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Stretched Nerves
Emelia
Time. It was no friend. The long years I’d stayed with Sam, initially under the false misconception that he loved me, and then later because I didn’t think I deserved better, had taught me time existed only to taunt and jibe. It was the clock on the kitchen wall threatening me with Sam’s arrival or the flashing digital numbers I could barely make out as my head smashed into the bedroom wall. It wore the face of many cruel enemies but was never a friend.
When Laurel and I had first moved out, time’s grasp had seemed overwhelming. No longer bound by Sam’s rules and conventions, I was finally free, able to come and go as I pleased, and I hadn’t known how to deal with its enormity. Later, a new school and job helped us to settle into our routine. It was a period where time had become an ally, rather than a constant foe.
Standing on the platform waiting for Nathanial, I couldn’t decide how I felt about the disappearing minutes. I was desperate to be out of London and away from England altogether, and yet I’d have been happy to freeze our impending departure and stretch those apprehensive moments of waiting. Anything to give him the time to get there.
“How far away is he?” Laurel screwed up her bag of snacks and shoved it back into her bag. “We only have ten minutes until we need to board.”
“I don’t know where he is.” Disquiet rumbled in my belly. “But he knows our timing. He said he’d be here.”
His voice played out in my head again, repeating the vow over and over in a vain attempt to assuage my anxiety.
I’ll be on that train. I’ll be on that train.
Agitated, I ran my fingers over his paper ticket for the hundredth time since I’d purchased it. Laurel and I had bought our tickets online, yet his seemed to represent something more tangible—a journey I hadn’t dared hope for until his call.
“So, where is he?” She glanced around the platform as though he was hiding behind one of the groups of waiting travelers.
“He’ll be here.”
Concentrating on keeping my voice soft and even, I was determined not to allow my rising anxiety to spark an argument between us. Laurel was as confused as I was. We didn’t know how Nathanial had gotten my number to get in touch with us, where he’d been, or whether he’d make it on time and I concluded calling him then would only slow down his pursuit.
I had his word that he’d be on the train and the knowledge that he’d never let me down before.
It was enough.
“Are you sure you’re okay with him coming?” In truth, it was a little late to ask, but I had checked in with her before I spent the money on his ticket.
“Sure.” She shrugged. “I’m not an idiot, Mum. I know you like him.”
“I do.” Scanning the numerous entrances to the station, I willed him into being, hoping that at any moment I’d see his long limbs stride into the concourse. “But I love you, Laurel, and that means you come first.”
“I’m okay with it.” She reached for my hand as her tone turned imploring. “Just promise me one thing, Mum.”
“Of course.” Her plea tugged at my heartstrings, snatching my attention from the comings and goings of King’s Cross. “Anything, sweetheart.”
“If he turns out to be another narcissist, then we get the hell out of his life. I can’t take another ‘Sam situation’.”
“Sam situation?” I might have laughed at her description had the state of affairs she referred to not been so bloody serious. “Since when are you calling your dad Sam?” She’d referred to him that way when we’d discussed his demise, but I hadn’t expected the new noun to stick.
“Since I realized he might not be my dad.” Her eyes fluttered closed for a moment. “And I’m not sorry for that. Sam was an abusive son-of-a-bitch, but the idea that it could be Ryan Wilson who fathered me really isn’t much better.”
“I know.” For once, I didn’t query her language. “Neither of them are exactly great options. I’m sorry, love.”
“It was hardly your fault.” She inched closer and squeezed my hand. “Not after what they did to you.”
“Don’t.” I heard the emotion bubbling in my voice. “I don’t want you to think about your conception that way.”
“It doesn’t change the way you feel about me.” She smiled. “I know that. You’ve been the best, Mum. I’d have never survived without you.”
“I should have left Sam years ago.” Sniffing back my sentiment, I wiped my eyes, hardly believing we were having the conversation while standing in King’s Cross and waiting for Nathanial. But, I reasoned, her questions were bound to come up some time, and I was grateful for the chance to set the record straight. Laurel deserved that much. “I should never have put you through it.”
“You did the best you could.” Her eyes blinked with tears. “And when you had the chance, you got us out of there.”
“I did a little more than that,” I admitted, leaning forward to plant a kiss on her forehead. “But I’m not apologizing for that. I’d do it all over again to keep you safe.”
It was strange how effectively I’d buried the memories of what I’d done from my conscious mind. Fleetingly, I wondered whether I’d have ever accepted responsibility for my crime had Nathanial not presented me with the facts that day in the tiny kitchen of my rented house. I supposed I’d never know, but looking back on the night Sam had died, my recollections were still hazy.
I remembered my fear that he might turn his sexual attention to my daughter and the pain of the beating I’d taken when I’d lured him back to the bedroom, but I struggled to recall the details of his death. Flashes of the way I’d crushed the sedatives returned, like scenes from a bad movie, but I couldn’t summon the key moments to mind—the seconds where I’d held the pillow down over his face and deprived him of air—nor many of the ones that followed. My next tangible memories were at the center that had housed us in those early days.
“That’s because you’re the best.” Dropping her bag, she wrapped her arms around me. “You put me before even you.”
“That’s my job.” I wished there was a way I could make her understand. “Seeing you flourish is all I truly care about.”
We embraced in knowing silence, a stark contrast to the relentless activity taking place in the station around us. For those few serene seconds, everything else was muted, its ceaseless demands irrelevant. It didn’t matter that we’d both left friends behind, that Laurel would need to change school again and I still had to call the rental company to try and explain the mess we’d left in the house. Even thoughts of Nathanial were temporarily forgotten as we hugged.
That serenity, though, was lost as soon as another call for our train punctured our perfect moment.
“The train departing at platform nine is the ten forty-five service to Edinburgh Waverley.”
“That’s our train.” Laurel’s eyes widened as she drew away. “Where’s Nathanial?”
“I don’t know.” Dread bloomed in my stomach as I reached for my phone. I no longer had a choice. I’d have to reach him. “I’ll call him.”
She nodded, watching as I hit the button and activated my speaker. We stared at each other as the monotonous sound of the dial tone rang out from where we stood.
Come on, Nathanial. Squeezing my eyes closed for a second, I prayed silently that he’d hurry. We have to go.
“He’s not answering.” Ultimately, it was Laurel who stated the obvious.
“No.” Ending the call, I pushed my phone away, unsure what else to do or say. I’d messaged Nathanial the platform number as soon as it had become available. He knew where to find us. “We’d better head for platform nine.”
“Don’t you want to wait for him?” Laurel lowered to grab her bag. “I mean, we can always get another train.”
“We could,” I agreed. “But if he’s not answering, we don’t even know if he’s still on his way. Maybe Wilson’s men caught up with him. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he...” My voice tailed away as I tried not to imagine what might have happened.
“He won’t have changed his mind, Mum. I heard the resolve in his voice. He wants to be on that train with us.”
“And I want that too,” I admitted. “But it’s my job to prioritize your safety, Laurel, not his. We just went over that, remember?”
No part of me wanted to abandon Nathanial for the second time in a matter of days. Hell, I was on the brink of falling for the guy and could all too easily imagine my ‘happily ever after’ with him, but the point was moot. I was there to protect Laurel. It was a role that was ingrained in me, and even though there was no direct threat to her on the concourse, I couldn’t help but think the farther away from Wilson’s reach we could go, the better off we’d be. Edinburgh was the first stop, but from there, I intended to go as far north as we could while we waited for our European passports.
“You can have both, Mum.” Her smile was sad. “You deserve both.”
“Thank you.” Her words meant more than she’d ever know. “I appreciate that, Laurel, but right now, I want us to board that train.”
“But you have Nathanial’s ticket.” She pointed to the paper ticket, her frustration obvious. “He can’t get on board without us.”
She was right, I knew, but I refused to let Nathanial’s fate dictate ours. We needed to get out of London and the sooner, the better. Wilson might have given his word that we’d be left alone to live our lives, but I found it difficult to trust in his promises. I hadn’t been able to shake the idea that he might change his mind and come after Laurel. I doubted I ever would.
“He’ll be okay. He can find his way to us.” Though even as I ushered her toward the train, I wasn’t sure how exactly. “Maybe I can send him the money for another ticket. He must have a bank account and—”
“Leaving without me, are you?”
Spinning at his voice, I turned to discover Nathanial red-faced and out of breath. Leaning against the barrier, he lifted his face to meet my disbelieving eyes. He’d made it! Based on how exhausted he looked, the journey had almost finished him, but he’d achieved it. Relief flooded my system.
“Nathanial!” I wrapped my arms around him as if I needed to check he wasn’t a mirage. “Thank goodness!”
“Hey!” Untangling himself from my grip, he chuckled. “I have to breathe, you know.”
“Sorry.” Heat bloomed on my cheeks as I gave him space. “I’m just happy to see you.”
“Likewise.” His green gaze bored into me, a hundred unsaid sentiments glinting in his eyes.
“Mum was going to leave.” Laurel rolled her eyes theatrically as Nathanial shifted to embrace her. She giggled as he straightened, evidently happy to throw me to the wolves where Nathanial was concerned. “I told her to wait, but she wouldn’t listen.”
“Is that right?” Nathanial threw me a playful glare. “Happy to use and abuse me were you, Ms. Reynolds?”
“Hardly.” My lips twitched as my gaze traveled between them both—the two people I cared the most about in the world. We were all there together, finally about to start a life worth living. Part of me couldn’t believe it was real.
“This is the last call for the ten forty-five train to Edinburgh Waverley.” The announcement shook me from my contented stupor.
“It’s time to go.” Thrusting Nathanial’s ticket in his direction, I pulled out my phone and found our virtual ones. “Scotland, here we come.”