Chapter Fourteen

 

"I am sorry," Farrah said quietly when they drove up to their dark house. She had forgotten that they had not had electricity for a few days now. Tonight she wished that they had electricity; at least she could see Xavier's face when they spoke.

He turned off the car light and turned on a flashlight. "I told you already, Farrah, that all of that is in the past."

He opened her door and stepped away before they could touch.

"Don't you like me anymore, Xavier?" she asked in a small voice. His obvious avoidance of them touching was getting a little annoying and it made Farrah feel as if something was wrong with her. Obviously, he had not forgiven her for what she had done.

"Come on," Xavier said, heading to the house.

"You are not going to answer, are you?" Farrah walked behind him rapidly.

"No, I am not into self torture." Xavier opened the front door and turned on a gas lamp. They had been using the gas lamp for the last few days and the oil was running low.

Xavier lit two candles and put them on the table. "Are you going to shower first or should I?"

"I'll go." Farrah grimaced. She was yet to get used to the cold water but she didn't complain. There wasn't much she could do about it anyway. She had been an exemplary housemate to Xavier. There were so many things that she could complain about but she didn't; so many things that were missing here that she was used to, but she bore what was for her a bit of substandard living because she was close to Xavier.

She showered quickly, refusing to think about her rainmaker shower at home that cycled different colors when she bathed and had the perfect water temperature programmed just to her liking. She left the less than spacious bathroom with her hair wet.

Her teeth were chattering sporadically, her body shivering though she was in a voluminous robe. When she walked out into the living room she encountered Xavier, who was lounging in the sofa.

She could see in the flickering half-light that he wasn't even looking at her. He didn't like her, he hadn't forgiven her and she was living like this for nothing. She had come up with the ridiculous marriage idea to be close to Xavier, she finally admitted to herself. She wanted the Xavier who had declared his love for her years ago, but that guy was gone. Camping out with this new Xavier should be fun but not even the flickering half-light from the candles, which should be romantic, was doing her any favors.

She was practically non-existent to him. She suddenly missed home. Maybe she should get that annulment after all and then marry Jason. It was better to be ignored by a man who she had no feelings for, and expected nothing from, than a man who she actually loved and wanted to love her back.

The realization slammed into her and she almost staggered to the sofa, falling into its soft folds, feeling weak. She had been skirting this very issue for years now and she had never really faced it. She had loved Xavier from as far back as when she was seventeen.

She looked across at him and he got up. He looked mad, as if he was considering something particularly distasteful. Farrah closed her eyes and remembered...

 

 

June 2000

 

Farrah, Darla, Kate and Alka were lounging by the poolside in her back yard. The day was fairly warm and so they were doing what any other rich girl would do who was done with high school and had no plans to travel until July. Farrah's hands itched to check her phone. She had been texting Xavier all day and she knew it was his lunchtime at work. He should be able to text her back now. Darla and Kate were talking about who they wanted to net. Alka had her headphones in her ear and was ignoring them. She only hung out with them because they hung out with Farrah.

"John Silverman," Darla said excitedly. "Would you have sex with him?"

Farrah grunted, "No."

"Kerron Coke."

"Hell no," Farrah said lightly, and then a text came in. Xavier had written her back. Her chest constricted into a painful squeeze. She loved when he wrote her and she loved talking to him on the phone. She rapidly texted him back and impatiently waited for him to respond.

"I can't believe it," Kate said in wonder. "You are in love with the monster?"

"Which monster?" Farrah looked up from her phone impatiently.

"That guy. The one with the crooked teeth, crooked eyes, and crooked skin. There is nothing right about him."

Darla shivered dramatically, "Eww. Can you imagine kissing him?"

Yes, she could. Farrah realized she had spent all of last year imagining just that. There had always been something about Xavier that had her curious about him. These days when he came near she felt breathless, her breasts felt heavier and she felt flushed. Her hormones did not care how he looked but her girlfriends were making her feel really bad about liking him.

"Shut up," she said to Kate and Darla weakly. She couldn't explain what she felt for Xavier; she just knew that she didn't feel that way about any of the others. Kate grabbed the phone from her. "Hear this! Farrah says, 'when can I see you,' and Monsty says, 'I have a thing at work. Will call you later.'"

Darla laughed so hard she almost dropped out of her chair. "Farrah is dating a monster."

"Not only a monster. Isn't his mother the housekeeper here?" Kate said, her nose upturned. "I would rather die than date an older poor guy with crossed eyes. If my parents found out that I even so much as looked at my housekeeper's son, my father would go drown himself at sea and my mother would expire at one of her lunches. She would just melt in horror."

Farrah grabbed her phone from Kate and turned over on her stomach. "Xavier is my friend. You are just jealous because you don't have anybody like him in your life."

"Yeah, right," Kate snorted. "I am sooo jealous of your ugly guy."

"If my mother found out I was friends with a guy of the lower classes she would die too," Darla said seriously. "I don't get why your parents even allow you to talk to him."

"My parents don't care who I talk to," Farrah retorted. "And why should they? Xavier and I are just friends. I don't think of him that way."

Alka was pretending that she wasn't hearing the conversation but she threw Farrah a disapproving look.

Farrah closed her eyes to avoid the look. She did think about Xavier. She did so too often. She had a mammoth-sized crush.

Kate changed the subject. "Are you coming to Stacy's party tonight? Tony Farillo will be there. I think I want to give him my virginity. I think today should be the day I discover what all the fuss is about."

"No, not coming," Farrah said. "I have to..." her voice trailed off, wait until Xavier gets in from work. She couldn't say it but her friends were looking at her knowingly.

"Okay I'll come," she said to stave off the teasing that she knew was sure to follow.

"Good. I am going to set you up with Sven. He is handsome—not a crooked tooth in sight—and when he looks at you, you know exactly where he is looking." She laughed at her own joke and Kate joined her. "He is going to do law at university," she said when she sobered up.

Alka got up. "Hey girls, I am going to take off."

Farrah got up as well. "Be back soon." She glared at Darla and Kate and followed Alka inside the beach house.

"They are terrible girls," Alka said when they were out of earshot of Kate and Darla. "I like the fact that you are not as superficial as they are. I think it is lovely that you still keep your friendship with Xavier."

She headed for her clothes and was on the verge of putting them on when Farrah said, "But I like him. I can't explain it. I don't even know why."

Alka chuckled. "Good."

"Not good." Farrah said. "Can you in a million years see both of us working?"

 

*****

 

Farrah jumped out of her reverie when Xavier sank in the sofa beside her. He smelled like his shower gel—a fresh spicy scent. He was in a white t-shirt and one of his tracksuit bottoms.

"What would you be doing on Saturday night?" he asked in the ensuing silence.

"Hang out at a party with Darla or Kate."

"Mmmh. I would be at my computer trying to work out some code or other."

Farrah chuckled. "Nerd!"

"Party girl," Xavier retorted.

"I have a party next week," Farrah said. "Ruby and Cynth are allowing me to plan your band's charity event on my own."

"Cool." Xavier smiled. "I never expected that you had it in you to actually go and get yourself a job and to take it so seriously."

"I do have it in me," Farrah said. "I am going to prove to all of you that I am no wimp."

"Okay," Xavier said and then took her hand and kissed her knuckles.

Farrah inhaled sharply.

"To answer your earlier question," Xavier whispered, "I do like you."

Farrah moved closer to him. "You do?"

"Can't stand it that I do," Xavier whispered. "I wish I could just turn it off like the lightning storm did to the lights."

Farrah whispered, "Why?'

"Because I know that you will find living here with me a burden after a while and then you'll be gone; you'll be back to being Farrah Knight, the rich girl with everything, and I will be left here. It will be another version of what happened eight years ago."

Farrah opened her mouth to protest but she had thought of going back tonight but not because of any physical deprivations; only because she was not sure of how Xavier felt.

"Even though you may not have material wealth, you are richer than I am. You have your family and your friends in your corner."

"And if you stayed with me, would that be enough for you?" Xavier asked. "Would you really enjoy living with me in this cottage for the rest of your life, going to church with me, and getting used to my nomadic job situation? Could you do it: going without money, worrying about bills? And what if we had children--would you be content to see them growing up without certain privileges? And your friends—can you do without them? Because I am sure you would not ask one of your high-flying friends to come visit you here."

Farrah pulled her hand from his. Where he had touched her was tingling. "Are you asking me to do it, or are you just making a point and judging me?"

"I am trying to make a point," Xavier said. "I really want you sexually. God knows I appreciate the cold water because just the scent of you has me hard, but I am not going to give in to my base desires and complicate your future and mine. An annulment is much quicker and easier than a divorce, don't you think?"

Farrah ran her fingers through her half-wet hair and massaged her scalp slowly. "So you are saying you are only attracted to me sexually?"

Xavier sighed and didn't answer.

"Because if you were offering more, I might stay."

"You gave up Jason Cavendish, somebody of your own background, you are on the rebound and you have no idea what you are saying right now," Xavier said earnestly. "Besides, you are playing some weird power game with your father. I don't want to be caught in the middle of it. I am going outside for some air."

He got up hastily and slammed the door when he went outside.

 

*****

 

Farrah arrived at work slightly rumpled in her simple sheath cream dress. Her brand new desk was in the corner facing Ruby's and she had a phone and a small pile of files waiting for her.

"That's work." Cynth pointed to her after brief pleasantries. "Ruby is not coming in today, so it's just me and you, kiddo. I hope you are up for it."

"I am," Farrah said, a determined set to her face.

"You look less than impeccable," Cynth said shrewdly. "Trouble in paradise already with the hotly hunky Xavier?"

"Nope," Farrah said, "no trouble at all."

"Too bad," Cynth said breezily, "because I am on standby for when you dump him and return to your rightful place in society as heiress to the Knight fortune. I will be his shoulder to cry on."

"I am not going to dump him," Farrah said exasperatedly. "How did you come by that conclusion?"

"The papers." Cynth gave her copy of the Montego Bay Chronicle to her.

Farrah plugged her cell phone into a charger and then picked up the paper. The headlines read: Wedding merger between the Knights and the Cavendishes pushed down again. Is there trouble in paradise?

Farrah read the piece with increasing incredulity. The news piece implied that she was away on vacation because she had a lover's tiff with Jason Cavendish and the wedding was postponed but it went on to say that true love would prevail.

"Lovers tiff? Vacation?" she gasped. "Who wrote this totally bizarre spin on reality?"

"Your father's PR perhaps?" Cynth said lightly. "Obviously, your father wants that wedding."

Farrah was about to retort that she would not be jumping through any hoops for her father ever again when her phone rang. It was her mother.

"Hi Mother," she said after her mother's greetings. "I wondered when you would realize that I am no longer living at the house."

Her mother chuckled. "I know you are on your honeymoon. People don't interrupt others when they are on their honeymoon."

"Didn't you see the papers today? Apparently I am still going to marry Jason."

Her mother laughed, a tinkling sound that made Farrah feel oddly homesick, which was weird because her mother was hardly home.

"Your father is not going to give up. Maybe you need to work on a grandchild with Xavier."

"For heaven's sake, Mother!" Farrah growled. Xavier doesn't love me. He is only sexually attracted to me. She felt like saying it out loud and then crying like a baby. But though Cynth had powered up her computer and was reading her mail, she knew that she was listening intently to the conversation and that a statement like that would encourage Cynth to pursue Xavier.

"Don't growl at me," her mother said calmly. "I am sure Xavier wants children."

"Why are you taking my marriage to Xavier so well?" Farrah asked and then got up when Cynth stopped pretending to be reading her email and started looking at Farrah fully.

Farrah headed to the bathroom and closed the door.

"Why shouldn't I?" her mother said, surprised. "Xavier is an exceptional young man. I know he'll cherish you for the rest of your life. He loved you so much a few years ago. Let me tell you, I was more than happy when you decided to follow your heart and choose Xavier. Your father can be a pain in the ass but he will come around eventually. As I said, work on those grandbabies."

After her mother hung up, tears pricked Farrah's eyes at the thought that Xavier had loved her so much back then but didn't love her now.

She looked in the mirror and carefully wiped her eyes so that her mascara wouldn't smudge. She was not going to cry about it, though. She had work to do and for once in her life she wanted to make a go at something. Maybe then she would be worthy of Xavier, or maybe she could be worthy of herself.