The wind flinging ice into my face woke me. I was leaning against a tree, the rough bark unfelt under my frozen cheek. I'd drifted away again.
I'd been running for a lifetime, it felt like. I kept expecting to hear that hair-raising growl behind me any moment. I expected to feel teeth ripping into me. I staggered away from the tree and pushed myself into the wind.
I walked uphill although I could barely see beyond my feet. It was snowing hard, with wind whipping it into a solid curtain around me. Day had dawned some time ago, hard to tell exactly when. The utter blackness of the stormy night changed to a dim gray.
I tripped and fell heavily in the snow. It was over a foot deep, deceptively soft looking. I was so cold it almost felt warm. My eyes drifted shut again. I could just drift away and not ever wake up. It was a peaceful way to die.
"You really want to die?"
I jerked up, staring wildly at the swirling snow. "Clark?" I whispered through cracked lips. It was his voice. I scrambled to my feet. They'd come for me. Somehow Jasyn had found me and Clark had come.
There was no one, no tracks but my own. I swallowed disappointment so thick it choked me. No one knew I was here, not even Lowell. I was alone in the snow and I was going to die.
I put one numb foot in front of the other and started trudging up the hill.
"You can do this, Dace." It was Clark again. "Just keep going. Trust yourself."
"I'm so tired," I whispered. The wind caught my words and flung them away.
I kept stumbling up the hill. Trees came and went around me, ghosts in the snow. I slogged my way through drifts up past my knees, so cold and frozen and tired I could barely keep moving.
The hill changed slope. I'd crossed over into another of the narrow gorges between ridges. I stumbled and went to my knees. My tattered skirt flared out across the snow, dark and ragged. I hugged my arms around myself, crying mindlessly.
"I love snow," Jasyn said in front of me.
I looked up wildly. She was standing just a few feet ahead of me. Her long hair was loose, floating around her shoulders like a dark waterfall. Snowflakes caught in it, white stars that sparkled. She smiled. She was beautiful with her oval face and violet eyes. She wore her favorite coat, the fur trimmed one Clark had bought her on Parrus.
"You aren't really here," I said. My voice was harsh, raw and cracked. I sank back to my knees.
"I'm here if you believe," Jasyn said. She lifted her head to the clouds, dislodging a fluttering swirl of snowflakes.
"That's more what Larella would say," I answered. Larella was a psychic healer, whatever that really meant. She'd married Jerimon.
"Are you going to just give up, Dace?" Jasyn asked.
"What difference will it make?"
"Trust me."
The wind gusted, tossing icy pellets of snow. I blinked, blinded for a moment. I wiped my face clear. Jasyn was gone.
"No," I begged the wind. I struggled to my feet. I didn't want to die alone. Even if Jasyn was only a hallucination, she was company of sorts.
I staggered along the slope, tripping over rocks and logs and barely catching myself time after time. I was too tired and frozen. I couldn't keep it up. I tripped and went down again. I stayed on all fours, panting. My breath came out in clouds of frost. A sob caught in my chest. I couldn't do this anymore. Even if the wolves that had eaten Jhon came up behind me, I couldn't have gone another step.
"Yes, you can," Darus said next to me.
I closed my eyes. I knew he wasn't there. Not really.
"You're just going to quit?" he badgered me. "You promised, Dace."
"I promised what?" I said to the wind and the snow and the frozen mountain.
I shoved myself up, reaching for strength I didn't know I had. Somehow I found enough to start walking again. I had promised Darus, my father, to give him enough of a chance to build a real relationship, someday. He wasn't going to get that chance if I died here. I'd promised and I was going to keep that promise.
The trees closed in around me. The walking got easier. They blocked the wind and most of the snow.
"You know, Dace, you really should try harder to stay out of situations like this."
I glanced to the side. It was Clark again, walking beside me, his hands in his pockets. The snow and the trees didn't seem to affect him at all.
"What's it like having a baby?" I asked him after a few staggered steps, mine not his.
"I wouldn't know," he answered. "I'm only a figment of your imagination. I only know what you know."
"And what do I know?" It came out harsh, like the cawing of a bird. I paused, leaning on a tree. My chest hurt, my breath tore in and out with the effort I made to keep moving.
"More than you think," Clark answered.
I turned to study his face, only to find myself alone again. I closed my eyes, squeezing back tears that solved nothing. He hadn't been here, not really. But some part of me found comfort in the visions. I pushed away from the tree's rough embrace and started walking again.
The way gradually got easier. I tripped less, there were fewer things in my way. It took me a while to realize I'd stumbled into a path.
"I always admired your strength," Jasyn said conversationally next to me. I glanced at her. She wore one of her swirling dresses. The snow drifted around her slender feet, untouched, unmarked. "You never give up. Ever."
"Yes, I do," I said.
She laughed, the bright remembered sound shattered the ice inside me. I gulped back a sob.
"Why the tears?" she asked.
"Because I'm going to die here, Jasyn, without seeing you again. Or your baby. Because Lowell is never going to let me go. Because I can't ever be happy."
"Now you're feeling sorry for yourself." She smiled, a teasing grin that crinkled the corners of her eyes. "You aren't going to die, Dace. And you deserve happiness."
"How can I be happy?" I shouted. My voice died. I was alone again.
I ducked my head and trudged along the snowy trail. Tayvis was dead. I might find peace someday, but never happiness, not without him.
"Yes, you will."
I stopped dead in my tracks. Not this voice. I couldn't bear it.
"Dace, look at me."
I didn't want to look. I couldn't help myself.
"Tayvis," I whimpered.
He stood in front of me wearing the outfit I'd first seen him in. Not his Patrol uniform, not the rags of a slave, he wore a vest and breeches. I'd met him on Dadilan. And nothing had been the same since. He watched me with his dark brown eyes. The snow brushed past his dark hair, not lodging in the slight curl.
"You're dead," I whispered. "I can't do this, Tayvis."
"Are you sure?" My fingers ached to trace the hint of a dimple in his chin.
"Sure I can't keep pretending I want to live without you?"
"Sure I'm dead," he corrected.
I squeezed my eyes shut against sudden pain. I couldn't hope. He was dead. Lowell had told me he was dead and Lowell wouldn't lie about that. Everything else, yes, but not that. I'd seen the pain in Lowell's eyes when he told me.
"Don't do this to me," I whispered.
"Look at me," he said.
I felt remembered warmth on my face from his hand. I sighed, leaning into his touch. But it wasn't there.
My eyes snapped open, searching frantically around me. I was alone again. It was too cruel. Even if he was just a hallucination.
I trudged up the trail, my head bowed and my shoulders sagging.
"Do you trust me?"
I stopped, turning quickly towards his voice. He stood to one side, under a tree, watching me.
"Why am I doing this to myself?" I asked the wind and the snow.
"Because," Tayvis said, leaning against the tree, "you don't really believe I'm dead."
The sudden burst of hope hurt more than all the scrapes and bruises I'd acquired.
"Don't say that," I shouted, harsh and angry. "You died on Trythia."
"And that's why you're trying so hard to die?" He stepped away from the tree. He was suddenly in his black uniform, his rank clusters gleaming at his throat. He looked intimidating.
I shook my head in mute denial. Hadn't I decided I wanted to live? Didn't I believe Jasyn and Clark and the rest of my crew were reason enough to choose living over dying?
"Then why aren't you watching your trail?" he asked.
I glanced behind me. The trees thinned at just the right point to give me a glimpse of the valley below. Shaggy four footed shapes sniffed my almost buried footprints.
I'd thought I was too tired and worn out to run anymore. I found out I was wrong. A surge of adrenaline sent me running up the faint path. The wolves were coming for me.
I didn't know where I could go to be safe. I was running blindly.
"Trust yourself." Tayvis's voice floated on the wind, thin and distant.
"How?" I gasped as I ran up the steep hillside, dodging trees and deep snowdrifts.
There was no answer except the pounding of my heart and the muffled thumping of my feet.
And then I felt it, a tingling of silver in my mind. It was a pull ahead and to my right. I followed it without questioning. Some deep instinct was awake in me.
The path I was on seemed to glow, to float on the snow. I found my feet following the strange luminescence without my guidance. I stumbled less when I trusted myself, letting my feet go where they would. If I tried to fight the compulsion, the thin tingling, I stumbled and tripped and couldn't find the path.
It had to be the Hrissia'noru guiding me. I was uneasy trusting them. What difference did it make? None. They were the only hope I had left.
The wolves behind me gave voice to a single howling chorus. They were coming. The howling ended abruptly with a single yelping cry. I knew they were still after me, on my trail. I felt them in my mind, a darkness that threatened the silvery tingling light that pulled me up the mountain.
The others were with me, the ghosts from my mind. I had no breath or attention to spare for them. I ran, pouring everything I had into the race.
And through it all was the painful hope that maybe Lowell had been wrong. That maybe Tayvis was alive. And maybe I was fooling myself.
Two tall pillars of pinkish gray stone loomed out of the falling snow. I barely registered their existence before I was out in a meadow, running heavily. I couldn't go much farther.
The silver tugging in my mind grew stronger. I veered to one side, letting it guide my feet. Spots of light danced in front of my eyes, I couldn't see. Each breath tore in and out, aching and painful.
I tripped over a fallen tree and went down, sprawling in the snow. I could almost feel the wolves breathing on my feet. I scrambled up and ran on, ignoring the red stains I left in the snow from my hands and knees.
I staggered into a clearing. Trees ringed it, tall and dark and impassive. The silver tingling ended abruptly. I stumbled to a halt. There was nothing in the clearing, no help, no shelter, no sanctuary. I turned slowly, defeated.
The wolves waited, their eyes glittering in the gloom of the underbrush. Their growling crawled over me, a grating animal sound that made my teeth clench. I backed slowly into the clearing.
They came after me, bellies low to the ground as they slunk free of the bushes. They were mostly gray, long ruffs of fur ringing their necks. Black fur, longer and thicker, ran in a ridge down their spines, ending in a plume of a tail. They crept closer as I backed away. I wasn't afraid anymore. I wasn't much of anything, except cold.
The wolves had cream underbellies, spotted with darker cream. Their ears were large, triangular, and very expressive. I watched one of the larger ones flick its ear at another. The smaller one backed off, teeth bared in a silent snarl. Their eyes were pale green, larger than I expected, and much more intelligent.
One large wolf, a darker gray than the others, slid to the side, creeping closer to me. I changed direction, backing away at an angle. Others moved in, sliding along to the side. They were sinuous, silent on their padded paws. They twisted between each other, shifting and changing position constantly.
They hadn't charged me yet. I hadn't seen the snapping attacks they'd launched on Jhon. They just kept creeping closer, bellies low and ears twitching.
I reached the far side of the clearing before I realized they were herding me. They were working together, pushing me a certain direction. Why? I wasn't in any shape to put up a fight if they attacked me.
I stumbled back another step. My hand went out to the side as I tripped. I brushed something hard and metallic. I glanced away from the wolves. There was a ship buried in the trees. I stared at it, forgetting the wolves. I was too exhausted to deal with more than one thing at a time. The ship behind me looked as if it had been there a very long time. The trees crowded it, vines that were dead and brown draped over most of it. Drifts of soil slowly buried it.
The lead wolf growled, low and rumbling. The sound jerked me back to my predicament.
The wolves slunk closer, bellies still low. The fur on their necks was raised. I reached behind me with one hand. I had one chance to escape, maybe.
My fumbling hand found a control pad. I whirled around and laid my hand flat on the sensor that should open the door.
I heard the wolves closing on me. The ship's sensor warmed, glowing a faint green. I glanced over my shoulder. The wolves were only three feet away, their eyes glowing in the faint daylight. The leader flattened her ears, growling louder.
The door opened with a grating rumble. I stumbled through the hatch before it was more than a quarter open. I had only a moment to slap the controls to close it again as I fell into a quiet darkness.
I heard a wolf thump against the hull of the ship. I shuddered and hoped the ship would hold.
Fatigue washed over me, a sudden wave of exhaustion and hunger and pain. I shivered as the warmth inside the ship slowly thawed me out.
I had no more energy. I curled up where I was and let my eyes close. I was safe enough for the moment.