CHAPTER IV

 

The Year 1119

Glochestershire, England Early Spring

“When will you return, Thomas?” Alice asked.

Thomas smiled at his wife. She knew the answer to her question as well as he, for it was the same each year.

“I shall return when shipbuilding season ends, dear, in time for Christmas. I wish you would reconsider and come with me. The boys would love Barfleur, and the sea air would do you good.”

Alice shook her head. “You know how much I fear the sea. No. I will stay here and pray for your success and your safe return.”

“Will you not at least let me take Ralph with me then? When I was his age my greatest thrill was watching my father build his ships. The boy is old enough to begin to learn the craft.”

“Ralph is the future Earl of Glochester. I shall not risk his life, nor shall I risk the life of baby Stephen on the sea so that you can indulge your hobby, Thomas.”

Thomas felt the color rise to his cheeks. “That hobby, as you call it, Alice, is what secured our lands and holdings in the first place and made my father’s fortune. If not for my hobby as you call it, you would not be the wife of a nobleman.”

Alice turned away. She had closed her ears to him as well as her mind. Thomas was accustomed to her shutting him out.

When Thomas took Alice as his bride they had both been young and innocent. They had played at being man and wife the way children play house. They had discovered one another clumsily and shyly in the blushing days and nights he remembered as some of the happiest of his life.

According to the custom of the day, Thomas and Alice had been betrothed as children, not to meet until they stood next to one another before altar and priest to recite their wedding vows. So the young man had feared what fate would hold where his future wife was concerned.

Thomas’ curiosity had moved him to spy on the wedding party, and his fears evaporated when his bride rode into sight, as golden as the sun. Hiding behind a tree to watch her wedding train pass through the forest on the way to his father’s estate, he had lost his heart the moment he saw her. Alice was as delicate and ethereal as a gossamer fairy. Thomas wondered sometimes if she had come from the enchanted realms to cast love’s spell on him

Thomas watched his wife fussing over the proper folding of his clothes for the trip. The golden girl had grown too thin and hard. She had enclosed everything about her that made a woman soft behind a wall no battering ram could breach. Still, his heart beat faster when Alice came into the room, and he hungered for her love.

Thomas took his wife in his arms, but she stiffened and pulled away.

“Alice,” he sighed, “It will be nearly a year before we see one another again. Will you not give me the comfort of your love before I must go?”

Alice moved to the opposite side of the room. She smoothed her pale hair back from her pallid face.

Thomas said, “Physical love between a man and wife is a blessed thing, my dear. Lovemaking should bring pleasure and comfort.”

“I find no pleasure in acts of the flesh, Thomas.” Alice turned her back to him. He rested his hands on her shoulders, wincing when he felt her muscles tense beneath his touch.

“Alice, I love you. It is not fair to ask me to live without your love.”

She spun around, fire flashing in her eyes. “Fair? When has life ever been fair to me, husband? Oh, pray do not speak to me of what is fair.”

Thomas said, “Love can heal wounds if you allow.”

“Now who is being unfair?” she snapped. “You know I love you, Thomas. Why must I perform carnal acts, which disgust me, to prove that? Have I not been a faithful wife to you? Have I not kept a good home for you to return to when you are off building your ships? Have I not given you two sons? Would you ask me to risk my life in childbirth again?”

“I have been faithful to you, wife. An arrow through my heart would wound me less than hearing you say my lovemaking disgusts you and that you do not wish to bear me more children.”

Alice shrugged. “I cannot help how I feel.”

“Well,” he sighed, “if you will not give me your love, Alice, pray give me your companionship as my wife at least. Come with me.”

Alice glared at him.

“My mother always came to Normandy during shipbuilding season. You would love Normandy, Alice. Our lovely house in Barfleur overlooks the Bay of the Seine with all the wonderful ships and fishing boats. We could be happy there, dear, as were my parents.”

“I would be happy if you would grant my request, Thomas. I wish only to found an abbey and serve God as its abbess. Build me an abbey and free me for your own sake as well as mine.”

Thomas persisted. “Ah, dear, your heart cannot be heavy when it is springtime in Normandy. We could watch the sunsets on the Bay of the Seine, and take long walks through the deep green forests.”

“And be eaten alive by wolves?” She shuddered.

“Oh, Alice, if you came with me you would understand. You have never watched rough timber become a ship. I shall build the vessel I have dreamt of since I was a boy.”

His eyes shining, Thomas took the toy boat down from the mantle and blew the dust off its square sail. “This shall be my model for the greatest, fastest, most beautiful ship that has ever sailed the seas, a king’s ship. God Himself would be proud to sail on the vessel I shall build.”

Alice crossed herself. “I pray you will not let your prideful ambition become your downfall, Thomas. Do not flaunt arrogance in the face of God.”

Thomas laughed. “God would not begrudge me the pride I take in my skill, Alice. My father, Airard, was a great shipbuilder. He taught me well. My sire would be proud of me, so why should I not be proud of myself? There is no shame or sin in working hard and well to become the best at what one does. Yes, I am proud of what I have accomplished.”

“Take care your dream does not turn into a nightmare,” she said.

Thomas took her hands in his and would not let her pull away from him. “Your hands are so tiny in mine, so soft against my calloused fingers. The fresh sea air of Normandy would surely bring back to me the gentle girl I married. Oh, Alice darling, I beseech you one last time to come with me. The change will do you good and put lovely color in your cheeks again.”

Alice shook her head. “If you love me you will let me stay here. The thought of crossing the sea in nothing but a few pieces of wood nailed together terrifies me. No good can come from tempting nature. We are not fish. We are meant to stay on land. Truly, Thomas, I could not bear it. I have nightmares. I dream of drowning in freezing black water in the dead of night, of being sucked under to doom. I am terrified of being devoured in the jaws of sea monsters, and every time you cross the British Sea to Normandy, I fear you will meet such a fate.”

“There are no sea monsters in the British Sea, dear, and no one is a victim of fate. We make our own destiny in this world.”

Alice said, “Go and build your ships and claim your prideful fame. But when you return I pray you will free us both to find the happiness we long for. I am no good for you. I do love you, husband, but I love Jesus more, and I long to be His bride. I am naught but a failure as your wife. I will pray for your success and your safe return. And that you will come to your senses and build me my abbey. I will not take your sons from you. Only grant me this boon.”

Thomas put the toy boat in his baggage. He knew when he was beaten. “Perhaps this time apart will help you see things differently. We will talk about this when I return at Christmas time.”

She sighed. “Yes, when you return then.”

“Will you at least kiss me goodbye?”

“Forgive me, husband. I will.”

Thomas drew Alice close and kissed her passionately. Her soft curves had become hard bones, or was she so stiff in his arms that it only seemed that way? She looked relieved when the kiss was done. He buried his face in her hair and choked back a sob. His body ached for her to open up to him, blushing and giggling like when she was his bride.

“Godspeed, Thomas,” Alice said.