Israeli Personal Ads

Actual personal ads which appeared in Israeli newspapers (taken from the Internet).

 

 

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B’Teves, Shiva Asar Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the “fast” lane.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles. Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks nonsmoker.

I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?

I get too hungry for Diva at 8. I love The Phantom and never come late. Won’t dish the dirt ’cause it’s housework I hate. That’s why the lady is a JAP.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Eh, shalom aleichem. So maybe you want to meet me, although all right, you probably don’t. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe epess you’ll write me, but if not, it’s okay, I understand.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows?

Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).

80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?

Agnostic dyslexic insomniac male, seeks similar female to stay up all night to discuss whether or not there really is a Dog.

All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents house.

Boychik seeking girlchik.

Tumtumchik seeking androgynuschik.

Businessman, 51, manufactures Jewish novelty items: chai chairs, chai-fi stereos, chaiball glasses, chai jump equipment. Seeks woman with chai standards.

Classy carrot seeking sugar daddy to make tzimmes together. Prunes need not apply.

Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah.

Desperately seeking shmoozingl Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.

Divorced? Looking for someone to play with? Sign on with us, the New York Gets. Games all season. Switch hitters welcome.

I enjoy long walks, candlelight dinners, sailing, travel to Europe, and I think this ad should be in New York Magazine instead. Sorry.

If I were sour cream and you were a blintze, what kind of filling would you have? Single Jewish woman, loves to cook, wants to satisfy your appetite.

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the blech. Heimishe balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes. Hurry, it’s getting cold.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus.

Jewish man, watches TV on Friday night with time clock, eats fish at nonkosher restaurants, doesn’t wear yarmulke at work. Modern Orthodox.

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties.

Looking for a great husband? “Mr. Dependable,” always there for you. A faithful companion at all times. Your salvation in any emergency. No Saturday or holiday calls, please.

Mama’s boy from Brooklyn, seeks wife willing to suffer abuse from my mommy.

Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let’s play “Hide the Afikomen.”

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup, Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup.

Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to save money by spending yours.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.

Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s’firah. Seeking wife.

What’s a menorah without its shammes? Available Jewish woman, 37, seeks man to light her fire.

Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Yeshiva graduate, 38, handsum, earring, sinsere. Wood make gud huzband. Seeks frum girl with publick schul background to help me with my speling.

Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni.