought we were supposed to love this baby. Is it possible my parents will soon stop loving me, too?”) or lead him to jump to anxiety-provoking conclusions (“They’re pretending not to like the baby so I won’t know that they really like her more than me”). Instead, relate baby talk to him: “Look at those tiny fingers; do you believe yours were once so small?” or “Isn’t she beautiful? I think she looks just like you,” or “See, she’s smiling at you; I think she loves you already.”

Some wise visitors remember to bring a small gift for the older child; but should several days pass and truck-loads of baby gifts come in with nothing for the older sibling, have grandma or daddy bring home something special just for him. If the influx of gifts really seems excessive, put away those that don’t come to his attention. Eventually, those cards and gifts will stop coming.

If your older child decides he wants to stay home from nursery school for a few days, let him. This will assure him that you aren’t pushing him out of the house so you can enjoy the baby without him, while giving him an opportunity to bond with (and adjust to) the baby. Decide in advance just how long his “vacation” will be, so that he doesn’t get the idea that he can stay home permanently. Don’t, however, force your child to stay home if he would rather go to school. He may feel the need to be in a place where there is no new baby and where there are other centers of interest.

Of course, if your older child is in grade school, missing a few days of school might not be an option (or, at least, not one his teacher would appreciate). In that case, find ways to remind him that he’s special, too. Pack an I-love-you note in his lunch box, plan an after-school activity or snack for him that makes him feel especially welcome at home.

RESENTMENT

“My toddler is openly resentful of the new baby. She tells me she wants him to go back to the hospital.”

You obviously can’t carry out your child’s wishes, but you can—and should—let her express them. Though her feelings may seem very negative, the fact that she is able to vent them is actually very positive. Every older sibling feels a certain measure of resentment toward the new intruder (or to her parents for bringing the intruder in). Some just express it more openly than others. Instead of implying to your older child that she’s bad to feel that way (“Oh, that’s a terrible thing to say about the baby!”), try a little empathy. Tell her that you understand that it isn’t always fun to have a new baby in the house—for her or you. Let her talk out her resentment if she needs to. Share some stories about her when she was a new baby, so that she’ll begin to see that there’s some hope for the baby, too (once the baby gets bigger, he won’t need to be held so much; once he learns to communicate in other ways, he won’t cry so much; once he gets more grown up, he’ll be able to do some things for himself). Then, instead of dwelling on the subject, move on quickly to an activity that’s focused on her (“How about if we bundle the baby up and go to the playground together?”).

Some children don’t feel free to express negative feelings toward a new baby, and it’s a good idea to encourage them to talk about how they feel. One way to do that is to confide your own mixed feelings: “I love the baby, but sometimes I hate having to get up in the middle of the night to feed him,” or “Boy, with our new baby I hardly ever have a free moment for myself.” Another is to tell and/or read stories about older siblings with mixed feelings about new arrivals. If you are an older sibling yourself, you can talk about how you felt when a new baby came to your house.

“My son shows no hostility toward his new sister. But he’s been acting very moody and disagreeable with me.”

Some older siblings don’t see any point in turning on a newborn (after all, you can’t get a rise out of her no matter what you do). The next best target, one they feel they can torment with less guilt and more satisfying results, is mommy or daddy. It is, after all, mommy who’s spending hours feeding and rocking the baby, and daddy who’s always busy diapering and cuddling her—and both of them who are spending much less time focused on him than they used to. A first-born may vent his feelings toward his parents by throwing tantrums, exhibiting regressive behavior, refusing to eat, or rejecting his parents entirely and turning to someone else (a baby-sitter, for instance) as a “favorite.” This type of behavior is a common and normal component of the adjustment period.

Don’t take your son’s disagreeableness personally—and definitely don’t scold or punish him for it. For much better results, try to respond with patience, understanding, reassurance, and extra attention. Encourage your son to voice his feelings: (“I understand that you must be pretty angry because of all the time I’ve been spending with the new baby.”) And remember, this too will pass—usually within a few months.

“I was all prepared for sibling rivalry when we decided to have another baby. But throughout the pregnancy and in the four months since her brother’s arrival, my daughter hasn’t shown any jealousy or resentment. Is that healthy?”

Jealousy and resentment are common reactions when a baby arrives on the scene, but they certainly aren’t inevitable—or essential for the development of strong sibling ties. A child who seems delighted with a new sibling isn’t necessarily hiding brewing hostility, she may just be genuinely thrilled with the new addition, or honestly excited about her role as big sister. Or she may be so completely secure in your love that she’s thoroughly unthreatened by the changing family dynamics.

Which isn’t to say that she’ll never have anything but warm feelings for her baby brother. She may find some solid ground for resentment down the developmental road—once the helpless little newcomer takes to the floors as a crawler, tearing up her books, scattering her blocks on the floor, and chewing the fingers off her favorite doll (see page 744).

In the meantime, you should be sure that your older child gets at least as much time and attention as her new sibling, even if she isn’t demanding it. If you unintentionally begin to take her for granted because she’s being such a good sport about the new baby, she may start to feel neglected and, eventually, resentful. Even wheels that don’t squeak, after all, need to be oiled periodically.

And because almost every child experiences some negative feelings toward a sibling somewhere along the way, make sure she knows it’s okay to have such feelings, and give her ample opportunity to express them.

EXPLAINING GENITAL DIFFERENCES

“My three-year-old daughter is obsessed with her new brother’s penis. She wants to know what it is and why she doesn’t have one. I don’t know what to tell her.”

Try the truth. As young as your daughter is, if she’s old enough to ask questions about her body and her brother’s, she’s old enough to get some honest answers. It can be quite a shock for a little girl to see something on her baby brother that she doesn’t have (or for a little boy to note the absence of a penis on his baby sister). Realize (and make sure she knows) that her interest is not inappropriate; as little scientists, children are curious about everything in their environment, including everything on their bodies and the bodies of those around them. The simple explanation that boys (and men, like daddy) have penises and girls (and women, like mommy) have vaginas is probably all that is needed and will help your child understand one fundamental difference between males and females. Be sure to use the proper names for these body parts just as you would for the eyes, nose, or mouth, and add more information only if it’s requested. (If she asks why, for instance, you can volunteer that girls have vaginas so that when they grow up they can have babies and boys have penises so they can be fathers.) Should your child ask more indepth questions than you feel comfortable fielding, look for a book for parents that can help you with the job, and/or for one written and illustrated at your child’s level that you can read to her.

NURSING IN FRONT OF AN OLDER CHILD

“I’m planning to nurse my second baby, but I’m worried about doing it in front of my four-year-old son.”

Not to worry. There’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t nurse in front of your son. Rather than being harmful, it’s healthy for him to understand that breastfeeding is a normal, natural process—not something to be hidden or ashamed of. In fact, it’s more likely to be harmful if you go out of your way to keep your son away from you while you nurse—considering how much time is spent nursing a newborn, you’d be seeing very little of your older child. Besides baby’s naptime, there’s no more undivided time you can give your son than when you’re nursing. Almost any quiet activity, from reading a story to putting together a puzzle to playing a game of Candyland, can be pursued during feeding sessions.

If you’re uncomfortable about your older child seeing your breasts, nurse discreetly, covering up as much as you feel you need to. But don’t overreact if he does catch a glimpse or even reaches a curious hand over for a squeeze. This is a sign of normal curiosity, not of inappropriate sexual interest. Rather than reacting sharply, which could give him the idea that there’s something “bad” about the human body, react nonchalantly. Explain that your breasts are the baby’s source of nourishment now (as they were for him when he was a baby), and then divert his attention quickly to another activity.

THE OLDER CHILD WHO WANTS TO NURSE

“My 2 ½ -year-old son, watching me nurse the baby, has been saying he wants some milk, too. I thought the interest would pass if I ignored it, but it hasn’t.”

Actually, one way to cure an older sibling of the desire to nurse is to let him know that he can. (But only if the older sib is still very young; a child of four or more needs to understand that nursing is for babies.) Often, just your okay will be enough, and he won’t feel the need to pursue the issue further. If he does, consider letting him—if you’re comfortable doing so. He’ll feel that he’s being given access to this mysterious and special relationship the baby has with you. Chances are one nip is all he’ll need to make him realize that babies don’t have it so good after all. The warm, watery, unfamiliar, poor-excuse-for-milk fluid he extracts almost certainly won’t be worth the effort involved (and he may well give up before the milk ever makes it to his mouth). His feelings of curiosity satisfied, he’ll probably never ask to nurse again, and he’ll likely feel more sympathy for the baby (who’s stuck drinking that stuff when he’s guzzling apple juice and “real” milk and gobbling macaroni and cheese and peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches) than jealousy. (Of course, don’t try this approach if you’re uncomfortable with it; instead, provide other forms of attention.)

If he continues to show an interest in nursing, or if he objects to baby’s indulging, it’s probably not a breast to suck on that he’s after, but a breast (and a mommy) to snuggle up against and some of the attention he feels the baby’s always getting when nursing. Including your older child in the nursing sessions may be all that’s necessary to quell his interest in taking to the breast.

There are several simple ways to do this. Before you sit down to nurse, for example, say, “I’m going to give the baby some milk now. Would you like some juice?” or “Would you like your lunch now, while baby is eating?” Or take the quiet opportunity offered by nursing to read him a story, help him do a puzzle, or listen to music with him (an activity that’s good because you don’t have to use your hands). Be sure, too, that your first-born gets plenty of hugging and cuddling when you’re not feeding the baby.

HELPING SIBLING LIVE WITH COLIC

“Our new baby’s constant crying seems to really upset his three-year-old sister. What can I do?”

If there’s an innocent bystander in a household with a colicky newborn, it’s an older sibling. After all, she didn’t ask for this baby (and if she did, she may be regretting that request). With all the attention that’s being paid to him, she is likely feeling somewhat threatened and even replaced. And here he is making a terrible racket during what was once one of her favorite parts of the day—dinner (and probably bath and story time) with mommy and daddy. Not only is the crying unbearable for her, so is the upheaval that comes with it. Instead of being a time for eating, sharing, and quiet play, early evening turns into a time of disrupted meals, frantic pacing and rocking, and distracted, irritable parents. Worst of all, perhaps, is the helplessness she probably feels. While the adults in the house are able to at least take some action against the colic (as futile as it might be) and commiserate with each other about it, she can only sit by, powerless and miserable.

You can’t make colic easy on your older child any more than you can make it easy on yourself. But you can help her cope better, if you:

Talk it out. Explain, on your older child’s level, what colic is. Reassure her that it won’t last, that once the baby gets used to being in his new and strange world—and learns other ways of communicating—most of the crying will stop. Point out that when she was a new baby she cried a lot (even if she didn’t actually have colic). This should give her hope for her new brother, too.

Let her know it’s not her fault. Little children tend to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong in a household, from mommy and daddy’s arguing to great-grandfather’s dying to a new baby’s crying. Your older child needs to be reassured that no one is at fault here, least of all her.

Show and tell her you love her. Dealing with a colicky baby can be so distracting—especially in the context of an already busy day—that you may forget to do those special little things that show a toddler or older child you care. So make a point of doing at least one of those things (play “swimming” in the bath, bake muffins with her, help her paint a mural on an extra-large piece of paper) every day, before the colic session begins. Even during the worst of the storm, make sure you break from the pacing and rocking occasionally to give your daughter a reassuring hug.

Divide the baby, conquer the sibling rivalry. When both parents are home, try taking turns walking the floor with the baby during colic marathons, so that your older child is usually getting the attention of at least one parent. Once in a while, weather permitting, one parent can take baby out for a ride in the stroller or the car (the motion often helps subdue the colic) while the other parent spends some quality quiet time at home with your daughter. Or one of you can take your daughter out to dinner (for pizza with a side of peace and quiet) or, if it’s still light out, for an early evening excursion to the playground while the other toughs it out at home with The Screamer.

Don’t sacrifice the rituals. Routines are comforting to young children, and when they’re disrupted, it can be enormously unsettling—especially during times when life is more unsettled than usual (as when there’s a new, crying baby in the house). Do your best to make sure your daughter’s treasured rituals don’t fall victim to your baby’s colic; if bedtime has always meant a leisurely bath (complete with bubbles and splashing), a cuddlefest, and four stories, strive for a leisurely bath, cuddlefest, and four stories every night, even when colic’s in full swing. Dividing the colic duty will, hopefully, make those routines possible more often than not.

Save some time for her alone. Even if it’s only half an hour, try to find some time every day to spend with your older child without baby sibling tagging along. Snatch the time when the baby is napping (this is more important than catching up on paperwork), when your mother or a friend comes by to visit, or, if you’re able to afford it, when you have a sitter for the baby.

REGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

“Ever since her sister was born, my three-year-old daughter has started acting like a baby herself. She talks in baby jargon, wants to be picked up all the time, and even has toileting accidents.”

Even fully grown adults can’t help sometimes envying a newborn her undemanding existence (“Oh, that’s the life!” they’ll sigh as a sleeping baby is wheeled by them in a cushy carriage). It’s not surprising that a youngster, barely out of the carriage herself and just beginning to master some of the many responsibilities that come with growing up, would yearn for a return to babyhood when confronted with an infant sibling. Especially when she sees that acting like a baby works very well for her new sister, who is allowed to lie in the lap of luxurious leisure (not to mention the lap of her parent), who is carried everywhere, catered to endlessly, opens her mouth to whimper and receives precisely what she wants when she wants it (instead of receiving a sharp, “Stop that whining!”).

Rather than pressuring your older daughter to “be a big girl” at this sensitive time, baby her when she wants to be babied—even if it means caring for two “babies” at once. Give her the attention she is craving (rock her in your arms when she’s tired, carry her up the stairs once in a while, feed her when she demands it), and don’t chide her when she regresses to one-word sentences (even if it grates on your nerves), wants to take her milk from a bottle (even if she never has before), or if her toilet habits take a sudden turn for the infantile. At the same time, encourage her to act her age by making a big deal about big girl behavior, for instance, when she cleans up after herself, helps you out with the baby, or goes on the potty. Offering such praise in front of others will reinforce its benefits. Remind her that she was your first baby, and now she’s your first big girl. Take every opportunity to point out the special things that she can do that her sister can’t, such as enjoying ice cream at a birthday party, zooming down the slide at the playground, or having pizza out with mommy and daddy. Bake with her while baby is napping, enlist her help when food shopping, take her to see a movie while the baby stays with a sitter. In her own time, she will figure out for herself the perks of being the older child and will decide to leave her baby past behind.

THE OLDER SIBLING HURTING THE NEW BABY

“I left the room for a minute and was horrified when I returned to find my older son jabbing his baby sister with a toy. She wasn’t hurt this time, but it seemed as though he was trying to make her cry on purpose.”

Although such an assault would seem, on the surface, nothing more than a sadistic attempt to harm an unwanted newcomer, this isn’t usually the case. Though there may be an element of hostility involved (and this is only natural, considering the upheaval a newborn causes in an older sibling’s life), these seemingly malicious attacks are often merely innocent investigations. Your son may have been trying to make his sister cry not out of malevolence, but out of curiosity to find out how this strange little creature you’ve brought home works (just as he is constantly examining and probing everything else in his environment). The trick is to react to such a situation without overreacting. Impress upon your older child, by example and by involving him in baby care when you’re around, the importance of being gentle with the baby. When he gets rough, react calmly and rationally, avoiding angry, guilt-provoking recriminations for him (if he’s into tormenting you, he will enjoy having triggered your outburst) and hysterical protectiveness for her (which can reinforce any feelings of jealousy). Avoiding the explosive response is even more vital if the baby has actually been hurt; making an older child feel guilty about what he has done, whether it was intentional or not, can leave emotional scars and serves little positive purpose.

SEEING GREEN?

Has a little green monster invaded the nursery since the arrival of your new baby? Or are you just hoping to head off older sibling envy? All the tips in this chapter for dealing with sibling rivalry should help prevent or ease those very normal jealous feelings. It might also help to refer to the infant either by his or her name, or as “our baby” or “your baby brother (or sister)”—never as “my baby.”

Try, too, to avoid commands that make the older child feel as if his or her life revolves around the younger child: “Keep quiet—baby’s sleeping” or “You can’t sit on my lap—baby’s nursing” or “Stop poking the baby—you’ll hurt him!” You’ll get a better result by limiting “don’t” directives and rephrasing requests more positively: “Baby’s sleeping. Let’s see if we can whisper so he won’t wake up.” Or “How about sitting on this chair right next to me so we can be close together while I’m nursing?” Or “Your baby brother really loves it when you stroke him gently like this.” But remember, too, that a certain amount of jealousy is inevitable and, when you think about it, completely understandable.

But while overreacting to your older child’s aggressive behavior toward his sibling isn’t a good idea, neither is ignoring it. Let your child know calmly, empathetically, but in no uncertain terms that hitting or otherwise hurting anyone (baby or otherwise) is unacceptable. Give him alternative ways of venting his mixed (or hostile) feelings that won’t harm baby—like using words (“Baby, you make me so mad!”), punching a pillow, pounding play dough, jumping up and down, or drawing a picture.

Still, keep in mind that when it comes to an older (but still very young) sibling hurting younger, prevention is preferable to punishment. No matter how well you believe your older child has gotten the message, don’t leave the two of them unsupervised in the same room together again until your older child is of an age—probably around five years old—to understand what damage he can do. Younger children do not really have a sense of the extent of injury they can inflict with their actions, and they can inflict serious harm unintentionally.

DIVIDING TIME AND ATTENTION

“I’m wondering how I can divide myself fairly, so that both my four-year-old son and his new baby brother get the attention they need and the older child won’t be jealous.”

As much as a second you (or at least a second pair of arms) would prove helpful at this time in your life, that’s obviously not possible. Which means there will be only one of you to go around—leaving you divided at least two ways for many years to come. The question is how to make the division in a way that will be best for your preschooler as well as for his new brother.

Later on in your child-rearing years, the split will have to be pretty much equal; the amount of time you spend with one child will have to be matched fairly evenly by the amount of time you spend with the other (just as every apple or slab of cake will have to be divided precisely to satisfy both children). Now, however, a little lopsidedness in favor of your older child is not only acceptable, it’s best. Consider, first, that your older child is used to being an only child who never had to share your attention before. Your baby, on the other hand, is happily unaware of who’s getting more of you and will be basically content as long as his needs are being met. Keep in mind, too, that unlike your firstborn, who came home from the hospital to a relatively quiet home, your new baby has been born into a very active household, with plenty of parent-children interaction to keep his senses occupied and stimulated. If he sits on your lap while you’re building a block city or fitting together puzzle pieces with your older son, or nestles in a baby carrier while you push your older son’s swing, he’s receiving as much stimulation as if you were playing with him directly. Finally, remember that there’s another care provider in your home now—your older son—who will be giving lively attention to your baby.

WIDELY SPACED SIBS

Not all siblings come two or three years apart. Thanks to second marriages, secondary infertility (difficulty getting pregnant a second time), a renewed need to fill an almost-empty nest, and good old-fashioned “surprises,” many brand-new older brothers and sisters are actually much older—six, eight, or even ten or more years older.

Waiting many years for a second round of the baby game offers several advantages. For one, older children usually make excellent baby-tenders. While a three-year-old can’t be trusted to hold a newborn unsupervised for even a moment, an eight- or nine-year-old can watch a sibling while mom takes a shower or dad finishes the dishes. A teenage sib can even serve as an occasional baby-sitter (if he or she can be persuaded to give up an evening out with friends). Since older children already have a life of their own beyond their home and their parents, they’re less likely to be threatened by the baby invasion than a toddler or preschooler would be (and less likely to miss lap time). And because they’re in school or activities much of the day, there’s more opportunity for parents to focus—uninterrupted—on the new arrival, and less of that tugged-in-two-directions feeling.

Of course, sibs of all age differences can and do experience rivalry and their share of transition issues when a new baby arrives. (In fact, for those who have enjoyed onlyheir status for a decade or more, the transition may be even tougher, though ultimately, the revelation that family life doesn’t revolve around him or her may come as a beneficial, if not initially welcome, wakeup call.) And the challenges faced by these widely spaced sibs—and their parents—are much different from those faced by those who are close in age. For instance, older children may not resent the loss of mom’s lap, but they may resent that she can’t always show up for after-school games or activities because baby has to nap. A preteen may be proud of the new family addition—or decidedly embarrassed (it’s proof that his parents had … sex!) Logistics of everything—from where to eat (you may be exiled to “family” restaurants long after the older offspring have graduated to white-napkin establishments) to what music to listen to in the car (the latest hip-hop single, or yet another chorus of Barney’s “I Love You”) to what movies to go to (action thrillers or mousecapades) to which vacation spots to head for (white water river adventures or Disney cruise)—may be complicated by the age spread. Then, of course, there are the late nights on two very different fronts: How do you stay up waiting for your teen’s key to turn in the door when you know you’ll have to be up again in an hour for baby’s next feeding?

To help your older child or children adjust to life with a new baby:

Don’t forget to prepare. Just because your firstborn is older and wiser doesn’t mean he or she knows anything about newborns. A little Baby 101—in the form of books geared to your child’s reading level, visits with friends’ babies, a walk down memory lane through his or her own baby book—will help paint a realistic picture of what infants are really like.

Pay attention. The signs that your older child is craving a little mom or dad time may be less obvious than they would be in a toddler or preschooler. But just because your firstborn doesn’t cry for it, doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t need it. In fact, with the stresses of school, peer pressures, and growing up weighing heavy, your older child may need your attention more than ever (even as he or she is least likely to admit it). Make time for just the two or three of you—away from the baby. Hire a sitter and take your first-born out to a grownup dinner and a movie, an afternoon at an amusement park or mall, a few rounds of miniature golf.

Avoid turning your older child into a miniparent. Occasionally asking your old-enough firstborn to watch the baby while you run to the store or the post office is fair. Asking him or her to spend every Saturday night at home sitting for a baby sibling is not. Baby-sitting shouldn’t be an obligation that comes with the territory of being a much older child. If you often want to enlist his or her services for the evening, you should ask (not demand), and pay the going rate.

Let your children act their age. Even a teenager is still a child and has every right to act like one. So keep expectations realistic.

There are a couple of ways to make double duty doable, while preventing excessive jealousy (you probably won’t be able to prevent it all). First, you can share your attention with your older child without cutting into your time with the younger by taking care of the needs of both at once (for instance, reading a book to your son while nursing or bottle-feeding his brother). Second, you can appoint your firstborn your chief assistant. He can fetch diapers for the baby when he’s wet, sing and dance for the baby when he’s cranky, and help you fold and put away the baby’s laundry—matching those little socks is a chore for you, but a challenge and a learning experience for a child. You can also enlist your older child in such “big boy” chores as dusting, opening vegetable packages, or setting the table. Even when his help isn’t all that helpful, acknowledging his efforts (“What a big helper you are!”) will make him feel like a valued member of the family—and, especially, of the mommy and daddy team. Feeling useful—and a part of your team—will help keep him from feeling neglected.

But the older sibling needs more than shared time; he also needs an unbroken span of time alone with you every day—more so than your newborn does. Baby’s nap time is ideal. So is any time when both parents are home, and baby care can be shared. (Keep in mind that your older child will appreciate time alone with each of you, so switching off with baby makes sense.)

Of course, it isn’t always possible to put your older child’s needs first, or to give him more than his fair share of attention. Nor is it a good idea, even while the baby’s too young to notice or care. Sharing you with the baby is a part of life with a sibling that your older child will have to learn to accept—and the sooner he learns to accept it, the less rivalry you’ll ultimately have to deal with. There will be times—plenty of times—when he’ll have to wait while you finish a feeding or a diaper change. It will be easier for him if you continue to remind him of the benefits of being the older child and if you praise him for his independence (when he does something for himself or plays on his own) and his patience (when he waits for your attention without whining). It’ll also help if you sometimes turn the tables. So once in a while, say to the baby (even if your child may have doubts about baby’s comprehension), “You’re going to have to wait a minute for your diaper change because I have to give your brother his snack,” or “I can’t pick you up now because I have to tuck your big brother in.”

SIBLING ATTACHMENT

“I wonder how I can help my older child to feel more connected to his new baby brother.”

Mothers and fathers, who spend many hours a day caring for their newborns, have built-in opportunities for bonding with them. And there’s no good reason why siblings can’t do the same. With close adult supervision, even the youngest of older siblings can share in baby’s care and begin to feel a sense of attachment to the baby—and an easing of postpartum jealousy. Depending on the age of the older child, he can participate in a variety of ways, including the following:

Diapering. A school-age child can actually change a wet diaper with mom or dad standing nearby. A toddler can help by fetching a clean one, handing over a diaper wipe, patting down the Velcro or tabs or by entertaining the wriggling baby during the process.

Feeding. If your baby is bottle-fed, or takes a bottle occasionally, even a fairly young child can hold it for him. If your baby is on the breast exclusively, your older child can’t actually do the feeding, but he can snuggle next to you with a book while you nurse his sibling. Or he can sing to his baby brother while he feeds.

Burping. Even a toddler can gently pat baby’s back to bring on an after-meal burp—and he’s likely to delight in the results.

Bathing. Bath time can be a fun time for the whole family. An older sibling can pass the soap, washcloth, or towel, pour rinse water (temperature-tested by an adult) over baby’s body (but not head), and entertain baby with his own bath toys or with singing. But don’t let a sibling under twelve be baby’s only chaperone at bath time—not even for a moment.

Baby-sitting. While an older sibling can’t take total responsibility for a younger one until he’s a teen (never allow a preschooler to mind a baby alone for even a minute), he can be dubbed “baby-sitter” when you’re close by. Babies find no one quite as amusing as their older siblings, and finding that they have the ability to entertain baby is ego-boosting to senior sibs.

ESCALATING WARFARE

“My daughter was very loving toward her little brother from the time he was born. But now that he’s crawling and able to get into her toys, she’s suddenly turned on him.”

For many older siblings, a newborn doesn’t pose much of a threat. He’s helpless, basically immobile, incapable of grabbing away books or breaking up dolly tea parties. Give him several months to develop reaching, crawling, cruising, and other motor skills, and the picture takes a turn from the idyllic. Even older children who have been loving (at least most of the time) to a younger sibling up to this point may suddenly begin to display hostility. And you can hardly blame them—a miniature barbarian has just invaded their turf. Their crayon boxes have been looted, their books violated, their dolls plundered.

To defend her turf, an older sibling (tension is usually greatest if the age difference between the two siblings is three years or less) often begins screaming at, hitting, pushing, and knocking down the baby. Sometimes there is a mix of affection and aggression in the actions: What begins as a hug ends up with baby on the floor crying. The action often accurately reflects the child’s conflicting inner feelings. As the parent, you have to walk a narrow tightrope in such a situation, protecting the younger sibling without punishing the older. Though you should make it clear to your older child that it’s not permissible to hurt her younger brother intentionally, you should also make it clear that you understand and empathize with her plight and her frustrations. Try to give her the chance to play without him around part of the time (while he naps, is in the play yard or ExerSaucer, or is otherwise occupied). Particularly when she has guests over, respect her privacy and property and be sure that her younger sibling does, too (by removing the baby whenever necessary). Spend some extra time with her, and intervene on her behalf whenever the baby takes away or tries to destroy her belongings, instead of always urging her to “let him, he’s only a baby.” But do give her plenty of praise on occasions when she comes to this mature realization on her own.

Fairly soon, the tables will turn. Little brother, tired of being pushed around and strong enough to do some intentional pushing (and hair pulling and biting) of his own, will start fighting back. This usually occurs near the end of the first year, and is followed by a couple of years or more of mixed feelings between siblings—a confusing combination of love and hate. You can expect these years, when you’ll often feel more like a referee than a parent, to be a constant challenge to your patience and your ingenuity—as well as a joy.