| |
A Declaration of the Pros and Cons of Waging War Against the Crown Which Ultimately Led Us To And Include Herein Said Declaration of War And General Independence From England
When sufficient need presents, it becomes necessary for one man—or woman, or small animal—to dissolve the water-soluble bonds which have connected them to another, and to assume under the many bowers and arbors of earth, their position in various lobbies and ferry stations to which nature and God invite them, a prospect of this author’s and those undersigned require that we declare the causes which propel us to take up such stations—and independence.
We hold these proofs as evidence, that all men, women, animals small or large but preferably small, their owners, tall or short, exotic or domesticated creatures, and certain varieties of mineral, are created sort of equal, depending on how that term is defined in the public or private spheres, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain tools to employ when with extraterrestrial aliens they fight, that among these are Fife, Fear, Fibbery, and the pursuit of Triumph. Against these there shall be no law, unless circumstances dictate by the court of uninformed opinions, private or otherwise. Such circumstances will be taken up in a committee of the part on recommendation of the committee of the whole.
We, hereafter, the Representatives of the unified and ecumenical States of America, following a boisterous recess, assemble, appealing to the Supreme Judge of this world for the soundness of our purposes, do, in the names, and by the transitive authoritative mantle placed upon us by our fellow colonists, do herein publish and declare that we are free of your eccentricities of language and bland cuisine, and as united and wholesome States, we ought to tell ourselves what to do and be free of you ninnies who won’t read this for weeks. We shall plug our ears and refuse to listen to the King or his talking crown from this day forth. Anything you can do, we can do better and with less jabbering. We’re a motley mob whose spirits shan’t be shattered by war of poor fortune. See you on the battlefield.
XOXOXO
- Pritchard Daviess, Cheddar, Singsong, Post & BJ Franklin (pending)
