Morning sun was streaming through the window when I finally woke again. I was fuzzy, my head clouded and strange. I dreamed of people talking in strange languages and silver light outlining every shining movement they made. I'd dreamed of Mart. I woke with his name on my lips, his face in my mind. I remembered the touch of his mind in mine and wondered why I should dream of him now.
I rolled over, staring at the light pooling on the floor. I looked muzzily around the room.
Paltronis was not there. Her bed looked the same as yesterday. I stirred uneasily. She should have been back long before.
I tried to sit but had to clutch the edge of the bed with both hands until the room quit spinning. I would have just gone back to sleep except I was on edge, worried about Paltronis.
I managed to stand and fumble my way to the window. The sun was halfway up the sky. It was much later than I had thought at first. Clouds rolled in from the south. The wind had a cold edge to it. Winter was not done with Milaga yet. I rolled my head against the glass, looking down.
The courtyard was deserted. There was no sign of Rian. Or any of her people.
I fought a sudden panic. I had an unreasonable fear that everyone had left during the night and I was alone on Tivor. That was impossible, but some corner of my mind insisted it was true.
I hurried across the floor, stumbling even though it was smooth. My legs didn't seem to be working right. Nothing was working quite right. I fumbled with the doorknob. I couldn't figure out how to make my hands turn it. I had to use both hands and focus before I managed to twist it far enough to open the door.
The two guards in the hall turned to me as the door swung open.
"Yes?" one asked.
I leaned on the doorframe, all my energy washing away in sudden relief. I couldn't find words to talk, my brain was too fuzzy.
"They were waiting for you to wake before bringing breakfast," the second man added.
They both watched me with concern. I turned and stumbled back to my bed. I didn't want them watching me. I didn't want their help. The door swung mostly shut behind me.
I stared at Paltronis' bed. Why wasn't she here? I needed her. I wanted her to steady me. I could already feel my world starting to crumble without her. I'd come to rely on her. A wave of rage swept over me. How dare she leave me like this? It was unreasonable, completely baseless anger. I sat on the edge of my bed, feeling as if my legs had just been kicked out from under me.
I couldn't feel anything beyond my own head. Even inside my head it was unclear and distant. I swallowed hard, trying to clear my ears of a heavy thumping noise.
It wasn't in my head, I finally realized as the door opened. It was someone knocking. Everything was out of proportion, sounds and space and light and movement.
A woman entered. She talked cheerfully as she arranged a meager meal on the tiny table. Her words made no sense. It was as if she spoke another language. She stopped, looking at me as if she expected an answer.
"What?" I asked, searching my memory desperately for her last question.
"I said," she repeated slowly, "the ships that landed yesterday. Everyone's talking about them. I asked if you knew anything, seeing how you're one of them. Well, mostly." She paused, flustered. She patted her hair nervously and backed for the door.
I stared at her blankly. What ships? I wanted to demand answers from her but my mouth wouldn't do what my head told it to do. Neither would the rest of me. I stared at her as she backed out of the door, her eyes wide with fear.
Was it me? Probably. Who knew what stories Rian had planted? I was Shadowing, even though I'd had nothing to do with leading her rebellion. Almost nothing, I amended. Without me and the power of the Hrissia'noru, Rian never would have been able to move so quickly to restore order in Milaga. Yesterday had proven just how much I could do for her.
Was she afraid of me? Or would she value me? I knew Rian would never let me leave, not voluntarily. I shivered as I wondered what she planned.
My eyes slid over the water waiting on the table. Sudden thirst clenched my throat and dried my mouth. I concentrated long enough to make myself cross the room and pick up the glass. My hand shook. I used both hands and managed to drink most of the water. Some spilled down the front of the plain dress I wore.
I couldn't eat the food. I was hungry, mildly so, but the sight of the plain mush turned my stomach. I wobbled my way back to the window.
I was leaning against the glass, watching clouds swallow the sun, when they came for me.
My guards entered, watching me warily. I turned my head enough so I could see them.
"Rian wants you," one of them spoke.
I gathered my wits and my coordination and managed to walk to the door by myself. The drugs were slowly wearing off. But as the fuzziness dissipated, the noises in my head increased.
I walked slowly down the hall. I had to hang onto the bannister to make it down the stairs to the floor where Rian held court. The floors were smooth stone. The paneling on the walls was real wood, stained dark and polished until they gleamed. Everywhere on that level were opulent touches, like gold leaf and carved railings and trim. There were signs of fighting, though. Chips knocked from the floors and walls showed raw and white, stark against the polish.
I was walking better by that time. I made it to the door of Rian's office by myself. I stopped, gathering what I could of my wits. I knew I was going to need them to face Rian.
I pushed the carved wooden door open and stepped inside. One of my guards pulled it shut behind me, leaving me standing defenseless in the large room.
The carpet had been removed. The floor underneath was lighter than that at the edges of the room. The windows were covered by thick curtains. A long tear left a ragged strip of light showing along one window edge. The furniture that had once graced the room was broken and piled to one side.
Rian stood behind a desk dragged in from somewhere less imposing. She wore a simple dress. She smiled.
It was fake, but I played along even though we were alone. No one to witness what happened here, I thought as I crossed the wide expanse of bare floor.
"Dace," she greeted me. "I do hope you're feeling better than you were last evening."
I stopped on the other side of the desk from her. She was taller than me, but not by much. She was slender without being thin. Her hair hung in a simple braid down her back, brushed until it shone. I stopped the random thoughts with an effort.
"What do you want from me?" I asked.
"That question again."
"I think the answer's changed."
"Much as you have changed," she replied.
Silence fell in the room, thick and muffled and heavy as the dusty curtains shutting out the sun. I studied her, searching her eyes for an answer, any answer. I found none. She was out of reach, until the drug wore off.
"What do you want from me?" I asked again. "A pet empath to enforce your orders?"
"No," she answered. "You're much too dangerous for me to try to keep as a pet. And drugged, you're of no use to anyone." She paused a long moment, a smile toying with her lips. "You promised once to bring in the Patrol. You couldn't do that now even if you wanted. The Patrol left weeks ago."
I blinked, not surprised to know Lowell had abandoned me here. If I could believe anything Rian told me.
"Where's Paltronis?" I asked.
"Tell me and we'll both know."
"And Scholar?"
"The last time I checked on him, he was happily rewiring my datanet." Not Tivor's, she had said mine.
"You want to rule Tivor, you haven't learned a thing."
"Quite the contrary, Zeresthina. Or do you really prefer Dace? I don't see the appeal of that name. Why would you choose such a thing?"
"Let me go, Rian."
I saw my answer on her face. She wasn't going to let me leave Tivor.
"At least let Paltronis and Scholar go," I said. "The ship is still there. Let them go."
"They won't leave without you."
"Then let me go. I don't care what you do with Tivor."
"But you do." She sat in a plush chair behind the desk. "That's what makes you so dangerous. If you really didn't care, you never would have come back to Tivor."
The truth of what she said hit me hard. I did care about Tivor, or at least my connections to it. I thought I'd severed them years before when I left for the Academy. I hadn't. I still had roots here, questions about myself that could not be answered anywhere else. I had answers now, most of them. I tried to tell myself I didn't care about Tivor. It was a lie. I hated to see innocent people hurt.
"You made an admirable Shadowing," Rian said. "Even if you didn't know you were Shadowing."
"I wasn't, not until you pulled me up in front of that crowd and made me Shadowing. You were Shadowing all along."
"It was brilliant, wasn't it? My pretending to receive orders."
"Tivor doesn't need more lies."
"No, it doesn't," she agreed with me. She slid open a drawer. "Tivor needs a martyr. And you've been elected."
I stared at her in confusion. A martyr? What was she talking about?
"There will be an unfortunate incident. You will most regrettably not survive the encounter. But I can't answer for those misguided souls still loyal to Kuran, now can I?"
She lifted a blaster out of the drawer and leveled it at me. I stared down the barrel in shock. She was going to kill me and I couldn't make myself move.
Time slowed. I saw every detail. I saw her finger tighten on the trigger. I saw movement behind the torn curtain. I saw the blast of energy leaving the muzzle of the blaster. I saw the chipped trim around the walls, the charred paint on the wall behind her. I felt pain rip through my side. I heard her breath catch as I fell to the floor. I felt every whorl in the wooden floor under my cheek. And I felt pain, red hot burning that took my breath and left me gasping.
I felt the darkness closing around me. I felt the incredible pain and wondered why it had to hurt so badly.
I heard the door splinter open. Feet thundered across the floor, echoing in my head. I heard someone shouting at Rian. The room was suddenly full of people. They were vague shapes. My breath rattled in my lungs. I couldn't get air. The darkness was creeping closer.
They came in a silent wave, their feet soundless on the floor. Their robes swirled around them, white and silver. They surrounded me, a river of silent people. A woman leaned over me. Her eyes were silver, her hair the color of spun cobwebs in the sun. I saw tears in her eyes as she bent over me. Her hand brushed across my face.
"Be at peace," her voice sang in my mind like the sound of distant chimes in a soft breeze.
The world dissolved. I floated in a place of silver light. There was no pain, no sensation. There was silver light and the soft touch of her mind.
"Be still," she whispered through my mind. "Be at peace."
I let go of the anger, the pain, the hopelessness, the darkness that haunted me for so long. I let my mind drift. I let my power flow away into the silver light. I let my memories go. I became part of the silver mist.
I became peace.